To think I must have a mental health problem/not be a nice person/something else wrong to feel like this about other people?

[Iwqp]

I don’t really know how to explain this clearly. I’ve never admitted it in IRL to anyone either. Basically I have noticed that I feel some sort of positive feeling or enjoyment when I hear about a friend or someone I know struggling with something like a break up, job issues etc. It doesn’t extend to truly awful things and I do always always have compassion and understanding, but there is a part of me that sort of enjoys the emotion side of it and going through that with a friend. I feel like there must be something wrong with me to feel this? Has anyone else experienced this?

It’s called Schadenfreude.

I think you need to provide more context. Are you enjoying seeing your friends suffer? Or are you enjoying the warm feeling you get from helping or supporting them?

And not uncommon. My mother is motivated by it. She likes being around someone to whom something bad is happening as it makes her feel lucky and ‘needed’. If you call her up in a good mood, or with good news, you can hear her switching off.

@ExceedinglyCharacteristic why do I experience it though? Am I just a bit unpleasant?

@WhereIsMyJumper im honestly not sure, I think maybe the drama around supporting them.

"My own good fortune is great, but other people's misfortune is even better"

@ExceedinglyCharacteristic yes this is exactly it, feeling lucky and needed. That sums it up.

You might benefit from speaking to a therapist. It's certainly not a pleasant trait

It’s a deeply unpleasant trait, so I’d have a look at some therapy if I were you.

I knew someone with this trait. She would also swoop in and be the rescuer, and tell everyone about how she was helping this person etc, along with blabbing their business to all and sundry too (not saying you do that bit, but you get the picture).

I built my entire career around the drama of people having an awful day. I love getting stuck in when someone is having a bad time.

I do enjoy helping others, but I will admit that part of what I like about it is just the drama of the situation. It's just exciting to be involved in high intensity situations.

I always wanted to take 999 calls - that was my dream job. It never happened because I couldn't work it around DC and then I ended up with a career ending illness. I did work with pretty serious emergencies for a long time though and it was very rewarding. Maybe something like that might suit you?

I think many people have this in one form or another.

Ok, well, in my mother’s case, it stems from poor self-esteem. She doesn’t think anyone likes her just for her company, so she likes situations where someone has some misfortune, so she has a role, feels needed and a bit powerful — visiting someone with no other friends in hospital, showing up with a cake, running errands for someone ill. If someone is lucky, gregarious and fortunate, there’s no ‘role’ for her, so she’s uninterested.

I think she’s deeply unhappy, so being around someone to whom something objectively bad has happened (bereavement, job loss, bad diagnosis) makes her feel comparatively fortunate.

It does make her absolutely draining to be around.

You need professional help for this. I truly believe that most people don’t feel this way (although I don’t think it’s uncommon - I’ve been in the receiving end of it before).

Do you struggle with envy?

How old are you?
The older that I get, the less I'm interested in other people's problem.
Drama free zone.
I avoid people who enjoy drama.
I'll support someone when I am needed, only for serious matters.

Very common trait in many types of personality disorder.

I know one like this too.

Deeply unpleasant woman who I avoid at all costs.

Don't beat yourself up, OP - it sounds like these thoughts are jumping into your head uninvited, as it were, rather than you consciously thinking them. This is sometimes seen in OCD, and they are called intrusive thoughts. Most people who have them are horrified and distressed by them - it's not really a reflection of who you are.

If it was genuine pleasure I'm not sure you'd be self aware enough to worry about it or realise it's not ideal. Are you sure they aren't intrusive thoughts?

I no longer speak to this person because of it. She blabbed my business all the time, and that of our mutual friends. All under the guise of "I am doing a nice thing because...". She wanted a pat on the back too.

Maybe you are sensation seeking , like needing a thrill?

Are you envious of them and are happy when they are not doing so well?

I hope you're not my friend!

You are just feeling a bit shit, I think, OP. Most people never admit it to themselves.
<hugs>

Yes it is toxic and eventually it will become apparent to people. Eg I was going through an awful time personally at one point and my sister would ask many Qs about what had happened and how I was feeling. Yet she never empathised or took the time to really try to support me same as I did countless times with her. NB by this time she had just married and was blissfully happy with her lovely kind DH. Anyway, as time went on I realised that I was almost like an entertainment piece for her. She would ask Qs then just let me vent and that’s about all the interaction there was. Sometimes she would make me feel worse! And say things I hadn’t even thought of! Eg she’d say ‘when you get back home after visiting us, don’t you feel bad you’ll be all alone?”.

Once I realised it was hard for me to stomach opening up to her and I’d just give short answers. It was only later I realised it was called schadenfreude. My mother has this trait even worse.

I think everyone feels good to be needed to some extent.

it does make you feel good to help someone.

But I would worry about your own fulfilment in life if the biggest buzz you get is from this.

What do you do in between the times your needed? How do you feel then? Especially how do you feel about yourself when you aren’t being someone’s crutch?

I do think therapy would help you unpick this.

It’s not necessarily an unpleasant trait. Not unless people are only part of your life if you can use their sorrow for your own enjoyment but you don’t say this.