To be disappointed that DH didn’t clean when I was on holiday?

[FairPlayer274]

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my DD. DH didnt go because he couldn’t take off work, doesn’t particularly like camping, and has bad seasonal allergies. Before I left, I made sure that the house was clean, the laundry was done, the dogs had been to their regular vet appointments and were stocked up on meds, etc. On my way home, I thought DH would have surprised me by having kept up with the laundry and cleaning, and probably have gotten me a gift or two, as he usually does when I go away for long periods of time. Just as like an expression of “I missed you and I’m glad you’re home!”

Well… He did his dishes, but that’s about it. He said he didn’t leave things lying around, but I noticed a few of his things out. His hamper is full again, the house is dirty, and he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.) He didn’t get me any gifts, but he did purchase 24 little, squishy animal toys and hide them around the house for DD to find, which she has delighted in and I thought was cute.

I was also exhausted from traveling and caring for a child on my own for 10 days and extremely touched out, and we stayed up late waiting for him to get home so DD could see him. He recognized my mood, but he didn’t make any effort to put DD to bed, either, which I thought was a bit inconsiderate.

I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off. And if I’m off having a holiday, maybe he should get to come home from work and do whatever he wants, too. Enjoy the child-free time, you know?

On the other hand… It’s very difficult for me to catch up on 10 days worth of cleaning and laundry, especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st, and if he was relived from childcare for 10 days, he would have had a lot of free time to get some cleaning done. It makes me not want to go on future holidays, knowing how much I have to do when I get back. He’s also going on holiday with his older DD (she’s 18 and off at uni in another country; he’ll go to visit with her there and then they’re going to tour Portugal) in a few days, so I kind of feel like he’s getting the equivalent time off, you know?

There’s also the fact that he invited me out to lunch today and I declined because I have a lot of work to do at home and for my job (where I kind of hinted that the house is dirty because he hasn’t cleaned in 10 days) and he took that personally, like I didn’t want to spend time with him. He “joked” that he should be my #1 priority. It was… frustrating in a weird, hard, saddening kind of way. I wanted to cry over it. I’ve been jet lagged and overwhelmed by everything (also I think I forgot to take my meds) so I haven’t gotten much done today anyway. Mad at myself for it. Digging myself in deeper, I know.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to. So I do feel disappointed and kind of worried about it, even if I know there’s no reason I should expect a gift. Also I didn’t bring him anything back from the trip, but that was because I didn’t have any spare room in our luggage, with all the gear and clothing we needed to bring, not for lack of consideration.

Thoughts?

I’d be disappointed if he didn’t, I know I would.

They’re not THAT dead because she’s still booking a plant sitter for the two week work trip. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm thinking sausages. I'm thinking Baloney. Sorry after your "wanna" I realised this was indeed sausage talk.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to.

You don't "woo" someone you're married to and have a toddler with 😂

@FairPlayer274, you really are coming across as a total princess I'm afraid.

Wooing? 🫣🫣🫣
Do you woo him OP?

Conversely I ran around the house like a lunatic yesterday making sure my DP was walking back into a clean(ish) house after a work trip - as I know the last thing you need to see when you’re tired is chaos.

Thats the difference between men and women I’m afraid.

Why? OP was on holiday? Maybe he needed a break. These people just need to hire a cleaner. Sounds like they can afford it.

OP was on holiday.
OP barely works.

Well with re: to the house, I can usually get 2-3 rooms cleaned most days, so that most of the house is cleaned once a week.

Are these unusually big ass rooms? Or are they just loaded up to the gunnels with all the welcome home presents your husband usually buys you when you're on holiday?

I immediately recognised you too OP from your previous threads and honestly I think that your feeling deflated and disappointed now (first night and day back) might be connected to the trip in general, not just the lack of cleaning. I think you were looking forward to getting home and back to normal as there had been a bit of guilt and the airplane drama but it wasn't back to normal, it was a bit extra work.

