To think I must have a mental health problem/not be a nice person/something else wrong to feel like this about other people?

[Iwqp]

I don’t really know how to explain this clearly. I’ve never admitted it in IRL to anyone either. Basically I have noticed that I feel some sort of positive feeling or enjoyment when I hear about a friend or someone I know struggling with something like a break up, job issues etc. It doesn’t extend to truly awful things and I do always always have compassion and understanding, but there is a part of me that sort of enjoys the emotion side of it and going through that with a friend. I feel like there must be something wrong with me to feel this? Has anyone else experienced this?

I'm not going to be as harsh as some people on here because it's a very human response, probably more common than some people will admit and probably not something you can consciously help... I've known several people like this.

But it's not great and its probably something you should get help with. Firstly because it's not great to go through life enjoying people's minor misfortunes and you feel worse about yourself ultimately.

Also because people who thrive on "helping" other people through drama, grief vultures or just low-level drama addicts eventually get sussed out by the people they are purporting to help. If you develop a pattern of doing this people will start to feel quite repelled and creeped out by it and stop trusting you. It's not a nice trait to be on the receiving end of and it also makes you suspect that people like this have a warped sense of getting pleasure.

But also wouldn't you just rather have friendships where you lift each other up, not thrive on mutual misfortune?

If it's just a fleeting feeling I wouldn't worry about it.

I'm very much like this. I hate it.

You are not a bad person, just a human being with flaws and a lot of self awareness. Please don’t beat yourself up about this. Most of the people judging you here aren’t brave or honest enough to face their own flaws. I’d advise researching ‘shadow work’ if you want to explore this and reassure yourself. I admire your emotional honesty and maturity X

I know someone like this. I’ve never been able to put my finger on it exactly, but she is almost gleeful and energetic when she hears bad news or someone is having a rough time.
She somehow places herself at the centre of it, even when it has nothing to do with her. It’s a deeply unpleasant trait ( I’ve been on the receiving end of it) and feels very fake.

OP. It's not nice. I had a 'friend' once (I use the term loosely). I was going through a tricky time. She was supportive.

When I got myself back on track, she distanced herself from me and actually said... ' I don't like you happy, I don't feel the same about you now'

I had been a huge support to her but she could not cope with someone who felt better than she did. It was mean.

Dont be that person

This is very honest and self-aware of you. I’d suggest you derive some of your identity and self-worth from being needed. It doesn’t sound like you wish bad things on your friends. But I think it would help you to try and understand this more, maybe with a therapist.

I think you’re just being honest. Let’s face it, humans have a massive appetite for enjoying drama….look how successful soap operas and action films are! Many people also enjoy watching fighting and horror films….all of which involve getting a thrill from someone else’s misfortune.

So many people like to be better than the next….just look at all the threads on here about how much people earn and so on!

I think you just want to be needed and possibly crave superiority over others? Do you like power? There’s nothing wrong with that you’ve just got to channel your energy in the right direction. Use it to further your career or do well in sport etc.

Hmm - is it definitely the "drama", or is it feeling wanted or even feeling like you can be useful in a crisis?

For me, I've experienced more than my fair share of bereavements (I'm under 40, have lost a parent and many close relatives), and my way of processing immediate grief is to be very practical, and help with things like arranging funerals, contacting everyone, sorting out home insurance and bills for empty houses, etc. It makes me feel useful and I guess in control.

I find it much harder to sit with other people's emotions, and to do that thing that stereotypically comes easier to women than men, of offering sympathy rather than advice. It's something I am working on, but my comfort zone will I think always be with the practical side.

Not sure if that resonates, just offering another perspective.

It can be part of having ADHD. We perform brilliantly in a crisis or emergency, hearing about one can bring the same sensation of alertness and ability to focus and achieve.

Yep my mother is almost gleeful when something bad happens to me, she tries to cover it, but I know. I think it is some sort of mentality where she needs to feel in a better position than other people

I reckon maybe youre overthinking it.
It sounds to me like you dont want your friend to be having a bad time, but you acknowledge that you enjoy helping people through a tough time. Theres something rewarding about it.

Maybe you should work in a caring profession

I have it too.

For me, it comes from a place of jealousy and insecurity.

I didn’t have a good childhood. I was quite neglected. So I was always very jealous of kids who were well loved and looked after. So I secretly liked it when something bad happened to them.

I stayed that way through my 20s and I probably was a bit unpleasant.

As I grew up and had my own career and family and became happier within myself I found myself having much more compassion for people.

Life previously felt like I was always on the outside looking in. I always felt very different.

Now I realise that everyone has problems, and that the life I have now, I am one of the lucky ones. So I no longer feel jealous and I feel a lot of compassion for people in situations where something goes wrong (or whatever).

My mum had a bad childhood. She then neglected me as a child, so my childhood was bad, but not as bad as hers.

Since her 20s though, my mum has had a good life and is very lucky with the lifestyle she has. HOWEVER, unlike she, she does not see this. She is a very jealous and bitter woman and she is very wary of people and absolutely takes pleasure when unfortunate things happen to them.

