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AIBU?

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Original poster

To mention something to school?

113 replies

HappyFrappy · 23/05/2025 17:28

My DD age 11 has had a really tough week at school.

First was the post SATS PGL trip, for which they were told to write down the names of 5 kids they'd like in their bedroom, and 5 kids they'd like in their activity group. They were told they couldn't expect to be with all of them, but we're guaranteed to be with ine. When she got to PGL, she found that she was in a room with her BFF (hooray!) but the other kids were all from another class (and happened to be quite difficult).
None of her requested friends were in her activity group, and she was with a duo and trio who had chosen to be together, so she felt really left out. Her 5 friends all happened to be in the same group without her.

Then today they were given their parts for the play, and she has a really minor role. I guess someone had to do the role, and maybe her audition wasn't great, but she said it had been good and I know she is capable. She's so upset (not to mention exhausted after PGL!) and really feels like the teacher is against her - I guess the grouping was just an oversight, and maybe the play role deserved, but it is so hard to see her so gutted after 2 things she was really looking forward to.

Should I mention any of it to the school? It's not like they can do anything now. But it feels like this has really cast a shadow over her experience of year 6. Grateful for any advice.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 23/05/2025 17:31

This is a good moment to teach hrr resilience op, we don't always get first place and that's ok. You have actually jumped straight to assuming the teacher is out to get her. Please remember that while you are dd's Mum and would always put her needs above all other, the teacher has to juggle lots of needs and makes the best choices based on many factors.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/05/2025 17:31

WonderingWanda · 23/05/2025 17:31

This is a good moment to teach hrr resilience op, we don't always get first place and that's ok. You have actually jumped straight to assuming the teacher is out to get her. Please remember that while you are dd's Mum and would always put her needs above all other, the teacher has to juggle lots of needs and makes the best choices based on many factors.

Spot on.

TinyTempest · 23/05/2025 17:33

No, I wouldn't mention it.

There would be other kids in similar positions I'm sure.

Even if her audition was fine, it just means there would've been others who were much better.

They should've mixed the activity group a bit better but at least she had her best friend in her dorm!

SeanMean · 23/05/2025 17:33

Totally agree with both posters.

It’s disappointing but ultimately a life lesson on resilience.

lilyboleyn · 23/05/2025 17:34

Honestly, the teacher has SO MUCH to juggle at the moment, it’s really not that the teacher is out to get her. The teacher doesn’t have time for that. I hate school plays and trips. We don’t get paid for attending PGL trips overnight and over weekends etc and someone always complains afterwards. And there’s always someone that complains about school play roles, even when I’ve tried my hardest to make it as fair as I can. It feels like we can’t win.

WomenInSTEM · 23/05/2025 17:39

In my previous life as a primary teacher, every year at least one parent complained about the role given to their child in the Christmas or end of year production. It is just not possible to please everyone.

Strictly1 · 23/05/2025 17:39

As you’ve said, they can’t do anything so why frustrate the teacher when no doubt they’ve done their best and will then question why they bother.
A lesson in resilience as others have said.

PurpleThistle7 · 23/05/2025 17:40

unfortunately this is just how it goes sometimes. There are only so many combinations of children and so many parts and you don’t know everyone else’s situation. And yes - my daughter had a startlingly similar experience in p7. We just focussed on the positives and she enjoyed it in the end

verycloakanddaggers · 23/05/2025 17:40

She's so upset... and really feels like the teacher is against her This needs to be tackled - the teacher is not against her and you need to support her by explaining this is not true.

Children believe they are the centre of the universe - this is natural at her age, but she needs you to help her understand the teacher is looking out for ALL the children.

MightAsWellBeGretel · 23/05/2025 17:43

I can understand why you're both disappointed - it would have been lovely to have been with her preferred friends and a leading role in the play, but sometimes life doesn't go your way and you have to enjoy things for what they are.

She'll be moving to senior school very soon - who knows what the cohort will be there? There will be lots more children and possibly other situations where other kids are already friends and lots more competition for coveted roles and places.

UniversalTruth · 23/05/2025 17:43

I agree with the other posters. She's tired after PGL and that's why she's upset. I would be sympathising but downplaying the sadness - ah, I see you're feeling sad and tired, what nice way can we spend the evening that will help you regulate? (I use these terms, you might not).

You have an opportunity to show her that life is hard sometimes, but we don't ignore the feelings, we acknowledge them and move on. This is what resilience is.

Paellama · 23/05/2025 17:44

This really isn't one thing after another that's being done to your daughter. It's two separate things that just didn't quite go her way and that's common in life. She didn't need to be with a certain person to do a PGL activity (and I'm guessing the guarantee was either/or, not both because that is logistically probably not even possible for every kid to get two things they stated) and not everyone can have the same role in a play.

Curlybook · 23/05/2025 17:47

What would you hope to achieve by "mentioning" it?

I think you have to explain to DD that life is hard and seems unfair sometimes. She won't have noticed all the times things went well for her but badly for others.

Boreded · 23/05/2025 17:48

Definitely say something, they will have enough time to remove the lead from the play and give her the role instead. 🙄

ffs - do you want a participation trophy for her too

Wishboneswishes · 23/05/2025 17:55

I’ve been the teacher on many occasions trying to sort residential dorms while taking into account friendship choices. It’s such a difficult job and there were always children unhappy as they didn’t have exactly who they wanted. Shame your DD didn’t have a chosen friend in her activity group though - we used to carefully place children in activity groups considering ability/SEND/personality etc rather than focus on friendship groups, perhaps there was an element of this too?
You’ll have to let the role in the play go too. I would hope you didn’t show your disappointment to your DD. Watch the viral video Door Holder number 3 for the perfect response!

