Page 10 | To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

Blondra · 2025-05-24T17:12:12+00:00

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have. Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me. I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors. I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since. Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on. AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months? I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

cestlavielife · 24/05/2025 19:48

Yabu.
She s prepped for this.
You would be mad too if someone ruined your things
But as an adult you might deal with it better
She is 11
Show her a better way to deal with this.
Salvage the situation
Be the calm adult

savethatkitty · 24/05/2025 19:48

eustoitnow · 24/05/2025 19:42

I feel sorry for her actually. Having a younger sibling who is sapping a lot of your time and energy and then he goes and ruins - accident or not - something important to her. She’s a child she is going to have some very strong emotional (sometimes irrational) feelings about things and people - her brother included. Cut her some slack and accept that to her maybe her brother does ruin a lot of things for her

Absolutely this. Well said.

BrickJoker · 24/05/2025 19:48

godmum56 · 24/05/2025 19:48

but why should an 11 year old be expected to be more of an adult? She is a sister to a "full on" younger sibling waiting on a diagnosis. Its not his fault but iots certainly not hers either. You know that saying about "This is why I can't have nice things" well I bet that was going through her mind. No I don't think her words were lind or appropriate but I get what a struggle it might be to constantly have to deal with his full on ness. And yes why was the juice near the top?

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You just said it herself. Her words aren't appropriate.

Moveoverdarlin · 24/05/2025 19:48

NoKnit · 24/05/2025 18:24

How come the top was anywhere near an 8 year old drinking juice near her top? Surely you are either working on it and tell him to move or it is put away in a drawer or her bedroom???

Is life truly like that in any household though? The top was out because OP was working on it and the competition is tomorrow. He was drinking a drink, because well, he needed a drink. Does everyone put away anything and everything that could potentially get damaged before anyone takes a sip of any liquid? Everyone must in very clinical, tidy homes.

It’s just life and when you have kids, spillages are frequent. I can see why your DD is annoyed. But DS didn’t mean it maliciously. Just needed a

‘Hey Johnny go careful! Hey Emily, don’t speak to him like that. I’ll do my best to fix it. Then move on.

Dramatic · 24/05/2025 19:49

Blondra · 24/05/2025 19:12

Thanks everyone, appreciate the replies.

I know I probably went too far, it’s just been one of those days where everything builds up and I lost my patience. She has worked hard and I know how much it means to her, I just really struggled with how nasty she was in that moment. It wasn’t just the top, it was the way she looked at him and said it, like she hated him.

By “not easy” I mean he can be full on. He’s got some stuff going on, we’re waiting on assessments, and he does get a lot of my time/energy which I think she resents. She’s been quite snappy with him recently and I’ve probably let too much slide.

You’re all right though — taking away the comp would probably just make her feel worse and not actually teach her anything. I’ll speak to her properly, make sure she gets how hurtful that was and that she needs to apologise properly to both of us.

Will find another punishment that actually makes sense and doesn’t hurt something she’s worked for.

Honestly feel like I’m winging it most days, but thanks again.

Do not punish her, talk to her. She had a momentary loss of control because something she really cared (and that you clearly don't care about considering your language around it) was ruined by her brother being careless, not to mention the fact she probably feels resentful about the amount of attention he gets, and she's totally entitled to feel that way.

As an aside, I burnt a hole in my dress I was trying to steam the day before my daughters christening and I had a full on strop about it, I was 34 at the time but I was SO pissed off I just lost my temper. If someone else had done it I have no doubt that I would have shouted at them. Give her some grace, she's not an adult.

AnnaL94 · 24/05/2025 19:50

Me and my younger brother used to threaten to kill each other and threw cups, plates, knives at each other on the daily when we were kids.

Don’t cancel the comp.

doodleschnoodle · 24/05/2025 19:50

I think you’re still missing the point.

