To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

From what you have said your poor daughter is sidelined a lot because her brother takes a lot of your time and energy, i dont think you should punish her at all.she needs more of your attention. You come across as annoyed you ‘had’ to gem the costume and her comping is too much bother for you. Being a dance mum os hard work and a lot of commitments. I know i have 2 champion dancer grandchildren one of which has won a scholarship to dance college . You need to stop putting you son first . Also the top should not of been near a drink, all teh hours put in to gemming it you should of been more careful. Step up and show your daughter she is important as well, she needs it

You clearly have no idea of the work this girl has put in, her mother is ‘annoyed as having to gem the costume. She behaves as if if the girls dance is a an inconvenience. The bother is getting most of the attention and the girl is expected to just put up with all he does because he has ‘issues’. Just no, the mother needs to give the girl more attention . She should not have to put up and shut up about what her brother does , the mother needs to step up as a parent.

I wonder how OP remembers how it feels to be 11. I read a book recently about a mum who preferred her male son (one of twins), it was called my name is Eden, or something like that. OP might do her daughter a favour by reading it.

Bad temper, if not stopped - 'nipped in the bud' - as soon as it starts will grow, and fester into a wound impossible to contain.

There are faults on four sides, as there is in all families. If there is no discipline, there is a risk of breaking down the family.

Yes, the mother is annoyed at having to fix all those beads, etc. Anyone would be. Did the DD have the right to throw a tantrum because DB accidently spoiled the top?

Even if you think DD had the right to be upset, the way she showed it is wrong. If DD is not corrected now, at her age, she will continue to do so.

Children learn from the consequences - punishment, if you will - better than other ways. Parents cannot smack their children. Children have a human right not to be assaulted physically, but they should not profit from tantrums.

Almost all very young children have thrown a tantrum in a shop because mum won't buy them what they want. Many mums give in to save face. Would you? We cannot use the 'short sharp stick' punishment any more.

OP decided to punish in another way and DH should stand by her.because both must show a united front when it comes to discipline.

If the DS makes a habit of tormenting DD, even that can be resolved without loss of temper. Just because he 'has issues' does not mean he cannot be disciplined when he does something wrong. Some kids learn easily that they can 'profit' from their 'issues'.

Because we cannot resort to corporal punishment, does not mean children go unpunished.

A punishment is only a punishment if it has meaning.

The whole world would be a better place if faults are properly corrected. Motherhood is a serious responsibility.

To those asking about punishment for the son and suggesting I’m ok with his behaviour. Im not, he would be involved in the discussions in our house ( I have a 7yo too) We don’t know what’s going on with the son, op said waiting for assessment. I have an 11yo with potential ND, she gets treated the same, however on the side we have conversations with our eldest ( they clash the most) about potential ND, she has many friends with ND so is not ignorant to the behaviours, but obviously that dosnt mean she has to accept any negative behaviour from her sibling. The conversations are had at age appropriate levels for all.

As it is it’s my dd with potential NDs that’s had to do the most reflection and think of her punishments atm. We do this when everyone is calm, there is a time line usually a day or 2 for reflection, talking and to see what they believe they think is appropriate punishment for the behaviour. Every time we’ve done this we or other dd says that the self punishment is too harsh so we tend to reduce it so everyone is happy. Biggest issue is taking and destroying her older sisters things, so very much like this situation, however it very much sounds like an accident here.

Punishments have ranged from taking her self off her devices ( which she heavily leans on) paying out of her own pocket/birthday money to replace items or gifting her much converted belongings away. There is always a talk about respect and ways to channel anger which we will always support

A punishment which is too harsh and disproportionate does not help or encourage better behaviour

A punishment which seems to further highlight that one child is the favourite over another will only increase more tension and issue

If he's not easy they what emotional labour is she constantly undergoing, as a child? You have empathy for one child but how does she feel, what burden and for how long? This requires a talk, not a punishment or you will be setting a precedent that will haunt your relationship with your daughter for years.

I grew up in a family which didn't use punishments. I think I'm fine! It's simply not required. Do we punish ourselves when we do something wrong? Unlikely.

This sounds like you wish corporal punishment was an option. I hope the OP doesn't take this terrible advice.

People have different views on what is 'harsh' and 'disproportionate' when it comes to punishment.

How would you have dealt with it?

The OP did what she felt was the right thing to do in the circumstances.

She may regret her decision, but that is not the point. At that time it seemed to her the right decision to make.

Children know the difference between right and wrong when they are very young. They lose their innocence in a very short time after birth, something not always realised.

When a baby is only lifted out of it's cot when it cries, it will go through childhood - and even life - thinking that whenever it cries it will get attention. There are plenty of threads which show that happens too often.

