To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

We have a rule in our house, we don’t care what’s going on in everyone’s life’s, what’s caused a fight/argument, you never ever speak to your family like that. No one in this house has the right to put down or call anyone else in our home names I don’t care what has resulted in this happening.

Maybe this is the type of discussion you need.

Also say you won’t take the dance comp away but afterwards she needs to come up with an appropriate punishment for herself to speak to her brother the way she did as well as an appropriate apology.

You are in the wrong, she acted with anger about something that is being spoiled by her brother who is clearly being coddled.

She should apologise for calling him a freak, but other than that she did nothing wrong.

Oh God. She will never forgive you. At her age, that's going to be something she remembers and resents forever. Back down. For the sake of your relationship, apologise for over reacting and let her compete

He’s 8, not 3! Accident or not, he still needs to learn to respect other people’s things. I would have been more annoyed about his carelessness than I would about DD’s perfectly understandable reaction.

@AliceMcK and the punishment for the son?..
What a shame that it just happened to be when the dds specialist top was out that things got spilled...🙄

Well said.

So DS can spoil her stuff and that’s ok? Kids can be devious… maybe he ruined her top on purpose because OPs attention was diverted away from him. Even if he didn’t, they BOTH need a talking to about demonstrating respect. No punishment needed (and certainly not one-sided blame, unless you want to foster hatred and resentment 🤦‍♀️)

That seems very sensible.

Why do you need to punish her?

He ruined her top. You don't seem to be punishing him (not that I would recommend that).

Do you generally treat them differently?

Anyway, punishment isn't the only way to parent. You could talk about what happened and how it made her feel and set up a reparation once she is calm.

Atm you are escalating. And being unfair. And leaving her to manage everything on her own, which she isn't emotionally able to do.

I mean, the OP has only posted twice and only mentioned him once. We haven't heard much from her about anything, really.

Think of a punishment that fits the crime. Something like no WiFi for a day and she has to take her brother to the park to apologise for what she said. The drink shouldn’t have been near the outfit, so I can understand the frustration

You will lose your daughter if there is any more of this. Classic mother favouring her golden boy.

Can you not empathise with how anxious and wound up your daughter is about this big, to her, performance.

Your “little one” needs a good telling of and you need to sort your ideas out.

Maybe don't forget that the both of you shouod apologise to her too.

Normal sister and brother stuff. Imagine you had a really important day and someone ruined your outfit by knocking juice all over it. Doesn’t sound like a first time offence, so why he was even drinking juice in the vicinity I don’t know. She had a strong reaction because it means a lot to her. I think you went way over the top. As well as her apologising to her brother for saying something mean, you owe her an apology for your reaction and also for letting him have juice around the costume, that was careless of YOU.

Agree that it's worth considering whether younger (not little) DS might be playing you, OP. That's not to say he doesn't have developmental or behavioural issues. Just that your default reaction shouldn't always be 'Poor thing, he doesn't know what he's doing.'

If that is how it generally goes in your family, it's no wonder DD exploded over this thing that was so important to her, that DS accidentally(?) ruined. And not for the first time by the sound of things.

I'm glad that now the dust has settled a bit you've realised that not allowing her to do her dance comp would've been... kind of beyond comprehension really!

But I don't think forcing her to apologise is a great idea either. It would not only tattoo this injustice on her heart, but consign her permanently to the role of 'bad guy'. Which will cause a world of pain for her and the rest of you.

I'm sure you want to show that her efforts and achievements matter, and that as parents you're proud of her. Normally I hate to be all 'I hear what you're saying...' to someone who's just blown a gasket, but I think it's vital in this case. You can google advice, but basically I think it's good to acknowledge that her rage is completely understandable, and also that you're going to help her manage it - because it's frightening not to have at least some control over your emotions, and also it's a massive part of growing up.

Although she'll make every attempt to disguise it, DD desperately needs your approval and guidance.

We all wing it. If we knew what we were in for when contemplating parenthood, the human race would have come to an abrupt end!
Mine are 48 & 50 & have fought like kilkenny cats on & off the whole damn time. They were even shouting at each other when they came to fix my fence the other day. I made them a sandwich & told them to shut up. This is only to say that all these things pass in the end. Hope things calm down for you (until the next time 😉)

This !!!!

Sounds like you favour your son. Is he being punished for knocking over the juice? Your poor DD was angry and upset. Even as an adult her behaviour wouldn't be completely unreasonable.

Your attitude is that she's been going on about it and insisting you help with an outfit. I adored helping mine with things like this and making them costumes from scratch which then became making cosplay. Why would you not want to do things with your DD?

Why did your DS have juice next to something you'd clearly spent time on? I've worked with kids who would greatly enjoy damaging something important and then crying over it...

OP you sound like you don't like your daughter very much.

Absolutely all of this.

So how did she do?
Have you talked?

Come back and let us know OP

No apology, no competition. Simple.

Ignore all the replies that say you have gone too far. They’re just from awful parents who continuously indulge terrible bahviour from their “little angels”. And are exactly why children go up as entitled brats who never face the consequences of their actions. (And therefore never change their behaviour).

This is crazy, what did you expect her to do, pat him on the head! You're a disgrace if you don't or didn't let her go.

You follow this advice and your soon to be teen will never confide in you, and will leave as soon as she possibly can choosing a life far away.

A draconian approach never ever works with pre teens, you will alienate her, she will rebel and you will trash the relationship.

Instead, give her boundaries, set out some guidance to keep her safe, offer her unconditional love and withhold judgement when she makes inevitable mistakes - as we all do as humans. Show love, understanding and empathise with the suffering. Today’s teens have a really hard time and you need to be on her team 100% if she is to stand any chance at all of navigating this stage.

(Signed mother of four young adults)

he does get a lot of my time/energy which I think she resents
There's your issue.
How have you addressed this to make sure she gets her fair share of your time?
He just happened to create a problem with the very thing that she needed? How did you punish him for this while you were telling her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise.
How often does he affect her life?