Forget what she said to him, focus on what she’s telling you. It wasn’t even that nasty honestly, siblings kind of say stuff like that to each other a lot and then next day are playing together like nothing happened. But she’s telling YOU what she feels the dynamic in your family currently is. That’s the bit you need to pay attention to.

I would sit down with her, not angry, not looking to punish, and see how she actually feels. ‘Perhaps you’re feeling like I don’t spend as much time with you because X is taking a lot of my time lately. That must be frustrating. What can we do to make time for each other?’ Or just let her talk, let her say horrible things to you about her brother without telling her off or reacting. If she says ‘I hate him, I wish he didn’t live in this house’ or whatever, don’t start shouting or tell her not to say that. Acknowledge that you’ve heard her feelings. She won’t mean it really, but that’s the way she’s able to express her feelings, so don’t invalidate them. You can reply neutrally ‘It sounds like you’re really struggling getting along with X just now.’

TheBossOfMe · 24/05/2025 19:51

doodleschnoodle · 24/05/2025 19:50

I think you’re still missing the point.

Forget what she said to him, focus on what she’s telling you. It wasn’t even that nasty honestly, siblings kind of say stuff like that to each other a lot and then next day are playing together like nothing happened. But she’s telling YOU what she feels the dynamic in your family currently is. That’s the bit you need to pay attention to.

I would sit down with her, not angry, not looking to punish, and see how she actually feels. ‘Perhaps you’re feeling like I don’t spend as much time with you because X is taking a lot of my time lately. That must be frustrating. What can we do to make time for each other?’ Or just let her talk, let her say horrible things to you about her brother without telling her off or reacting. If she says ‘I hate him, I wish he didn’t live in this house’ or whatever, don’t start shouting or tell her not to say that. Acknowledge that you’ve heard her feelings. She won’t mean it really, but that’s the way she’s able to express her feelings, so don’t invalidate them. You can reply neutrally ‘It sounds like you’re really struggling getting along with X just now.’

This. With bells on.

50Balesofgrey · 24/05/2025 19:51

LoremIpsumCici · 24/05/2025 18:18

Sounds like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Yes, she over-reacted to her dance competition top getting juice spilled over it but I’d cut her some slack as she likely experienced full panic at that moment and thought it was completely ruined.

I think you then over-reacted by “fuming” and saying she can’t go to the dance competition. She’s been working towards it for months. As a punishment it is disproportionately harsh.

After you’ve all calmed down, she will likely apologise to her brother for her outburst especially if you role model and apologise for cancelling her dance competition.

Fucking hell, 'the apple didn't fall far from the tree'. What a nasty thing to say.

Kirova · 24/05/2025 19:51

My 5-year-old DD called my 6-year-old DD a "big fat pants on fire liar" today and 6-year-old shrieked "you're ruining my whole life, I hate you!" And this was over who'd eaten the last chocolate biscuit. Kids say stuff - it's not a big deal as long as they calm down, apologise and (eventually) learn to bite the words down. I wouldn't make too much of it.

Genevieva · 24/05/2025 19:51

She needs to apologise to you and her little brother, acknowledge it was just an accident and that she was wrong to over react and say she will not behave like this again. Then she gets to go.

blubbyblub · 24/05/2025 19:51

godmum56 · 24/05/2025 19:48

but why should an 11 year old be expected to be more of an adult? She is a sister to a "full on" younger sibling waiting on a diagnosis. Its not his fault but iots certainly not hers either. You know that saying about "This is why I can't have nice things" well I bet that was going through her mind. No I don't think her words were lind or appropriate but I get what a struggle it might be to constantly have to deal with his full on ness. And yes why was the juice near the top?

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But it’s STILL not acceptable to scream at someone that they are a freak. Especially if they are ND. And then to. double down.

and by the OPs second post this nasty meanness is increasing

Crying. Shouting ‘you’ve ruined my top’. Running off and slamming doors? Yes. A child would understandably do this in the heart of the moment. But screaming that he’s a FREAK and he always ruins everything? Nope. That’s terrible behaviour.

