Husband too defensive of SIL

[birdsfeather]

DH and I have been married for about 5 years. Since before we were even married, DH seemed strangely close to his brother's wife. At first I thought nothing of this, until I met her. SIL is the ultimate "mean girl." She is in love with herself, brags about everything, especially things she knows she has that I may not, constantly looking for flattery from both her husband and mine, and since the day I met her pretends I am not in the room. She won't speak to me or eye contact but only talks to the men, like she is holding court with how adorable she is. She is very spoiled. She grew up with money and refused to work a day in her life, even before kids. She is an expert at making little comments and jabs at me that the men are completely oblivious to and then sitting with a satisfied smile while I silently stew. They are literally completely oblivious of everything about her.

DH did nothing but sing her praises from before I even met her, and I kept my opinions about her to myself for the first couple years of our marriage, even when visit after visit, she exhibited this nasty behavior. Less than a week after I found out I was pregnant (and having some early complications), DH jumped on a plane to go support SIL when her father died. Since the day I have met him, he calls her family "his family" and it took years before I got him to understand that her family are his brother's in-laws, and even then he was only able to consider this as a possibility when I asked, "Well, does your brother consider my parents to be HIS family?" His brother expects my husband to drop everything when his wife has some new drama good or bad, but I/we have had our own problems (health scares, pet deaths, etc) over the years and we have never looked to the brother for any sort of sympathy or support, nor would he be bothered to offer it. When we had our first child, DH did not get me flowers but a year later, when his brother's wife had their first baby, he sent her flowers to the hospital. I was furious and at this point, I let my feelings be known. It all came out and caused a huge argument. DH absolutely doesn't see my side of this, thinks so highly of his brother's wife, scoffed when I gave examples of nasty things SIL has said, and refused to even consider the validity of my feelings until I finally said that I refused to spend any more time with this woman. That he can see them on his own.

Now his entire family hates me, because of course, SIL was the original wife and I am the one who shunned their little darling. Her husband adores her and clearly, mine does too! She can do NO wrong in their eyes. DH and I have had a strained marriage in general, and it's so upsetting to me that she is Miss Perfect in his eyes while I am the person he argues with. A large part of the source of our arguments is that he has accused me of having such a problem with his family, when I am simply responding to the way I have been treated by them! I have expressed countless times how excited I was to finally get a sister/SIL, only to feel like I was shunned from day one, but DH views it as me vs his family and by his family, he means his brother's wife, too. I just feel like they made me the outcast and my DH has not helped matters.

Her personality aside, she has endless dramas big and small, and each time, brother and/or MIL calls my DH who is expected to abandon his own family (me and DC) to rush to the side of his brother's wife. The few times DH has pushed back, they give him hell.

I don't think this is normal at all. But ultimately it's your H who's the problem, because if he had your back, it wouldn't matter too much how SIL and the in-laws behaved.

You could try couples' counselling. There's a chance it would help your H to realise that his family dynamic is rather odd and dysfunctional and his own priorities are wrong. Or, you could cut your losses and move on.

This is all in the OP's posts. They don't like her and don't treat her well from her own account in said posts.

I have told him many times I think he is in love with her, and he just resorts back to the usual argument of me not being able to accept or love "his family."

If you believe that, why in earth are you with him and having kids with him?

Your self-esteem must be through the floor to stick it out with someone who prefers and loves someone else.

Do yourself a favour and find the dignity to leave the relationship.

Fuck the lot of them. You said your marriage is rocky, this situation is going to make it worse. You are married to a cunt struck fool who is deluded enough to think he is part of this golden circle he imagines surrounds this woman. Spouses should have your back-he doesn’t.

Yeah, I cosign this. He was like that before you got married did you expect him to change?

To clarify, I had been in hospital twice in the week I had found out about my pregnancy and doctors were telling me to expect a miscarriage "at any moment." He got on a plane to attend his brother's wife's father's funeral. There would have been hell if he hadn't from his entire family.

There is no cultural dynamic here. I agree that DH must take action for himself, but his entire family has put enormous pressure on him to constantly orbit the brother and SIL's world and it's like they cannot adjust to DH now having his own family. BIL made it extremely clear that DH was not just needed there, but EXPECTED, and that him not showing up would be unforgiveable.

We were also expected to leave our 2 month old baby at home for a weekend to attend the SIL's brother's child-free wedding out of town. DH couldn't understand that we had an infant, etc, because his entire family puts these expectations on him. Again, this wasn't for his family, but for his brother's in-laws.

The relationship with DH and his brother is very one-sided but DH is extremely protective of his brother. When BIL and SIL lost a pet, we sent a card and DH called. When our dog died, not a word. Everything is about BIL and SIL.

