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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

669 replies

Blondra · 24/05/2025 18:12

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

OP posts:
HerNeighbourTotoro · 24/05/2025 20:43

Blondra · 24/05/2025 19:12

Thanks everyone, appreciate the replies.

I know I probably went too far, it’s just been one of those days where everything builds up and I lost my patience. She has worked hard and I know how much it means to her, I just really struggled with how nasty she was in that moment. It wasn’t just the top, it was the way she looked at him and said it, like she hated him.

By “not easy” I mean he can be full on. He’s got some stuff going on, we’re waiting on assessments, and he does get a lot of my time/energy which I think she resents. She’s been quite snappy with him recently and I’ve probably let too much slide.

You’re all right though — taking away the comp would probably just make her feel worse and not actually teach her anything. I’ll speak to her properly, make sure she gets how hurtful that was and that she needs to apologise properly to both of us.

Will find another punishment that actually makes sense and doesn’t hurt something she’s worked for.

Honestly feel like I’m winging it most days, but thanks again.

I saw an amazing play a while ago. It dealt with a man whose siblings hated him. As the play unravelled, it was more and more obvious he had special needs, and his sibling grew bitter and hateful of him as the whole childhood everything around the house was adjusted to his needs and they missed out on a lot of things, going out, doing activities. The parents never realised how big of an impact it had on the older children, they sort of just assumed the kids understood their brother needed time and space.

I wonder if this is not the sort of dynamics that exists in the family. You have an older daughter whose needs are set aside because of a younger brother who needs more focus and attention, and while you pamper him and protect because he needs more of that attention, you forget that the 11yo is also a child and also needs your attention too, and you punish her for not bending over backwards to look after the brother while this is YOUR job, and your job is also to look after her and her needs.

Maybe in a way she does hate him, but you punishing her will only make her more bitter, distant, and what she said and the way she said it shows there is already a lot of resentment boiling under the surface. If your only way out is to punish her for your failure, then I can see a disfunctional family in the cards in the future.

EzioAuditoredaFirenze · 24/05/2025 20:44

YABU - It's sibling shit. Ask her, calmly, to apologise when she's calmed down.

It seems like you have a favourite and it's not your daughter.

HuffleMyPuffle · 24/05/2025 20:47

Only read OP's posts but things stand out to me:

You don't sound supportive of her dancing. Competitions are a big thing and the costumes are a huge part of that but you clearly resent helping your 11 year old daughter prepare. She's excited but it clearly irritates you.

Your DS is the golden child. You minimise his behaviour, only care about how she reacted to him and ignore that he damaged the top (which has taken you so much work too!) and don't seem to see that him taking a lot of your attention is hard on your DD.

She doesn't need punishment. She needs her Mother to sit down and say "hey DD, I'm sorry I got cross earlier. I understand why you were upset. DS takes up a lot of my time because of his needs but you are my daughter and I will always have time for you. Let's try and make time for just us to do something together ok? But I do need you to be kinder to DS, it's not his fault. He needs his big sister to help him out. Now come on, show me that routine for tomorrow"

Hwi · 24/05/2025 20:47

Is he her brother or half-brother? If half-brother, and your DP is her step-father, then you really have to think what she might be feeling overall about being superseded. And have you thought about 'accidentally on purpose'? The most wonderful depiction of how evil younger siblings can be was provided in 'The diary of a Wimpy Kid' where the younger sibling was doing truly evil deliberate deeds and saying 'I am onwy thwee' and then smiling evilly.

sonjadog · 24/05/2025 20:50

I grew up with a brother who was favoured. I used to get so frustrated and angry about him being favouritized that I would explode and say horrible things. I didn't mean it of course, but it was the sheer unfairness of never being supported. We get on fine now, but we aren't close. If my parents had treated us like we were of equal worth, it may have ended up differently. You still are all about your daughter apologising, and nothing about your son having any consequences. Be careful you aren't actually making this situation worse and creating resentment.

nomas · 24/05/2025 20:51

Glad to see you’ve realised you overreacted.

Is DS the favourite? I would be careful of showing favouritism.

GiddyCrab · 24/05/2025 20:52

LoremIpsumCici · 24/05/2025 18:18

Sounds like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Yes, she over-reacted to her dance competition top getting juice spilled over it but I’d cut her some slack as she likely experienced full panic at that moment and thought it was completely ruined.

I think you then over-reacted by “fuming” and saying she can’t go to the dance competition. She’s been working towards it for months. As a punishment it is disproportionately harsh.

After you’ve all calmed down, she will likely apologise to her brother for her outburst especially if you role model and apologise for cancelling her dance competition.

