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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report driving instructor to police

137 replies

AdeptTiger · 24/05/2025 23:25

Driving instructor has been filming my autistic DS in the car. He's been turning the car seat heaters on, unknowingly, and DS has been coming home distressed, covered in sweat. He's put it down to nerves all along, but did think it a bit odd. We have only now discovered this as a friend, who is also a friend of the driving instructor, told us they were shown a video, and the driving instructor seems to have been taking the piss out of DS, turning the heaters on, and taking pleasure in DS becoming distressed and complaining how warm it is. He had filmed DS's distress on more than one occasion.

I confronted the driving instructor who has denied it.

I think it's absolutely abhorrent the way DS has been treated. DS is very shy and quiet, he gets extreme anxiety from social interactions. We made him take driving lessons to better his life but now feel terrible, this has been going on for 6 months and we didn't have a clue. When he comes home he is literally covered in sweat patches. We've already moved him to another driving instructor, to whom we explained what happened, but the new driving instructor seems to think it's not that big a deal and minimises the impact it had on DS...

This 60-year-old man bullying an 18-year-old neurodivergent boy is really making my blood boil and I don't know what to do. Am I overreacting? Is it just a 'joke' and a 'laugh'? Even a driving examiner friend of mine didn't seem to understand fully, or just refused to understand, brushed it under the rug and said, sort of dismissively, 'Just for a joke'. I don't think he understood DS was being filmed unknowingly, and I'm pretty sure he just thought the whole thing was made up.

Anyway, AIBU?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Fantailsflitting · 24/05/2025 23:58

Don't rely on @Crickacrack for legal advice!

BrillantBriony · 24/05/2025 23:58

AdeptTiger · 24/05/2025 23:25

Driving instructor has been filming my autistic DS in the car. He's been turning the car seat heaters on, unknowingly, and DS has been coming home distressed, covered in sweat. He's put it down to nerves all along, but did think it a bit odd. We have only now discovered this as a friend, who is also a friend of the driving instructor, told us they were shown a video, and the driving instructor seems to have been taking the piss out of DS, turning the heaters on, and taking pleasure in DS becoming distressed and complaining how warm it is. He had filmed DS's distress on more than one occasion.

I confronted the driving instructor who has denied it.

I think it's absolutely abhorrent the way DS has been treated. DS is very shy and quiet, he gets extreme anxiety from social interactions. We made him take driving lessons to better his life but now feel terrible, this has been going on for 6 months and we didn't have a clue. When he comes home he is literally covered in sweat patches. We've already moved him to another driving instructor, to whom we explained what happened, but the new driving instructor seems to think it's not that big a deal and minimises the impact it had on DS...

This 60-year-old man bullying an 18-year-old neurodivergent boy is really making my blood boil and I don't know what to do. Am I overreacting? Is it just a 'joke' and a 'laugh'? Even a driving examiner friend of mine didn't seem to understand fully, or just refused to understand, brushed it under the rug and said, sort of dismissively, 'Just for a joke'. I don't think he understood DS was being filmed unknowingly, and I'm pretty sure he just thought the whole thing was made up.

Anyway, AIBU?

I’m so sorry to hear your son has been bullied in this way. I think you should definitely speak with the police. I hope your son will be OK.

Sjbythesea · 24/05/2025 23:59

Sorry…I pressed wrong button…you are not being unreasonable…I have to tell you this because I would hate you to think that someone thinks that is reasonable behaviour 😡

NeverOneBiscuit · 25/05/2025 00:02

Op: my son is very similar, and we’re treading very carefully to try & find the right instructor. I’m so upset & angry on behalf of you & your son.

Definitely report the instructor as widely as possible: the police, any professional bodies, Head Office. Driving instructors also rely on word-of-mouth, so tell as many people as you can what this disgusting creep is up to.

I’d be doing everything within the law to make his life a bloody misery.

GCITC · 25/05/2025 00:04

It is illegal for anyone supervising a learner driver to be on their phone.

Original poster
AdeptTiger · 25/05/2025 00:18

Thank you all, thought I was going crazy from the other DI's and DE's reactions. Was beginning to wonder if I was overreacting to extreme proportions, but now know that not to be the case.

