To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

My mother's late partner did things that she would tell us about ... Pause ... 'bless him ...'

Usually some thoughtless or otherwise upsetting thing, yet she was besotted.

Your 'bless him' really put me in mind of that; I think it has odd connotations for me.

And yes I also first thought you were talking about a toddler. 'Little one' suggests you've infantilised him and will be excusing him everything.

She's on the verge of adolescence. And you also failed to realise she was both excited and very nervous about the comp (they're the same thing really), plus the disappointment over the spoilt top, your favouritism, and your own behaviour example means a tsunami of hard to deal with emotion. You have lot of catching up to do, realising you have two children who need you.

I don't think she needs a punishment. He sounds as if he is quite spoiled and the golden child.

My daughter is only 3 and is dancing already, I wouldn’t personally ever use her dancing as a punishment not ever. I want her to succeed and enjoy it at every moment and not have it threatened to take it away from in any circumstance. It’s not like you’ve stopped her from going on a certain day out or took her phone for a day. This is totally different and I agree with your partner

I think your daughter needs an apology from you not a punishment , she’s lost it because her brother has potentially ruined her outfit , at 11 that is quite normal behaviour . You instantly jump to a punishment for her but nothing for the brother who caused the issue . Some siblings don’t get on , punishing them won’t change that , you just have to hope that at some point in the future things change for the better .

You’re going to have a very hard life if you think siblings are always nice to each other.

You were incredibly cruel to your daughter. I can't believe you said this to her the evening before a competition. My daughter competes a lot and it's so important that they are in the right frame of mind the night before a competition. You may well have ruined it for her now.

Your reaction towards her was out of order. Your attitude towards her dancing competition is also poor.

She is clearly sick and tired of her brother ruining her things and at 8 years old, he should know better, regardless of awaiting a diagnosis.

Your post really comes across like you have disdain for your daughter but the sun shines out of golden boy's backside.

What you did was unforgivable and I cannot believe you are still talking about punishing her!! Why don't you punish your son who split juice on her competition outfit?

If you don't sort out your attitude towards your daughter, you'll lose her.

This . You should have told the brother off for being careless with his drink .

This .
OP you don’t seemed to have grasped the issues at all .

YABU. The punishment is too severe for the crime.

How did the brother manage to spill the juice on the top? I mean, he didn’t spill it in her wardrobe or dance bag right? So clearly the top was left somewhere where he was able to do that. Guessing it was you still glueing gems onto it, who had left it out.

For those saying that the son is the favourite, the golden child etc - not necessarily, I don’t think. It’s just that OP knows the whole situation is her own fault and she doesn’t want to own up to that.

No I’d cancel the competition and be consistent! If you don’t follow through then she’ll think that all she has to do is kick off enough and you’ll cave in!

yikes

I really think you went to far here.
She's a child. Of course she was upset her top was ruined. Why are you saying 'bless' about your other child and yet you can't see your daughter couldn't help her reaction any more than your son could help knocking over the juice. In an ideal world he'd be more careful and she'd be calmer. But they are kids.
Both things should have been dealt with then and there "don't talk to your brother like that!" And then getting her to apologise to him when she'd calmed down.
You dont sound like you like your daughter much tbh.

You are going to have a lot of problems with your daughter if you carry on like this. As she gets older, she will likely spend less time with you and you will be left to look after your ‘little one’ by yourself. You are the one who needs to apologise and change your ways. You have ruined her excitement about the dance competition. I’m not surprised she is fed up of her brother. You have dealt with this really badly.

YABU.

Why would you cancel a competition for this, you sound cruel. What consequence did DS have for ruining her costume?

You couldn’t be bothered with her hobby could you? it seems too much effort for you so cancelling it altogether would suit you better. Let me guess, DS has hobbies that don’t require your input or much effort, gaming or football?

I recommend reading the whole brain child and how to talk so kids will listen to improve communication all round.

It’s really cruel to cancel a competition she has been working hard on because of this.

Yes the “little one” is definitely the favourite

Please don’t punish her further
the threat of having her dance competition cancelled was enough
dont go over the top with the apology and make sure your son also sincerely apologises.
this would be a good time to sit down and recognise how hard it is for her to be an older sibling to a difficult younger one and acknowledge her frustrations.

you sound very irritated about her dance competition “banging on” and the fact you’ve had to make her a costume. Are you showing up for and supporting your daughter in the same way you support your son? Why aren’t you excited for her for the competition?

Bloody hell OP, your poor DD!!. You've hinted at ongoing behavioural difficulties with your DS, but there’s been no evident recognition of the cumulative impact this may have had on your DD, like there's an implicit expectation that she should behave impeccably simply because she isn’t seen as having issues herself. That can leave her feeling unseen, emotionally overlooked, and dismissed.

She’s in the early stages of adolescence alongside the pressures of the dance world, both of which carry their own demands. Her response over the OJ, which you think warrants severe punishment, is completely proportionate when considered in the context of her developmental stage, her likely emotional load over time, and the immediate situation. Your response however, is neglectful of her emotional needs, harsh and cruel.

You might want to look into the concept of the “glass child”, those who grow up alongside a sibling with higher needs and whose own experiences often go unacknowledged. Your DD needs a space where she can process what it's been like living in that dynamic. And she needs to be related to as a child in her own right, not just the one who copes. If that doesn’t shift, the risk is that she will disengage, emotionally and relationally.

And it sounds like you might need professional support also.

Harsh replies here OP acknowledges that she overreacted and daughter will go to competition.

But still faces a punishment and need to apologise to her brother (which I think is right/fair) and her mother. With no suggestion that either her brother or her mother will apologise to her.

The harsh replies are deserved.

Your poor dd, her outfit was ruined, and he is always ‘full on’ and you are constantly minimising his behaviour op. No doubt she is feeling frustrated, anyone would be upset.

The word triggered you because of your concerns for him re assessments/ diagnosis but it’s a pretty standard word to use at her age. It just hit a nerve because you are so worried for him, you have definitely overreacted.

Taking away the competition is cruel, and will further divide your children. You need to be balancing your time better op. You said yourself he is taking up so much time and energy, it’s going to come across as favouritism.

Rididculos answer. That is a child who got excited over something she loves. Saying she is frightening her brother, there is only a 3 years difference between them. He should undestand to respect other people posessions especially if they are super important for them.

OP you don't sound very supportive of your daughter sorry to tell you but you use very negative language towards her and her reaction and very positive towards your son. It makes me wonder if she is not reacting to the way she is treated like her feelings matter less then those of her brother's. She worked hard for something she loves and got excited about, and don't take this away from her. Don't be the kind of parent who cuts her nose to spite her face. Have some perspective and put yourself in her shoes. If someone would shit on something I worked hard on, I would be using much stronger words than your daughter, but I probably would regret it later. There is a time and a place, this is not it. Choose another, maybe after the event when the spirits calmed down. Meanwhile, put your son down and explain to him how important was the event for his sister and put your daughter down and explain to her accidents happen and she shouldn't use words that she might regret using, teach her the meaning of words and how can they hurt someone.

Here is well you seem to put all blame on her. Will you get your son to apologise to his sister for ruining her top? Where is his accountability in all this? You need to be impartial if you want 2 well adjusted children, otherwise you will feel the effects of favouritisms. And from your posts it sounds like you do favour your youngest