I really looked forward to having a relationship with SIL, especially since DH spoke so highly of her. But from the beginning she made it clear how she felt about me. She didn't even bother to come to my hen night. They were in town so the guys could go out the same weekend and SIL chose to sit in the hotel by herself saying she was tired. I didn't make a fuss and DH and BIL didn't care. I suspect if the situation were reversed, the entire family would be thinking the worst of me. My BIL certainly would have been outraged.

You can't force someone to love you, @birdsfeather. Painfully, this is where you're at: your husband's in love with someone else. On top of that, he's enmeshed with his mother - who also loves this someone else more than you.

I keep deleting suggestions of snarky little games you could play, because they would ultimately be pointless. (You might want to start referring to DH, SIL & BIL as "The Throuple" anyway, just for the hell of it.) Your only real choices are to divorce or accept a role as Number Two.

How are you fixed financially?

Your DH needs to grow some balls but won't happen. He's living his life through his family.

He bought her flowers when she had a baby and didn't get you any when you had a baby? Wow, that is shocking! To be honest OP I wouldn’t stay with a man who is behaving like a love sick teenager over his brother’s wife. It’s humiliating and very disrespectful towards you.

Just read your last update. This marriage in untenable because he will always put his family and their expectations before you, regardless of the sil. They sound an entitled, domineering nightmare.

It's pretty obvious your husband prioritizes SIL over you and his family encourages it. The time you've spent with him is sunk cost and you'd be better off splitting up than living with someone who will never ever put you first. You're like a low tier sister wife and your SIL calls the shots. This dynamic is not going to change. Your marriage is a sham.

Get a job if you don't have one and get a lawyer consult and line up your ducks.

Voted YABU as you married a man who prioritised another family whilst ignoring multiple red flags.

Your DH isn't going to change so you can either suck it up or leave him.

This gets worse with every post.

To those who assumed that the pregnancy complications were minor, clearly they weren't.

Sadly for you @birdsfeather, your DH cares for your SIL far more than he cares for you. He is utterly enmeshed in this unhealthy family dynamic too. I don't think you have a lot of good options here. You could try to persuade him to have some couples therapy with a really good therapist but, ultimately, you may well just need to leave them to it.

Just to be clear, I meant leave him and therefore leave them all to their strange behaviours.

I don’t know why you didn’t run for the hills at the start of all this? Personally I wouldn’t spend a lifetime of being made to feel insignificant by my own husband, never mind his crazy family.

The whole family sound awful, including your DH. His behaviour would repulse me. He puts his birth family first above his own wife and child. He left you possibly miscarrying his child to fly to attend his brother's father-in-laws funeral? I wouldn't have been able to forgive that.

Did you leave your two month old baby to attend SIL's brother's wedding or did you put your foot down?

I’m afraid you need to leave. He’s not going to untangle from the enmeshment. You and your child come after his brother, his SIL and his mother.

You deserve someone to out you first. Who actually wants to put you first and notices when you’re being ignored or insulted.

She's a mean girl but here you are slagging off the whole of your DHs family on Mumsnet!

😮 This is absolutely horrific behaviour. Please PLEASE show your DH this thread so he can see how awful his behaviour is.

Imagine leaving your wife potentially miscarrying - a traumatic life event for anyone and a medical emergency in some cases - to go to your brother's FIL funeral. That's just awful, what a horrible person he is.

The more you post, I think you honestly just need to call time on the relationship. He's not a kind or good person and he's very unlikely to change.

No. Your DH is the big problem.

Please don't show your DH this thread, Op. Keep it as your safe space.

I experienced this with my ex husband, except it was his married first cousin. They were only a month apart in age and grown up together and his mother and her mother were sisters. He glorified her as did his mother. Turned out he’d been shagging her when we met and this carried on for months until he asked her to leave her husband and she wouldn’t. So he married me. He even suggested her as a godmother when I was pregnant. He stupidly gave me an old phone to use while on maternity leave and there were all the texts confirming it and when I confronted him they were still sexting and bitching about their partners.

We went to couples counselling and he insisted she was “family” and came first and he could do what he liked. Turned out his parents knew and his mother wanted him to leave me for her to “keep it in the family”.

i just don’t feel you can fight against this kind of thinking. I’m not saying your husband has had an affair with SIL but to them she is “family” and you are not. They will never see it. He chooses you and the DCs or loses you. Sadly I think he’ll choose her AKA “family”.

Are you serious? The OP is desperate for some support and reassurance because she receives none from her own DH. That's not mean, it's sad.

OP doesn't want her in laws to mention these events in her life, it seems. I drove home a 5 hour round trip from a family holiday to attend the funeral of my sister in law's father. It didn't occur to me not to go!

You’ve pointed out the inequality in his treatment of you and her and he still doesn’t accept it. In that basis he’ll never change and he’ll never prioritise you. You need to ask yourself if you’re willing to continue being second best for the rest of your life.

That's up to you if you were very close to them but it's hardly the same as leaving your DW bleeding in hospital and likely to miscarry. Would you bugger off on a plane, leaving your sick partner to miscarry your child as well?