My concern is, this DI is well known in the community and not for good reasons (I have only recently found out or I would never have solicited his services). His family were in the newspaper not too long ago for some, quite frankly, shocking debauchery, amongst other things, which I know he is closely involved with. I don't really want to get on the wrong side of him. Strangely, he has no shortage of clients and has even taken on his brother into the business, that's how well he's doing. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't make my life easy if I tried to do something. But equally, his behaviour is nasty and disgusting. I honestly don't understand how he ever passed as a DI.

OP posts:
Reetpetitenot · 25/05/2025 00:18

This. Not sure how the instructor was filming your DS on his mobile, surely it would have been obvious. Report him to his professional body. This could be seen as a safeguarding issue.

Original poster
AdeptTiger · 25/05/2025 00:22

Reetpetitenot · 25/05/2025 00:18

This. Not sure how the instructor was filming your DS on his mobile, surely it would have been obvious. Report him to his professional body. This could be seen as a safeguarding issue.

I don't think he was directing the camera towards my DS at all times, apart from quickly directing it towards him here and there. From what I understand, he'd casually have it in his lap sort of, the few times DS saw him on his phone, he assumed he was texting someone.

OP posts:
CrazyCatMam · 25/05/2025 00:28

What an absolute scum bag.

Appalling behaviour. I’m so sorry that your son experienced this. Thank goodness your friend spoke up. As the parent of a neurodivergent teen this makes me so sad. 😞

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 25/05/2025 00:29

I'm so upset and angry for you and your son. You are not over-reacting - this is cruel, ignorant and abhorrent. Stupid man. How is your DS processing it now?

MumWifeOther · 25/05/2025 00:30

This is so upsetting, I’m so sorry your son has been put through this and also you all as a family. I would have to stop my husband from getting my hands on said instructor god forbid they did this to our son. Definitely more sensible to go to the police, but whether they would do anything I don’t know.

CissOff · 25/05/2025 00:31

I haven’t RTFT but I find stuff like this extremely upsetting and sinister. I would report him to any and all bodies and make it my life’s mission to take this twat down.

I’n so sorry OP. What a cunt of a man 🥺

Original poster
AdeptTiger · 25/05/2025 00:33

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 25/05/2025 00:29

I'm so upset and angry for you and your son. You are not over-reacting - this is cruel, ignorant and abhorrent. Stupid man. How is your DS processing it now?

Thank you. He's taken it as okay as can be, I feel he's minimising the impact it's had on him. He has said a couple times he wishes he could just be 'normal' and can't understand why it happened to him. I think he feels a strong urge to pretend he isn't affected by it, even though he is. He blames himself a lot for the situation and feels stupid he didn't pick up on it. He's another one who's pretending it's no big deal, I think he feels like he doesn't have the right to be upset by it because he's 18 and otherwise feels like he needs to 'toughen up'. :(

OP posts:
ClairDeLaLune · 25/05/2025 00:35

AdeptTiger · 25/05/2025 00:22

I don't think he was directing the camera towards my DS at all times, apart from quickly directing it towards him here and there. From what I understand, he'd casually have it in his lap sort of, the few times DS saw him on his phone, he assumed he was texting someone.

Show quote history

If he was using his phone to video or to text when he was supposed to be supervising your son, then that is illegal and you can report him to the police for that. Personally I would be naming and shaming him all over SM. What an abhorrent cunt of a man. I’m so sorry this has happened to your DS OP.

S0j0urn4r · 25/05/2025 00:38

I would report to the police. They can decide if there's a case to answer.

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 25/05/2025 00:47

AdeptTiger · 25/05/2025 00:33

Thank you. He's taken it as okay as can be, I feel he's minimising the impact it's had on him. He has said a couple times he wishes he could just be 'normal' and can't understand why it happened to him. I think he feels a strong urge to pretend he isn't affected by it, even though he is. He blames himself a lot for the situation and feels stupid he didn't pick up on it. He's another one who's pretending it's no big deal, I think he feels like he doesn't have the right to be upset by it because he's 18 and otherwise feels like he needs to 'toughen up'. :(

Show quote history

I wonder if it would be possible for him to eventually start framing it as the driving instructor behaving abnormally - to break down what happened and how absurd and frankly dumb it was.

