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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me, or are these friends exploiting us?

428 replies

JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/05/2025 14:24

Posted before about this couple who sold their house and wanted to stay in our place whilst we were away on holiday.

We’ve been friends for several years. Great company, charming people, but incredibly disorganised and unable to prioritise their life - not our problem, except they have a habit of offloading their crises onto those around them. Everything is always left to the last minute and I don’t know how they do it, but they manage to get a freebie off someone or get everyone running around after them, whether it’s a friend of a friend offering holiday accommodation, a cheap decorator or last minute dog sitter etc etc. For example, DH ended up doing an exceptionally long airport run for them recently because they didn’t want to take their car, the more convenient local airport didn’t fly on a day that suited them (it was to another freebie overseas apartment) and the lift was presented to him as, “are you still ok to take us to……” which he felt obliged to do as he said he honestly couldn’t remember agreeing to, but felt he couldn’t let them down! No offer of petrol etc, just bought DH a coffee and a cake.

They sold their house, have made a nice profit, now cash buyers and looking to downsize, but they have have not planned where they were going to live, refuse to pay for a short term rental and are essentially sofa surfing until they find somewhere to buy. They’ve dropped great big hints suggesting they could stay with us for around a month whilst they search as we “have the room” as clearly they have outstayed their welcome the other friends they have been staying with. We do have the space, and there is no reason why I should say no, but I’m beginning to feel a bit of a mug.

AIBU to say no as it’s only a month and we’ve been friends for a long time, or is not unreasonable to say no, they need to make their own arrangements?

OP posts:
MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 23/05/2025 16:46

These people don’t consider you as friends OP. They view you as opportunities. Opportunities to save money and have their lives made easier.

ForFunGoose · 23/05/2025 16:48

Do not discuss their accommodation or transport with them EVER!
They are using a script and people are falling into rolls for them. Ye are being played and it actually ridiculous that you feel stuck!
JUST SAY NO.

Original poster
JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/05/2025 16:49

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 16:44

Be frustrated with yourself, you needn’t have listened to / engaged with any of it.

You’re totally right.

As a friend, I instinctively want to help and felt I might be unreasonable and inflexible because I don’t want to accommodate. Having read the replies on here, it is so reassuring to have it repeatedly pointed out, it’s not me - it IS them.

They’ve said a few times that they don’t want to take advantage, which my DD has pointed out, shows they are totally aware that they are.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndToast · 23/05/2025 16:49

Fgfgfg · 23/05/2025 16:43

Nooooooo. We agreed to put a friend up for a month and to store some of his possessions. He was going abroad to work for a couple of years and needed somewhere to tide him over between his flat rental ending and his new contract starting in Italy. Another friend was storing furniture so we thought we were getting a few boxes of books and kitchen equipment. He turned up with a van and filled the spare room. Two weeks into his one month stay he had an accident that prevented him from starting his new job (think stonemason with a broken arm). He's skilled and in demand so he still had the work but it was 9 months later when we waved him off at the airport. And we still had his stuff.

My aunt got married in Australia and then she and her husband moved to Canada for "two years" and filled a whole room in her mother's house with wedding presents and their stuff until they got back.

She was in Canada for 20 years!

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 23/05/2025 16:49

Just noooooooooooooo

FOJN · 23/05/2025 16:49

We do have the space, and there is no reason why I should say no........

Why do you need a reason to say no? It's your house, you don't want them to move in for a month, you don't need a better reason than that. Do not offer a reason if they ask you if they can stay.

They are hinting but haven't asked outright so I would pretend I can't hear them. Do not offer ideas for alternative solutions when they start hinting because that makes you part of solving their problem. "Good luck getting something sorted" and change the subject would be a good way to go. If they pretend you've already agreed like they did with the airport lift you have to respond with disbelief, "you must have misunderstood, I would never agree to that".

You need to channel just a fraction of their audacity. Pretend you're acting a part of it feels too uncomfortable, which it will for most non CF people.

FleurdeLion · 23/05/2025 16:49

Visitors are like fish. They both go off after 3 days.

hellohellooo · 23/05/2025 16:52

Cheeeeeky fs

My gosh

I once had a friend like this

Spoilt
Rich

All the airport picks up and drop offs she requested were always granted

Saved her a fortune

Dog sat all the time

She literally never gave me once gift
Not one coffee
Barely a thank you

People are idiots

I would run a mile asap

Defrump · 23/05/2025 16:52

I'm interested to know why you would even entertain the notion of them staying with you.
Are they very glam so you and your DH bask in their reflected glory?
I mean, there must be a reason everyone is so enamoured with them and allowing them to get away with being CFs
You know they will take the piss, it will be more like a year not a month and they won't pay for anything

Americano75 · 23/05/2025 16:53

Tell them to pitch a tent in the field of Nofuckingway.

Genevieva · 23/05/2025 16:53

JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/05/2025 16:42

I think they were planning on moving around several friends’ homes and relying on good will. It was apparent even as the house sale was going through, nothing fixed had been arranged accommodation wise and once their stuff had gone into storage (and my garage) they were just going to be sofa surfing. We even asked at the time where they were going and they mentioned several different friend’s names dotted around the country. I guess they’ve now decided it’s our turn as we said no whilst we were away on holiday last month.

