To think I must have a mental health problem/not be a nice person/something else wrong to feel like this about other people?

[Iwqp]

I don’t really know how to explain this clearly. I’ve never admitted it in IRL to anyone either. Basically I have noticed that I feel some sort of positive feeling or enjoyment when I hear about a friend or someone I know struggling with something like a break up, job issues etc. It doesn’t extend to truly awful things and I do always always have compassion and understanding, but there is a part of me that sort of enjoys the emotion side of it and going through that with a friend. I feel like there must be something wrong with me to feel this? Has anyone else experienced this?

It can be difficult to talk about things like this on here as a lot of posters start to twist it a bit so that you become like a friend or relative of theirs. I’m not criticising anybody; it’s easy to do. But to me, you don’t sound horrible or like you’ve got a mental health problem. The whole reason we enjoy feeling helpful is because it’s one that helps the species as a whole to thrive. Eating, drinking, bathing, sleeping, are all enjoyable for the same reason!

I agree it’s more common than people would want to admit. But op if misfortune struck someone you really love like for example a patent or your child, would you have the same thoughts? Just curious.

*parent

I agree with this.

Therapy will help answer the why question.

It’s not the wanting to be needed and helpful that’s the problem, it’s the fact that it’s derived from enjoying the misfortune of others and hoping bad things will happen for no real reason.

You can get to feel needed and helpful without actively wishing bad on others by throwing yourself into charity work, or making an extra effort to help colleagues out at work or whatever.

You get to feel lucky every time you watch a tv appeal for starving children in Africa, every time you walk past a homeless person on the street, or every time someone you know gets diagnosed with cancer or any life altering condition. You don’t have to wish it on others though. That’s the nasty part.

I hear you @countingdownforseptember and I understand what you are saying that enjoying being helpful is a species survival trait. I think most of us feel this, or I would hope so! However, experiencing positive feelings or enjoyment on hearing someone is going through a major issue is different to that. I agree that the OP doesn't sound horrible or has a mental health issue though, and it's to her credit that she is self reflective. None of us are perfect, including me!

Edited to say, OP you say you enjoy the drama and emotional ride. Perhaps a bit like a rollercoaster ride? I was just wondering if you feel life is dull or flat without the "excitement" of an injection of a real life drama?

I think this is down to low self esteem or some sort of inferiority complex. Having evidence that you’re not the most unfortunate person in the room makes you feel better about yourself. My ex was like that. Nothing made him happier than other people’s misfortunes.

There’s a word for this it’s called

schadenfreude

Taking some pleasure in someone’s misfortune and I think it’s quite common, more than people care to admit anyway!
Same reason newspapers like to print doom and gloom stories, because we’re oddly drawn to it- positive stories don’t sell papers!

It's very common and shared by a lot of people on here. They love the idea that someone blows up their whole life and leaves their husband, or someone who was very excited about a new date has to cut them off because they apparently show "red flags".

If you want to be different, one thing I advise is to change your company. If you're around people who are similarly cruel, then it will rub off on you.

Industrial quantities of projection in the replies!

I don’t think there is an issue, it’s an incredibly common feeling- it doesn’t mean OP is a bad person, or that it would affect how they act towards others.

its extremely common - , many of us like a bit of gossip about someone, some negative news story… it doesn’t mean therapy is needed for goodness sake.

If you want to know the psychological causes Google shadenfreude- lots of research about it. It can stem from rivalry - competition.

This whole seek therapy - seems part of a trend of pathologizing every human thought and emotion, we have to turn something common into a mental health condition.

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with you OP.

Others people's struggles can make you feel needed and it can make you feel more apprreciative of your blessings, or distract you from your own troubles and make you feel as if you're not the only one whose life isn't perfect.
So to a certain degree I think it's a completely normal feeling.
The fact you recognise it and are still a compassionate friend I think points that it's not huge problem but maybe you like to feel needed and have low self worth so possibly that is something you can work on or explore with counselling but from your post it doesn't sound like you are an awful person, just very honest about what you feel.

