To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

I got the same impression. OP is very scornful of DD in this post, but DS can do no wrong. She speaks about DD in the most derisive tone, and then is surprised when DD mimics this in her attitude to her brother.

yes I've sewn sequins on....easier to buy then ready stitched into a ribbon. I think what is being discussed here are these
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hotfix-Applicator-Tool-Iron-Rhinestone/dp/B07CK16FMC/ref=asc_df_B07CK16FMC?mcid=43cb5bf5c9af34a5ba7ba72e498e545b&hvocijid=2373120757245983900-B07CK16FMC-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2373120757245983900&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007024&hvtargid=pla-2281435177378&gad_source=1&th=1

or these https://www.amazon.co.uk/Canvalite-Rhinestones-rhinestone-Tweezers-Rhinestone/dp/B0DFQ6MS11/ref=sxin_15_pa_sp_search_thematic_sspa?content-id=amzn1.sym.82fd8c43-dd4d-4c5d-9db0-df7088ba15db%3Aamzn1.sym.82fd8c43-dd4d-4c5d-9db0-df7088ba15db&crid=JAVY7QX6OP3F&cv_ct_cx=cold%2Bfix%2Brhinestones&keywords=cold%2Bfix%2Brhinestones&pd_rd_i=B0DFQ6MS11&pd_rd_r=6a507c39-f972-4d92-9249-2c81c134996c&pd_rd_w=h1ISz&pd_rd_wg=yAqRt&pf_rd_p=82fd8c43-dd4d-4c5d-9db0-df7088ba15db&pf_rd_r=DS0K9TEGR5K23M2CF6YP&qid=1748122903&sbo=RZvfv%2F%2FHxDF%2BO5021pAnSA%3D%3D&sprefix=cold%2Bfix%2Brhinestones%2Caps%2C84&sr=1-3-ad3222ed-9545-4dc8-8dd8-6b2cb5278509-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9zZWFyY2hfdGhlbWF0aWM&th=1

Its the wrong punishment for literally 1 reason - she will ALWAYS blame her brother for missing out on the competition, if he had not dropped the drink on the top she would not have been mean and then punished.

She needs to go to the competition and then have some other thing to make up to her brother. Seriously. You'll be doing him more damage than you can imagine if you follow through with this one.

I don’t think you need to punish her at all, it sounds like you totally favour your son. My mother was like this I was so glad to get away from her when I was 17

My DH was the golden child. If hearing from people formerly in your daughter's position doesn't help, I just want to really promise that you do the golden child no favours either.

Little brothers do ruin stuff. Mine both did all the fucking time, they were the bane of my life at that age and I’m sure I called them much worse than freaks. Obviously it’s not ideal but your punishment sounds OTT to me.

Is this a case of "My son can do no wrong"? My son my son my son etc etc. Too many daft women still think like that. They always forget that they are themselves somebody's daughter.

Can you not just de-escalate and soothe your kids, sort the mess then call them back when everyone has calmed down for a calm discussion about being careful and speaking to each other with respect? Because respect for each other (and each others belongings) is clearly what's lacking here.

Sounds like you have a favourite tbh

Poor dd! Before one of dd's A levels she freaked out and said she hoped I hadn't poisoned her with undercooked chicken or I'd ruin her life. Have never undercooked chicken - she was just stressed. Didn't even rise to it.

We all say stuff. DS was clumsy and spoilt something very important to dd. I kind of think it's your fault for letting there be a drink next to the importnt outfit when ds is very lively. Sort it like a grown up and get on with it.

Good luck to your dd in her competition.

You know, she probably does hate him at times - and that’s perfectly understandable. He takes most of your time and energy. She probably feels all alone, and that he demands and gets what he wants while she has to do it herself. Threatening no dance performance reinforces that she is the non-preferred child. He is not ‘little one’. He is eight, she is only a max of 3 years older. She didn’t cause this overall situation, but she’s heavily impacted. Try and stand back and see it from her point of view.

I had a sibling who was quite sly and kept on doing shitty things to get another sibling into trouble. Occasionally, you’d catch sibling 1 smirking as no 2 got into trouble. And parents never worked it out. Could anything like be happening?

