Friend didn’t invited my DSD

[curiousaccident]

Have been close friends with Jane for years.

I have two little dc who Jane is close with. I also have a junior school aged DSD but I mostly end up seeing Jane in the day while she is at school whereas my dc are at home with me.

DSDs mum isn’t involved so I very much try to treat her as my own. Friend has her own stepchildren but they rarely stay over and she doesn’t seem to particularly like them.

Janes made comments before when I’ve said I’m doing something for or with DSD questioning why or saying she wouldn’t bother or that I shouldn’t either. If I mention something DSD has done, Jane never seems interested whereas she’s always asking about dc.

Jane had a party today and invited, looking back at the message me and ‘my babies’. I didn’t even consider that DSD wouldn’t be invited, DP is away on a business trip but even if he was home I think I would still have taken her.
After turning up with the three of them Jane took me aside and asked why I’d brought DSD,that no other kids were invited and she’d just wanted my dc there.

She said it was fine now but once she walked away I got them all and left as I was shocked. Jane is now annoyed I left and doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong.

Was I unreasonable to take DSD? Or to be upset that Jane said she didn’t want her there?

What a dreadful ‘friend’ Jane is, and such a spiteful way to treat a child of any age,
OP, you have nothing to apologise for. Your response to Jane stating that your DSD wasn’t invited speaks volumes on you as a step mum…….well done!

I’m struggling to see the problem here. Children are invited to parties all the time without their siblings. If two siblings are friends with a birthday child and are close in age then it’s not a deliberate snub to leave out an older child. They just aren’t the intended age group for the party.

People are turning this into a step child drama when exactly the same situation with three biological siblings could happen and on one would bat an eyelid.

What?

But it wasn’t a birthday party for a child? It was an invite for ‘you and your babies’ which is a weird thing to say to begin with but also wasn’t exactly saying ‘you and 2/3 of your children’. There were no other children there and what was the poster meant to do with her older daughter anyway?

YANBU to include DSD in your life.
YABU to assume all siblings are invited, because sometimes even full siblings aren't invited.

What sort of party was it OP? SD is at Junior School so 11 plus, your younger children are pre school. So many threads on here about not assuming you can take the whole family to parties and play dates. So was it about her being a step daughter or was it about an older child turning up she'd not planned for and you hadn't said you'd bring her along. How sad your SD was in the middle of this, both sides should have communicated better.

I love you. It's one thing not to invite your dsd but to take you aside and ask why she was there and point out she wasn't invited is absolutely bizarre behavior, even if she had an activity or party bags for a set number we've all been there and you muddle through, who makes their good friend feel awkward like that? About a school aged child?? She's a horror and I think you are amazing and did exactly the right thing, not only for your dsd but for you, she's no friend to you to behave like that and guilt you

That’s awful and she isn’t a good friend. She presumably knows her mum isn’t in her life and therefore your role is more important. She probably feels guilty about her own step parenting.

Jane is terrible.
You've learnt to make different friends now.

However, I would have stayed and let all of the kids enjoy the party so that they were not feeling upset. The kids would never have known anything was amiss.

@curiousaccident was it just a general party e.g 'come to a BBQ at ours on Saturday' whereby people are invited as family groups.

Or was it a children's birthday party?

I wouldn't expect a sibling to go to the latter without a specific invite but other than in that circumstance, she was out of order.

She's projecting her weird issues with her step-children onto you. She doesn't sound like a nice person.

Do you like this woman, I assume so given she is pretty opinionated about your approach to step parenting yet you still see her. Sounds like she's continued the theme of being open and honest. She said she would accommodate, it's you who decided to make a point on this day and leave. Is she worried your husband abdicates responsibility to you too much and she feels you are taken advantage of? I think you put your SD in a position where she may not have been welcome by not clarifying the invitation given what you know of the person.

The friendship would be over as far as I would be concerned. What a horrible thing to do. Has she ever thought about it from this little girls point of view. Left out of parties because she isn’t your biological daughter. Well done for standing up for her. I couldn’t be friends with someone like her.

