To mention something to school?

[HappyFrappy]

My DD age 11 has had a really tough week at school.

First was the post SATS PGL trip, for which they were told to write down the names of 5 kids they'd like in their bedroom, and 5 kids they'd like in their activity group. They were told they couldn't expect to be with all of them, but we're guaranteed to be with ine. When she got to PGL, she found that she was in a room with her BFF (hooray!) but the other kids were all from another class (and happened to be quite difficult).
None of her requested friends were in her activity group, and she was with a duo and trio who had chosen to be together, so she felt really left out. Her 5 friends all happened to be in the same group without her.

Then today they were given their parts for the play, and she has a really minor role. I guess someone had to do the role, and maybe her audition wasn't great, but she said it had been good and I know she is capable. She's so upset (not to mention exhausted after PGL!) and really feels like the teacher is against her - I guess the grouping was just an oversight, and maybe the play role deserved, but it is so hard to see her so gutted after 2 things she was really looking forward to.

Should I mention any of it to the school? It's not like they can do anything now. But it feels like this has really cast a shadow over her experience of year 6. Grateful for any advice.

So she had her best friend in her room and you are still moaninig about it, Jesus wept. Go and organise a school trip yourself and coordinate dozens of kids all of whom (and their parents) have a wishlist longer than an arm. Tell us how it went, all the best.
And then do a play and have 20 larents moan some more their little darlings didnt get the main roles.

Maybe none of the other girls put her down? Maybe only the best friend? Honestly OP it’s a nightmare to sort rooms for staff. It’s the worst part of the organisation.
it’s unpaid and exhausting. See how tired your daughter is - her teacher is like that times 10 as she will have had very little sleep. She deserves a thank you rather than a criticism.

As for the school play your DD doesn’t deserve a place over others because she is your DD.

The problem with what you said @miniaturepixieonacid is that there will be many keen children and why should the roles go to parents who are moaning. I did a trip last year and actually after a few ridiculous complaints from a few parents (who wants to be in room woth whom, they wanted to bag certain activities as there was meant to be a selection on of the days from a bunch). I made sure that the schedule was made so fairly the moany parents and kids were the least advantaged. I really dont give a crap about people who think that sending a 'keen' email they should be given advantage over quiet ones.

OP's kid and her need resilience, being in a room with her best friend is not what Id call 'a tough week'.

It’s a shame she didn’t enjoy PGL despite not being with her besties. Don’t they all know each other though? It’s a primary school so I can’t imagine there were that many kids on the trip that she wasn’t with someone who she knows/plays with . A good opportunity to prepare her for secondary, where we’re often not able to be with our besties but can still have a good time.
School play - as you say, someone has to have the smaller parts, it’s the way it goes.
I wouldn’t mention either. You can sympathise with your child, provide space for her to vent, but ultimately reassure her that the play will be great fun for them all and there’ll be lots of opportunities at secondary school to join in with things.

Perfect response.
and when she goes to secondary school and isn’t put with her best friend…or potentially any friend, you need to be the strong person and reassure her that everything will be ok

I'm going to go against the majority here and say maybe do speak to the teacher, but not to complain about the things you've mentioned. Instead just catch her at drop off and mention that your daughter's confidence is a bit knocked at the moment and she's a little down, just so the teacher can keep half an eye on her, or understand why she might be a little out of sorts. You can't expect anything more than that.

Agree.

I also have DC unhappy with their given role in the play. But it is what it is. School cannot give everyone big roles, in all year 6 productions there are lots of roles so they can fit in as many kids as possible but obviously a lot are small roles.

Er, no??

What will it serve? Apart from making you look like one of those parents??

Believe me, the teacher doesn't have time for this.

Sorry for your daughter OP.

I agree with others in part, these experiences may assist with resilience. Maybe reframe it a little eg that although it feels a bit rubbish it is a good experience for when she goes to high school as she won’t always be with her friends and other children might not have had the chance to develop this resilience, almost like gives her a little head start.

I would also mention to school. Not in a blaming stance but for clarity re the activity groups eg it may be your daughter has misunderstood or that it was an oversight, either could be explained to your daughter to help her process it all. Equally explaining to the teacher that she is feeling delicate and low at the moment may enable them to keep a closer eye on her, praise her more or offer some nurturing support.

this. totally.

we all think our DC are the best and of course they are to us. but they really aren't to others. I say this with kindness.

say nothing to the school. you will just make yourself look really silly. and she's going to senior school soon anyway so what does it matter. what on earth do you think saying something will achieve?

These things are all about how YOU react to them . I am a teacher and a mum of 5 and it is something I have learned over the years .
I think the fact that you are posting about this shows it has really upset you .
And I get it, I was the same with my first child !

But our kids learn how to cope with setbacks and disappointments from us . They also pick up on whether or not WE are sad / disappointed for them .

I think I would model resilience by chatting with your daughter and explaining the rationale behind the decisions ( she had her best pal on the trip , not everyone can get the best parts ). And move on .

Pgl trip is done, chalk it up to experience. But tbh doesnt sound that bad... She's likely to come across greater hardships in life. Anyway not sure what mentioning too the school would achieve?

Ditto the play, the kids can't all get the part they want. Life is unfair.

Building resilience is likely to benefit her more in the long run.

Yeah, it has upset me, so as you say, I should work on my own resilience and try to encourage it more in her.

