To mention something to school?

[HappyFrappy]

My DD age 11 has had a really tough week at school.

First was the post SATS PGL trip, for which they were told to write down the names of 5 kids they'd like in their bedroom, and 5 kids they'd like in their activity group. They were told they couldn't expect to be with all of them, but we're guaranteed to be with ine. When she got to PGL, she found that she was in a room with her BFF (hooray!) but the other kids were all from another class (and happened to be quite difficult).
None of her requested friends were in her activity group, and she was with a duo and trio who had chosen to be together, so she felt really left out. Her 5 friends all happened to be in the same group without her.

Then today they were given their parts for the play, and she has a really minor role. I guess someone had to do the role, and maybe her audition wasn't great, but she said it had been good and I know she is capable. She's so upset (not to mention exhausted after PGL!) and really feels like the teacher is against her - I guess the grouping was just an oversight, and maybe the play role deserved, but it is so hard to see her so gutted after 2 things she was really looking forward to.

Should I mention any of it to the school? It's not like they can do anything now. But it feels like this has really cast a shadow over her experience of year 6. Grateful for any advice.

I used to say to my now grown up children when things like this happened - "Life is not always fair."

Do not buy into your DD's claim that the teacher is out to get her. Explain that they do their best but it is not possible for everyone to get exactly what they want. The teacher will have been working her tripe out and would not have the energy to engineer a situation that disfavoured one child even should she have wished to.

She is leaving soon anyway. But it does not help to reinforce a child's sense of grievance. She is going to encounter lots of situations in secondary school and in life when things feel unfair, and she needs your help to learn to distinguish between serious concerns/miscarriages of justice and just life as it is.

The teacher probably meant she would be guaranteed at least one friend across both options she did at least get to share her dorm room with her best friend so that should tell her the teacher isn't purposely targeting her negatively. She's 11 and needs to learn she won't get everything exactly her own way

As a TA, who last year had to sort rooms for our Year 6 residential, the end of year play and many, many other things due to staffing, whilst having to care for my husband who recently had a stroke. Please try and support the staff. The end of year is SO tough, it literally feels like we can't do right for doing wrong plus we are exhausted and we have our own things to deal with too. I appreciate way she is feeling is making you sad, but as others have said it's a good opportunity to teach some resilience and enjoy the last weeks of primary school.

We absolutely 100% do. It's a major part of our job. I'd hate not to know if one of my pupils was low or in need of a boost. It's a more common (and imo more important) reason for parental communication than academic matters.

Parents like you who think that the teachers are out to get their kids are the reason that my kids school no longer does school plays and for residentials does big group things where there's 15+ kids to an activity and they don't get to even request which friends they'd like in their room names are literally pulled out of a hat!

You have time to purposefully single out a child and make sure there end of year 6 experience is a miserable one?

i dunno the cohort doing gcses now had every year 6 event cancelled. Every year they saw the year 6s go to pgl do their play have their disco etc then when it was finally their turn…nothing. Dd sat and sobbed for one evening on realising this then pulled herself together and moved on. Suggest your Dd does the same.

I would say children learn more and lead by parents reactions to things, parents may thinl they hide it but maybe she is more upset because you come across like her needs need to come first and are now upset yourself

This is not about you but what is best for her she needs you to act like an adult

Honest question - what do you want out of mentioning it to the school? They can’t repeat the trip, they can’t “fix” what your daughter didn’t like - she should have said something whilst they were there.

I volunteer in a role where I have to split kids in to groups for things like sleepovers and activities, and it’s bloody hard. You’re never going to be able to please everyone and whatever you do there are going to be kids who aren’t with the friends they’d like to be with.

Jesus Christ. Prime example of the current trend in entitled parents and kids.
Newsflash - sometimes life doesn’t go the way you want. Use it as a life lesson and teach her some resiliance. While you’re at it
learn some yourself as well.

High school is going to be tough without more resilience.

No? Where did you get that from? The poster said that teachers don't have time to hear from parents that children are struggling and look out for them/find ways to boost them. Which of course we do.

