To think I must have a mental health problem/not be a nice person/something else wrong to feel like this about other people?

[Iwqp]

I don’t really know how to explain this clearly. I’ve never admitted it in IRL to anyone either. Basically I have noticed that I feel some sort of positive feeling or enjoyment when I hear about a friend or someone I know struggling with something like a break up, job issues etc. It doesn’t extend to truly awful things and I do always always have compassion and understanding, but there is a part of me that sort of enjoys the emotion side of it and going through that with a friend. I feel like there must be something wrong with me to feel this? Has anyone else experienced this?

And yet you jumped to defend yourself

teanbiscuits33 I think you actually sound like the toxic one...

OP, there's a big difference between getting pleasure from other people's misfortune, and taking pleasure from the fact that you're good in a crisis. That's a useful trait in a society - where would we be without police first responders, paramedics, RNLI volunteers etc...im sure (and I hope) they all derive satisfaction from doing their jobs well using their skills. And many of us like to be needed, that's just human.

I'm currently supporting a friend who's going through a nasty break up, and while I'm not happy that it's happening to her I do get a bit of a warm glow from knowing I'm helping her and making a shitty situation a tiny bit more bearable. And I enjoy the fact that I'm good at dealing with crises because I come into my own a bit when the pressure is on. These things don't make me a bad person.

I did over the first post yes, fair enough, but I couldn’t give a toss if you think I’m self righteous or not. I based my opinion on a misunderstanding just like several others and apologised for it. Equally, you came on and told everyone to read the posts properly but couldn’t even do that yourself. Hey ho, I guess we’re not all perfect. Enjoy the rest of your day 😊

And again…. I’ve already clarified this and apologised for the misunderstanding 🙂

Well I’ve obviously touched a nerve. Frankly, your final comment is laughably passive aggressive. Goodbye

I agree it can be a beneficial trait for emergency services, first responders etc, but it can be toxic in some circumstances.

A genuinely compassionate society would do what it takes to tackle the root causes that drive people to need homeless shelters.

But some people don’t really want homelessness to be solved - they like the warm fuzzy feeling it gives them to feel that they are helping the poor, and to feel relief it isn’t them suffering, without having to sacrifice much personally.

This is really interesting to read, as I am like this. I absolutely hate it about myself. I don't act on it - I am a kind and supportive person but not intrusive or gossipy. I do go out of my way to help people and used to be a terrible people pleaser but I am more aware of it now and make sure it's wanted, and I have my own boundaries.

It's awful. If I hear a friend is having a breakup for example my gut reaction is excitement and almost relief. My friend is pregnant and she was going for a scan, and my first intrusive thought was the drama if she lost the baby.

To be very clear, these thoughts are intrusive, not wanted, and distressing to me. It's subconscious, they pop in there without my permission if that makes sense and they're not well formed or deliberate if that makes sense. Having thoughts like this around your friends is really shocking and feels like I have an evil alien in my head. I was incorrectly diagnosed with OCD when I was younger but now know it's ADHD which I was then diagnosed with 15 years ago. I also really struggle with ear worms and thoughts of self harm. If I'm cooking for example I will get flashes of thoughts around sticking the knife in my eye or putting my hand in the blender. It's really horrible.

For me I also think it stems from having an identical twin and competing for my parent's attention, and also being badly bullied. I have very poor self esteem as a result and life feels like a big struggle. My life hasn't returned out how I wanted and I think it's a bit of relief that I'm not the only one who struggles. I want things to go wrong for my sister, and she is the same for me. We never let on about this but I think we both subconsciously are aware of it. There is a huge amount of jealousy and envy on both sides. With my sister it's harder to control.

Again, this is subconscious and my brain's knee jerk reaction. I don't sit there lavishing in these thoughts or entertain them. I recognise them, challenge them and form my 'true' thoughts. It's hard to explain, but these negative thoughts then change if I engage with them and think about how I actually feel.

I remember watching a comedy programme a while ago about a woman who had intrusive thoughts around sex, and it feels a bit like that.

Just like many people I have personality flaws mostly from my childhood. That's not my fault and doesn't make me a bad person, but it's my responsibility to work on it to make sure it doesn't affect other people or myself any further.

