To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

i would be upset if something that had taken a long time to be made got destroyed the day before - she’s 11 and is still learning how to deal with these situations. She should say sorry but perhaps a little chat once she’s calmed down about how things happen. I’m sure it was an accident but perhaps a little chat with your son about being more careful too.

a dance competition is a great learning experience so I wouldn’t stop her from going.

I would let her go but have a proper conversation so she knows where she stands.
If her behaviour doesn’t improve, then she needs to know that she will NOT be attending the next one.

Can’t believe it would even enter your head to cancel the child’s dance competition that she is so looking forward to ! ! ..
They’re both just kids , siblings name call ..
Your son apologises for ruining top & your daughter apologies for calling names , move on & change the subject, go out get pizza & chat about the dance competition & the excitement of it all & the day ahead 🙌

Hang on, there's a lot more going on here.

For a start, why was her (very important) top anywhere near a younger child with a drink??? Is that on YOU op? Did you leave it there / fail to monitor what your son was doing?

And 8 is not "a little one". He's well old enough to understand that he can't just spill drinks on furniture / items of clothing left lying around. Perhaps he should be required to have all drinks in the kitchen until he learns to be more responsible?

While you daughter should, of course, apologise for calling him a freak, he should also apologise for spoiling her top. Like other PPS, I wonder what else she has to put up with and whether you should be looking for ways to spend quality time with her and/or put steps in place to protect her stuff.

Sounds similar with my two DD's (eldest is 10, youngest is 6). The youngest is the one with the most challenging behaviour, and I know it's usually "just kids being kids" but I have realised the effect it can have on my eldest DD, particularly when my youngest is quite destructive, for e.g. will draw on her things or purposely take one of her things. And of course when my eldest DD reacts, I tend to almost instinctively protect the youngest which is wrong. I realise that. It comes across as "favouring". More to the point, it sounds like some kind of family sit down is needed, or some more quality time with your DD. Like my DD, it sounds like she is going through pre-teen emotions aswell, and they need a little more patience and an extra ear to listen. Oh, and please don't cancel her dance comp!! Wish you all the best. It's not easy! X

And of course when my eldest DD reacts, I tend to almost instinctively protect the youngest which is wrong. I realise that.
If you realise it, bloody stop it.

I think 99% of women would probably go nuts (or at least be very irritated at the very least) if their clumsy sibling/other half split something down the outfit they were about to wear for an important competition/interview/major function. She’s a small child too so even more likely to be less stoic about it. Cut her some slack.

Middle school has got to be the most the miserable time in a kid’s life.
They aren’t little kids, they aren’t big kids.
Please forgive your daughter for being in middle school and being a pain in the arse and being stressed out over her dance recital and being angry at her that she has a little brother who ruins everything.
And please forgive yourself for being on your last nerve.
”I admit I made a mistake” would go a long way.
Give both your children a big hug - you’re fortunate to have them. ❤️

I certainly WOULDN'T cancel the dance comp. I think it would really cause a great deal of hurt and resentment and is almost cruel.

Perhaps it was a one off?
An 8 year old remember?
These thing can happen to anyone - not just an 8 year old!

OP I really think you need to examine your attitude towards each of your children, and possibly real favouritism. From your original post, what jumps out to me is how you speak about each. Your DD: “banging on about”, “half my bloody life”, “she INSISTED”, “she absolutely LOST it” etc. Your DS: “little one”, “accidentally”, “in tears”, “bless him”. If you are treating them differently, your DD will have picked up on this.

The consequences seem to be he's a poor injured lamb who's owed apologies, oh and @Blondra too, because her someone's acknowledged her Golden Baby isn't the most amazing faultless thing ever.
Op prob will never be back because posters have sympathy for the dd, and aren't appalled at her, with pitchforks at the ready for making the 'little one' cry, by acknowledging he's not untouchable!
Were you nice to your dd before you had a 2nd child op?

11 is young but in 7 years time , she will be an adult - what kind of memories are being made ? Is she going to laugh with her mum and say 'Oh remember when little bro spilled juice all over my special costume and you blamed me and threatened to cancel the competition because i didn't rush to bless his tears like you' ?

I feel sorry for the son…’already in tears’…so clearly not deliberate, she sounds like an entitled madame and calling her little brother a freak ‘who ruins everything’ is revolting. However…she’ll blame HIM if you carry this through, and it will linger. Plus…let her go to her competition! It’s way too meaningful to take away…though I’d organise a sit-down chat complete with sincere apologies (on both sides) before she can go. Pitting one against the other ain’t a good strategy

This 100%. The poor DD showing her mum a moment of vulnerability as favourite son hides under a cloak of ADHD or whatever ‘difficult’ behaviour OP wants labelled as such.
I can guarantee DD will grow up feeling like another worthless woman, and DS will be yet another man feeling superior and powerful, thanks to Mummy.

OP, what punishment are you meting out to DS for spoiling DD’s top?

Surely not as it was an accident?!

I imagine every parent feels like they’re winging it most days. Lol

I’m glad you’re letting her go. It sounds like you could both do with some good old fashioned mother/daughter time. I used to love going for lunch with my mum and to the cinema when I was that age. It might help with her relationship with her brother.

You’ve gone too far.

He’s 8, not 3. There are only three years between them but it sounds like your expectations of your (probably hormonal) daughter are much higher than those you have of your son.
Even the tone in which you refer to him - ‘Little one,’ ‘Bless him’ - is far more gentle. You may not have meant it to come over this way, but it really sounds like he’s the favourite. I know 11 year old girls can be dramatic sometimes, but to be fair, I’d have gone mad if he’d spilt juice on my new outfit that I needed the next day too.

Maybe, but this strikes me as such an avoidable accident. The top shouldn't have been where something can get spilt on it OR the younger child shouldn't have had a drink near it.

I don't think I was blaming the boy. Rather I wanted the OP to look at her own part in what happened.

The only thing she'll learn if you cancel the competition for her is to resent her brother even more. Talk to her calmly and tell her everyone was a bit too hyped up and you'll do your best to wash the top. Take a deep breath! Good luck.

Or already in tears because he's manipulative and knows how to work mummy dearest...in order to play victim and get his sister into trouble.

Sounds like you said something in anger when you were overwhelmed and dysregulated if you stop and take a deep breath you’ll realise that was pretty much what she did.
Excellent opportunity to model apologising and explaining how things can blow up when everyone is on edge and emotionally invested in something. Ultimately it’s about how we react when we feel like we’re losing control. Your daughter lost it in the heat of the moment because she felt like something she really cares about was getting ruined. She used equalising behaviour to make her brother feel small and her feel like she was back in control. You felt protective of your son and worried your daughter was being unkind and ungrateful so you used equalising behaviour on her by taking away something she really wanted, that in turn made you feel back in control. Except now you both feel shit and nobody’s really had a chance to repair what’s gone on or learnt anything useful about emotional regulation or conflict resolution.
My instinct would be to go and say sorry, explain how you felt and why you reacted like you did. Empathise with her and it will de-escalate the whole situation.

Did you punish your son too? Why is it okay for him to spill juice all over her top but not okay for her to retaliate?
shes 11. This competition is probably her world, but hey, she’s been banging on about it and that’s soooo annoying.
ffs.