IainTorontoNSW · 24/05/2025 19:51

Ask yourself this: How did your DD get to the point that, even though she is focused on her event and the costume, she would speak to another member of the family this way.

i.e. There could be something toxic or negative that's been allowed (by role-model example OR by not correcting previous escalating outbursts OR omission) to become her response style to perceived crises. It could be that her peers and friends have acted this way and you and your DH have not clearly nipped it in the bud before.

Your eventual frustration at her outburst seems to be at the extreme end of the 'punishment/reaction spectrum'.

You were right to NOT find her outburst in any way acceptable and to remind her to apologise to her sibling.

Again, how did it come about that she would not stop to apologise?

You say the brother is not easy ... why not? Does he not respect her space? Have you and your partner been too lenient at critical times towards him and his minor/medium indiscretions to the family, the home and his sister?

Some things are allowed, by omission or parental frustration, to not be corrected properly on an earlier occasion.

Please ... be resolute in whatever decision you make and make sure you and your DH back one another in a solution. Apply whatever conditions and consequences firmly and fairly. Don't ever, in the normal course of life, allow one sibling to feel any primacy over the other.

I personally believe you have a lot to fix/stabilise. It may take 6-18 months to affirm your consistency.

willowthecat · 24/05/2025 19:52

It's great that you are reflecting on things and getting a more balanced perspective - but if your ds had been 'banging on' about a competition and your daughter had accidentally spilled a drink on some important part of the preparations, would you have been as angry with him if he had reacted in the moment and said something nasty to her to reflect his anger ?

GreenCandleWax · 24/05/2025 19:53

AthWat · 24/05/2025 19:27

Who allowed the top to be in a position where it was going to get juice spilled on it? When my kids were that age I basically expected them to spill juice whenever they had juice and acted accordingly.
Obviously if its happened when nobody was around, there's nothing you can do about it. But if an adult has knowingly left the kid with juice and the top in a situation where the spillage is possible, just counting on the fact that it might not get spilt, that adult is to blame for everything. The ruined top, the harsh words from the daughter and the son's upset.

Edited

Maybe OP was secretly hoping for a way out from having to be involved in the dance comp. It certainly sounds as though she resented the effort on the top. Maybe she doesn't mind its ruined.

TheOccupier · 24/05/2025 19:53

Jeez, I have only sympathy for your DD - you should make your DS apologise to her for his carelessness (and frankly he does sound annoying). What were you even thinking allowing juice around a costume for an important competition tomorrow? You should apologise as well. Do better!

BraveOctopus · 24/05/2025 19:54

Goodness, my DC’s are all teens now and you’d be absolutely horrified if you heard some of the things they have said to each other in anger 🙈 siblings argue, sometimes they are really mean.

Get an apology done and have a cuddle and move on, all of you. Your DD is also at a stage where her puberty hormones are starting to kick in, you’ll have a very rough ride over the next few years if you overreact in this way all the time…

godmum56 · 24/05/2025 19:54

blubbyblub · 24/05/2025 19:51

But it’s STILL not acceptable to scream at someone that they are a freak. Especially if they are ND. And then to. double down.

and by the OPs second post this nasty meanness is increasing

Crying. Shouting ‘you’ve ruined my top’. Running off and slamming doors? Yes. A child would understandably do this in the heart of the moment. But screaming that he’s a FREAK and he always ruins everything? Nope. That’s terrible behaviour.

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you have no idea how far she has been pushed.

BrickJoker · 24/05/2025 19:56

godmum56 · 24/05/2025 19:54

you have no idea how far she has been pushed.

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Would you like to tell us, since you seem to know this family in and out? Are you their social worker?

Moondropmum · 24/05/2025 19:57

It's not hard to tell who your favourite child is and I bet she can tell too. I would bet that in her mind the explosion was about more than just the outfit, She's probably upset because the competition is something that's putting her in the spotlight and giving her some attention instead of it always being her brother and she feels like that's been ruined.
I would apologise to your daughter, talk to her about appropriate ways to handle her emotions and try spend some one on one time with her.

