Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

[AurumVox]

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

I agree with others OP,
He was rude to you as he is jealous of your close relationship with your Mum. He is overbearing and she definitely should not visit his wife's grave today that is too much. He knew you were visiting for a week but has not left you two alone for very long, the biggest red flag for me.🚩🚩🚩

I would be straight forward with your mum

reminding her that from day one people warned her off him

and also that we can all fall for charm and not see what is right in front of us, you don’t want your mum feeling foolish she isn’t she just met the wrong person at the wrong time

Don't get bogged down by all the other stuff about grieving, wanting your mum to be happy etc.
Keep it simple, you have met him, he was rude to you twice and seems to put your mum down and her friends have also warned him. He doesn't sound great and I hope your mum can move on from him... She also needs to change the key code when she does.

I am sorry about your stepdad, it sounds like he was a lovely man and of course his death has left a huge gap in your mum's life and of course yours too.
Now to this man, your post was so thoughtful and caring about your mum, it is great that she has you looking out for her and caring about her happiness and wellbeing. He sounds awful, sorry to be so blunt, but he is doing all the classic things, love bombing, pushing boundaries and starting to isolate her. If she is too tired to spend quality time with you after being with him then that is him starting to unravel your bond, if he is engaging in "banter" then he is pushing to see how far he can go at this stage in the relationship and if he was immediately rude to you then that is him marking his territory. Your mum needs to get rid asap. Hard to do now but it will be worse if he stays

Cassandra Syndrome is real unfortunately and can be pretty awful (I havePTSD from some things my ASD ex did, without ill-intent but the results are the same).

Have a look at the dating someone with autism threads OP.

I think it's more nuanced than this although I agree with some of it.

I've a slightly different perspective on it simply because I'm their age.

He does sound too full-on but I don't think that necessarily means he's 'evil' or is ND (although he could be.)

He is of the generation where many men were controlling and the 'boss' of the household especially if their wives didn't have professional careers and were reliant on their husbands for everything. And if his late wife was in poor health for decades, he probably took control of everything.

He sounds too needy and is clearly keen to replace his late wife with another woman, but he lacks the finesse to judge how to do this- not unusual for a man born 73 years ago and who'd not dated for 50-odd years.

I don't see the conversation OP described as rude. Depending on the tone (and that's important) all he said was he couldn't tell them anything about the areas as they already knew it. This could be said in a jokey way or a petulant way.
Likewise, the lecture on trams V buses- he may simply have been trying to make conversation and he became 'enthused' over the differences.

Hard to say without hearing it first hand.

Your Mum needs to slow it down, regardless.

Maybe he's ace in bed- there's got to be something that's attracting her!

More red flags than May Day in Moscow. It sounds very like he’s trying to isolate her. And it sounds like she is financially well off and he’s already got the key code to her house? You need to do something but also tread carefully. It sounds as though your mum is also intelligent and independent but that doesn’t mean she can’t be hoodwinked.

Watch “Dirty John” together, without her boyfriend, on an account he and your mum don’t have access to.

I think this is the first time a thread should be sent.
Your mum needs to read that so many feel she is in danger.

You need to make it clear to her that you messed up by dismissing her concerns.

You hadn't even met him, which is most bizarre.

Rectify it with real honest urgency.

My partner is 76 and wouldn't dream of behaving in that dreadful way. They are men who grew up with second wave feminism/the rise of Women's Liberation.

The rudeness is not ideal but could perhaps be forgiven, however, if he’s stopping her from spending time with family and friends, even if only through subtle tactics like making her feel guilty for not being with him, that’s a red flag for isolation. The “banter” could also be a red flag for emotionally abusive behaviour depending on the content of it, as he may be putting her down, which will be reducing her self-esteem and therefore the chances of her leaving him. I’d therefore be looking to consider if you feel you could speak to your mum about your concerns. if you do you could explain that people who have previously been in abusive relationships are more vulnerable to having further abusive relationships, but that they often go on to be in relationships that feature more subtle overt abuse. You could tell her you’re worried about him potentially cutting her off from family and friends and about him treating her unkindly.

OP please, please do not wait until next month’s 70th birthday trip ffs don’t sit back and allow this abusive man to continue abusing your poor mother until then! My god. She’s vulnerable.
You need to do do a Clare’s Law request and maybe even a Sarah’s Law request if they’ll allow it, especially if you have your own kids or anyone else in the family does? Personally even if there were no kids at all, if the police allowed it I would do one anyway. I truly believe women have the absolute right to know if they’re dating any kind of predator, not just one ‘type’ dependant on the woman’s circumstances, but that’s a whole other discussion.

Please defend your mother. I understand and respect your desire to not interfere and to be respectful etc but none of that comes before your mother’s safety and wellbeing.

This sounds so much like my mum’s partner. Down to the lovebombing and the knowing everything about everything to no one liking him.

I’ve discovered over the years that no one likes him. No one liked him to start. He has no friends. His children were NC with him. He’s very unpleasant and will disagree with anything anyone says just to be a jerk to them. They have a very intense relationship that comes before everything else. My gut very early on said something is wrong with this guy, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I felt so instinctually that he was not right, other than him simply being so unenjoyable and annoying.

I actually searched for years trying to find out more about his background because I wanted an explanation for why my gut said no so strongly. I was always googling him. It took about 10 years oddly for old court records to come up. I ended up needing to hire a PI to do the rest of the digging. He had been convicted of sexually abusing his child. Finally explained why his family was NC with him. And went a way towards explaining my gut reaction to him.

Now not to say that is the case with this guy. He may simply be an abusive mansplaining jerk. But your gut is telling you something and I would listen to it. It sounds like your mum’s gut is also telling her something too. I would absolutely raise your concerns and have her friends do the same.

