To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

I feel sorry for your DD..She's entitled to be upset that her top was ruined. Her brother sounds like hard work for her.

Yes exactly. OP wrote
Its just one of those days when everything builds up and I lost my patience.
So its OK for her as an adult to lose it and say and do something inappropriate and cruel, but not for DD to do similar, and she is the child. What double standards you apply, OP. Can you not see the hypocrisy in this?
And as for apologies, what does she have to apologise to YOU for? You need to apologise to her and so does gc DS. I only hope you have not ruined this exciting dance event for her.

This is treating mother and DD as though they are equivalent in emotional development stage. DD is a child, and the mother an adult who should be the one responsible for loss of regulation, not the other way round. It seems from OPs post that it is alright for her to lose it, she is excusing herself, but with DD she is not willing to be understanding, and in fact gives out harsh punishment and ignores DDs actual feelings. Extreme double standard between her own behaviour and DD's.

I hope you apologised to your daughter, OP, and supported her in going to her dance competition. Her healthy outlet in her life.

She's entitled to her feelings about her brother, especially if he's taking a lot of your time and energy and getting a pass on how it affects her ... which it sounds like from that snippet.

Will find another punishment that actually makes sense and doesn’t hurt something she’s worked for

WTF?
Poor kid, you really are determined to pile it on aren’t you?
Of course she’s upset her costume has orange juice spilt on it - why was your DS anywhere near it with a drink?
Of course she’s upset her lost it, I bet you would have done so too in that situation.
There’s absolutely no need to think up another punishment (that actually makes me feel a bit sick because it’s exactly what my vindictive mother would have done - she ruined my childhood)

Will find another punishment that actually makes sense and doesn’t hurt something she’s worked for.

What's the punishment for your 8 year old for messing up her top? An appropriate one would be no drinks except water for a week to make sure he is more careful with juice in the future?

I'm afraid you remind me of my mother - every time my brother did something to annoy me she'd end up with me in the wrong no matter what - he even got away with shoving a frog down the back of my shirt as it was my fault he knew I'd react that way (he was 10 at the time and I was 12 btw). I am pretty well totally NC with him and have been for years and all the begging in the world from my mother won't make this change. Think about why your daughter seems to hate her brother and what you want your daughter to do when she's old enough to make her own decisions.

I think your second response is much more balanced. This dance competition is a huge deal to your daughter and if you stop her going it could cause her real anguish that she’ll remember for years and it won’t make for a happy home.

You do need to work on the sibling relationship and what words are not acceptable to use - but not through harsh punishment. Your DD obviously resents your DS. That doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to speak as she did but you want to get to the root cause - she’s just a child too.

I do agree with others that 8-years old is too old to be spilling juice “by accident” over precious things. Your son is old enough to know how to take care - it would be different if he was 3 or 4 years old.

Id let the dance competition pass and then work with your children on reinstating mutual kindness and respect. But I’d speak with them both in the meantime and let them offload their feelings.

the Op is not back....I hope she is having a good think and that the comp went well

I hope your daughter's competition went well and she had a brilliant time.

Bloody hell, OP - no need to try to guess the scapegoat in your family, is there? Dont forget to take her to stately homes... Poor girl.

Yikes, I was an eldest daughter and I feel awful for this child. Obviously there’s only so much one can tell from a brief post but from the details you’ve given you really need to have a hard look at things from her perspective and ask yourself whether you are treating her fairly. Once people have a second child the eldest (especially if they are female!) is often expected to grow up, behave, help out, and never cause trouble by acting like a child. She’s only 11 and she’s a child in her own right. It’s really not fair just to expect her to cope effortlessly with anything life (and her brother) throws at her. She needs you, your attention, your support, and your understanding as much as he does — and this is her way of showing you that.

Honestly, I’d caution you to take an hour or so and really read these replies - take them on board and interrogate yourself and your relationship with your daughter. You have an opportunity here to learn and your reply seems dismissive and doesn’t mention your apology to her, it really reads that you favour your son and this is a terrible environment for (especially) a young girl to endure. I’m late 40s and similar treatment has led to a life of terrible self confidence and endless issues that are still being resolved in therapy.
Please for your daughters sake do some self reflection 🙏

While I agree she needs to apologise for her outburst, your son needs to apologise to her for being clumsy and spilling juice, was it deliberate as she was getting attention?

Feel sorry for your DD, it sounds from your post that your son is clearly your favourite child

It sounds like your son is your favourite DC and you ar punishing you DD because she made a mean comment about him. Did her comment hit a nerve, is he always doing stuff like that? If you don't let her enter competition she has been practicing for weeks she'll never forgive you and blame her brother.

It sounds to me like you're looking for an excuse not to go to the dance competition. Just by the way you've described your daughter "banging on about it", sounds like you don't want to go and this is the excuse for YOU not to attend. She HAS to go, she's trained hard for it. Punish her in some other way that doesn't affect her education and interests.

I'm a believer that if you say something you've got to go through with it. It might be a bit OTT but you know better than us. However unless I can think of a reason why I could change the circumstances without been seen to back down I'd stick to my guns. In the longer run it may be worth the lesson.

As other posters have said, you're asking your DD to have the emotional regulation which you, yourself, do not. Hopefully you didn't cancel her competition. Like other posters - you do sound like your son is your favourite.

So the daughters actions are to have the consequence of being embarrassed, ridiculed and have her hard work ruined by not attending a competition but the sons careless action of potentially ruining a top is...... Nothing?!

So you are fine with your son being ”difficult”, but your daughter should behave all the time or she will be called nasty by you?

No no,

it is important for her therefore it is important to you however she will need to mend with her brother…
‘she really wanted that top and it got ruined, she reacted strongly but then she is 11…Said brother was in tears knowing she loved it. I am thinking everyone reacted accordingly their script.

let her go, tell her she can’t speak like that to…anyone…and she has to repair the damage to said relationship if there is still animosity. Don’t keep it hot just because you are fuming though…

Sorry. Hate mum shaming. But this is your fault. How hard is it to keep it on a higher shelf

I think there’s more to this.

we have a large age gap between our two. At 14 and 8 they were hard to manage. 13 and (coming) 18 now.

8 year old was always winding up brother. Like always. Couldn’t leave him alone, went out of her way to annoy him. So when accidental things (like this) happened, he flipped out and was really really horrible. Both were dealt with accordingly.

yes they are siblings and yes it will all work out in the end, but there’s plenty more to come.

I don’t think what she said was particularly nice, but I don’t think it warrants taking away something this important. I thought it was going to be much worse.

I would be allowing her to do it, but then do something.m for her brother in the way of an apology (clean his room? Maybe?)

but anyway, I would be having a firm word with BOTH of them about their behaviours. The younger one just needs to leave her alone full stop. The older one needs to leave him alone full stop. You as parents need to meditate and ensure that nothing gets misconstrued. (We at one point wouldn’t leave them alone together as it was he said/she said 🙄)

Did you let your DD go to the dance competition, OP? I do hope you did.

Let her go.