I agree children should be taught not to hurt the feelings of others. DD should be taught that's not okay. But your focus on punishing her and making her apologise misses the other side of it. Which is that she is an 11 year old child. You're getting upset at how she could say her brother ruins everything and how she could look at him like she hates him, but you don't seem to care as much about what's causing those feelings in her. And you should.

If you're going to make her apologise to you, then she deserves a conversation in return. One where you sit her down and tell her you know it's not fair her brother gets more of your time and energy. You know he gets away with more. You know it's hard for her. And you know all of that hurts her feelings. Don't belittle her the way you did in your OP, and don't make excuses, or imply she has to put up with it all because DS may have a behaviour disorder. Just tell her "I know this is hard on you, and I'm sorry".

If she feels consistently respected and listened to by you, her resentment at her brother will fade.

I have a 12 year old boy who can give me attitude and I’m not condoning what she said to her brother but she’s a child too, her brain isn’t fully developed and she’s emotional. The top means a lot to her. She should apologise for her words and her brother should apologise for ruining her top and that’s the end of it. I’ve seen your update that you are going to let her do the comp, I would too x

I’ll speak to her properly, make sure she gets how hurtful that was and that she needs to apologise properly to both of us.

And that right there is why - even if you let her go to the competition, she will still resent him. And you. HE spilt the drink, where's his proper apology to her? YOU overreacted, where's your proper apology to her?

Look at yourself for goodness sake, and stop babying the golden boy who can do no wrong. Little one indeed!

I'm an older sister of a brother who was constantly pandered to. It did him zero favours in the long run.

The way you speak about each of them is extremely telling. I wouldn’t call an 8yr old ‘little one.’ She is also only 11. You make all these excuses for him but don’t give her any grace for being upset he ruined her top. Why was he next to it with juice?!

And yes did he actually apologise ffs!

OP you sound like a lovely caring mum, I hope you get it sorted and tomorrow goes well

This. Goodness everyone needs to calm down..to be fair her reaction was ott and then you did the same. You need to model the calm behaviour you want to see. Of course you don't cancel the dance competition.

Seriously, as well, you don't need an apology off her!

Eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks

So you dismiss the single most important thing currently in her life as something she's been 'banging on about'

Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top

You resent giving her help and support to make the one thing that matters for it.

Little one ... was already in tears, bless him,

Meanwhile your language about your son is all sweetness and light

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking

And where exactly do you think she got her over dramatic explosive reactions from? They do learn from example.

I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no

What does that actually mean, 'he's not easy?' Does he make a habit of ruining her things and getting mummy on his side?

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Yes

Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months? Yes

Time for everyone to apologise and calm down and do something nice together.

This!

Plus given your update, I hope you’re also making her brother apologise for spilling juice on her top. It’s not all on her!

She probably feels like she's just winging it most days too. How about a bit of compassion.

He did ruin her top,.however accidentally.

A quite word about inappropriate name calling would have been enough.

If you are allowed to lose your temper and snap that the competition is cancelled then why can't she lose her temper when her top is ruined.

You need to be the adult in the room

You are over reacting. Of course she's upset if she has a big competition coming up and the outfit that she is so invested in is ruined. She's a young teenager. Her hormones are probably all over the shop. Her emotions are probably running high with nerves and excitement about the competition. She's had a moment and expressed her anger. Has her brother said sorry for the accident? What's he doing with orange juice near a top that clearly has importance to her, and that you have clearly spent a lot of time on.

Just adding - why are you looking to punish her? She's rightly upset. She didn't express it in the best way but her emotions are valid. You are not going to help them improve their relationship by handing out punishments. Sounds like both need a little more empathy with the other.

You don't need to 'punish' her. I think she has been through enough today, already!
Calling her little brother a freak isn't okay, but she snapped in the moment, as most humans do.
As you say, you've been caught up with your 8 year old recently and she's bearing the brunt of this.
All it really needs is a hug and a 'please do NOT speak to your little brother like that', then actually SHE needs your attention and support for her all important (to her) dance competition.
You're not being fair to her.