I wish I had been able to save my mum before she got sucked in. We are now NC with her. Between them, they have no relationship with any of their children or grandchildren, which is very sad and all because of him.

It's a mix of personality and experiences that shape behaviour not simply age.
If you read the rest of my post I said he may have always been in control because his wife was ill / disabled for years.

My partner is 71 and he wouldn't behave like that but I know a man ( husband of extended family) who is 66 and is even worse than this man!

I'm another who thinks his manner screams ND, social awkwardness and 'having' to be right all the time. I dated a man like this for years, who was a lovely lovely man but just couldn't deal with other people in any meaningful way. He wasn't a bad person, but the lack of ability with nuance and social politeness was utterly dreadful. He also wouldn't have seen anything wrong in taking me to a past wife's grave as a day out; he literally would not have been able to grasp how this was so wrong.

I wonder if your mum is seizing on him almost as 'best of a bad bunch' because she's lonely and he's company, although it sounds as though he's already annoying her and she won't take much persuading to dump him. I'd just be honest with her. She's already been told that people don't like him, and i wonder if he's just her 'interim relationship' having been with your stepdad for so long, rather than the love of her life.

The fact other people have warned her is a big thing, because it validates what you are thinking and seeing.

My grandad was absolute nightmare in his 70, after my grandma died he was going on drinking binges with a much younger he supposed to drink due to do diabetes. My dad got a call that he’d gone into a diabetic coma in her bed. His behaviour became extreme and he was a teat when he younger too.

Twat I mean. He was a bully and misogynist he made terrible comments towards my mother.

I don't see the conversation OP described as rude. Depending on the tone (and that's important) all he said was he couldn't tell them anything about the areas as they already knew it. This could be said in a jokey way or a petulant way

I couldn't disagree more. What he actually said was
his response was. “There really isn’t anything I can tell you or your mother that you don’t already know is there?”
That is very obviously petulant and cross. It's 'how dare you think you know more than me!'

Posters who are making excuses for this, or speculating about neurodiversity as being behind it, should really consider whether they want to justify rude, aggressive and controlling behaviours. That's what those posts are doing. I don't think equating it with neurodiversity is helpful, or fair to people who are neurodivergent.

This is really interesting, because my mum’s partner is also ‘autistic’ and it’s apparently why he’s so rude to people and why he abused his daughter. Because apparently, he could function perfectly well in a high powered finance role, but lacked sufficient ability to read social cues such that he sexually assaulted his own child repeatedly. 🙄

It’s bollocks. And even if someone is autistic, if their autism is the reason why they are obnoxious and abusive, still no one has to tolerate that crap. Being neurodiverse is not a get out of jail free card. No one has to tolerate someone making them feel controlled and miserable in a relationship. You can end a relationship anytime you want if someone behaves like a manipulative little knob, whether they are autistic or not.

He sounds quite sinister to me, moving in on a very amenable nice widow. I know someone that this has happened to very recently, similar ages. She had been with him for about a year and suddenly he has moved in with her 'while his house is being finished off' and he seems to show no sign of moving on and his house hasn't been mentioned again.

I agree, if someone is a controlling arse, it's because they are a controlling arse. ND doesn't increase the likelihood of someone being a controlling arse.

ND are just like NT, variable in personality. It does nothing to aid acceptance to tell people, 'oh well he's a prick but he's ND so what can you do?'

This man's actions as described by OP are rude, controlling, and potentially isolating too. That's nothing to be dismissed as just ND because it just isn't.

I may have been harsh, but I've re-read the OP and this is what I'm referring to

The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.
About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.

Instead of pointing out that these were red flags, she encouraged her mum to accept them.

After thinking on this a bit longer (I have a quiet day!!). I have to be honest OP - as you have asked for honest opinions - and say that I am not sure if the conversations you described were rude in themselves.

If I was waxing lyrical about a lovely walk I'd found and someone basically shut me down by saying, 'I know, I grew up here' I would find that rude and it would seem like they were pulling rank on me. But a lot depends on the tone of his interaction before that - if he was just saying he'd found a lovely place, or if he was mansplaining it to you as if you wouldn't know.

Or maybe he was going on about the exact route of the walk and not picking up on cues that you know where it was. Eg 'You go down this path and turn left and walk for 0.75km and then there is a crossroads..." And you interject: 'Yes I know the place and it's lovely isn't it?" And then he continues 'yes but after the crossroads you go round a bend and then turn left..(you interject 'Yes, I know, there's a bench there) He continues 'theb you need to turn left because if you turned right you'd come back to the village'. That is a conversation I could easily imagine with someone with autism.

It's hard to say from the conversation without more context.

Also, for him to say there is nothing he can say that you or your mum don't already know is putting your mum down as well.

On the trams/buses conversation, it sounds like you were at cross purposes...he was purely focussing on the financial costs of each and you were talking about something different, about each having their place. If he does have a one track mind I can see that would be frustrating to him.

But, along with the other things, that's why I've come down on the side of him being a walking red flag, even though I'm not sure about whether the conversation side of it was rude or a personality clash.

At the end of the day your mum deserves to be happy and if he clashes with everyone that is not going to make her happy, it will lose her the friends she has, and the older we are the more we need our friends!

It sounds like you really do want her to be happy, and if course you will be defensive her and it will take you time to adjust to someone new in her life. But don't let your self-awareness of that blind you to actual issues.

Maybe he does have autistic traits but the fact is he won't change at this point and will he make your mum happy?

Thank you I will. I’m am so so sorry to hear about your mum, that must have been absolutely devastating for you. It’s just awful isn’t it.