My understanding was it was Jane’s party not a child’s birthday party, she invited OP saying her and her babies were invited. OP brought her children including DSD who she considers her child.
Jane is fully aware they have her 95% of the time and should have some self awareness that OP isn’t able to leave her at home due to her DH working away.
Personally I think Jane is pretty mean and not really a good friend at all.

She said she would accommodate, it's you who decided to make a point on this day and leave.

But Jane didn’t have to say anything. It was unbelievably rude to comment, considering the OP’s stepdaughter had already been brought to the so-called party (seemingly arranged on the same day.) If she really objected to the poor child being there, she could have simply texted later and said that there had been an error and only the OP’s ‘real’ children were welcome. She would still have been a nasty piece of work, but at least it wouldn’t have directly affected the child. The OP showed support for her stepdaughter by leaving. I don’t think I could have stayed in those circumstances. Imagine the atmosphere.

I wonder what Jane thought the OP should have done with her stepdaughter, considering her dad was away and there was nobody else to take care of her. The answer is, Jane DIDN’T think. Because she didn’t care. Horrible specimen of humanity.

It’s people like her that give step mothers a bad name. Poor girl downs see her mum and thank goodness you treat her like your own or she’d have no mum at all.

It's a mess OP,you stayed in the friendship when she is pretty unpleasant and took your SD along where potentially she wouldn't be welcome. Your step daughter was left confused and your younger children upset. You could've handled this whole thing better. Almost like you thought you'd make a point.

When you marry soneone with kids, you agree to merge families. What doesn't Jane get!? She was OOO. What a bitch.

I'd be removing myself from a friendship with someone so callous tbh.

I hope you’ve dumped the friend. I was a step child (step dad, my bio dad was never in the picture and I didn’t meet him until my thirties) and noone, not even step dad’s family treated me any differently to my half sisters.

If mum is completely absent though, and I know this is not what the thread is about, but have you considered formally adopting her? This would see off tw@ts like the [ex?] friend, but also affirm in your DSD’s mind her place in your heart and family? It would not impact her staying with/relationship with her bio family, but give you and your DSD more rights.

Omg is Jane a Disney-esque evil stepmum?! How cruel of her. Your DSD is one of your children, she's with you pretty much full time. Jane sounds nasty and not a friend I'd be too disappointed to lose. Probably not worth explaining it to her and trying to make her understand, cruel people don't change.
Good on you for leaving, your DSD didn't need to be in a place she wasn't wanted and you stood up for her💜

Jane is not a friend

or sounds a nice step mum

dsd is with you 99% of the time as mum isn’t about and she is your dh child so part of your family

I get that Jane doesn’t see her mum if you see Jane school hours but to snub her like that is disgusting

you did the right thing and maybe there is a mum at school in dsd class who has younger siblings so you can all meet up

tho sounds like Jane doesn’t even have young kids and just sees you and them without her kids

how old are her kids and her dsd

“Jane, you may not have a close relationship with your step children, but to be very clear, DSD is very important to me and treated like she’s my own child. If me and ‘my kids’ are invited somewhere that includes DSD with no exception, she’s one of my kids. To exclude her is extremely hurtful, I’d never exclude one of your kids.”

This though..I understand the sensitivities but isn't your dsd a lot older ? Was there something to do for her ? Did she just mean the invite in the sense of a play date when she assumed dsd just wouldn't be coming ? I would rarely bring all my 4 to the same thing they are different ages. Does it need to be this dramatic ?

You're struggling to see the problem because you haven't read the OP properly. It clearly says they were the only children invited. It wasn't a children's party. It was a party where they were invited as a family, but one member of the family was then made to feel very unwelcome. It's shitty behaviour.

Who cares if shes with her full time.

@curiousaccident you're.a.good mum op.. end of. Shes batshit. Who says I only wanted your dc. Shes not a friend.