Show quote history

Spongers like this often lack impulse control and spend profligately. I reckon they have been living beyond their means and were forced to down size. Buying within their means involves facing up to the reality that they can’t afford what they want in the area they want. If they move on you will struggle to kick them out and you will be treating them like non-paying hotel guests. Avoid.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 23/05/2025 16:54

I guess they’ve now decided it’s our turn as we said no whilst we were away on holiday last month.

If they ask tell them to refer to the last conversation as, even though you're now home it's still a no.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 23/05/2025 16:54

Are you going to tell them 'no.'?

zenas · 23/05/2025 16:55

When they eventually get to their new house, make sure you are passing some day and rock up saying you will be staying for a month while your house is being gutted etc. Just do it for the shits and giggles.

"Oh Hiiiiii Sarah, we are stuck, we'll be staying for a couple of weeks since we forgot to arrange anything, so get the kettle on quick. Lovely house, where did you stay while you were waiting to move in? What room are we in, thanks."

I'd have great fun with this, even to call them and say it. Hmmm wonder what their reaction would be.? Obviously you forget your credit cards when going out with them for dinner and so on. Get a plan together 😊

YellowPostIts · 23/05/2025 17:01

I have had a houseguest for a month.

They were tidy, they were quiet, they offered groceries and paid for takeaways. Left with thanks on the specified end date

It was still a huge imposition on our lives. A huge loss of privacy. We were relieved to have our home back to ourselves.

I’m not sure I’d do it again, I certainly wouldn’t agree to an open ended arrangement from
people known for freeloading.

You are already storing their stuff - you are doing your bit for friendship.

CantStopMoving · 23/05/2025 17:02

You will never get rid of them!

manysausages · 23/05/2025 17:02

I would practice saying ‘No. I would hate that’ aloud in anticipation of them asking you straight. It’s impossible to argue with that sentence.

Also, have a couple of answers ready for anything else they might ask
‘Can you help us on moving day?’ - ‘That’s a job for the professionals.’
’Can you run us to the airport?’ - ‘It was too disruptive last time, don’t forget this is a round trip for someone dropping you off’

Original poster
JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/05/2025 17:02

Defrump · 23/05/2025 16:52

I'm interested to know why you would even entertain the notion of them staying with you.
Are they very glam so you and your DH bask in their reflected glory?
I mean, there must be a reason everyone is so enamoured with them and allowing them to get away with being CFs
You know they will take the piss, it will be more like a year not a month and they won't pay for anything

Not in the least bit glam - more like perennial victims. They seem to live from crisis to crisis, albeit of their own making.

They often turn up on the doorstep for ‘advice’ too, which they usually don’t take, possibly because we haven’t always told them what they want to hear.

When they got the offer on their house, we asked several times about where they were planning on moving to, but it was the usual laissez faire approach that they had friends they could stay with.

I’m always intrigued how they seem able to pull favours out of the hat from others too. They put an offer in on a house around a month ago and already have managed to get a free dog grooming session out of the vendor!

OP posts:
thestaffy · 23/05/2025 17:03

Friend was a cash buyer. (Accom was sorted and paid for by him) Took him a year and a half to find what he was looking for, If they are sponging off living with you then they can be extra picky. You say in your post that once they got a last minute dog sitter. Do they have a dog as well??

Hercthemerc · 23/05/2025 17:04

I once said a friend and her two children could stay with us for 2 weeks whilst her offer on her house went through. In the end it was 6 months. Six months of mess, her living rent free, she took over everything, no bills no presents nothing - it ended the friendship we haven’t spoken since!!!

menopausalfart · 23/05/2025 17:04

If this post isn't made up, you already know what you should do.

Trallia · 23/05/2025 17:07

I hosted some friends for a month. They were Ukrainian refugees and we'd lives together as students. We were all glad that they found their own place with that month.

Your friends are not refugees!

AlertCat · 23/05/2025 17:09

Say they can stay, but you’ll be charging them rent of xxx(x) pounds a week, payable in advance. Two can play at CF-ery!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/05/2025 17:14

JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/05/2025 17:02

Not in the least bit glam - more like perennial victims. They seem to live from crisis to crisis, albeit of their own making.

They often turn up on the doorstep for ‘advice’ too, which they usually don’t take, possibly because we haven’t always told them what they want to hear.

When they got the offer on their house, we asked several times about where they were planning on moving to, but it was the usual laissez faire approach that they had friends they could stay with.

I’m always intrigued how they seem able to pull favours out of the hat from others too. They put an offer in on a house around a month ago and already have managed to get a free dog grooming session out of the vendor!

Show quote history

Hahaha the brass neck of this.

So they told you they planned to stay with friends, but not that you were the friends they planned to stay with.

Charlize43 · 23/05/2025 17:15

'You're sorry but your husband has contracted a highly infectious disease that hasn't been seen since Medieval times and you are just painting a big black cross on your front door and letting the neighbours know that you are unclean. Maybe next time.'

That should do the trick.