To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

I'm super impressed she was making her own top. Sounds like she had a clear vision about how she was going to look tomorrow at the event that she has looking forward to more months.

She lost her cool when her brother spilt juice on it. I would be upset too.

To be honest, she sounds passionate about her competition and pretty awesome.

She slipped up. It happens. She isn't perfect. But then no one is....

OP - what consequences are you given your son for being reckless and spilling a drink on his sisters outfit?

At 8yrs, he’ll have known how much it means to her. Are you sure it wasn’t intentional?

Young boys are full on - they all are. I have 7yr old twins and they’re very full on. Normal boys. I’d be fuming if they spilt juice on an important possession.

"poor behaviour"? Her brother ruined her top! and you blame HER?

I don't know what you are projecting but what on earth is wrong with you?

He doesn’t need to be told off for an accident ( although why was the costume anywhere other than on a hanger somewhere safe ? )

she does need to learn that fun things don’t happen to children who are rude and nasty

no, where did I say anything abour punishing him? I said about keeping juice away from important stuff and about understanding how far an 11 year old big sister might have been pushed to make here react this way.

congratulations

Not a single one of the sentences in your post makes any sense in real life

You need to make sure you keep things that are important to your children in a safe place where they won't get ruined.

The only person to blame imo is you. I'm not saying that meanly but just in a "it was on you to sort it" way - by reassuring your DS that what had happened was not the end of the world and also reassuring your DD that the top would be fixed or replaced for the competition tomorrow. I'd also remind her not to use unkind words but at a less stressful time.

That entirely depends on the degree of carelessness. Though as has already been said, that also applies to whoever allowed the top and the juice to come into close proximity in the first place. I suspect we know who that was.

I really hope you are right because if not they are being incredibly nasty

Younger siblings that get away with murder are the worst, please don’t be that parent. You may love your DS to bits but don’t assume she does. If he really does ruin everything, no matter what the reason, that’s hard on her.

She should apologise for losing her temper at him, but I don’t see why you feel any further punishment is needed.

"I’ll speak to her properly, make sure she gets how hurtful that was and that she needs to apologise properly to both of us."

Your son needs to apologize to her. You need to apologize to her. Her bro ruined her top because he and you were careless. You threatened to take away something she's been working on for months because she called him a name in anger over him ruining her top. The favouritism you are showing is blatant and harmful to her. You treat her like crap and strangers on the Internet see it. Maybe your husband is getting a clue too.

I can't stand "gentle Parenting" which is just an excuse to be lazy parents

but on this occasion, there was strictly no punishment deserved.

They BOTH needed to be told off, and that's more than enough.

I had a younger brother who was my mum’s ’golden child’. My entire childhood was my mum ignoring (and covering for!) his awful behaviour whilst simultaneously ignoring me and my other siblings. We were very unfairly treated, which was noticed (and commented on) by other adults (both relatives and family friends). This simply made my mum double down on her utter devotion to Golden Boy and be even more awful to the rest of us.

Don’t be my mum OP. It will not end well.

He ruined her top, something that was important to her. A d she lost her shit That's typical sibling behaviour, they both need to apologise and you need to support her at the comp.

She’s over reacted, you’ve over reacted, emotions are running high. And not just about the dance comp or the top. You’re probably stressing about what those assessments are going to show and to an extent she is too - schools aren’t easy places for SN kids and it can be really complex being a sibling. They’re conscious of how their brother or sister is behaving, what trouble they might draw, on themselves and vicariously, and that word “freak” is no doubt something she’s heard.

As parents the grown up version is trying to navigate the question of “what’s wrong with my child?” And even if we know that neurological differences are just that, differences, it’s very hard at the assessment stage because it’s so deficit focused and that’s all you see for a while.

It’s torturous mental fuckery, and I really relate to your comment about feeling like you’re just winging it. I think what you need is a big hug so I’m sending you one but I hope you’re getting one irl too.

I’ll get flamed for this but I’d handle this with hugs and a lot of listening. You’re all navigating really hard things and you all need some grace and kindness. I’ve learned that if I reconnect first before bringing in the discipline it’s much more effective. In fact, the kids can work out for themselves then that they need to apologise and make amends - and by then they actually mean it,

I highly rate the Calm Parenting Podcast for tips on handling stuff like this.

Not even the mother, who reacted the same way but more extreme. Pretty hypocritical.

Sounds like standard brother and sister relationship to me. Don't cancel her comp

I agree with @GoldLash

Brother has SEN and gets allowances.
His SEN affects her too, where are her allowances?

Sorry to be morbid, but whst relationship do you hope they have as adults and do you think at the moment she is going to be on the same page if she gets punished when he wrecks her things and she is understandably mad?

You handled it badly, where's your punishment? Only she is getting punished, and for simply being a child amd not having the privilege that you have of just learning from it.

Also, the mother isn't 11.

This post has really made me think of my own childhood....my mum made it so clear my younger brother was her favourite, and although he was a spoiled little brat expected me to put up with him endlessly tormenting me and let him use my bedroom as a playroom while I was at school, I'd come home to find stuff my dad had bought me (who she'd divorced) broken by this half brother i hadn't wanted or asked for.....I still have resentment today.
I think you should cut her some slack, you don't want her to hate you.

I think YABVU.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with your son, but you admitted he can be a lot and he gets most of your attention and energy. I’d try to be more understanding. She should definitely not be shouting at her brother, but I think you are taking it too far by punishing her.
It’s coming across as if your DS was a golden child and she keeps having to put up with it.

The difference in how you talk about your children on here is probably why your daughter reacted the way she did .. just a thought 🤔

Glad you decided against banning the comp, I actually don’t think this requires a punishment at all. A word maybe about patience, but she is a kid and her annoying little brother just messed something up very important to her, I don’t blame her for being angry! Chat to your son about being careful, remind your daughter that words said in anger can hurt people’s feelings and then move on…

100% this. Your favouritism is showing OP.