To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

You and your son need to apologise to your daughter. It sounds like she was stressed and her brother ruining her top was the last straw, especially if she is given far less attention than her brother who annoys her. He’s not a toddler or a ‘little one’ so he needs to be held accountable for his actions. Don’t punish your daughter.

He has SEN and unless you parent children on the spectrum, you may not know how much extra support they need. It's got nothing to do with being a golden child.
Sadly its not uncommon the other child/children in the family dont often get the attention thye need. It's heartbreaking and I thin many parents dont realise this- or cant do anything about it.

But then it's a vicious circle, because that child does genuinely need more support and attention.
If the mum here does not realise her daughter is 11 not 31 and she needs to find a way to protect her son but not at the cost of the daughter, the relationships between them will break.

^^THIS 100%

Very best of luck to your daughter for today! Give her a big hug and tell her that the most important thing is that she has fun.

Looks like the relationship is already broken given ops outcome is somehow she will still punish the daughter and make her apologise to the brother and HER!

Honestly don't understand how some parents actually seem to go by 'well I'm going to treat you completely differently, quite shitly in fact, but hey, as long as your siblings need are prioritised that's all that matters ok!?'

Yes.
And the daughter does not need punishment. She needs an apology for your overreaction. Which was FAR worse than her reaction to her brother. And you're the adult.

Please don’t punish her. If you punish her for things like this, it will cause resentment and won’t help the relationship between the two siblings. It could deepen the animosity.
Help them to develop a relationship over the years ahead, foster more patience and understanding and more importantly, more fun times.

It's stressful, mostly for daughter, and she and you have put so much effort in.
You can not have her punished for expressing anger at juice being spilt all over her costume. The words she used were not nice but she is young.
Learn for next time.
Food and drink stays in kitchen.
Set aside a part of the house for the costume, where little siblings can not spoil older kid's delicate costumes.
Get real. Have Dad take little siblings for set swathes of time while you and DD complete the costume making.
You need to protect your DD's preparation space if you are going to encourage her in dance.
There will be equally special activities for the young brother which you should be able to dedicate time and space for in future.
Learn to respect each other's special efforts, talents,
competitions etc so you can support children successful in their skills.
Ask little brother to say sorry and his sister to accept the apology.
Move on, de-escalate and become better at parenting young artists if you let them learn performance activities.
There will be Artist's Temperament (intense) in your home from time to time.

Glad you’ve changed your mind! I think she’s had enough punishment knowing you got this close to cancelling - just move on, tell her it was a mean thing to say but let’s forget about it now and just have a good day today! Let her enjoy what she’s worked hard for.

@Blondra I know I probably went too far…
Maybe your daughter realises that too? Her reaction & your reaction are honestly screaming to me - the apple never falls far from the tree.
Clearly she’s stressed & excited about the comp. Her reaction was exactly that - as was yours. Does she need to do better? Absolutely. But is cancelling her dance comp because she got mad when her brother ruined her top the answer? Nope.
I’d ask her to reflect, I’d be vulnerable and tell her you reacted badly too. I’d apologise, I’d tell her you’re not cancelling dance comp but you do expect her to make it up to her brother by doing something kind and fun with him to show everyone that she didn’t mean it.

You speak about your poor DD as if she and her dance competition are a mere annoyance. The poor little prince who spilt his juice and ruined her costume certainly sounds like the golden child.

Your update is interesting because you acknowledge you over reacted. This is exactly the same as what your DD has done. Looks like a good starting point for a chat…

Well done for seeing you over reacted!

A thought - how involved is your partner with your children? Is it mostly left to you?

Take time to check in on yourself. Are you ok? Are you getting the support you need?

This American article on the 'glass child' is worth a read. Be careful you aren't going down that route:

health.clevelandclinic.org/glass-child

I would not punish her at all tbh. She was venting under what was probably a hugely emotional time for her. Poor kid. They all need a hug here not an irate mother.

@Blondra I realise how stressed you were in the moment. But you’re right to accept that telling your DD she couldn’t compete in her sport was way OTT.

Sadly, even if you now apologise and say she can go, I expect she won’t be in the best shape to compete. I expect she won’t have had a good sleep if she went to bed in tears having been told she won’t be going to something she’s looked forward to, worked towards and is very important to her. She must have found your actions very cruel.

As parents we all wing it every day. But it’s important to have empathy and try to calm sibling squabbles rather than appear to take sides. From your DD’s perspective, she’s been working towards something important to her, which her family should be proud of. Her brother’s carelessness then ruined her outfit. Then you compounded what’d happened by saying she couldn’t go. Instead of recognising your DS’s carelessness, and the upset that caused your DD, you’ve focused on her reaction. And threatened to remove something you should be proud of her for.

Tell your DD the truth this morning. You should have understood how upset she was. You know how much the competition means to her. You’re very proud of her, really want her to go, enjoy it and do her best. You should never have said she couldn’t go. However, she shouldn’t have called her brother names or reacted with such spite. When people cause us problems, we have to learn to take a deep breath and take ourselves off to cool down, rather than lash out and say nasty things. That’s what she should have done. And that’s what you should have done. So, it’s something you can work on together.

As for your DS, he needs to recognise you don’t have drinks near important items, as there’s always a chance of accidents and damage. He should apologise to his sister for having the drink near her top and be rooting for her today.

Your language even describing the dance competition is so demeaning to her. Poor girl.

I wouldn't cancel, she sounds very very stressed and obviously wants to do well, her reaction is really quite normal

Bloody hell OP!! Could you be any more dismissive?? Re-read your words:

I probably went too far
just been one of those days
how nasty she was
the way she looked at him and said it, like she hated him
“not easy”
he can be full on
I think she resents
I’ve probably let too much slide
would probably just make her feel worse and not actually teach her anything
make sure she gets how hurtful that was
she needs to apologise properly to both of us
Will find another punishment

YOU SIMPLY DON'T GET IT!! You're causing your DD harm. Wake up!

She needs to apologise to her brother. End of. If she does and she means it then she can go. If she doesn't then no follow through with the punishment.

I think we all know what it was like when puberty and the glut of hormones start to kick in. I was pretty harsh during that phase of my life tbh....

You don't need to punish her. Talk to her about what happened and why. Really listen and once she feels understood decide together how she can make it up to him. If she's not ready for the conversation wait until she is.

And OP and the golden son both need to apologise to HER.

@Blondra she had every right to be upset . Why was orange juice near her outfit .
She is allowed to have feelings

You have gone to far . Can you not see how important this is to her. ?

Ona side note your post screams favouritism .

No punishment required unless he is ‘punished’ for spoiling the top.

i always see boys being treated better than girls in families s d it boils my piss. It causes huge resentment and they will never forget.

winging it is fine. Pick your battles. Siblings are allowed to fall out and will
sometimes’hate’ each other. Sometimes they need to sort things out themselves too.

Cut your DD some slack. She's 11 which is a tough age for girls. Our hormones are changing and the pre pubescent years aren't a picnic. If you want her to apologise to your DS and have patience with him, start by apologising to her for upsetting her. Her feelings are valid too and you say yourself your DS is 'not easy'. Her life is impacted by this too.
Plus my younger DB and I fought like cat and dog as kids, my mum never over reacted and just saw it as what siblings sometimes do and now we are super close as adults.

OP, perhaps you could come back and give us an update on what you've said to her?