To mention something to school?

[HappyFrappy]

My DD age 11 has had a really tough week at school.

First was the post SATS PGL trip, for which they were told to write down the names of 5 kids they'd like in their bedroom, and 5 kids they'd like in their activity group. They were told they couldn't expect to be with all of them, but we're guaranteed to be with ine. When she got to PGL, she found that she was in a room with her BFF (hooray!) but the other kids were all from another class (and happened to be quite difficult).
None of her requested friends were in her activity group, and she was with a duo and trio who had chosen to be together, so she felt really left out. Her 5 friends all happened to be in the same group without her.

Then today they were given their parts for the play, and she has a really minor role. I guess someone had to do the role, and maybe her audition wasn't great, but she said it had been good and I know she is capable. She's so upset (not to mention exhausted after PGL!) and really feels like the teacher is against her - I guess the grouping was just an oversight, and maybe the play role deserved, but it is so hard to see her so gutted after 2 things she was really looking forward to.

Should I mention any of it to the school? It's not like they can do anything now. But it feels like this has really cast a shadow over her experience of year 6. Grateful for any advice.

Life is tough. She needs to learn that. This might be a good time to teach this to her instead of swooping in and creating the illusion that she’s not going to have similar issues in the future. She needs grit and resilience and what you’re proposing is going to give her the opposite.

Excellent reply!!
it sucks to be a mom when your kid’s unhappy (OF COURSE it does!!) but a wee step back & this reply will help.

Check the wording… Newsletter/PGL info letters will no doubt say “do our best to”.
it’s a logistical nightmare with a million considerations & needs to consider

I work in a school but im not a Teacher and I do not work in Year 6.

I always feel for Year 6 staff this time of year, they are on their knees. With SATs, the Residential trip, organising end of year celebrations and assemblies, putting on a production, dealing with requests for transition info from primary schools on top of everything else they usually have to do they are working crazy hours. I get to school at 7.30am and I can guarantee the entire Year 6 team are already in (and clearly have been for a while) when I arrive and they're still in school however late I leave in the evenings. They will be writing reports over half term.

A couple of schools locally have stopped doing a Year 6 residential trip and moved to a day trip instead, purely because parental expectations and the ensuing complaints have made the whole thing a massive logistical headache. Staff don't get paid to attend these trips, or for the many extra hours it takes to organise them. There are many factors that have to be considered aside from friendships when sorting groups, staff genuinely spend hours afterschool trying to make it 'fair'. It's getting harder to persuade staff to volunteer their time to organise and go on trips and I can totally see why.

I guess what I'm trying to say OP is that your DD's disappointment, whilst understandably at the forefront of your mind at the moment, is a drop in the ocean for her Teacher. They are busy organising end of year activities for Year 6 and putting together a production, on top of dealing with all the usual safeguarding concerns, behaviour incidents, trying to support pupils with various SEND needs. In their shoes, if I recieved a "polite" or "gentle" note about a trip that has already happened, or a child not being happy with a part in the school play that has already been cast, I would not have the headspace to do anything other than briefly feel shit about it, then move on to the next task on my ever-growing to do list.

If teachers are getting complaints every year about school play roles, maybe it's time to do something different. As a parent I really resent the amount of class time that is given over to school plays where my children are doing very little. What other area of the curriculum would that be acceptable? Would it be acceptable for a teacher to prep 3 or 4 children for a public maths competition in class time whilst everyone else sits around doing a basic sum if they are lucky?

What is the purpose of a school play? Given it is part of the school curriculum surely it should be educational for all. If parts were more equitable, teachers would most likely get less complaints and more children would be given the opportunity to improve their drama skills. I hate to break it to some of you but primary school plays are usually pretty torturous to watch, whether there are 3 or 4 kids hamming it up on stage for 90% of the time or when roles are distributed more evenly.

I know children are selected for team sports, but that doesn't usually involve all the other children and parents having to sit round and watch them. They generally all take part in PE lessons and the children are selected to take part after school.

I suspect school will have said something like we’ll try and ensure they are with one friend. She was with one friend in her room.
We do same with guides - they name 3 friends and we say we’ll try and ensure with one. It’s so hard logistically especially if room sizes change. Some mums are very pushy. Some kids no one puts. Factoring in Additional needs and some are not a good combo together it’s a logistical nightmare.
I know a yr 6 teacher just back from 4 days away, only one parent said thank you from full class.

I was always so grateful to teachers taking my children away on residential experiences. They extend the teachers' working day by hours, they return to school and spend the weekend recovering! The logistics of planning, organising, carrying out risk analysis etc etc are nothing to compare to putting the children into groups! I agree with the other posters who talked about teaching your child resilience. Children need to learn that they can't always get what they want, but they do always need to find a way to get on with others. The school play is another issue that actually demonstrates that many children feel entitled to always come out on top. Does she really think the teacher would not want the best & most suitable pupils for the main part(s), remember the teacher's reputation is on the line here.

Totally agree. Sounds like sour grapes and not feeling like somehow someone else is to blame because she didn’t get what she wanted.

OP the fact your think this is even worth bringing to the school suggests you don’t understand that building resilience is far more importnat than complaining you didnt get what you wanted.

Nothing you have said is at all worth complaining about - thats life. Academy award winning actors miss out on roles all the time and because you believe she is capable your daughter should have been given a bigger role? What about all the other kids with bigger roles who practised and auditioned and got those roles? Should they be taken from them?

Honestly this is very entitled and you aren’t helping your daughter to work harder next time and practise more to aim for a bigger role. She got her bestie in her room but her activity group didn't have her circle and you complain. Ridiculous.

We don't always get what we want in life.

That's life.

Life is a series of lessons to learn from, become resilient, resourceful, develop perseverance.

Look at the current school generation.....parents are failing them.

Guys, this was weeks ago, I listened to the advice, haven't mentioned anything and the school trip is a distant (bad!) memory for her now.

The play roles have been sorted now and that's that - she is just going through the boredom of watching rehearsals she's not in much, but someone had to.

From talking to her, the worst bit of the trip was one difficult girl in her room rather than no one she chose in her activity group (which was the icing on the cake of her non enjoyment of the trip!). And again, someone had to be in that room. The bit I'd have talked about was ensuring the 'promise' to be with someone she chose in the activity group had been kept, and that wasn't the biggest thing to her anyway it turns out.

Anyway in summary, I listened, I got a new perspective your views, and she is getting more resilient rather than happier as yr 6 comes to an end, which might stand her in good stead for life, even as it helps her look forward to leaving more! No need for more advice on the topic.

The problem with resilience is if teachers think you are resilient then they can put you anywhere and you will put up and shut up. You become the easy option

Whilst resilience has its place there is a fine line between Resilience and Doormat

We can't always get what we want OP. Your child doesn't decide if her audition was good. Don't be that insufferable parent. U risk alienating the school, but worse, creating a potential brat.

Thanks BCBird, if you look at the update you'll see I listened when others told me that in the summer.

She's now in yr 7, so I don't think there's be any reason to talk to anyone about it now even if I hadn't been persuaded, though I am getting nervous as her yr 5 sister's trip gets closer that she too will feel let down if, as promised, she isn't in the same group as one of her friends.

But this really is a closed topic, no need to reply.