To mention something to school?

[HappyFrappy]

My DD age 11 has had a really tough week at school.

First was the post SATS PGL trip, for which they were told to write down the names of 5 kids they'd like in their bedroom, and 5 kids they'd like in their activity group. They were told they couldn't expect to be with all of them, but we're guaranteed to be with ine. When she got to PGL, she found that she was in a room with her BFF (hooray!) but the other kids were all from another class (and happened to be quite difficult).
None of her requested friends were in her activity group, and she was with a duo and trio who had chosen to be together, so she felt really left out. Her 5 friends all happened to be in the same group without her.

Then today they were given their parts for the play, and she has a really minor role. I guess someone had to do the role, and maybe her audition wasn't great, but she said it had been good and I know she is capable. She's so upset (not to mention exhausted after PGL!) and really feels like the teacher is against her - I guess the grouping was just an oversight, and maybe the play role deserved, but it is so hard to see her so gutted after 2 things she was really looking forward to.

Should I mention any of it to the school? It's not like they can do anything now. But it feels like this has really cast a shadow over her experience of year 6. Grateful for any advice.

just wait till she starts at secondary mixing with several other primary schools and all the issues that come with that. you will be wishing she was back in her nice primary soon enough. be grateful she's had an overall decent experience and don't make problems when there really aren't any

This! She needs to learn she's one of many even if she's special to you. For the activity group: her friends probably did not note her name but each other. Atleast she got to sleep with a friend. For the play you might think she's very capable but we all think our children are marvellous. The teacher has made her choice and it would be ridiculous to question that. Don't be that parent- the teachers have enough on their plate.

As a teacher at this time of year , a 'gentle' note might just push me over the edge .......😂!!

For 'gentle' read patronising and passive aggressive.

Should I mention any of it to the school?m

No.

The school haven’t done anything wrong. They certainly haven’t “cast a shadow” over her year 6 experience. You’re being ridiculous.

A life lesson is: we can’t always get what we want.

She was with her bestie in the dorm room. So what if the others were from another class? Just be friendly and maybe you'll end up liking them and becoming mates?

If not then we don't have to love everyone, but we do sometimes have to work with them and share spaces respectfully.

As for the play, well acting involves a lot of rejection. It's about accepting your role and doing your best as part of the wider production.

I think you need to let her learn that things aren't always exactly what you want, and you're meant to learn from new and challenging experiences.

Get a grip !! You are acting very precious and thinking of bugging a teacher because your child didn’t get a bigger part in the school play

come on !
head
wobble

Are you sure the “small role” is actually small? My kids’ school plays generally had a very small number of “big parts”, a slightly larger number of “small parts” and then a huge number of kids who were “trees” in the “tree dance” or “pirates” in the “pirate song”.

My kids were generally trees. To both their relief and mine as they are not theatrically talented.

I agree - I think it would be beneficial for OP to say something, not as a complaint, but just so the teacher is aware of how her DD is feeling about those two things (trip and play) and can somehow reassure her or give her a bit of a boost. 👍

Its hard when we feel are kids are being left out or put in unhappy positions. Definitely don't say anything to school, she was with her BFF in the room, it's an absolute nightmare of logistics to sort this and they clearly put her with one of, if not the first, top choice - plua they can't change it now can they, its happened. The play is one of those things, sometimes we do a great interview/audition/date whatever, and it doesn't land us what we want, it's a shame, it's great she is still taking her role seriously, what a fantastic life lesson.
Listen to Dr Becky on you tube, she explains that when your kid feels down about these type of situations, you don't "fix the situation", because they learn that when they're disappointed they just say something, or shout something and then they get made happy and someone sorts it all out. Instead you "join them" and show them you understand how they feel, you commiserate with them, you believe they're disappointed/frustrated/it's not fair and you don't belittle the emotion/chase the emotion away with "but I think you're the best at drama" or "but you're so good at other things, you're the best at maths". Just empathise and teach them these emotions are OK, we can weather them together and when we are disappointed we are still OK, we are still loved and we will move forward. She'll come out stronger and independent which is better for her long term happiness, even if it sucks in the short term.

You sound quite bitter OP, do you have history for feeling excluded/left out of things yourself? Interesting that you didn’t see the opportunity your DD had to make new friends (teachers must have presumed her strong enough to cope which is a great compliment) and don’t see that perhaps she just isn’t right for a main part in the play - emotional resilience is a big part of having the confidence to perform, of course. You should be supporting her to grow through this, not seething on her behalf and going to the teacher to complain “it’s not fair”.

