To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

Did he apologise @Missj25 how do you know?

She's stressed (as are you ) but is she also going through puberty? Has her periods started yet? I remember the meltdowns my daughter had at 11 just before she started menstruation.

I’m glad that you are letting her go to the competition.

I remember having my stuff destroyed by my younger siblings - just being totally stupid, thoughtless and careless. Not malicious. But I cried about stuff that they destroyed of mine. It isn’t OK for her to have to just not react when he destroys stuff. He ruined something that was really exciting and special to her presumably by being totally careless.

This indeed.

You take away something like the dance comp and she will know that you don’t have her back as a teen and she will act accordingly.

So younger child spoils DD,s special outfit that she is so proud to be wearing to an event that she has obviously prepared, practiced and looking forward to and you expect her to just go OK doesn't matter.
And then you cancel her going to the event because she is angry about her outfit being spoiled and was fed up with her younger siblings behaviour. You are being totally unreasonable.

Awful take on things

Awful parents are those who favour one child over another and I agree, her ‘little angel’ (DS) will most likely grow up to be an entitled brat.

Sounds like you favour the brother and refused to see things from her angle. Well …

How did the comp go? Hope you had a good day

If you cancel it she will blame DS. (If he hadn't spilt the drink, she would have gone ultimately, regardless of her response being the actual cause).
Take her phone for a week or ban friends coming over for a week, but cancelling something that important isn't going to help the sibling bond.

Ah yes
The majority are awful parents and you are perfect

Even though it's quite clear the OP favours her DS and he's more likely to grow up as an "entitled brat"

What about the 8 year old brothers behaviour? Why was he in a position to spill the drink. What was he doing? Was he messing about?
How many times has he spoiled things for her in the past?
She shouldn't be punished for losing her temper. Have you never done that when you are upset and very stressed? Add in that she is still a child probably both worried and excited about the competition and with a mother who doesn't seem very interested in the competition and a brother who as OP says can be difficult then I think her behaviour is understandable
Certainly talk to her about being kind and what isn't appropriate and why words came be very hurtful but also talk to the brother about being more careful and respecting his sisters space.
Siblings fight, it's natural it shouldn't be taken so seriously.

This is actually so so sad, the language is very telling.

So op has admitted she spends more time and energy in poor little one ds, and claims dd is banging on and insisting when she opens her mouth to talk to her mother about her passion/hobby.

Op you dont spend enough time or energy on your daughter and complain about her speaking for gods sake.

You also seem disproportionately angry about the way she looked at ds like she hated him. In that moment she probably did. Are you genuinely that blindsided with anger that your daughter doesn't share the feelings for your son that you do?!
Because if looks could kill my whole family would be dead a million times over as would i.

That sounds like a terrible system; one that punishes the victim for their reaction.

Exactly, so a family member could be destructive of personal property, aggressive, rude, violent towards them and you're telling your child they have to accept this and not react negatively because 'it's the family way'...?
Like op it's more important the instigator of violence/damage isn't challenged or wrong doing addressed than the wellbeing of others?

??

There is alot of projection on this thread.

No way should you cancel it. It's not some fun frivolous playdate, it was loads of hard work and effort in a competitive environment.

It's unfortunate what happened but I can't blame her for snapping at him. You did the same to her and overreacted.

Just make them apologise to eachother.

I don't see why she needs " a punishment" You seem to be forgetting that she's a child too. A child calling another child only 3 years younger than her a name who age 8 really should be more careful with his drinks if he doesn't want them all in tippy cups. If she'd shouted at a 4 year old fine but he's 8. If he can't be trusted with drinks then he only gets them at meal times. You sound to be indulging "the baby" and blaming the older sib forgetting she's a child too

It's a natural reaction if something you have been focused on ruined. You completely over reacted. people who are not a toddler's mother do not find this kind of incident adorable .You need to back down as gracefully as possible .I've just checked, he's 8 ,he should have been more careful -and you should not favour him so much, it is really unfair .

It’s so clear from your post that you favour your son and resent your daughter, I feel sorry for her

Competition depends on a genuine apology and an effort towards amends.

But if she said sorry properly I'd let her go after a discussion about kindness

Let her go to the competition. Her nerves are obviously strung tight. Preventing her from going will not improve things with her brother or you.

Whats DSs punishment?

Dd needs to apologise and understand she's responsible for her reactions regardless of her feelings. What she said was nasty and it isnt cool to be mean on purpose because someone hurt you accidnetly. But DS was careless and inconsiderate

How did the competition go?