That said, I think you are getting a hard time. No matter if it was only your husband at home, houses get dusty and especially if there are pets too. People working doesn't preclude them from basc cleaning their homes. For eg people living alone who work would usually sweep/vacuum or mop, change towels, dust etc in 10 days. And if the bedding was dirty he should have changed it. The laundry - he should have done too, dirty clothes smell after a while.
I take my 3 DC away sometimes as I get more time off than my DH. He often uses the opportunity to catch up on work and sometimes works very long hours. I clean before i go but I communicate clearly that I would like his laundry done, dishwasher empty, and floors vacuumed. I sometimes remind him the day before we come back. And unless I order an online shop for delivery I send him a list of stuff to have in for us to eat. This sounds bossy to some, giving DH a list of things to have cleaned/done while im away (he joked that there will be an inspection when we return), but I've started it after too many times I returned to a dirty messy house that I had cleaned before I left and it made me upset and caused some arguments, so by communicating better we both agree what's feasible . Yes, you were away on holiday but it did mean your DH had extra free time in the evenings too, so he could have managed to clean up the last night before you came home.

You work two days a month and a couple of weeks in the summer while he works full time and basically funds everything, all the household bills, food etc

Does he moan at you and get resentful that you don’t pull your weight financially? If not, you’re being pretty hypocritical expecting him to do more around the house while you take regular lengthy holidays

I wouldn't expect him to dust the light shades but I would expect him to keep on top of things, my DH doesn't have spare cash to woo me, he shows me that he cares by helping.
I went to visit my parents a lot when DD was little, DH would have plenty of relaxing time but he would hoover the dog hair, wash floors.

OP, he absolutely should have cleaned the house. He has made it clear he sees you as a domestic drudge.

Have a strong word with him that you are a SAHM for dd’s sake and that whilst you know that most of the housework falls to you, that doesn’t mean he gets to treat you like a maid and that you expect him to pull his weight when you’re away.

I’m sorry for the responses you’re getting. Some women are so used to the drudgery of their own lives and picking up after sexist men that they want to drag you down with them.

Well yes I’d expect him to take care of his basic hygiene but honestly when my kids on holiday with their dad I’m not using my precious child free time deep cleaning the house.

Get a cleaner, particularly as the cleaning is your responsibility and you're going away again soon.

Go for lunch. If gifts are your dh's love language, it sounds like taking you out to lunch is a similar expression of love. He would also probably have appreciated a gift from you.

You would be better pooling your funds and paying for a cleaner.

Get him to.do his own laundry simple. Your child the same when old enough. The rest id let slide. He just has different standards to you.

Don't worry about going away again. Go away in the knowledge that if he does this again, you will get cleaners in - his money or joint account money - .to sort out HIS mess. When he's aghast at why on earth you would be so extravagant, tell him what you've told us. Genuinely, I would do this.

I've no idea. Really. Some people seem to live by hinting and guesswork. I'd find that very frustrating!

OP I came to post something similar to this which sums it up perfectly.

Ignore everyone thinking you're BU.

And go away soon.

Op this seems overly dramatic. I used to be a professional cleaner. Even in hoarding situations, I’ve never ever seen a bathroom that takes more than 1-2 hours to clean thoroughly once it’s empty. I assume you have a washing machine so aren’t washing by hand down the stream so that’s actually very little labour and time to do 3 loads of washing. The machine is the one doing the work. Hoover the house. Is really not the drama you are making it out to be. I’ve got 3 dogs from tiny to giant and until last year I lived in a 5 bed townhouse. I could clean it top to bottom in 7 hours max with tidying my kids rooms and full bedding changed plus washing AND I’ve got adhd and a connective tissue disorder.

If he is usually kept very busy with his work, and this is why you've divided up the effort into financial=his and domestic=yours, then I think it's a bit unfair to expect him to do much domestic on top of financial while you gone on holiday without him, particularly since one of the the reasons he didn't come too is that he was too busy with work.

I think you should keep the dogs downstairs. That's an awful lot of extra cleaning work.
I don't understand why people have dogs and complain about the mess - they are messy creatures!
On a more general note, I think you need to have a conversation about housework.

@FairPlayer274

“our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.)”

ewww, I could not be arsed with this! Make the dogs sleep on their own bed.