What about your kindness?- you clearly treating her far more harshly than her brother? Has her brother apologised about the top? Is his pocket money replacing it-yes it's an accident, but it should still have consequences, the top still needs replacing.

You have an 11 year old daughter who may be premenstrual if she hasn't already started periods. Have you considered this? Every female gets frustrated especially around that time of the month and its very possible a factor that may be playing a part. You can't punish her for being frustrated you can however tell her that its not OK to make it personal and she needs to apologise.

I most certainly do not. I have never physically assaulted my children. Just think about it, why would anyone do that?

Why would you demean my advice? It may be wrong by your standards, but that is no reason to rubbish it, Children need rules. They need to know how far they can go. It gives them the assurance that someone cares for them.

How would you have dealt with the situation?

Today's children are tomorrow's leaders. Setting boundaries and having punishments allow them better judgement in the future.

Children’s brains are not fully developed until early 20s. Whilst they may understand right and wrong, they will also be battling (in DDs case) raging hormones, a family dynamic tipped in favour of DS due to his difficult behaviour’ and all the issues that come with the teenage years. The kind of parenting you’re talking about is from an era before we had an understanding of the complexities of the developing human brain. It has no relevance here.

the 1800's called. They want to know when you are coming back

It's worse than that, even. Reminds me of St Augustine in the 4th century. Sinful babies crying for attention!

no she didn't make her decision....in her own words
"I know I probably went too far, it’s just been one of those days where everything builds up and I lost my patience."

OP decided to punish in another way and DH should stand by her.because both must show a united front when it comes to discipline.

Bollocks. If my partner gives an unnecessarily harsh punishment to one of my kids, I'm not going to support him just because he's my partner. Adults, like the OP, make mistakes. They should not be encouraged just because they are adults. If they make mistakes they need to own them, not be supported just because they are parents. Why should the child suffer additional poor treatment because of an adult's poor choices?

What is the matter with you? You do not like my comments. You have that right. What 'advice' did you see in my post that you think is wrong? I made a comment: you see it as advice. That is not reason for insulting me. Once someone starts insulting because they cannot think of any other response, they display weakness.

Corporal punishment. is wrong. I have said nothing which would give anyone the opinion that I agree with it. Nor have I ever meted it out. There is a law against it. There shouldn't even be a law against it, but there is, because parents just don't seem to be able to attack their children unless there is a law.

(thinking about it, there shouldn't be a parking law in dangerous places, but if there were no double yellows, people would park anywhere)

We have to have laws, because people cannot be trusted to do the right thing. If you studied Social History, it isn't that long since a husband was told that he could beat his wife so long as the stick was no thicker than his thumb!

The OP punished her daughter for her behaviour in the way she thought fit. Bad behaviour should be corrected. It was her choice. I am not even saying it would be mine, but you have to correct bad behaviour, and it has to have meaning.

Her DD was angry at her DB, for spoiling her top. Anyone would be. I am not saying he was right or that he shouldn't be held accountable. The way DD's anger is shown is aggressive and unacceptable to the OP,

Anger and aggression must be stopped, otherwise DD might think it acceptable. The OP felt that not going to the dance competition would show what she did was not acceptable. Hopefully, in the future, the DD will think twice before venting anger.

You say you would have handled it better than the OP. Well we can all say that in hindsight. Perhaps the OP had no other option?

I did not say she should not be corrected. But thats different to punishment. Yes talk to her .and no not everyone would be annoyed about gemming a costume, it all part of supporting your child in an activity you allowed them to do. If you cant be bothered to do what it take then dont let them start at all

So? The OP wondered if she went too far. So what? I did not say she did. I reserve judgement, but at the time she thought it was right, and to change it would look like capitulation, and what then?

At the time the OP thought it was suitable. Perhaps it was, because if the DD became so angry and upset, perhaps she should not go anyway. Children should be confident when they enter something like that.

I would not let my DD enter into a pony show unless I was sure she was confident. If showing such temper as the OP's DD showed, then the OP was right to ground her.

"The OP punished her daughter for her behaviour in the way she thought fit."

No she didn't. She admits she lost her patience. She didn't think.

Your comment about babies learning to cry for attention and therefore they should be left to cry is factually wrong. https://laleche.org.uk/letting-babies-cry-facts-behind-studies/#:~:text=In%201998%2C%20Harvard%20research%20showed,and%20sensitive%20to%20future%20trauma.&text=Chronic%20stress%20in%20infancy%20can,illness%20far%20into%20the%20future.

do you not get it? She lost her patience. She didn't think at all, she reacted.

And you know all that because?