To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

[Blondra]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.

Had a nightmare of an afternoon. Was rushing around trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow, eldest (11, Yr 7) has a dance comp she’s been banging on about for weeks. Spent half my bloody life glueing gems to a crop top she INSISTED she had to have.

Anyway, little one (8) accidentally knocked over a glass of juice and it went all over said top. He was already in tears, bless him, before she absolutely LOST it and called him “a freak who ruins everything” right in front of me.

I told her she was being horrible and she needed to apologise. She rolled her eyes and said “he is though” then stormed upstairs slamming doors.

I was fuming and told her she’s not going to the comp now. Cue full meltdown, crying, saying I’ve ruined her life etc. Now she’s sulking in her room, hasn’t come down since.

Partner thinks I’ve gone too far and should’ve just sent her tomorrow and “had a word” but I’m sick of her attitude and the way she treats her brother. He’s not easy, no, but he’s her sibling and it’s not on.

AIBU to follow through and not let her go? Or have I made it worse now by cancelling it when she’s been looking forward to it for months?

I just want to do the right thing but feel like I can’t win sometimes.

Nobody is saying that what she said is acceptable but it actually wasn't as bad as I was expecting when I read the title. She was having an extreme emotional reaction and yes she should apologise for it but things obviously run deeper than one comment.

When its something that special then yes. My home is chaotic. My mother used to be a dress maker and do alterations (she made my wedding dress) and I was taught from very young "No Drinks or Food Near the Work" I do various craft and handicraft activities and until recently I had two big and boisterous dogs. You set things up so that they can't put a nose or paw into the paint or glue. Same with children.

She’s had the consequence of thinking she’s going to miss the comp. Now ensure she apologises to her brother and understands she shouldn’t call him names and say that because she now understands she shouldn’t have called him a freak, she can go to the comp.

make sure she goes to bed calm and happy and say how excited you are about her comp too.

You’re all right though — taking away the comp would probably just make her feel worse and not actually teach her anything. I’ll speak to her properly, make sure she gets how hurtful that was and that she needs to apologise properly to both of us.
Will find another punishment that actually makes sense and doesn’t hurt something she’s worked for.
Honestly feel like I’m winging it most days, but thanks again.
She needs to apologise to you both?! Bloody hell, you really have an alliance against her with him don't you?
How often does he spill things?.. how often does he ruin/break her things?
This is honestly dreadful favouritism, what are you trying to teach her? She doesn't matter and always comes second?
His behaviours and actions however hurtful and upsetting must be accepted and she isn't allowed emotions? And if she does show emotion she must apologise to him, (and you?!) for upsetting him?!

And if an 11 year old does something inappropriate, any punishment is fair?

That is a lovely post OP. It's great that you have been receptive to comments.

I'm not sure she needs a punishment though? She's a pre-teen, there will be a lot more tantrums and door slammings, buckle in.

Unless you yourself were perfect at that age! 😉

Wow way over the top punishment.

I have a little brother and have definitely called him some awful names and had massive goes at him when he was younger, but we're friends now (in my 30's and he's late 20's) 😃

She doesn't like her little girl much, and doesn't think it matters enough to address it and do something about it. Poor child.

you are right and I don't know this family, but look what the OP told us
" I mean he can be full on. He’s got some stuff going on, we’re waiting on assessments, and he does get a lot of my time/energy which I think she resents."

So let's punish further a neurodivergent kid? No!! This is shocking tbh.

Who's punishing the son?!

OP, what do you actually think she needs to apologise to you for?

I mean I can understand the apology to her brother - as long as he apologises to her, of course. That makes sense.

But why you? Is an insult from her to your son an insult to you? Are you mediating between the two of them, or are you firmly on the one side? If it looks like the latter to me, you can be assured it will look like the latter to her as well.

I told you, people! The b people - @BrickJoker and @blubbyblub, are just trolling this thread. Engage if you like, but you're just feeding them.

CAR, I have no idea why you're so obsessed with reading my posts. You really ought to get a job!

It seems like the OP is treating her daughter like a "little woman", and expecting her to be emotionally mature, and to give way for the son, who is to be indulged.

By allowing the daughter to call him a freak who ruins everything is bullying behaviour, and she will do it again and again until she's told it's not acceptable.

She's already been told it's unacceptable 🤦

Sorry but did you really expect her to calmly react to that scenario?!! A kid at around 8 knocked over a can of drink on the floor of my caravan. I didn’t shout but I clearly wasn’t happy, partly because the mum put it on the floor and partly because I had told the kids not to run around inside. It was irritating and preventable just like this situation. 8 is not little! I feel for your DD. That would upset me also and I’m an adult!

I think you are understimating the extent to which certain people will genuinely go to argue that anyone with any degree of neurodivergence should never be blamed for anything, or interacted with in any way at all except to be praised.

Allowing her to go to a dance competition, reinforcing her poor behaviour, is not telling her it's unacceptable.

How would you feel if you had an interview coming up, had set out your only appropriate outfit and then your husband knocked his drink on it?

Its totally normal that your daughter was furious and stressed!

she should apologise for the name calling.
he should apologise for spilling the drink.

It’s a complete overreaction to a very standard sibling insult,

They need to apologise to each other and everyone move on. No need to make a big deal out of anything here.

Whatever she has done refusing her to go to a competition one assumes her teacher is expecting her at and the competition organisers as well is bringing other people into family drama

Are you seriously telling me that you'd stop a child going to a competition that they've been preparing for and excited for because they dared to call their sibling a name when he ruined her top? Come on now.

it's your attitude that is shocking. Neurodivergent is not an excuse, and he absolutely should have been told off for messing his sister's special top.

I would have told them off both, and send both in their bedroom.

Not play favourite like you are, you don't even know them and the boy can't do any wrong but the little girl is awful? Are you mad?