Husband too defensive of SIL

[birdsfeather]

DH and I have been married for about 5 years. Since before we were even married, DH seemed strangely close to his brother's wife. At first I thought nothing of this, until I met her. SIL is the ultimate "mean girl." She is in love with herself, brags about everything, especially things she knows she has that I may not, constantly looking for flattery from both her husband and mine, and since the day I met her pretends I am not in the room. She won't speak to me or eye contact but only talks to the men, like she is holding court with how adorable she is. She is very spoiled. She grew up with money and refused to work a day in her life, even before kids. She is an expert at making little comments and jabs at me that the men are completely oblivious to and then sitting with a satisfied smile while I silently stew. They are literally completely oblivious of everything about her.

DH did nothing but sing her praises from before I even met her, and I kept my opinions about her to myself for the first couple years of our marriage, even when visit after visit, she exhibited this nasty behavior. Less than a week after I found out I was pregnant (and having some early complications), DH jumped on a plane to go support SIL when her father died. Since the day I have met him, he calls her family "his family" and it took years before I got him to understand that her family are his brother's in-laws, and even then he was only able to consider this as a possibility when I asked, "Well, does your brother consider my parents to be HIS family?" His brother expects my husband to drop everything when his wife has some new drama good or bad, but I/we have had our own problems (health scares, pet deaths, etc) over the years and we have never looked to the brother for any sort of sympathy or support, nor would he be bothered to offer it. When we had our first child, DH did not get me flowers but a year later, when his brother's wife had their first baby, he sent her flowers to the hospital. I was furious and at this point, I let my feelings be known. It all came out and caused a huge argument. DH absolutely doesn't see my side of this, thinks so highly of his brother's wife, scoffed when I gave examples of nasty things SIL has said, and refused to even consider the validity of my feelings until I finally said that I refused to spend any more time with this woman. That he can see them on his own.

Now his entire family hates me, because of course, SIL was the original wife and I am the one who shunned their little darling. Her husband adores her and clearly, mine does too! She can do NO wrong in their eyes. DH and I have had a strained marriage in general, and it's so upsetting to me that she is Miss Perfect in his eyes while I am the person he argues with. A large part of the source of our arguments is that he has accused me of having such a problem with his family, when I am simply responding to the way I have been treated by them! I have expressed countless times how excited I was to finally get a sister/SIL, only to feel like I was shunned from day one, but DH views it as me vs his family and by his family, he means his brother's wife, too. I just feel like they made me the outcast and my DH has not helped matters.

Why would you marry and have children with a man who prioritises his brothers wife?

That is so weird.
Divorce him.

Get therapy.
Why would you put yourself through this?

Did you not even manage to read @birdsfeather first post?

Depends on the complications. I know unless it was really serious I'd want my husband to be there for his brothers family when an immediate family member passed away.
Totally normal in my family to buy flowers for others bit not your own partner when babies are born

You don't find it odd that the OP's DH jets off on a plane to support his SIL, who has her own husband and other family members when his own wife has just found out that she is pregnant and is having complications? Several people seem to be hung up on the flowers thing and managing to entirely miss the point that this 'DH' is showing far more concern and kindness towards his SIL, who has a husband, than towards his own wife. The sort of dynamics mentioned are totally abnormal.

It isn't an immediate family member though is it. It's his brother's father in law. Immediate is first degree.

Some cultures there is a hierarchy of daughters in law as well based on seniority

SIL sounds awful but in reality she's a distraction from something else.

You can't change your DH's relationship with his DB or his SIL, you are going to need to try and focus on your marriage and find some way to ignore SIL, DB and PIL etc, they aren't worth the stress you are putting yourself through.

Best way to do this is occupy yourself with other things and just let the crap wash over you when you are in the same room. I do this with difficult relatives and it takes the sting out of it, also when they see you aren't seething it becomes less interesting for them to do.

Focus on what you want from your family life and DH. If you're marriage isn't great, sorry if I've got that wrong but it seems you're having a few struggles, and decide if you want to make it better.

There is one thing for sure, your DH won't change his view on DB and SIL so stop trying to make him and see if that helps improve things for you.

Really!

It's an immediate family member of his brothers family. Maybe it's an Irish thing but I don't find it odd at all. Depends on the severity of the complications though, although I have the sense if it was serious it would have been mentioned in a bit more detail.

Have you tried calling her out?

When we were financially struggling at one point, she made it a point to name drop and list the price of everything she was wearing or buying, and the men would sit there oblivious.

“Seems a bit insensitive to go on about how expensive all your stuff is when you know we’re having money problems.” Evenly, with no drama in your voice.

To be honest OP, I couldn't think of living the rest of my life like this. You have already said he can see them without you. the next time he abandons you and the DC to rush to his SiL's rescue, I would tell him to take his suitcase because he won't be welcome when he comes back.
See what he makes to that.

Sorry but I don't think its normal at all as my brothers FIL is not my immediate family. I would offer my condolences and if care was needed with looking after kids whilst arrangements were made, we (me and my spouse) would support them, but no, I wouldn't get on a plane if my brothers Father in Law died even if my wife wasn't pregnant. In fact I would say that's intrusive as SIL needs time to grieve and its for her husband to console her, not her BIL. That's just WEIRD. I'd be freaked by that too.

If you you give your SIL flowers for birthing a child then you surely give your wife some when she gives birth. Double standards other wise.

Or if she’s alone with you gloats about something again, “God, I wish you would all just get on and have your weird incestuous threesome so I could have some time to myself.”

Admittedly, I'm not Irish but I'm pretty sure it isn't an Irish thing to neglect your own wife and prioritise your SIL, especially if she is regularly unpleasant to your own wife. A husband/wife's top priority should be to their own spouse and children.
The what is close family thing may well vary depending on the culture, Irish or otherwise. For most white Brits, I don't think the in laws of a sibling would be considered close.

She had only just known she was pregnant for a week.

You’re a second class citizen in this family by the sounds of it OP, have a think about how you want your life to look

I doubt he thinks of her as family, unless his family is particularly incestuous. He's in love with her. She's the love of his life, I suspect.

I wouldn't expect flowers from my DH after giving birth, it is our baby. We buy gifts for others who have a baby but not each other.

Would your sister drop everything in her and her DH's life if your DH lost his dad and fly to see him? Would your parents ring to update your DSis about events in your DH's life but ignore similar events in your BiL's? Would your sister hang on your DH's every word and ignore her own DH? If so your dynamic is similarly weird.

If she’s been 10 years in the family, maybe he also knows the father in law and rest of the family?

Knowing his brother's in laws isn't a reason to neglect his own wife.

I agree this is key. How are you treated as a family unit by your husband’s side of the family. Who do you go to for support. What is his relationship like with your family? Do his parents get on with your parents?

I'd want my husband to be there for his brothers family when an immediate family member passed away.

Thats really not usual, unless you live in a small village, and you’ve all been friends and / or neighbours for years.

And he may well know his brothers FIL, I know my brother and sisters PIL, we see each other at family gatherings, but they are not MY immediate family.

I will concede that occasionally you may develop a strong relationship, as in my own Mum is now best friends with my sisters MIL and when sisters FIL died we discreetly gave support where needed but the expectation is that the IMMEDIATE family are the gatekeepers to that.

OP gave quite a few clear examples of it, but even worse, she provided many that her husband does neithe rlove her nor sees her as family despite being her husband.