My DD is also in year 6 and has also had a couple of disappointments over the last couple of weeks. One of them about the school play which is v hard for her because she does drama clubs outside of school and has performed in front of audiences before and she can’t understand why she didn’t even get a speaking part! I feel cross on her behalf and very much wanted to speak to the music teacher about it. She’s a quiet / unassuming child in school and not great at reading so possibly assumptions were made about her ability. But then I realised I need to step back and allow her to feel disappointed, as hard as it is. I guess it does build resilience but I’m still annoyed about it. I also know exactly who will get the main parts… the same children who got the main parts in year 5 no doubt.
As hard as it is, it is a life lesson.

I’m assuming the activity groups were an oversight but still rubbish for your DD as it affected her enjoyment of the trip. It might be worth flagging this with school just as an fyi. Did she feel bold enough to ask a teacher at the time why she wasn’t with her friends ? My DD wouldn’t have but I know plenty of her peers would have complained loudly and probably been accommodated . So there is that too…

The thing is, this scenario plays out every single year without fail. Your DD is not the only child who didn't get the role they coveted in the school play. My DS didn't either, he hoped for a more meaty role than the one he was cast in. I was just pleased that he did get a role at all and wasn't merely asked to be a helper behind the scenes or similar. I can guarantee that other kids in the same play will have been disappointed with their role, it's just the way it is.

Similarly other kids will also have been put in groups with kids they didn't want to be with. They may not have had their closest friend in their dorm either. It's just impossible to arrange it so everyone's happy, there will always be people who don't have the room mates they want or be in the group they want. It's the kind of knocks that life generally delivers from start to finish, and how your child takes it will determine how much positivity they will get out their lifetime. Instead of focusing on what they didn't get, look at what they did. Your DD got a role in the play. She got to share a room with her closest friend. (She shouldn't let her experience taint her sister's expectations for her trip either, that's not necessary.)

It's a hard lesson to learn but life is full of small disappointments (it might not feel small to her now) that help us get over the harder bumps in the road along the line. Encourage her to make the most of things and view setbacks as a learning opportunity. It's not easy, but nobody promised life will be.

I support in year 6. It is an absolute nightmare sorting out rooms and groups for residential trips. We spend hours on it, we do our very best. There will be hundreds of other things to be taken into consideration as well as who they put on their list. She got her best friend in her room, many won't have been that lucky.

As a side note, please remember that school staff are people too. I attended my mum's funeral last week, next week I'm attending my father in law's, and then in a fortnight I'll be leaving my kids with my husband and going on residential with yr 6 where all staff will be doing our very best to make sure they all have an amazing time. We'll come back shattered, we won't have been paid any extra, and then we'll be back at school practicing a performance to give every single pupil the chance to shine whatever role they've been given - and casting will have been a nightmare decision too.

Talk to your daughter about resilience, by all means mention she feels a little low and could staff keep an eye on her (though they'll probably have already noticed and be doing so) and say thanks to them for all the extra hard work they're putting in this time of year.

And this is why teachers don’t do trips… you are not the teacher, you don’t have access to SEN information, pastoral notes etc. so you can’t make assumptions on how the teacher “should” have done things. You also only have your DDs word on the one friend guarantee. And with the best will in the world, unless you yourself get this info direct from the teacher I wouldn’t 100% trust the kids version.

it sounds like you are both emotionally overwhelmed. Take some time, get some perspective once the dust has settled.

100% this.

I was about to say the trip would be something I'd consider mentioning, esp if they were told they would be in a group with 1 off their list.
As an ex teacher, dh still teaching, it is a nightmare to organise groupings with lots if things to take into account. SEN / friendships / clashes / maturity / physical ability / sociability etc. but they need to be clearer with what they mean if they are not actually guaranteeing 1 friend in each group.

Slightly different situation but When our fs went to comp they were told they would be definitely in class with à friend from their school. His primary class was 28, (12 boys and 16 girls) divided across 8 classes at secondary.
Parents were saying which class their kids were in and he was the only boy from his school in his new class, there was also one girl from his class. fs had issues with school and he had had extra visits to help with the transition but now no male friend in class. It was really annoying when we worked out(several parents helped me) that 1 class had 5 of the boys together and it was similar for the girls.
I did contact the school and asked why that was, that with his issues that had been sorted in that way. I didn't care who he was with just another lad he knew so he felt comfortable and give them their due, they quickly sorted it for both our fs and the girl and apologised as it shouldn't have happened.

