Is it me, or are these friends exploiting us?

[JohnPrescottsPyjamas]

Posted before about this couple who sold their house and wanted to stay in our place whilst we were away on holiday.

We’ve been friends for several years. Great company, charming people, but incredibly disorganised and unable to prioritise their life - not our problem, except they have a habit of offloading their crises onto those around them. Everything is always left to the last minute and I don’t know how they do it, but they manage to get a freebie off someone or get everyone running around after them, whether it’s a friend of a friend offering holiday accommodation, a cheap decorator or last minute dog sitter etc etc. For example, DH ended up doing an exceptionally long airport run for them recently because they didn’t want to take their car, the more convenient local airport didn’t fly on a day that suited them (it was to another freebie overseas apartment) and the lift was presented to him as, “are you still ok to take us to……” which he felt obliged to do as he said he honestly couldn’t remember agreeing to, but felt he couldn’t let them down! No offer of petrol etc, just bought DH a coffee and a cake.

They sold their house, have made a nice profit, now cash buyers and looking to downsize, but they have have not planned where they were going to live, refuse to pay for a short term rental and are essentially sofa surfing until they find somewhere to buy. They’ve dropped great big hints suggesting they could stay with us for around a month whilst they search as we “have the room” as clearly they have outstayed their welcome the other friends they have been staying with. We do have the space, and there is no reason why I should say no, but I’m beginning to feel a bit of a mug.

AIBU to say no as it’s only a month and we’ve been friends for a long time, or is not unreasonable to say no, they need to make their own arrangements?

It’s hard to believe you have to ask. The CF is on the level of the Mexican house thief. No it doesn’t work for us repeated several times. Tell them they have a week to collect their stuff from your garage too, and explain that it doesn’t work for you anymore to keep these things. No need to say why.

If they don’t collect them in a week say you are taking them to the tip and they don’t need to pay you for petrol, frame it as a favour and DO IT.

A healthy organism needs to fight actively to get rid of parasites. You really don’t need friends like this.

edit: typo

I would be on my guard for them just turning up one day looking for one nights accommodation which would turn into forever. Be prepared, keep your foot behind the door. "Sorry chums, we've got aunt Claire staying, she's fast asleep now, upstairs....there's a travel lodge 6 miles away....what? you have no where to go? Don't be so silly! byeeeee"

there is no reason we should say no

You don’t want other people living in your house for a month?

Tell them you’d be delighted to have all the shopping, cooking and cleaning done for a month and you’ll pay council tax and water if they cover gas and electricity. I bet they run a mile!

This has got to be a windup. If it is not, just say 'NOOOO'

You’ve seen the light, no way!

This. You need several stories up your sleeve ready to go.

But in essence it’s ‘That is not going to work for us’.

I don’t know how people like this get away with it but they are everywhere. My dad has a friend who in over 60 years of friendship has never been known to stand his round, never “treated”, always got away with paying less. When he lost his job and his marriage broke down at the same time, he lived with my parents for 6 weeks just moping about the house. My mum sorted him out a rental, new bank account and roadside assistance for goodness sake. Yet people always just put it down to being the way he is and let him get away with it. I have other examples from other people - must be a nice way to live!

I suppose in his case he is a nice person and good friend in other ways - is that the case for these friends OP? Do you want to maintain a friendship with them?

If they keep hinting, just laugh and say “ no chance you cheeky fuckers!” Keep repeating that they’re cheeky to ask rather than focusing on your excuses about why you want to refuse.Make sure they know you know what they’re doing.

Sounds like your daughter sees right through them. Be more her and say no. It's also not fair on her to have them move in (provided she lives with you), put her first.

I think you could do to repeat to yourself ‘this is not my circus/monkey/problem’

Stop having an open door, offering advice and asking them questions. Let them get on with it.

I had a friend who had a similar carefree attitude to life. She was always saying things like 'something will turn up' or 'things always work out in the end' when something went wrong. I used to envy her lack of worry. Then I realized that what always turned up for her were her friends - including me. We were always bailing her out of her self-inflicted problems, lending her money, giving her lifts, providing lunches etc. As we gradually realized we were being used and started saying No, she began to learn that things didn't always work out in the end after all, unless she did something about it herself.

I would be quite honest and say no, I don’t think our friendship could take it. I don’t like house guests- short term or long term.

What happens if 1 month turns into 2, then 3. By the sounds of them, they wouldn't pay their way either. Just no.

This, text her the link to the webpage and suggest she get looking.

These aren’t friends. They are sponging freeloaders who can see that you are soft and can be exploited and manipulated.

Not to take away from your dilemma OP, but tales like this make me wish there was a Cheeky Chuffers board. Partly for the education value, but mostly for the entertainment. I can never get my head around there being people like this out there, I hate asking favours!

🤣🤣 I'm laughing so hard at the reference of the Mexican house thief!
Could this couple be even worse, since they ask for favours on such a frequent basis??

Don’t be a mug OP why are u even considering this!! You know they’ll stay longer than a month when get feet under table and you won’t get rid. Why was your DH a soft touch about the airport lift, if it was me I would have discussed petrol fees up front!! Coffe n cake does not suffice, even if DH didnt want to take money, they didn’t even offer and it was a long trip, not just a local airport! They’ve seen you both coming! Time to be firm op. Just think would they do you the same favours, you do for them!

Thing is, why would thoroughly irresponsible types need to bother planning when a selection of mugs will leap to help them out?

You already know they've outstayed their welcome with the previous people, so for that alone you're NBU to say no, and here's another vote for sending them the AirB&B link

They’ve said a few times that they don’t want to take advantage, which my DD has pointed out, shows they are totally aware that they are

Edited to add not really, OP - or at least not sufficiently aware to do something about it
More likely this is just a "sugaring the pill" gambit, so that when things go wrong they can whine "Oooo we didn't MEAN to do it"

I would like to add that if you went mad and let them stay you'd never get rid of them. You could respond with no and you need to get your stuff out of our garage by date.

It's arrogance. Planning and paying for stuff like the rest of us is beneath them.

They will eventually run out of good will.

Tell them to sign up to Trusted Housesitters.

They are really cheeky

But it won’t just be a month will it. They’re saying a month to find somewhere but if buying, it could be 6 months or more. Don’t do it! They can afford an Airbnb.

Likewise.

I don’t know whether it’s a pride or an independence thing, but I never ask for any sort of help outside of my immediate family, and even then it would only be after I had exhausted every other option possible.

The trouble is; when they’re not after favours, they’re great company and very entertaining friends, but this is bringing sharply into focus how much value DH and I need put on the whole relationship with them.

They do play the ‘poor us, we’ve been a bit silly, circumstances beyond our control, stressed out’ card a lot and seem to make a lot of poor choices, so it’s very hard to see whether these crisis situations they create are accidental or a crafty way of manipulating those around them to step in both financially and emotionally. We are clearly not the only ones enabling them to carry on this lifestyle as they often drop into conversation who is doing what for them or what deal they’ve managed to achieve. Certainly, apart from cheap flights, they haven’t paid for holiday accommodation for years as they always seem to ‘know’ someone who has a place overseas.

Unless you have them then throw them out after a month it won’t just be a month. Say they find somewhere in the middle of their month stay with you do you really think it’s all going to be done in 2 weeks? It will be can we just stay with you till we’re ready to move in…. And that’s providing they actually find somewhere soon!