This. And 8 is not that little. Teach him to be more careful.

ladeedarrrry · 24/05/2025 20:58

Why do you need to find another way to “punish” her?! I actually didn’t think this was real when I first read it because I couldn’t believe how harsh to DD it sounded

Mumtobabyhavoc · 24/05/2025 21:00

@Blondra we're all just winging it! 🩷
As the saying goes: Fake it 'til ya make it.
Solidarity!!!! ✊

DancingDucks · 24/05/2025 21:01

Blondra · 24/05/2025 19:12

Thanks everyone, appreciate the replies.

I know I probably went too far, it’s just been one of those days where everything builds up and I lost my patience. She has worked hard and I know how much it means to her, I just really struggled with how nasty she was in that moment. It wasn’t just the top, it was the way she looked at him and said it, like she hated him.

By “not easy” I mean he can be full on. He’s got some stuff going on, we’re waiting on assessments, and he does get a lot of my time/energy which I think she resents. She’s been quite snappy with him recently and I’ve probably let too much slide.

You’re all right though — taking away the comp would probably just make her feel worse and not actually teach her anything. I’ll speak to her properly, make sure she gets how hurtful that was and that she needs to apologise properly to both of us.

Will find another punishment that actually makes sense and doesn’t hurt something she’s worked for.

Honestly feel like I’m winging it most days, but thanks again.

So refreshing to see this OP. We all feel like we're winging it sometimes and we all say things that we don't really mean in the heat it the moment/anger. I hope your daughter has a great time at her competition.

CaptainFuture · 24/05/2025 21:02

sonjadog · 24/05/2025 20:50

I grew up with a brother who was favoured. I used to get so frustrated and angry about him being favouritized that I would explode and say horrible things. I didn't mean it of course, but it was the sheer unfairness of never being supported. We get on fine now, but we aren't close. If my parents had treated us like we were of equal worth, it may have ended up differently. You still are all about your daughter apologising, and nothing about your son having any consequences. Be careful you aren't actually making this situation worse and creating resentment.

This, but op doesn't have to worry too much 7 or so years and she'll have the horrible dreadful daughter out of her hair, and she won't have to so resentfully do anything for her and can concentrate on her little prince.

Calliopespa · 24/05/2025 21:04

Blondra · 24/05/2025 19:12

Thanks everyone, appreciate the replies.

I know I probably went too far, it’s just been one of those days where everything builds up and I lost my patience. She has worked hard and I know how much it means to her, I just really struggled with how nasty she was in that moment. It wasn’t just the top, it was the way she looked at him and said it, like she hated him.

By “not easy” I mean he can be full on. He’s got some stuff going on, we’re waiting on assessments, and he does get a lot of my time/energy which I think she resents. She’s been quite snappy with him recently and I’ve probably let too much slide.

You’re all right though — taking away the comp would probably just make her feel worse and not actually teach her anything. I’ll speak to her properly, make sure she gets how hurtful that was and that she needs to apologise properly to both of us.

Will find another punishment that actually makes sense and doesn’t hurt something she’s worked for.

Honestly feel like I’m winging it most days, but thanks again.

Well, well done for taking the replies on board op.

There’s another thread rattling on where the op posted for “advice” and over endless updates has sought to resist and explain why the advice is wrong.

I’m glad you are letting DD go.

It’s interesting what you say about DS having a lot going on including assessments. It did come across as though you are a bit protective of him, which is understandable. But please remember lots of siblings of children with diagnoses really struggle because of the strain those issues can also put on them.

And in any case, it isn’t easy being 11 and feeling like your glittery top thing is the most important thing in the world. We have all been there.

Superhansrantowindsor · 24/05/2025 21:05

Never ever make a threat you can’t follow through.
cancelling the comp is too harsh but you have got yourself in a bit of a pickle.

Seventree · 24/05/2025 21:06

Blondra · 24/05/2025 19:12

Thanks everyone, appreciate the replies.

I know I probably went too far, it’s just been one of those days where everything builds up and I lost my patience. She has worked hard and I know how much it means to her, I just really struggled with how nasty she was in that moment. It wasn’t just the top, it was the way she looked at him and said it, like she hated him.

By “not easy” I mean he can be full on. He’s got some stuff going on, we’re waiting on assessments, and he does get a lot of my time/energy which I think she resents. She’s been quite snappy with him recently and I’ve probably let too much slide.

You’re all right though — taking away the comp would probably just make her feel worse and not actually teach her anything. I’ll speak to her properly, make sure she gets how hurtful that was and that she needs to apologise properly to both of us.

Will find another punishment that actually makes sense and doesn’t hurt something she’s worked for.

