To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

Your daughter is 11, she’s still young. Maybe she finds your son difficult too and possibly holds some resentment about how much of your time and attention her gets compared to her.

Maybe she’s at the end of her tether too, her language is unacceptable and she should apologise but I would also think about the insights it’s giving you into her feelings.

Of course not, he is 8 and spoiled her top and u allowed him to do so, he should be apologising and punished.

What's he doing about it? We are not hearing much about any support from him for DD.

What she said is pretty mild as far as siblings insulting each other goes...

It’s hard for an adult to control their feelings when something that’s so incredibly important to them is destroyed let alone an 11 year old. Whilst what she said wasn’t very nice I think I would understand that it was in the heat of the moment.
Both children need to apologise to each other.

With your update the only person to blame is you. I have neurodivergent kids and one competes in a sport with costumes. They are both impulsive and clumsy and if I left the older child's costume unsupervised there is a high chance something would go wrong. As a parent that would be my fault because I can easily predict what would happen.

I actually think your daughters reaction was proportionate. No - she shouldn't say things like that. But she didn't lash out and she was sensible enough to leave the room before making things worse. She needs to be reminded that words like that aren't acceptable but I think that's all.

I do find it interesting that you haven't given context to how your son had a drink near the costume. I'd be highly suspicious jealous and an 'accident' might be involved.

Oh HUGELY disproportionate punishment op.

It’s coming across to me as if you favour the “ little one.”

Ok she said something unkind, but surely she can just apologise? He did wreck her top…

Well said! You don’t need two brains to know who is the favourite here! What IS it about most, not all, mothers and their sons? This mother will never be close to her daughter if she carries on like this. She clearly isn’t now.
The way she spoke so disparagingly about her, and has obviously not gone out of her way to boost her daughter for the Comp, frankly makes me angry. That young girl, instead of being in a golden glow, clearly can’t even be sure her mother will go and see her. If she doesn’t I expect Mum will blame ‘golden balls’ for that. She doesn’t deserve a daughter if it’s too much trouble to do anything for her, even resenting sewing a few sequins on! Give me strength. That little girl should ideally take place in the comp secure in the knowledge that her loving mum has got her back. As it stands, I don’t imagine she thinks mum will even be there.
Years ago, our daughter, then about 6, told us she had been given an instrument to play in the upcoming orchestra recital. She wouldn’t elaborate, but was obviously proud and excited about what she was would be doing. We were perplexed as, to our knowledge, she had never learned an instrument. We turned up on the night, and the concert began. It was an orchestra of many different ages, but we couldn’t see our girl. At the very end, there was a big crescendo from the orchestra, and then an expectant silence. Our daughter popped out from the wings, and proudly gave a very very loud ‘ting’ on her Triangle. We clapped our hands off. The look of pride on our little girl’s face when she saw us beaming at her was tangible. It was a magical moment. Her joy knew no bounds when we treated her to a MacDonalds later!
This mother wants to get a grip! Apart from anything else, she doesn’t know what she’s missing,
Of course the child should enter the competition. The mother should definitely go, but the sad thing is, she doesn’t want to! Why? Because she doesn’t care enough about her little girl. Shame on her!

Is your DS going to apologise too for spilling the juice?
Are you going to apologise for leaving the top where something could be spilled over it ? Are you going to apologise for your over the top rant at your DD?

How would you feel if, say, the day before your wedding, your sibling had spilt a drink all over your wedding dress? I doubt you’d have simply said, ah bless them!

Have you taken your DD out for a while at any stage and explained to her your DS’s issues and suggest that she might need to have more patience with him ? Have you actively tried to spend time with your DD, given your DS takes up a lot of your time ?

Can you acknowledge that your DD is probably stressed and anxious about this completion ?

When your DD called her brother a freak, you should have re-assured her that you could sort the top, tell her that she is not to speak like that to her brother and asked her to apologise and to stay in her room until she apologised - not ranted at her and banned her from going to the competition.

You’re going to make the situation worse by making her apologise to you both and thinking of an alternative punishment. You’ve sucked the joy out of the competition now for her.

And she will never, never forget that!

Why are you even wanting to punish your DD for her reaction, when you then also reacted in a similar way?
Also, if you're punishing your dd, why aren't you punishing your ds, he's the one who ruined her top.

