Friend didn’t invited my DSD

[curiousaccident]

Have been close friends with Jane for years.

I have two little dc who Jane is close with. I also have a junior school aged DSD but I mostly end up seeing Jane in the day while she is at school whereas my dc are at home with me.

DSDs mum isn’t involved so I very much try to treat her as my own. Friend has her own stepchildren but they rarely stay over and she doesn’t seem to particularly like them.

Janes made comments before when I’ve said I’m doing something for or with DSD questioning why or saying she wouldn’t bother or that I shouldn’t either. If I mention something DSD has done, Jane never seems interested whereas she’s always asking about dc.

Jane had a party today and invited, looking back at the message me and ‘my babies’. I didn’t even consider that DSD wouldn’t be invited, DP is away on a business trip but even if he was home I think I would still have taken her.
After turning up with the three of them Jane took me aside and asked why I’d brought DSD,that no other kids were invited and she’d just wanted my dc there.

She said it was fine now but once she walked away I got them all and left as I was shocked. Jane is now annoyed I left and doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong.

Was I unreasonable to take DSD? Or to be upset that Jane said she didn’t want her there?

This.

Your open hearted, generous approach to DSD is showing her up.

Out of curiosity, how old are the children? Would it have made a difference if they were all your children?

no other kids were invited so I am guessing it's not a teenager which would be different, but I am trying to understand the reasoning.

Your friend sounds like a woeful human being.

Disgusting!

I have an adult dsd whose mum for various reasons wasn’t including dsd and I stepped up and included her with everything and my parents go over and above inviting her despite only knowing her as an adult, it’s what you do. You should not exclude step children purely on biology!

No. She could have handled it differently but that wouldn't have made it better.

The alternative would have been staying when Jane had made it obvious one of her children wasn't welcome.

I wouldn't subject my children to that either.

And, yes, she was making a point. And sometimes a point needs to be made.

You were right to include all children. You haven’t said if you gave Jane any feedback on your opinion when she spoke to you when you arrived. I’d assume you would have said something ….. letting her know that it is unfair to exclude a child who is clearly part of your family and ‘apologies’ if she sees it differently but you don’t.

How did Jane communicate her annoyance to you? By text I assume?

When put in a tricky situation, the best thing to do is the morally right thing to do, and then you just have to deal with the fallout, but with a clear conscience.

You are treating your DSD like a DD, and ultimately you will all reap the benefits of this. Your DC may be upset, but you have just taught them all that putting up with other peoples shitty behaviour is not on, and that family stick together and present a united front. You have just shown your DSD that you are in her corner, and her welfare matters to you.

You have done the right thing. Your friend has a poor relationship with her own DSC for whatever reason, but it seems like she doesn't help, and she is projecting onto your family.

She is no friend and she is not a nice person either. She is a mother herself and she should understand what it is like to hurt kids feelings and exclude them. We are all told to be inclusive, build resilience and be careful with our words that can damage young people's mental health. Quite frankly she is a poor excuse of a woman.

She doesn’t like being a step parent is my guess. You are a decent step parent and she knows it shows. She is thinking of herself in this. Well done for standing up for your step daughter.

Well done you. She's been showed up and embarrassed by own lacking behaviour as a step mum. She sounds cruel and unloving.

I think seeing the way you treat your step child makes her feel guilty and uncomfortable.

Jane's a cowbag. With friends like that who needs enemies?

Definitely don't apologise to her, you did the right thing by taking her and again by leaving.

How awful to leave a child out.

Janes a twat and not someone I would want as a friend.

Who does that to a child?

Good for you. You sound like a great step mum.

Jane isn't a nice person

I will never understand parents of step children not treating them exactly the same way they treat their biological children. If they adopted child as part of the family along with 2 biological children would the adopted child be less loved etc. I don't see any difference in the step child scenario. When they join a family they are part of that family albeit they mostly become part of 2 families and they should be just as important to both.

Jane is a cunt.

You are a lovely woman and a decent caring human being. Your hopefully soon to be ex friend is none of those things. So many stories on here of deliberately excluded step children, there are some horrible and cruel people out there. Well done for leaving.

I believe it was a genuine misunderstanding. The party was organised for children a lot younger than your DSD and it didn't cross your friend's mind to invite her. I doubt she would have done if she'd been your biological child - it was an age thing.

I have never invited older siblings to DS's parties and would be a bit annoyed if one just turned up.

She really does. She obviously dislikes her own step-children and is disappointed that OP doesn't dislike her step-daughter and treats her like a valued member of her family.

'The party was organised for children a lot younger than your DSD'

Has the Op said it was a children's party? She's just referred to a party. That can cover all manner of events.

You did the right thing and you are a lovely step mum. Jane is horrible.

Yeah, wonder what this means?

The invitation was to OP and her babies. Given the things the friend has said about how OP does too much or is too involved with SD and she doesn't have a relationship with her own SC ,this is pretty pointedly meaning, your babies not your babies and SD. OP therefore would have been better to decline the invitation from the start or checked out that if she took SD all would be well. Friendship with this person should have ended before all this.