I would highly recommend therapy and ongoing self help, it's something you can work on and for me it has been a relief to discover it's not my true self. I used to think I was a really awful person.

She’s very toxic and delusional. I think it’s important to understand that we can have a sense of relief when bad things happen to other people because it’s not us! And that’s okay, but we’re conditioned to be nice. I’ve had absolutely dreadful stuff happen to me and I feel a sense of connection when it’s someone else’s turn - it’s not just me after all.

Please stop hating yourself. This is normal. The people who say they never feel like this are lying to themselves.

But that wasn’t what OP meant, or at least what I took it to mean at first, I took it to mean that OP took pleasure out of others misfortune, not because they’d done anything bad to her, but because she had low self esteem and liked to see others fail. Once she clarified what she actually meant, I apologised. That’s all there is to it.

I think we’d be lying if we said we don’t get a sense of ‘I told you so!’ when someone does something stupid against our advice, and we’d be lying if we said we didn’t get schadenfreude when someone who has previously been a horrible person gets karma, because we do, and that doesn’t make me toxic or delusional 🤣 that’s what I meant in my examples 🤣

Fair enough. As I keep saying, we’re lying to ourselves if we insist that we’re never nasty inside our own minds. It seems a shame that so many people jumped in to criticize an unusually self aware and honest poster. I hope she’s feeling ok.

Thank you, this really helps.

Also to get a bit geeky on this, I have a background in biology and I find it very interesting relating 'bad' human behaviour to evolution. We are 'designed' to survive and pass on our genes. Survival of the fittest. Many awful human traits can be linked to this concept. I think sometimes people forget that, relatively speaking for our species, social culture, altruism beyond related members, technology etc. is a huge huge development over an evolutionary miniscule amount of time. Modern life requires a conscious change of behaviour beyond what we are evolutionarily built for. At the end of the day, genetically speaking, we are still animals built to survive on and fight for limited resources.

We are all nasty at times, I said as much in my first post with my examples. The difference is I’m not nasty without reason which, at first, I thought the OP meant that she was and that she just got a pleasurable feeling when other people’s lives went to shit. That would be toxic. Now I know she means she goes into sort of fight or flight mode and it gives her an adrenaline hit and a desire to help which is normal and healthy.

im interested in evolutionary psychology too. A very good book imho is The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert. It puts our emotions into evolutionary context and urges compassion towards everyone, including ourselves.

I will check that out! Thanks!

In the misfortunes of our best friends we always find something not altogether displeasing to us.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

I think everyone feels a bit like this deep down- despite all the seemingly appalled comments. I suspect it’s a caveman instinct; we’re all programmed to feel - if someone is suffering there is more resource for me.
tThe good news is you’re self aware enough to override the instinct and not act on it.😊

I’m not the OP but I’ve posted above about how I used to feel like this and it was because I had a neglectful childhood and was filled with jealousy and insecurity. Now that I’m an adult and have a good life, I rarely feel like this anymore and have a lot more compassion for people. Because I no longer feel so jealous of anybody with a nice life.

For me, no, I’d be devastated if something happened to a parent or child. I wouldn’t get any sort of enjoyment or whatever from that at all.

However, my mum absolutely enjoys it when something negative happens to me.

If I am speaking to her about positive things in my life and how things are going well, I can see her just switch off. I’ll finish speaking and she’ll just change the subject to something else, usually herself.

If I mention anything negative / unfortunate in my life she becomes almost gleeful and starts quizzing me on it.

So yes, some people do feel like that even aboit their own children.

@Iwqp totally normal IMO. Why do you think tv programmes about people getting horrendously scammed or getting catfished or suffering serious misfortune are so popular? Because people love to feel better about their own lives by seeing other people experiencing difficult situations, so that they can think “well at least THAT isn’t happening to me”. It’s human nature. We’re all kind of dicks at our core. Except no one actually admits it

@Roxietrees all kind if dicks at our core 😂 really made me laugh!

yes I suppose it is similar to that feeling, like watching tv and thinking it’s cosy because you feel safer simply as it’s not happening to you