Honestly feel like I’m winging it most days, but thanks again.

He's not her child and she's not an adult. You can't expect her to have the maturity to cope with her brother's challenging behaviour with the understanding of an adult, or the unconditional love of a mum,

Yes, she was out of order and needed to be told off. But you went too far. He spoilt something really important to her and she reacted in anger. You're supposed to help her learn how to behave appropriately, not punish her excessively for an emotional outburst.

If he does have SEND then she's likely to need extra support herself to cope. Not because she's bad or 'nasty', but because it's hard for children to cope with their siblings getting extra attention and displaying (even completely understandable) challenging behaviour.

godmum56 · 24/05/2025 21:06

GiddyCrab · 24/05/2025 20:52

This. And 8 is not that little. Teach him to be more careful.

Show quote history

Kindly this. You are the parent here and its up to you (and the dad, is there a dad around?) to run the family so that so far as possible both children get what they need and one doesn't take a back seat for the other. You really do have to put in rules like "no food or drink near the work/tablet/phone/TV" Because I am sure you want your children to have a good relationship with each other?

Blossomly · 24/05/2025 21:07

Echobowels · 24/05/2025 18:19

The way you've told it, I feel sorry for your DD. It comes across as DS being the golden child.

This

HeartyViper · 24/05/2025 21:09

Sooo.. he’s allowed to be ‘not easy’ but .. she isn’t?
He ruined her top for an important competition - she is allowed to be upset, despite her off colour comment.

SENNeeds2 · 24/05/2025 21:10

An 8 year old is not little.
If you were gluing the top why did you leave it where food / drink could get on it - or why as a parent did you let him near it with a drink.
He ruined her dance top and you are saying bless him he split a drink over it! THATS IMPLYING YOU FEEL SORRY FOR HIM - HOW ABOUT HER? really obvious whose the favourite child in your house.

Blossomly · 24/05/2025 21:14

I could never cancel something like that as punishment, especially over something so extremely minor.
I Feel really bad for your DD.

CaptainFuture · 24/05/2025 21:17

Seventree · 24/05/2025 21:06

He's not her child and she's not an adult. You can't expect her to have the maturity to cope with her brother's challenging behaviour with the understanding of an adult, or the unconditional love of a mum,

Yes, she was out of order and needed to be told off. But you went too far. He spoilt something really important to her and she reacted in anger. You're supposed to help her learn how to behave appropriately, not punish her excessively for an emotional outburst.

If he does have SEND then she's likely to need extra support herself to cope. Not because she's bad or 'nasty', but because it's hard for children to cope with their siblings getting extra attention and displaying (even completely understandable) challenging behaviour.

Edited
Show quote history

A brilliant post! Although I wonder if a male with a sister with similar behaviour of the ops golden son would have a parent be so harsh, judgemental and frankly poor towards them?

Silvers11 · 24/05/2025 21:18

By “not easy” I mean he can be full on. He’s got some stuff going on, we’re waiting on assessments, and he does get a lot of my time/energy which I think she resents. She’s been quite snappy with him recently and I’ve probably let too much slide.

@Blondra This explains it really. From her perspective it will appear that your son is the 'Golden' Child, getting all the attention and of course she will resent that. She's 11. Your reaction is definitely way over the Top. It is very hard for you to have a potentially SEN child, but I hope you can somehow make some time for your daughter, when she gets one to one attention from you, without her brother, or you are going to have an even bigger problem in a very few years when she becomes a teenager.

Timetoeat · 24/05/2025 21:18

I think that you are all having a difficult day, that your daughter was upset and lashed out. I do think you had a right to be upset but I do think you over reacted with the consequence, and if you do follow through, she might resent her brother , and their relationship could be damaged. She's been looking forward to it for months,no wonder she's sulking upstairs and not talking to you,she's angry.
You've acknowledged that her brother isn't easy. I'd have a chat with her and explain to her why you were annoyed, that you understand she was upset ,that she can be mad at her brother but not mean to him.

Shadow1986 · 24/05/2025 21:20

Put yourself in her shoes, she’s probably really nervous for the comp and now her costume has juice all over it…
she may have over reacted but she’s stressed. Sounds like she needs a cuddle more than a punishment.

Stompythedinosaur · 24/05/2025 21:21

I think you're being completely unreasonable.

She's 11, she has a stressful, probably long anticipated event happening. She doesn't have the emotional regulation of an adult.

It sounds like her brother ruining something really important to her. She shouldn't have called him names, but it would have been far better to let her calm down before they apologise to each other.

SchrodingersTwat2 · 24/05/2025 21:25

Of course she should go.

Why are you so soft with your younger child but would do something so shattering to the older child?