When you say you've let things slide I seriously hope you mean allowing your ds's behaviour to affect your dd.

I feel sorry for her, she's expected to not react and just put up with challenging behaviour from her brother.

Try and see things from her pov and stop playing favourites before it's too late.

YOU need to apologise too. if she apologises (will he too?), that should be enough. To apply a future punishment is cold-blooded and just wrong. What do you want from her, blood? I note you don't comment on your obvious preference for the golden child DS.

Spot on.

Does she need a punishment ? Or is an apology ok.
Does he need to apologise too because he drank juice too near to her top?

I feel sorry for her actually. Having a younger sibling who is sapping a lot of your time and energy and then he goes and ruins - accident or not - something important to her. She’s a child she is going to have some very strong emotional (sometimes irrational) feelings about things and people - her brother included. Cut her some slack and accept that to her maybe her brother does ruin a lot of things for her

Why are you insisting on a golden child scenario. The dd used nasty language and disrespectfully doubled down on it.

She has been increasingly nasty to her younger brother according to the OPs follow up post.

he is only 8 and being assessed for possible ND so being more full on is par for the course but being nasty and disrespectful is not.

why on earth are you so determined to believe there is a golden child situation?

I mean the first problem we have here is an 11 year old who 'insists' on anything.

I'd have landed in a different postcode 😅

what do you want to punish her for?
Poor kid.

it’s just been one of those days where everything builds up and I lost my patience.
...how nasty she was in that moment.

what is YOUR punishment going to be then? She has done nothing worst than you, an adult has done.

You are so unreasonable. Asking her to apologise, and warning her that she needs to stop that attitude is more than enough.

You make it sound like your son is your favourite!

QUOTE’ He does get a lot of my time/energy which I think she resents. She’s been quite snappy with him recently and I’ve probably let too much slide’

……. You’ve let to much slide???? You need to spend time with her , give her attention.
Not tell her off more

Christ !!!

Look, an 8 year old is not a "little one". He's old enough to be more careful. I thought you were going to refer to a 2-3year old. So I can see why 11 yr old is annoyed!

Newsflash! Siblings fight. They might grow up to hate each other, you can expect her to be nice as pie all the time, because he's her sibling.

The punishment didn't fit the crime imo. A bit harsh. But you have to live with an 11 year old who doesn't want to speak to you, I don't.

Lord help you when they are 12 and 16 and go at it each. I zone out when my teens are arguing with each other.

Everyone needs to apologise. Your son for spilling juice, even is acidentally. Your daughter for snapping at him. You, equally, for snapping at her, over reacting, calling her horrible, and possibly leaving the top in a high traffic area. Tell her she can still dance and all move on.

I know you didnt ask, but my best advice as a parent of 3 teens, all now over 16, is to own up when you over react, explain that it was an over reaction, you are sorry, regardless of what the teen did or said to push your buttons. No buts, just the im sorry i over reacted.Teens have this absolute desire to be respected, an apology means so much to them. Obviously, there needs to be consequences to broken boundaries, as you are a parent, but they equally need to see that apologising when your behavious is wrong doesnt come with buts, and they will learn to do the same - eventually.

At first skim read I thought you were talking about a mid-late teenager and a toddler/preschooler.

“Banging on about it” vs “bless him” - agree with others that your favouritism is blatant.

And now, after accepting that you did over react like she did, she not only has to be the only one to apologise but is going to need to suffer some future punishment for her crime too.

Thats after already admitting that your “little one” takes up a lot of time and she’s finding it hard and feeling neglected emotionally.

Perhaps your response to this should be to reflect on what she needs, realise she’s only 11 years old, show a bit more interest in her hobbies and spend some more one on one time with her.

And the 11 year old is even older than the 8 year old, so is even older enough to be more careful with what voluntary vitriol comes out of her mouth, unlike the brother's accident.

Indeed. It does come across that way, the son being the favourite.

but why should an 11 year old be expected to be more of an adult? She is a sister to a "full on" younger sibling waiting on a diagnosis. Its not his fault but iots certainly not hers either. You know that saying about "This is why I can't have nice things" well I bet that was going through her mind. No I don't think her words were lind or appropriate but I get what a struggle it might be to constantly have to deal with his full on ness. And yes why was the juice near the top?