Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

[AurumVox]

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

I agree.

If you can't persuade your DM to say no to that particular wierd outing, and note his response, I'd actually tag along and give him every opportunity to be rude to you in front of your mum. Let her see it for herself and then talk to her about it later.

I also agree with pps saying research him as much as poss... there are too many red flags. What's his current living situation... could he be looking to move in?

If she's determined to go.. and I admit this is a bit sneaky, but its very easy if you've ever done Ancestry to look up people's death certificates which has the birth date on it... and I bet you £10 it won't be the day he says.. You only have his word for it that its his late wife's birthday (I can just imagine him saying Oh but it has to be that day because...) Its very convenient isn't it.

In any case a decent reasonable person wouldn't insist on a trip like that when her DD who lives a long way away is making a short visit. It could easily be moved to the following week or he could go on his own.

I can just imagine the opportunity he'd have for graveside emotional manipulation - and even proposing a development in their relationship or playing on your DM's empathy to encourage her to commit to supporting his emotional fragility ( which he def isn't!!) So that's another reason why you should tag along to spoil his plan. Hopefully he would really resent the fact that you're there so much that more of his true nature would come out with your DM as witness.
Even if I was infatuated with someone, if they were nasty to my DC in front of me, I'd be dumping them. Get the rest of your family on board too.

I don’t know the back story but I did speak to her this morning and brought up about the key safe. I’m going to update on here properly, but she had said previously that he had offered her a key to his house which she said no to, but that she had his key safe code as well. I said to her this morning but mum the key safe code is exactly the same as having a key! Which for some reason she hadn’t thought of in the same way. It’s really unlike her.
I said you’ve given a man you barely know keys to your house, so you need to change the code. To cut a long story short she has said she is going to change the code but not tell him she’s done so. She got up this morning clearly after having as bad a nights sleep as me and said she recognises after much thought that he’s being rather controlling. Apparently yesterday he said to her that his late wife had said to him that he was controlling, and that this has really made her think. So I have everything crossed.

Thank you for messaging, it was actually really upsetting to read what happened to your mum. It sounds so familiar. Even down to the finances and property in trust etc.
Hindsight can be a wonderful thing but not so much when there are such precious people we can lose. I’m really sorry for your loss. With yours and everyone else’s comments I will absolutely make sure that mum knows exactly what is going on and I will make sure I’m here until it’s resolved. Thank you again xx

Once she has changed the code to the keysafe she needs to get the lock changed. He has had plenty of time to make a copy without her noticing.

If he hasn't then he will never know, but if he has it will make all the difference.

I will absolutely make sure that mum knows exactly what is going on and I will make sure I’m here until it’s resolved. Thank you again xx

Good for you @AurumVox . It seems like your mum would be open to an "I really want you to be happy mum, and for you to have a loving relationship, but this isn't it..." conversation, now. Best of luck with it all.

Good point. Putting a new barrel in the lock is a cheap and easy job. I'm useless at anything DIY and I'm older than your mum, but I did the job in five minutes. So it has to be easy!

I have a friend your mums age who got married after a few months of meeting the man who seemed very nice and charming. But he turned out to be horribly jealous and possessive and it was a disaster. And so complicated to extricate herself. So if he's a pain now, goodness knows what he'll be like when he's got his feet under the table.

So apparently they moved from the southeast to the southwest simply because they liked the look of the area and wanted a change. When they moved here his late wife wanted to move back as it wasn’t as they expected but he wouldn’t move again, unsure if this was possibly due to finances. They left friends and family, her daughter (his step daughter) too. Sadly his wife passed about 18 months after moving, so she has a memorial stone etc back where they are from I assume for the daughter family. The step daughter apparently hasn’t had hardly any contact with him since either.
I’ve properly searched for them as much as possible to try and see if I could find anything but it just looks pretty normal. There isn’t much online bar the Facebook accounts and a LinkedIn for him.

You sound lovely and clearly want to protect your mum- not at all like a sulky child. Absolutely tryst your gut (and the evidence!) On this...hope your mum is able to extricate herself quickly and without too much aggro 🙏🙏🙏

Yes, she outright owns the family home bar the half that my sister and I have in trust from my stepdad. She’s fully financially independent, owns a property abroad. The wills are all sorted and everything is protected for this scenario, even in so much as my mum can’t move anybody else into the property without a tenancy agreement between the person and my sister and I. The same scenario was in place had it been my mum that had passed before my stepdad. Mums incredibly sensible when it comes to that side.
The guy she is seeing is also financially fine so I really think it’s more emotional than anything else, he has nothing to gain of monetary value at all.

That’s so lovely that your step-dad left his half to you and sis.

Thank you. Yes everything has been tied up prior to my stepdads passing. They were really sensible with that side so it’s good not having to worry about that motive as well. Her new partner is also aware of this as well. You’re totally right, it’s important.

Well that’s reassuring - it’s not the money.

I am absolutely going to do this @SunnyginI think each of these responses she needs to see, even those where I’ve been questioned on why I encouraged it initially which I have spoken to mum about this morning (along with some tears and regret) and which I will explain when I update shortly as I’m aware I didn’t give much context there.
Mum is clever and wise and when she got up this morning I think had already reached a similar conclusion after yesterday. But I’m going to suggest she has a read for sure when I talk to her later hopefully.

