To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

I agree with pps that she's learnt her "highly strung" reactions from you.
It's one thing to reprimand her calmly not to speak to her brother like that, but to have a knee jerk reaction and start imposing very out of proportion punishments - well her reaction was inevitable.

Also.. my first reaction would have been to run the top under the tap to get the juice out and see if the top could be saved, even if it meant gluing some more sparkles on it.

Instead it sounds like everyone was just kicking off.

Were you shouted at a lot as a child, by parents who thought that was discipline? Or had parents who thought the only way you would learn was the hard way? I sympathise if that's the case, but if it is, then maybe you should think about why that was your first reaction and whether it makes things any better.
To quote Michelle "when they go high, you go low" .. especially in vocal terms.
A better tactic would be separate and de - escalate. and most of all don't join in the argument.

You don't have to mete out immediate "punishments" you can say I will deal with that horrible comment you made later. But I would have tried to sort out the top first... when your DD calmed down and saw that it wasn't the end of the world, and apologised she would have learnt that kicking off is really panicking and doesn't solve anything. She might then have tried to correct her mistake. But she didn't get that chance because the situation was escalated.

Also, I would have talked to the 8 year old, unless he has some problem not mentioned, an accident is of course an accident but he was being careless and that contributed to it and he needs to apologise to her too. You sounded really fed up at having to help her prepare for this competition, and maybe he picked up on that attitude too. Are you sure he wasn't fed up with all the attention on DD?

It's not often said on MN.. but in this case, Your DH was absolutely right.

Yabu.

I don't see why, if you were so busy working on the top, he was anywhere near it with juice.

She had a moment of rage, and so did you by giving out such an OTT punishment.

She probably doesn't need much from you day to day jow compared to your son so, in my eyes, even if today had all been about her - so what? It's like when you get told to look at how well kids are eating per week, not per day. In hours, she likely needs less in a month.

You should have let her have her strop, given DS a hug and sent DS up to apologise a few hours later, and talked to her about her snapping behaviour in general a few days later.

It’s never easy to get it right.

But a great parent asks advice, acts on it and tries to solve the situation better.

exactly what you are doing.

It’s also worth looking at young carers. It is known that siblings of those with any send also suffer and need support.

@Blondra

You haven’t taken anything on board have you from all the replies

She’s a child

You’re calling her ‘nasty’

You still want to punish her yet make no reference to the DS being reprimanded at all for ruining her outfit

I feel so sorry for your DD along with everyone else

You are not nice to your DD

OP ruined top, hormones, angst about the comp.

Explosion.

You’re right to let her go, tomorrow is a new day.

Hope she does well today in comp!

It just sounds like she was stressed out by the dance competition being so close.

You are totally overreacting.

He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it

Does that mean he was already crying before the drink was spilt or he started crying after spilling the drink before she lost it

He shouldn't have been allowed to have orange juice anywhere near her outfit. No wonder she was annoyed.

Does she really need a punishment? My brother is autistic, and although I am very close to him now, growing up it was awful. It was nobodies fault, and my mam did her absolute best, but my other sibling and I suffered. Even more so, now I’ve had my own children so I see how much we had to put up with. Even my mam saying ‘I know this is hard, I know I’m asking a lot of you, and I see you trying’ would have helped.

I feel sorry for her, I’m glad you are letting her go to the dance competition.

So still not expecting your 8 year old to apologise? And you're not going to apologise either?
FFS, she couldn't be clearer that she is struggling. You even recognise that you are neglecting her at the moment. But still, you expect your 11 year old to act like an adult. No wonder resentment is building up towards her brother.

Why @Blondraare you so focused on punishing DD and ignoring DS behaviour

it’s baffling

my heart goes out to your DD

@Blondra as I have said I do get it DS is hard and exhausting and it has been difficult not to always place his needs centre but your DD is your child too.

Listen to what she is saying and telling you about how she feels and work from there. Sometimes it does take and emotional outburst for someone to actually grasp that you are unhappy and I think she is telling you that.

it took work and time and patience but now my two at 16 and 12 are really really close and actually he really benefitted as well from the changes we made and working out he couldn’t always get his way

I agree. OP's reaction and her calling him the 'little one' implied that he was a toddler who could be forgiven for knocking the drink over rather than a child of 8 who should have been more careful.

and he does get a lot of my time/energy which I think she resents. She’s been quite snappy with him recently and I’ve probably let too much slide.

Rather than ‘not letting it slide’ you need to make sure her needs are met and that she feels as important as her brother. Can’t believe you’ve even written that down and not realised it’s unfair.

Do you have a "golden child" who is a son. too?

Absolutely this. Your DD needs you just as much as your DS does. The competition is important to her, the outfit was important to her, DS who’s getting all the attention ruined it for her, of course she’s going to be upset.

Being a sibling to a child with SEN is really fucking hard, and sometimes we just want to have our feelings acknowledged.

Oh and @Blondra

You definitely need to apologise to DD

’Dear DD I’m so sorry for being so utterly vile to you and threatening to cancel your dance competition. What your DS did to your top would understandably upset anyone of any age. I’m so sorry I didn’t support you and I’m sorry I was so unkind and acted like someone who doesn’t like you. I’m sorry I haven’t bothered to tell off your DS for what he did. I’m sorry I still think you should be punished despite my being so utterly awful to you when of course you shouldn’t be. What I should be doing is consoling you for what your DS has done to your outfit.

I think it's fine to ask your dd to apologise to her brother.

I hope that you will also ensure that her brother apologises to her as well, and more importantly, that you apologise to her for your own massive overreaction and for the fact that her brother is getting all of the time and attention right now.

It sounds like she is getting the thin end of the wedge tbh. Expected to suck up his behaviour no matter what, while simultaneously accepting that she isn't deserving of equal time and attention. It's inevitable that she thinks he is ruining stuff for her, because from what you've said, that's the reality of the situation. Of course, that isn't necessarily his fault, but it's still her reality.

I wouldn't punish her at this point, tbh. Namecalling isn't the biggest transgression, particularly in those circumstances, and I think you've inflamed the situation too much to rescue it this time. Have a talk with her and do let her know she reacted badly, and there'll be consequences if she does it again, but you need to de-escalate this time.

What about your son's apology to her? She should get one too.

The way you spoke about your daughter in your OP,

"has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have."

Sounds like you resent doing for her and if we pick up on it, I bet she is well aware.

I strongly recommend you read up on the "glass child".

You went way too far OP.

And the 'bless him' - is very telling.

Your daughter had everything reason to be mad. It may have been an accident but it shouldn't have warranted anything other than 'oiw, watch it, we don't talk like that, it was an accident".

The 'bless him' though - when he did indeed ruin her top - just says an awful lot.....he's 8yrs old, not 8mths old. He is not a baby nor a 'little one' and he should be more careful.

How would you feel as an adult if you had a brand new outfit for a special event and someone annoying spilt juice over it before you even got to wear it?

Her reaction was unacceptable but it honestly sounds like you don’t like her.

She should apologise to her brother and then go to the competition.

Honestly feel like I’m winging it most days, but thanks again
Aren’t we all? 😅

Who allowed the top to be in a position where it was going to get juice spilled on it? When my kids were that age I basically expected them to spill juice whenever they had juice and acted accordingly.
Obviously if its happened when nobody was around, there's nothing you can do about it. But if an adult has knowingly left the kid with juice and the top in a situation where the spillage is possible, just counting on the fact that it might not get spilt, that adult is to blame for everything. The ruined top, the harsh words from the daughter and the son's upset.