Your DS was the client, and this driving instructor was just really really bad at his job - the job you were paying him to do. It's part of his job description to help pupils feel safe and comfortable behind the wheel - he couldn't even manage to hit the very baseline of what's expected of him. Perhaps talking these things through with your son could help him to feel less inferior / "abnormal" and instead feel like someone who received piss poor service and deserved much better?

I struggled to learn to drive and worry about how my ASD son will manage - so your post has really hit home with me!

2JFDIYOLO · 25/05/2025 00:49

There is surely a safeguarding duty here he's breached.

Complain to the police.

Tell them a friend has reported being shown the video.

Frame it as a hate crime - bullying, mocking, filming a distressed disabled young person.

Be clear on how much it has upset him to be treated like this.

If you can include references to the dodgy activities, especially if they were criminal, it may help the police to make that connection.

And there seem to be several driving instructor associations in the UK you could contact.

Onwardsandupwards2025 · 25/05/2025 00:54

What a vile man! I’m not sure what the best course of action is but I’d feel exactly the same as you, his behaviour shouldn’t be minimised. Enjoying causing a vulnerable person or any innocent person distress is absolutely not normal.

Original poster
AdeptTiger · 25/05/2025 00:56

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 25/05/2025 00:47

I wonder if it would be possible for him to eventually start framing it as the driving instructor behaving abnormally - to break down what happened and how absurd and frankly dumb it was.

Your DS was the client, and this driving instructor was just really really bad at his job - the job you were paying him to do. It's part of his job description to help pupils feel safe and comfortable behind the wheel - he couldn't even manage to hit the very baseline of what's expected of him. Perhaps talking these things through with your son could help him to feel less inferior / "abnormal" and instead feel like someone who received piss poor service and deserved much better?

I struggled to learn to drive and worry about how my ASD son will manage - so your post has really hit home with me!

Show quote history

Bless you, I definitely think our autistic children can thrive given the right tools and treatment. Mine was just the victim of an unfortunate bully who should know better. I have tried explaining it to him like this, amongst other terms LOL, but I think it's just reinforced his belief he's not liked and is a joke... I think when our autistic kids continue to face such obstacles, even as they get older and they think they're past the worst of it, it can really, really affect their self esteem and self worth. No one deserves to be treated like this, and it's not even like the DI has an excuse, he's 60 years old FFS.

OP posts:
MatLeave · 25/05/2025 01:14

Get him reported. There must be some code of conduct with the DVLA for instructors and he certainly isn't following it. I hope your son manages to overcome this and gets an instructor who's decent.

AthWat · 25/05/2025 01:19

Pbjsand · 24/05/2025 23:44

I’m struggling to understand the reaction of the other driving instructor you told. That’s like poking an animal with a stick and then filming their distress to laugh about with others.

I'd imagine he's just got no desire to get involved on the grounds it's nothing to do with him - he's not responsible for any other person's poor behaviour just because they are a driving instructor.

theDudesmummy · 25/05/2025 01:27

I would report it to anyone could report it to, but I fear I also wouldn't be able to resist the urge to go and have it out with the man myself (I also have an autistic DS).

MissSookieStackhouse · 25/05/2025 01:31

Give him a bad review on Trustpilot or other review site.

ilovesooty · 25/05/2025 01:56

Chickenhorse · 24/05/2025 23:51

Honestly if you can’t report him, get a few of your friends to book lessons with him for their DC. Arrange for him to meet them at houses on Rightmove that are empty and for extra laughs, film him knocking on the doors looking for students that don’t exist. And just waste his time like he has been doing to your poor DS. Do it every other week with different friends or family then get them to block his number. Give the nasty git a taste of his own medicine.

I wouldn't play games like that. I expect they'd have to pay in advance anyway. ETA I see he takes deposits.

ILoveBrum · 25/05/2025 02:10

I’d smash his fucking car windows in, bullying bastard. Just make sure your face is covered & nothing identifiable as he’s not worth getting into trouble for, but he deserves proper payback.