CaptainFuture · 24/05/2025 19:58

CapitalAtRisk · 24/05/2025 18:32

Reading this:

SHe has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have

I feel so sorry for your DD.

Agree, doing something for the dd is clearly begrudged and disparaged.
Op probably thinks the dd doesn't realise her level of favouritism towards her 'wee one' golden child....
Were you just looking for an excuse to stop her going op?
Can imagine you're planning something for GC to make up for the fact he got told off poor lamb..

CapitalAtRisk · 24/05/2025 19:59

willowthecat · 24/05/2025 19:52

It's great that you are reflecting on things and getting a more balanced perspective - but if your ds had been 'banging on' about a competition and your daughter had accidentally spilled a drink on some important part of the preparations, would you have been as angry with him if he had reacted in the moment and said something nasty to her to reflect his anger ?

No, because the golden son would not have been "banging on" about anything. He would have been being adorably enthusiastic.

Penthrowingsurvivor · 24/05/2025 20:00

blubbyblub · 24/05/2025 19:51

But it’s STILL not acceptable to scream at someone that they are a freak. Especially if they are ND. And then to. double down.

and by the OPs second post this nasty meanness is increasing

Crying. Shouting ‘you’ve ruined my top’. Running off and slamming doors? Yes. A child would understandably do this in the heart of the moment. But screaming that he’s a FREAK and he always ruins everything? Nope. That’s terrible behaviour.

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Oh please

She snapped, and she's a kid.

The OP's casual attitude little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him
bless him indeed...

Yes it was an accident, but you can tell on which side the OP immediately jumped.

GreenCandleWax · 24/05/2025 20:00

Ilikeadrink14 · 24/05/2025 19:34

Well said! You don’t need two brains to know who is the favourite here! What IS it about most, not all, mothers and their sons? This mother will never be close to her daughter if she carries on like this. She clearly isn’t now.
The way she spoke so disparagingly about her, and has obviously not gone out of her way to boost her daughter for the Comp, frankly makes me angry. That young girl, instead of being in a golden glow, clearly can’t even be sure her mother will go and see her. If she doesn’t I expect Mum will blame ‘golden balls’ for that. She doesn’t deserve a daughter if it’s too much trouble to do anything for her, even resenting sewing a few sequins on! Give me strength. That little girl should ideally take place in the comp secure in the knowledge that her loving mum has got her back. As it stands, I don’t imagine she thinks mum will even be there.
Years ago, our daughter, then about 6, told us she had been given an instrument to play in the upcoming orchestra recital. She wouldn’t elaborate, but was obviously proud and excited about what she was would be doing. We were perplexed as, to our knowledge, she had never learned an instrument. We turned up on the night, and the concert began. It was an orchestra of many different ages, but we couldn’t see our girl. At the very end, there was a big crescendo from the orchestra, and then an expectant silence. Our daughter popped out from the wings, and proudly gave a very very loud ‘ting’ on her Triangle. We clapped our hands off. The look of pride on our little girl’s face when she saw us beaming at her was tangible. It was a magical moment. Her joy knew no bounds when we treated her to a MacDonalds later!
This mother wants to get a grip! Apart from anything else, she doesn’t know what she’s missing,
Of course the child should enter the competition. The mother should definitely go, but the sad thing is, she doesn’t want to! Why? Because she doesn’t care enough about her little girl. Shame on her!

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Well said!

LemonSwizzle · 24/05/2025 20:00

Apologies needed all round. I am glad you aren’t cancelling. That would have been cruel to your girl.

Your 11y old is still learning. I have adult kids so 11 seems v young to me. I get she seems very old compared to her brother. But she is still a child.

You can discuss and explain that it was an unpleasant thing to say and why. Not everything needs a huge punishment. As long as she gets the message and never says it again. Surely that’s the goal.