Google 'saviour syndrome'.
My dearest friend always has someone to save. When that person has been saved or has died ( she gathers up a lot of terminally ill people) she fills the vacancy created with another one. She gets a huge dopamine surge from being needed.

I wouldn’t call this schadenfreude. (MN is full of it though.)

Schadenfreude is more outright glee and delight in awful things. The OP seems to be more about being interested in and enjoying the drama. I recognise that in myself.

I don't think it's uncommon. I've come across a few people like this. I don't think it leads to particularly healthy friendships and relationships, but may be a trait that would be highly valuable in some careers? I'm thinking Social Worker or Parole Officer for example.

I thought schadenfreude was more a pleasure when someone gets their "just desserts"? Like if Trump got impeached for the crypto currency thing, I would feel pleasure and call it schadenfreude? But not if, say, a blameless friend got a divorce.

I guess many people get a frisson from "juicy gossip" especially where there are lurid details - for me, the amount of scadalised rather enjoyable frisson is like a bell curve - more limited for people I don't know at all (not even vaguely interested that a person I don't know had their husband leave them for a 21 year old he had known 3 weeks), peaking around contacts and vague acquaintances ("you know Roy from my work? You met him briefly at that event last year. Poor chap's wife has left him and run off with a waiter they met on holiday in Egypt") and then switches to compassion, empathy and more a desire to shut gossip down and protect for friends and family. When it's people that close that you can see the devastation, it's not just gossip any more.

BTW this is a pretty universal condition, however much people might deny it, as can be witnessed by all the people who follow FB pages of people they don't know who have cancer, or the reaction and popularity of some of the threads on here where people are dealing with really difficult stuff, like a child with a brain tumor. There are a lot of people posting "hope all is well" or "any updates" if things go quiet. They are supportive of course but there is an element of getting something from being the supporter. (Disclaimer - there are also often others posting on those threads who are there because they have medical or technical insight or who genuinely empathize as they have had similar experiences).

This is what I was thinking that was meant by it - glee. I think it’s the way it’s worded. If you didn’t mean that OP, then I take back what I said.

Yes I've known someone like this too. I noticed she only formed close friendships with people she was (using her words) 'supporting' but as the person got on a more even keel they seemed to end. I have no judgement for her, she's a nice person, it's just something I observed.

Agh, my reply was automatically hidden because I mentioned electronic money .. . I didn't write anything horrible.

I think a lot of people have this.

My sister tells everyone everything. When I had a breast check and got a biopsy, I only told my husband.

When I was dating and when my ex bf and I broke up, I saw my friend smiling as she was asking about it. We were 30. I was always very careful not to tell people about breakups until months later. I wouldn't get as upset telling, when it happened months ago.

I think every second person is like this. I think they like to lord it over a person. I was on the receiving end of this when I was single for years. I also told no one when I got made redundant when I was 30, not even my parents. When anything really goes wrong I feel I have no one to talk to.

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From what the OPs saying she’s not sitting smirking because Anna’s partner has a gambling problem and has lost them everything, but she does like the drama of it and being involved in helping in some way.

I have a friend going through a horrible situation at work, I’ve helped with it and I do think I’ve genuinely been helpful. And I’ve enjoyed feeling helpful.

Yeah, having read back it seems as if OP may just be used to chaos and just likes the drama, or just enjoys having something to feel useful for. It depends what the enjoyment and positive feelings actually are.

Paramedics and ICU doctors always say they get a rush of adrenaline when an emergency case comes in, perhaps it’s like that?

I think that comes, in me, from a highly critical childhood. It teaches us to view ourselves and others in a highly critical and judgemental way. When we feel really small and we've been made to feel worthless, seeing other people fail can make us, unreasonably, happy. It's really uncomfortable, and it sits at odds with the other part of ourselves that wants to be kind, and compassionate and gentle. I'm so sorry you experience this. It's such a hard thing to have inherited. Lots of therapy or books about inherited shame might be useful. Best of luck and try not to judge yourself too harshly. It's not a trait that anyone chooses, and I'll bet my ass that the more critical responses on this thread are from people with the same difficulty but less insight.