I guess what I'm hoping it will achieve is that the teacher pays a bit more attention to ensuring everyone has one of their list in each group (as allegedly promised) next year, so that DD2 isn't in the same boat as her sister. Because it has really upset her, when all the comms from school are about how everyone has had a wonderful time - and that's not the whole truth.

But I guess it's more likely that the school will double down on having to balance needs etc and not really change anything so perhaps it's pointless. And everything will feel better after some more sleep and half term I'm sure.

Thank you for the constructive remarks, and especially for the sympathy.

Doesn’t she only have six weeks left at school now?

I’ve been the teacher sorting rooms and groups on school trips and it is really complicated. Especially if some friends all put each other and some were left out.

Once sorting form groups, everyone was asked to write three names of friends. There was one girl in the whole year who didn’t make it onto any list. And then when we were arranging a social trip her Dad phoned and gave me an earful that socials were a waste of time and why should he fork out money for a social? I was so tempted to tell him. Of course I did not.

She was in a room with her best friend - win! Typically Y6 plays are designed so everyone gets their moment in the spotlight. Usually about three to four lead roles, then a fairly even distribution of lines. Nothing to mention here.

Instead of complaining you could thank the teachers for taking the dc on a trip instead.

No I wouldn’t mention it. She was in a room her her best mate which is the most important thing. It looks like school tried to accommodate. Plus not everyone can have a key role in plays. I think this is just a life lesson she has to gently learn.

My response to this situation would be to ask myself what action can I take that will have the best, long-term impact on my child. For me, my answer would be that this is an opportunity to support your child to develop her own agency and power over her life. Things happen that are not what we would want; it is not these things in themselves that cause happiness or unhappiness but, instead, it is a combination of our expectations and our responses that create this happiness or unhappiness. Framing and (re)framing have a very practical part to play in this (as my now adult daughter reminds me when I'm grumbling about feeling badly done to).

The opportunity to sleep in a room with a best friend (giving some lovely connection at bedtime, which can be a challenging time on residential) combined with doing daytime activities with children who are less familiar is a perfect opportunity to practise getting to know people better and learning to deal with different personalities - excellent preparation for secondary school and later life.

In relation to the school play, there may be many reasons why different children get different parts. I remember when I was 8 or 9, I did not get the lead role in a play my Brownie pack was putting on. At the time, I couldn't understand it as I knew my audition was great and I would have given a confident performance. I was given an extremely minor role. I subsequently realised that I wasn't given the lead part because it wouldn't have developed me - I could have done it in my sleep - but the girl who did get the lead role was a very shy girl who developed greatly through rising to the challenge. My very minor role did develop me in areas where I could learn something - humility and the concept of the greater good over personal success.

In my view, if you miss the opportunities this situation is giving you to develop, as several others have identified, your daughter's resilience, you are also denying her the opportunity to develop power over her own responses to life's situations. A child who is supported to learn that it is not the externalities of life that create happiness, peace and satisfaction but, rather, it is our ability to manage our responses to these externalities and see the learning opportunities within, is the child that will be happier in the long term.

Please do not talk to the teachers. This is missing the point of your child's life experiences and is denying her the opportunity to grow up to be the arbiter of her own happiness.

What would you be mentioning to the school exactly?

I've been that year 6 teacher with post it notes and names for the residential spread out over 4 desks trying to make everyone happy. Hours spent trying to put groups together, or not put kids together as the case may be. The reality of PGL is that the instructors and teachers do their very best to make sure no-one is left out during activities. I think you could mention it. But also ask what your daughter did enjoy.

The school play? Also many factors that go in to it. But I'd let the teacher know she's feeling a bit disappointed and ask if they could encourage and support her. At this point PGL + Play + Post SATs , she's probably absolutely knackered and feeling a bit flat in general. See how half term goes.

As an aside, my year 6 has just been given the lead role in the school play. Nobody expected this. Not me, not the teachers and not the usual lead role who has been very vocal that it should've been him. What nobody (apart from us parents) saw was him going and finding the songs, learning the audition lines and being so dedicated in pursuit of the part. Sometimes it happens.

Just adding, this time of year must be exhausting for Y6 teachers. They have got kids through SATS (if that is still a thing), done the secondary prep, organised and supervised residentials, and are now putting on a school play, plus there will be sports days, maybe concerts, leavers ceremonies etc. Rather than picking fault, try and enjoy these final milestone weeks, and encourage your DD to look for the positives rather than nitpick the negatives.

She got to share with her best friend - wasn't that wonderful.

She may be the center of your universe but she is not the center of the teacher's universe.

the trip is over, she didn't come home with any injuries / she didn't phone home every night in hysterics missing you / she shared with her best friend.

She is going to ' big ' school in 3 months, you won't be contacting teachers over friendship groups etc. - will you.

Hmmmm I would send a gentle note to the teachers thinking of next year, and just say 'Just wanted to let you know DD found the activities at PGL tough as she wasn't with any of her selected friends and the other kids in her group were in friendship groups. I am talking to her about the importance of resilience and am sure this will be a teachable moment, however I wanted to make you aware for next year as I understand it wasn't your intention for any children to be in a group with none of their friends.'

I would raise it because for years my primary school ran a trip that only 15 out of 30 kids could go on. The names were allegedly drawn out of a hat but year after year all of the teachers pets were chosen plus a couple of other kids that likely were genuinely drawn out of a hat. Parents across the board complained in my year which got the event changed to something the whole class could participate in - much fairer and more inclusive. Sometimes it is worth raising your voice in a polite way.