I don’t know why I managed to break out of that cycle but she didn’t.

I have young daughters now and they have lovely lives. However, when I see other very well cared for young children I still get a pang of jealousy, as I wasn’t well cared for when I was a little girl.

Other than that, I don’t have those feelings any more.

The more you say, the more it sounds like we are thinking of the same woman!

I have this too sometimes and it almost always comes up when I'm feeling insecure about something or I feel I don't have it. It's not a pleasant emotion but it's a very human one and good to acknowledge. Part of it is just liking a gossip. Both my mother and mother in law love a minor tale of woe about some random friend's child!

I only have it for "minor-ish" problems- nothing big like a bereavement. So I'm pretty sure I'm not a monster!

@sundaybloodysunday12

That's a very honest post from you. I get it. And good you can recognise what you feel.

There are so many nasty people around (many on MN) and I’m sure they’re not worried about it…

What are you like as a person? If you try to be a nice person then you’re probably doing better than a lot of the population.

I’m also like you OP and, like a PP, I also enjoy drama, a crisis and an emergency. Recently, I considered applying for a job as a 999 call handler too - not to revel in other people’s problems, but because I really do care about people and because I’m very good in an emergency.

If you’re good at heart then just accept your foible. If you don’t feel you’re actually very nice, then maybe work on that.

Yes. I agree, well done on recognising your issue too OP.

Thank you.

it’s not a nice thing to admit to, so thank you for not shouting at me!

as I say, I don’t feel like that anymore.

I used to very much feel that I was “in the gutter”, looking up at all these people with perfect lives….so it felt very much like a levelling of the playing field when things went wrong for them. There was a real feeling of “otherness”, I just felt completely that I didn’t belong.

I did, however, collect waifs and strays. Anybody who had a harder life than me, I loved to befriend and help. Contrary to what other people on this post are saying though, about enjoying being needed, enjoying the drama etc, I genuinely just felt a lot of empathy for them and wanted to help them.

Once my own life improved and I found some self esteem and wasn’t so insecure, I realised these other people didn’t have perfect lives. I became much more understanding and compassionate and felt genuinely bad for them when bad things happened.

I’m doing fine in life - good job, nice house, lovely kids etc. But I do often wonder how my life would be if I hadn’t spent years plagued with insecurity and viewing everybody with suspicion and mistrust. I only found some confidence in my early 30s, around the the time I met my husband. If I had had that confidence from childhood, it would have made a huge difference

It’s a way for our brains to process when something happens. Primarily your brain is assuring you that this calamity is not happening to you.

It’s hard wired in to you as a survival instinct.

It’s the same as when you sometimes have thoughts of doing awful things to people. You would be horrified if you actually had to do those things but in that moment your brain is working through your sub-conscious thoughts.

It’s better to leave your brain to it.

My DM is like this - i call it ‘altruistic narcissism - getting a kick out of being considered the helpful / good / kind one. She gets so much of her self worth from being considered helpful that she literally does not know how to exist in a relationship where she isn’t the ‘net giver’. She is exhausting company.

I think therapy would be helpful too. Even just going over your life, was there a time when bad events happened but they actually made you feel better, maybe more connected to your family. There has been research on how families are actually happier after major events. Just for an example, maybe you lose your house in a flood but realise how lucky you are to have your family and there's more thankfulness and less pettiness after. More pulling together, less bickering over insignificant stuff.

Or you are a pessimist and when bad things happen if feels like you are proved right. There's a quote about how you don't need therapy to learn how to deal with tough times, you are used to them...but about needing it to let yourself be happy (not expecting bad things to happen)

You don't sound like a not nice person. You sound self-aware. Do you like the connection?

I sometimes think we are all craving connection. Events bring us together.

Wow, I could have written that exact paragraph about someone. I thought they were being kind when they helped me with something but when someone in her circle came up to me and told me that person had told her about my very personal problem, and everything she had done to help me, I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. After that, the scales started coming off my eyes, and sadly I realised she was doing this with others - "helping" them, but needing to share with all and sundry the other person's personal struggles and what she had done to help. It felt really horrible, like nothing is sacred and humiliating people in the process. Contact with that person is now limited and superficial - I don't share anything meaningful any more.

@ItsSoFoggy Yes, the descriptions are so close, I think we may be talking about the same person!

@Iwqp I don't think the person I am describing has the self awareness you have. It sounds like you need to be needed, but like all of us, it's good to be aware and maybe dig a bit deeper into why we react as we do to things ... It all starts with awareness :)

I’m a bit like this OP and I don’t like it about myself either. I think for me it comes from having experienced quite a few traumas in my life and feeling resentful / jealous when other people seem to have relatively plain sailing lives. One example is my second child was very poorly and had to have surgery as a baby, we spent his first month of life in hospital and never had that newborn phase with him. So it stings every time one of my friends has a baby and all goes well. It’s a horrible feeling that I’m ashamed of but I can’t help it.