To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

This is very simple.

Both children apologise to each other and then your daughter goes ahead with the dance competition.

OP will have to spend the rest of her "bloody life glueing gems to a crop top" if she washes it. 😂 It seems it was too much effort to do it once, I can't see her doing it again.

Your poor daughter.

Imagine you had something that you are excited and likely nervous about...you want everything to be perfect and someone spills a drink all over your top that you needed to wear. ..put yourself on her shoes for 5 minutes! Ok, she shouldn't have spoken to her brother like that but she was likely shocked, upset and angry...they are ok emotions.

You shouldn't use a punishment that you will either have to back down on, or that is way too harsh for the situation.

I'm with your partner. You over reacted

Since when are you spoilt for not wanting your important things to be ruined?
You’ve such a strange outlook.

The girls mother clearly has no interests in her hobbies and can’t really be bothered with her, seems like a long way off spoilt.

Not weird at all. This is when we are supposed to be teaching dc not to do this so they don’t turn into the abusive adults people hate on so much.

it’s called parenting.

it’s not ok to be calling people freaks and then showing complete disrespect by rudely answering back and doubling down on the nasty verbal attack.

Also…I would bet my house that the eldest has a different dad to the youngest, the way op talks about her

As a pp said you're not being consistent. Either your 8yo is an adorable tiny child who cannot be expected to control his limbs, in which case she's not much older. Or your dd is plenty old enough to control her emotions, take unfortunate events on the chin, in which case her brother isn't much younger.

Fwiw in this house she wouldn't have had a chance to shout at him because I would have got there first. He's 8, that is old enough to be careful around important things.

Only ever issue an ultimatum that you're prepared to follow through. If you let her go now you're telling her you don't mean what you say and give her the green light to not change her behaviour. She knows you're a pushover.

Having said that, siblings piss each other off and do dumb stuff. She knows in her heart of hearts her brother didn't do it on purpose and probably would have calmed down after some time alone.

And he might well, just possibly, turned on the waterworks because it always gets his DM on his side! Who knows - we are not being told the whole story.

I wouldn't be so sure it was an accident. And perhaps if her mum actually did something occasionally about his behaviour, that she herself thinks is hard, then perhaps the daughter wouldn't have said what she did. Everyone has their breaking point. Being treated like an adult while your 3 year younger brother gets treated like a toddler ( with the bless him, and little one) will damage the daughter's mental health.
All 3 should be apologising.

I am an adult my DH is an adult and if either of us had accidentally spilled a drink over an important outfit we would probably both react with harsh words. I would have called him a clumsy prick and he would most likely call me a clumsy bitch. Then after a while we would calm down and apologise. It is a natural reaction might not be great but its human nature.

I feel really sorry for your daughter. She’s been training and is excited (‘banging on about it’ aka being enthusiastic) and her outfit has been spoiled.

She shouldn’t be calling her brother a ‘freak’ but I think the “who spoils everything” bit needs unpicking. Does he spoil things regularly for her? Is he treated differently to her? Does she feel (rightly or wrongly) that you prefer him to her?

Cancelling the comp could make her resent him more but she will remember this and could resent you. I know so many adults who feel their sibling is the favoured golden child and often it’s the older child (and female)who is held to very different standards.

On what basis are you suddenly determining that the boy is anything at all? What a horrible attitude. All the kid has done is be 8 and spill a drink.

the girl is the one who has demonstrated nasty behaviour. Something wrong with you if the OP has you demonising the 8 year old on the basis of having spilt a drink. He has literally not done anything else at all. What’s wrong with you ?

Massive overreaction on your part. Also, pulling out of the comp will affect all the dancers/dance school. It would be very selfish to do that.

OP said that the 8 year old isn’t easy, implying he isn’t in fact perfect

Nothing wrong with me. I can read. You may like to try it, starting with the OP's posts.

I don't disagree with you, actually, but let me just get this correct now:

• You're assuming complete knowledge of the 8-year-old's true intentions, that he did it deliberately, when he immediately started crying (very telling). What we know for a fact is the daughter called him a freak who ruins everything.
• Blaming the mother for the son's spilling of the juice, and any previous behaviour.

Thanks everyone, appreciate the replies.

I know I probably went too far, it’s just been one of those days where everything builds up and I lost my patience. She has worked hard and I know how much it means to her, I just really struggled with how nasty she was in that moment. It wasn’t just the top, it was the way she looked at him and said it, like she hated him.

By “not easy” I mean he can be full on. He’s got some stuff going on, we’re waiting on assessments, and he does get a lot of my time/energy which I think she resents. She’s been quite snappy with him recently and I’ve probably let too much slide.

You’re all right though — taking away the comp would probably just make her feel worse and not actually teach her anything. I’ll speak to her properly, make sure she gets how hurtful that was and that she needs to apologise properly to both of us.

Will find another punishment that actually makes sense and doesn’t hurt something she’s worked for.

Honestly feel like I’m winging it most days, but thanks again.

Also what the daughter says implies it as well

and as I have said I have been there and I know how it happens

You left out the sentence where I said "She needs to be nicer to her brother and apologise for the name calling".

I think we need more context- you say you’re sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. What has she done? If this is the latest of a long series of bratty behaviour that she’s been warned about then yes she deserves a punishment. But as an isolated incident it’s just going to build resentment.

8 is absolutely old enough to know better than to be mucking around with juice near something like that. She was justifiably very upset about him ruining something important to her, and you way overreacted. 8 year old should apologise for ruining her costume, she should apologise for her mean comment, and you should definitely apologise for how you reacted and take her to the competition, assuming she can salvage the outfit or find something else appropriate to wear.

And have a serious think about how you treat both your kids - definite signs of the 8 year old ("little one" - he's not a toddler!!) being allowed to get away with murder at your older child's expense.

Except I'm not "assuming complete knowledge". You did by saying it was an accident. I gave an alternative but didn't say it was definitely deliberate. I've seen enough kids cry as a way to get out of trouble to ever assume that because a child is crying then he's very sorry. Some have just learnt crying keeps them out of trouble.
Well yes, parents are largely responsible for how their children behave. The OP is babying her 8 year old instead of dealing with his behaviour.

Have you thought about it from her point of view. A brother who is ‘not easy’ sounds challenging. Is she being treated fairly?