To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

With kindness OP, if you think the root of this is more to do with your relationship with your daughter, perhaps start there? Can you build in dedicated time to spend one on one with her each week?

Also, if you think up cruel, Draconian and completely over the top punishments for tiny matters, what on earth are you going to dream up when they actually behave badly?

This, and on the back of ops She’s been quite snappy with him recently and I’ve probably let too much slide.

I'm assuming she is fully placing all the blame on an 11yo, and not meaning letting the 8yos behaviour continue unchecked which has been upsetting the 11yo?

I have quite serious concerns about OP's whole attitude to parenting. When this incident occurred, her first reaction was to impose "punishment". Even after being pulled up about fairness and proportionality by mumsnetters, her second post was still about meting out some future "punishment". You needed to reconsider your approach as a parent OP, and not only to do with your obvious favouritism. What about understanding and supportiveness?

Yep, this. Also, referring to him as a “little one” he’s 8, not 2!!

YABU

How did he knock the juice over?

Tbh my first reaction would have been to say something to the 8 yr old through gritted teeth about being more careful

She doesn't need a punishment. She needs time to cool down and apologised to her brother tomorrow, just the same as her brother needs to apologise for spilling juice on her new top

Punishments will breed resentment.

Well ott dance comps are stressful for everyone and nerves are real.

We are all winging it. Don't beat yourself up. It's fuckign hard!

Take care OP

Winging it or not this snacks of your daughter being pushed away for the sake of her siblings needs. At 11 as well, kids are under immense pressure at school, with their peers, finding this way in life. If she then comes home to the pressure of tippy toeing around others in the family then you've got a whole heap of future issues for your going girl. I feel so sorry for her

This is a really good point. OP, did you say ANYTHING to your son? I wonder if your poor daughter’s reaction was down to the perceived injustice of him not being scolded for being careless, therefore ruining something that was really important to her? Just a thought.

not the point of the thread, put why can't an 11 year old stick her own sequins on?

Hindsight is 20/20, as they say, but for future reference - I think the main priority here once the accident happened should have been moving the shirt out of harm's way and immediately treating the stain so it didn't set. Once she saw the top wasn't ruined, she'd have calmed down and it would be a good opening to remind her that it's best to stay calm and look for a practical solution and that while it's natural to be upset, it's not OK to verbally attack her brother. How exactly you handle that, and whether or not there's a punishment for your daughter would depend on whether you think the spill was a genuine accident, whether you feel your son should have been more careful (in which case, you also need to have a talk with him) and/or whether he has special needs (in which case the "freak" language may need addressed).

Also - Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have comes across a little bit unfair to your daughter. WAS this type of top required for the performance? Next time if it's not, and you don't have the time to make or ability to buy/borrow a special top when. plainer one will do, explain that up front and offer her options (could she learn to sew it herself, for example?) rather than caving in and resenting her.

Agree.

It sounds like his behaviour is an ongoing thing and she is frustrated and upset about it.

Do not cancel the competition, though I fear she may be too upset to go.

i think she needs your compassion and understanding. Why not start by acknowledging how upset she must be? That you’re sorry you lost your temper and help her clean it up in time for the competition.

Once she has calmed down, gently tell her that you understand how annoying younger brothers can be, but shouting insults isn’t the best way to solve problems.

This. I can't understand why you were so angry with her and why you still think she needs 'punishment'. Be on her side, OP.

I’m sure she could, but maybe her mum was actually trying to help her for once? Ok, maybe not!
Or maybe she thought she wouldn’t do it properly. I think we have all noticed that mum’s patience is a little thin. Also sequins are tiny and fiddly to deal with.

OP, are you going to tell us how your daughter got on at the competition? (As long as your daughter is aware, and is happy that you do).
If not, no need to explain. Just don’t answer!
Hope she did ok and that you praised or commiserated as required?

Let today be a new start for both of you. I know from experience that the relationship between mothers and daughters can be great! Work on it!

@Blondra just saw your update about DS probably having SEN.

as the mother of an ADHD/ autistic child, I can be driven to distraction by their behaviour and I’m an adult. It takes all my self control not to lose it sometimes. I’d cut her some slack.

id also say you need to spend some time talking to your daughter - I know a few friends who were your DD in this scenario. They’ve grown up with a lot of resentment about their childhood and how everything revolved around a sibling with a disability. I’m guessing she was able to bond with you over the planning of this dance competition.

she needs more of your time and positive attention- not punishment.

I know how hard it is, OP and we all slip up. A heartfelt apology to your daughter will actually show her how to behave when she gets it wrong

I think they were gems not sequins. You either stick them on with gem glue which is a bit of a fiddley nightmare to use and has fumes, or use hot fix ones which need a hot, by which I mean fucking hot, fix tool or you buy a ready made design on a backing and iron it on but these pretty much have to be for a flat area. Either way its a one chance to get it right process and given the nearness of the comp, I can see why a Mum would do it and also why its stress inducing if its not something you do often. No I am not a Mum with a dance child, I use them in crafting.

This sounds like such an unhappy household.
Half term is going to be fun!

Godmum56.
Thanks for that info. Years ago I was a crafter, but not of sequins, so not really familiar with them nowadays. When I was young, my Welsh, very crafty grandmother was putting sequins on a party dress for me (bless her) and she showed me how to sew them on. They had a tiny hole in the middle and you sewed from the hole to the edge of the sequin, then under the sequin and up the hole. Tedious job and if I’d had glue, I would have been delighted!

I think it’s probably a step too far on your part. I used to get irritated when my brother did similar things, you say stuff in the heat of the moment, and trust me I said way worse to my brother with a similar age gap to your dc. My brother got away with murder so I understand how your dd must be feeling.

But your daughter must have been practising for weeks if not months for this competition? I probably would’ve called my younger brother a lot worse if he had of spilt juice all over my competition outfit which sounds like involved a lot of time and effort creating!
When she’s calm, an apology should be expected but I think you’re majorly overreacting and being cruel. For the record my 11 year old DD suffers anxiety and is going through puberty so her hormones and moods are wild at the moment. I have to take a deep breath a lot but try to discipline her accordingly as I know she’s struggling.