To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

Way OTT. In general I would say follow through, though, since once a punishment has been decided then you do it (cue, never say 'you won't be coming to Alton Towers' or whatever if that is going to cause a major management problem when it had to be done). However, it sounds like little brother is often doing things and possibly getting away with them - or why do you say he is hard work? And she is eleven, on the cusp if not over the edge of adolescence and liable to be incandescent about nothing. Say she must apologise to her brother and let it go.

NB 'siblings', a child of gender ideology implying you don't know someones gender ID and this matters (it doesn't), is a horrid way of saying 'her brother', he's her brother (because we know his sex)! (End of small rant)

She punished her DD for a tantrum in the way she felt was appropriate at the time.

What would you have done?

Hang on. OP said she went too far, snapped and lost patience, resulting in her behaving in exactly the same way she was punishing her daughter for.
So who’s punishing OP then?

I keep saying it, she reacted with no thought or decision making on what is appropriate. I am not going to get into what I would have done. I believe that this goes deeper than this one episode.

The OP punished her daughter for her behaviour in the way she thought fit.

Which doesn't mean it was acceptable or that we cannot point out she was wrong to act that way

DD was angry, she said something hurtful but she wasn't aggressive and could have been worse. She was then treated differently to her brother, who was given a pass for his damage. Her feelings of inadequacy and place as second fiddle were confirmed by the way her mother reacted

To then miss out on something so important to her because of her brother's actions would not help her, it would emotionally damage her

So what punishments do you give your children?

I have not said whether the punishment was right or wrong.

It is, though far far better than smacking. What would you have done?

If the OP instinctively felt that for her DD to enter the competition was beyond her emotions, then whether for punishment or otherwise, she should stick to her guns.

So you are all telling the OP she went too far and decided some sort of mental torment might teach the OP a lesson?

Maybe we should make OP miss something important to her because she had an emotional reaction

I would want to make absolutely sure my DD was confident prior to an event she is entering.

that is just an excuse.

nope she didn't choose decide or anything else, she reacted, the same as her daughter reacted.

She didn't make a "decision" - she "lost it" and was fuming - the exact same thing that she thinks deserves a "punishment" in her child. She does not apply the same to herself - and she is an adult, not a child whose emotional regulation is not yet mature. So hypocritical.
In any case, a child's angry expression of an authentic feeling is not something that requires punishment but understanding and guidance. Some replies on here are truly shocking.

If the OP instinctively felt that for her DD to enter the competition was beyond her emotions

She didn't think her daughter wasn't emotionally ready for the competition...

She took something very important away from her daughter because her daughter was upset about her brother ruining something else important to her

She did it to punish and hurt her daughter

That's an excuse and you know it. She didn't instinctively feel anything and wasn't considering the competition except as a method of punishing her daughter.

I get it. I would not make her(OP) life a misery by you lot on here castigating her for her judgement.

The OP conveyed to her daughter the fact that she should not have reacted to her DB spilling the fruit juice with such emotion.

There has to be some emotion shown by OP in order to issue the punishment. If that fitted what her DD did, then she should not feel regret/

What would you have done instead?

My final thought is it makes me re think estrangement threads on Gransnet - it's not really the incident itself, after all drinks get spilled, children call names but the anger towards the daughter is stark as is the favouritism of the son - but i hope this can be addressed before it's too late !

What punishment do you think the OP deserves?

Not at all. Wouldn't you? Accidents happen, whether in show jumping or dancing competitions, or any other event.

I get it. I would not make her(OP) life a misery by you lot on here castigating her for her judgement.

1. She wanted to make her DD life a misery for her judgement so it's the same
2. She came on MN, AIBU to ask for advice and we are giving her that advice. Her one reply hasn't shown too much reflection so she is rightly still being asked to reflect on her favouritism

Not that I expect OP is even reading these any more

i am glad i am not your child. The world does not consist of a narrow misdemeanour and punishment narrative. Try and widen your understanding, maybe look at some books about developmental stages in children. You are too black and white in your thinking.

Parents have to act quickly.

Was it temper? The OP says she lost her temper. Perhaps she did, compared to other times, but we don't know that, do we?

Many parents show loss of temper in terrible ways. This OP did not lose her cool to more than the extent of grounding her DD, which I consider to be fair.

You can ground a child for bad behaviour, by not allowing them to go to something they are looking forward to, and I don't have a problem with that. You obviously do. You have that prerogative.

When you compare that to what happened to little Sara, how do you rate the punishment of grounding?

Sorry, but I do not agree with you.

Nobody said DD wasn’t confident in the event she’s entering! The issue is about a skewed family dynamic which everyone seems able to grasp except you!

Grounding means taking away a privilege, which can be an event or an outing, or anything else.

No mother likes to have a situation which calls for discipline, but there is nothing wrong in showing your child that you are not pleased, and grounding is a far better way of punishing than what is happening to may children in this day and age, when violence begets violence all the time.

She was cross with the child. She punished her by grounding her from the competition. I actually do not find anything wrong with that. It is a non violent punishment which works a lot better than other punishments.

Some punishments go on and on and on.

The OP's reaction to having to correct her DD is punishment enough.

This is not bad temper, this is a CHILD who thought her costume was ruined and that the ruined costume meant she couldn't take part in a competition. Have you any conception whatsoever how that would feel to this poor girl.

And the mother being annoyed at having to fix the beads, it's being called a PARENT you know, showing love to your child by fixing something for them

And you talk about motherhood