Things can be difficult to sort, or an oversight but I think it's important to point out, (not complain) the importance to ensure communication is clear so children are aware and that the expectations are followed correctly.

Cool story but that means you have a lot of time on your hands. I did two trips a year (one residential) and totally didnt have time to check every signle time Jenny or Ophelia or Jack were in their friendship groups at all times, and sometimes it was impossible to sort out for ooms, activities, coaches etc, and we had a lot of 'could this be changes'- sorry, no. Sometimes kids have to be in groups with not just their friends and they have to live with it and they and the parents cant be thowing tantrums over it.

Perhaps she didn't get the part because she has opportunities out of school that other children don't?

That's not what I said. I didn't suggest we could sort rooms and groups to everyone's satisfaction all the time. I was responding specifically to a poster who said teachers don't have time ti listen to parental concerns about their child's well being and to try and boost their self esteem/confidence. Which is offensive nonsense - that's a pretty major part of our job!

I can see both sides.
However, if I had to listen to every parental concern thay may have, Id still be in school until now (Sunday afternoon) after finishing on Friday.
My school has 1200 children, I bet many parents have stuff to say and we have to draw a line somewhere. Imagine every parent emailed us about their child's friendship issues or the fact they had 'a hard week' (as per OP) and needed a bit of a boost. You'd literally have no time to teach youd be so busy reading replying and then boosting chilren''s egos.
I get what you say and in an ideal world you would have three clones of yourself to sort out wellbeing of every child. But it's not an ideal world, I am one, I teach 120-150 kids a day 5 days a week and I have my own kids I like to spend time with too. Some thing needs reporting, and some do not. My parents had not spoken to any of my teachers over the years of primary and secondary school with one exception of vile bullying I experienced. For years before emails kicked in, parents didnt run to school with every minor "X's friend was not very nice this week but they had to do pairwork", "A felt a bit down this week because her best friend was in a different group for whatever and she missed out on being the main in a schol show on top of that". Come on.
I think your own expectations that this is what we should do is very damaging to the profession. Some suff just needs to be sorted out by kids and their parents rather than teachers whose main job is, you know, to teach.

But surely you aren't pastorally responsible for 120-150 children? I teach the whole school (1 lesson a week subject) but I only regularly communicate with parents of my tutor group. So it's much more manageable. I definitely agree that no one person can handle the welfare of 150 kids! But that's a major purpose of tutor groups.

I communicate with both my form group and students in classes, plus gazillions of emails when we do trips, plus some as I have a responsability in the subject. Some I just dont even bother to reply to, because I think parents are taking a piss.
Some kids had to change sets. Poor Megan has been feeling low and her aunt has been feeling a bit unwell and she cant possibly be away from all of her friends at this trying time as they proivide support.
Not got in the room for the trip with the exact people he mentioned? Little Jack's parents want to pull him off the trip as he now feels unsafe- feel free, sorry to hear but deposit non refundable.
Mimi hasn't seen the notification about the test so prefared nothing at all, she would like to retake after school in her and my free time as she had spent an afternoon crying about her low score (oh well, lesson learned).
Tom got a detention from his Science teacher but he told his parents the teacher confused him with some totally different looking kid (as they do), which they expect ME to sort out with the said teacher. I didnt, Tom sat the detention.

Don't get me wrong, I DO care about kids and want them to enjoy lessons and feel safe. But I also am refusing to be constantly contactable, being 100% responsible for kids wellbeing, and believe resilience is a pretty amazing gift we can give them as a school, and there is a difference between someone who genuinely struggles and me running and sorting out every little things kids absolutely can live with but would prefer not to.

Bugger that, I left teaching for a few years and I could not believe how shitty things got and how much responsibility has been put on the profession (by some teachers as well with a wrongly understood idea of what the job actually should be) over the last years.

OP's daughter's teacher organised a gigantic trip and OP rather than thanking them moans that her daughter was not fully accomodated and that she got a minor role in a play (together with two dozens or more of other kids as well!)- and this somehow in her eyes mean the teacher is persecuting her. Jesus wept.

Don’t be one of those parents.

”child, why would they have something against you? I’m sure everyone had times of not being with friends. You had a good time, now let’s move on”.

Be on the schools side. It’ll do your daughter good.