Original poster
HappyFrappy · 23/05/2025 17:56

Of course I don't expect them to do anything about the play, and I certainly won't mention that.

It's the PGL thing I would consider saying something about, because she certainly felt that the guarantee was for one friend in her room and one driving the activity group - and so feels like they've gone back on what was promised.

But obviously there's nothing that can be done about the past, though there's always next year to think about - DD2 considering not going on PGL next year having seen how upset DD1 was.

But you're right there's nothing to be done now, and the play is just one of those things - of course everyone wants the good roles, and there will be other opportunities in future. I think it stings so much after having a bad time at PGL and so hanging her hopes for the week to get better with the play roles - and of course it feels like the ones who got the good roles also got to be with their friends on PGL.

Good time for half term I guess to let it all blow over.

OP posts:
Nopenousername · 23/05/2025 18:01

.

Kangaroo1 · 23/05/2025 18:08

HappyFrappy · 23/05/2025 17:56

Of course I don't expect them to do anything about the play, and I certainly won't mention that.

It's the PGL thing I would consider saying something about, because she certainly felt that the guarantee was for one friend in her room and one driving the activity group - and so feels like they've gone back on what was promised.

But obviously there's nothing that can be done about the past, though there's always next year to think about - DD2 considering not going on PGL next year having seen how upset DD1 was.

But you're right there's nothing to be done now, and the play is just one of those things - of course everyone wants the good roles, and there will be other opportunities in future. I think it stings so much after having a bad time at PGL and so hanging her hopes for the week to get better with the play roles - and of course it feels like the ones who got the good roles also got to be with their friends on PGL.

Good time for half term I guess to let it all blow over.

Are you sure that was the guarantee? I'm not a teacher but I can't imagine the logistical nightmare that would be to promise them friends in both room and activity group. Sounds worse than planning tables at a wedding!

Original poster
HappyFrappy · 23/05/2025 18:12

I'm sure it's what she thinks the guarantee was, but I wasn't there when the lists were explained to the class.

And 1 person out of the 10 across both lists feels like a pretty low success rate, especially when she sees the others in her friendship group all together.

You're right it must be hard for the teachers to work out the best option, but splitting the friendship group into 2 groups would seem fairer than just leaving one out of it. But maybe there were SEN to consider etc that I'd be unaware of I guess as PP suggested. I am grateful to the teacher for running it, but it's such a shame that the group thing has cast such a shadow over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyFrappy · 23/05/2025 18:14

I should have said a shadow for her at least, maybe the others all had a whale of a time.

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 23/05/2025 18:14

The play is just one of those things. The PGL trip is rubbish but it's happened now and can't be changed. I don't think talking to the teacher will achieve much. I would just do your best to cheer her up at home.

Roseyposeypie · 23/05/2025 18:16

Just to give you hope… my daughter also had a year 6 that was a bit like this, combined with friendship issues and worry about secondary school, however she is absolutely thriving at secondary and maybe in a strange way not enjoying that final year at primary helped.

TinyTempest · 23/05/2025 18:18

Maybe the PGL staff wanted them grouped by ability.

miniaturepixieonacid · 23/05/2025 18:26

I'm a Drama teacher (Year 6 is right in the middle of the age range I teach) and do a lot of residential trips. But I'm going to go against the grain and say that I would mention it.

Not in a complaining way. I would say that your daughter is feeling really exhausted, overwhelmed and disappointed at the moment and ask that, if the opportunity arises to give her a boost, that the teacher takes it. I'd say that she struggled with the trip due to not being in a group with her friends (again, not as a whine, just as a statement of face) and that those negative feelings had exaggerated her feelings of disappointment in the play casting.

I spent a huge amount of time considering casting of shows (around 20 shows a year) and always do the best I can. But I'm considering 12 - 75 kids at the same time. Parents only consider their own couple of children. So sometimes they see something that I've missed. And I don't want to miss it so I'm glad when a parent raises it. It may or may not be something I can do anything about for that time but I can bear it in mind for the future.

Often, there is something that can be done. It depends on the play and type of licence chosen. Some allow you to write in additional parts/lines, split parts, make edits etc. Others don't. For shows that do I always take full advantage of that and ask the children if anyone feels they have too little or too much to do. Most tend to be happy but some want changes and I can make them. Even if it's a fixed show with no changes allowed, it's worth the teacher knowing your child is keen in case someone doesn't want to do their role or is ill.

Bestfootforward11 · 23/05/2025 18:29

I’m really sorry your DD is not feeling great. My DD is the same age and it is very painful for me when she is disappointed or sad. But I really do think these are opportunities for life lessons here: things don’t always work out the way we hope and that’s ok; the trip group arrangement might not have been the best and she felt left out at times but she’s ok; she wanted a different role in the play but every role is important and she should give it her best shot (I say this as someone who was a teabag for Polly Put the Kettle on 😂). Maybe organise something for her with her friends if you want to lift her spirits a bit or work out together what might help her feel better so she develops her own coping tools. Can’t say I always manage all this with my DD but I try work in this direction. Best wishes x