@Blobbitymacblobexactly this, you’re so right. That’s exactly how mum describes it. She said to me, I am in control of this, I’m the one with the control. But I think he’s making her think that by manipulating the situation and certainly where he’s having her think that he’s listening to her, learning from her, taking her advice before responding to messages etc etc.
Also a really interesting point on the grief part too. She will openly say she couldn’t ever replace my stepdad and none of us think you ever could - or should for that matter, but you really couldn’t find as far an opposite. We were truly blessed with mums late husband, our dad really. But whoever comes into her life needs to deserve her and everything wonderful that comes with her.

Your mum knew he was too full on at first but was flattered he seemed to want her so much and he has slowly ramped up the time she spends with him. She is now exhausted and I should imagine resentful that she hasn’t had any quality time with you or her friends but worried about his reaction. I think he’s keeping her so busy that she has no time to question the relationship or have the energy to insist she wants space to see you or her friends.
Please don’t hold back when you talk to her, I think if she starts pulling back he will get very angry, I also believe deep down she knows this.

@CastleofMeyi didn’t realise that could happen with remarrying and the POAs?

Are they out at the grave today? (He really knows how to show a girl a good time!)
I hope it all works out well for your mum. x

@Extiainoiapeial I know I know. I’m kicking myself. I think because mum knows her own mind so well I didn’t want her to think I was kicking up a fuss and that it may push her away and she wouldn’t be open with me about what was happening. She talks to me about it at the moment and I don’t want that to stop, but you’re absolutely right. This week and being home and seeing/meeting him has changed that for sure. I just feel very far away when I’m not here and you don’t get to see it for how it is if that makes sense.
mum very grateful for everybody’s input on here, it’s really helped a lot.

Hi OP, you're a great daughter and thank goodness your mum has you there, looking out for her interests.

Obviously, I can't be sure but from the posts I suspect he's quite controlling. It's a bit odd that you've come down to see your mum and she's away for the whole day with him. Presumably, she has a chance to see him a little more frequently than you generally, or at least she might have been there for some of the day to see you too.

Honestly, at 68 , I wouldn't be wanting to go out with a man I feel I have to be making excuses for (he's on the spectrum) when it's really meant to be the easiest, lightest part of the relationship. I worry that he's going to start impacting on the other good things in her life. You're already worried, her Friendship Group thing already don't like him, he says he messes things up, his wife thought he was controlling. Honestly, this is not sounding like a good relationship.

As for that, " I can't tell you and you mother anything you don't know...." Maybe I'm just triggered, but this smacks of misogyny to me. Of course, I could be reading too much into it.

@AurumVox - thank you for the updates, am relieved you and your lovely Mum can discuss the situation.
Even if his motives aren’t financial,he nevertheless sounds very overbearing and there is huge potential for your Mum to be isolated if this continues.
You clearly loved and miss your stepfather very much - telling that his stepdaughter apparently doesn’t feel the same about him.
Has your Mum met any of his family or friends, and have your siblings met him ?

I just want to say again, I know your mum is kind of making allowances for him due to thinking he might be autistic. But that isn't what autism is. He sounds like - and from your update about what his wife said too - a controlling person who might also be autistic in some way.

I just don't think she needs to be saddled with dealing with a man who can't belong in the life that she has made for herself, with friends and what sounds like a good deal of sociability. Those things are so important, particularly at her age. I think it's fine for her to say, "actually this isn't what I want - I feel sorry for him because he might not be able to control his demeanour (debatable) - but I don't want to be dealing with that in my later years."

He sounds creepy as hell

But would say “Have you been on X trail? Isn’t it lovely?”

or would you arrogantly assume they have no prior knowledge of that walk, despite living there the majority of their lives, and if they HAVE done it to faux naivety to indulge you and let you pretend to know something they don’t?

Honestly, his reaction is insane.

A normal response would be “Am I missing out on any other lovely walks?”, “which is your favourite?”

It’s not normal to shut down the conversation because someone else has prior and better knowledge about the topic.

@echtthank you, and @ilovesushi I didn’t minimise mums concerns at all, I also didn’t explain this clearly in my original post but I did recognise that with hindsight I would have had a different conversation entirely.
When the above mentioned conversation took place we talked about how people are different, they have different attachment styles and also what people are used to having both spent 30+ years with their respective spouses. The conversation was acknowledging mums need for her own space which she had with my stepdad too, to not feel stifled by somebody expecting to see her everyday. I had said that he needs to understand - properly understand and respect her boundaries for this to work, I also said that in the same way you need to maybe see that not everybody is the same in this way, for him it may be normal to expect to see her everyday but that if both of them were unable to do that then it wouldn’t probably work out. That compromise somehow may need to happen.
This was by no means the reason mum decided to carry on, she was having a great time with him enjoying the company/conversation etc and was falling for him…and she is a strong minded woman very capable of making her own decisions. But you’re right in some ways, if I could have known I would have taken a totally different approach.