Throughout primary school it was the same
kids over and over who got the lead roles. Yes they were confident over actors but nobody else got a look in. They did performances in Y2,4&6 Their parent was head of the PTA and then a school governor. It meant everyone else was relegated to minor roles and we just watched the same kids every time. This happened in class assemblies every year too.
I would mention the PGL to teacher and say she’s been a bit down as maybe the teacher can say well she had a smile on her face during this activity and was brave trying this etc. and talk to your kid about the positive time they had.

people forget the 99 positive things and remember the 1 negative thing.

plus going to secondary then your kid may not even have anyone she knows in her tutor group. So good time to make new friendships.

does the school not mix the classes up? I worked in a school that never mixed them up from reception to y6 and caused so many problems. Parents and staff asked for a shuffle but HT couldn’t be bothered.

Teaching moment, not everything always goes our way, sometimes we have to be around people we don’t particularly like or know, we don’t always get the best seat (or role!) and life isn’t always sunshine and flowers 🤷🏻‍♀️ she’ll get over both the experiences you listed in your posting, don’t focus on it and as a parent, I’d be like..oh well, it’s done now, let’s make the best of the role and maybe nx time it’ll be something better. If you show her that being upset and obsessing about it is normal, she’ll do the same. I don’t think teachers stay up at night plotting ways to thwart specific kids, they don’t get paid enough to do the things they have to do let alone petty things like that!

A " gentle" note or a "quiet" word?" Be realistic, however this is worded it will come across as a criticism or complaint.
It will. Teachers are notoriously sensitive to perceived criticism, particularly at this time of year. They will have put a huge amount of time and effort into both the residential and now this upcoming play. Any comment or "helpful tips for next year" will not go down well, I promise you.
Also, whilst there are plenty of kids who would rather chew their own arms off rather than perform on stage, there are plenty more who see themselves as future West End stars or X-Factor winners, even when they can't sing a note or act to save their lives. Sorry to be blunt but that's the reality. The teachers will have cast this play accordingly.
I'm also doubtful as to how much help you telling them she needs a confidence boost will be. Probably best you try to do that yourself at home.

Blimey im impressed that your class teacher is tackling a play at this stage in the game!!!
we do ours at Xmas it it nearly sends the teachers over the edge every year 🤣
listen I hear you, and it’s so easy to fall in to the trap
of mama bear and defend defend defend but.. in 3 months time she’s very much going to have to
fight her own battles and these things will feel very very small.. this is an opportunity to teach her to
Push through to make the best of things and to not be a victim, nothing really bad has happened in the grand scheme of things, she’s over tired and allll the hormones and over excitement. Our job as parents is to comfort and then to bring reason and to teach, nothing to collude with their emotional response or to turn them against the school, it’s to support the school and their teacher especially who has done SO much for that class already. School isn’t a service it’s an education- not every lesson is learnt from a book

"Their parent was head of the PTA and then a school governor. "

SO fed up of this hackneyed cliche that gets trotted out all the time on MN. I've been a teacher for nearly 40 years and I honestly couldn't tell you whose parents are governors or on the PTA. I cast plays based on auditions, aptitude, reliability and who needs the opportunity. Bear in mind, some of the kids who people seem to think are the golden chosen ones are those who'd never make the football/netball team in a million years and this is their "thing."

This is an opportunity for you to explain to her that we don’t always get what we want in life. She needs to develop some resilience. Don’t contact the school. They can’t please everyone. That’s life.

My daughter in year 3 and year 4 didn’t get any of the children she requested. Not even one. Both times the teachers were apologetic. They knew she gets on with most and it’s true she does, so she got on with it. She’s in year 6 now and she’ll be going on her residential soon. I’d like to think she will get at least someone she has put down but if she doesn’t she will get on with it. She knows these things happen.

same here. though my DS was on an overseas trip at the end of S3 (scotland year 9) put in an 8 bed dorm with none of his mates, From that trip and shared dorm sprung his best friends which he now has.

everything happens for a reason imo

kids need to learn some resilience. Come on op.

Can I just say how refreshing it is to read of so many posters on here advising caution and to teach children resilience?

she found that she was in a room with her BFF

she has a role but d I know she is capable.*

You are being ridiculous.. please do not be that parent. And don't tell other parents that your kid was with her BFF in the room and you are still complaining, that won't go well 😂

Absolutely don’t do this.

I think it would reflect badly on you to speak to the school about this total non-issue. They said they would try to put people with friends but that it may shake out differently, and that's what happened for 50% of this event.

When I was 6 I was convinced I would be chosen to play Mary in the school nativity play. Instead I was one of many, many angels. I stood in my angel costume, staring at Mary, completely unable to work out why it was not me in that role.

And the reason is because we're not always going to get our first choice or be top pick. That's life.

Your daughter needs to toughen up.