To be disappointed that DH didn’t clean when I was on holiday?

[FairPlayer274]

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my DD. DH didnt go because he couldn’t take off work, doesn’t particularly like camping, and has bad seasonal allergies. Before I left, I made sure that the house was clean, the laundry was done, the dogs had been to their regular vet appointments and were stocked up on meds, etc. On my way home, I thought DH would have surprised me by having kept up with the laundry and cleaning, and probably have gotten me a gift or two, as he usually does when I go away for long periods of time. Just as like an expression of “I missed you and I’m glad you’re home!”

Well… He did his dishes, but that’s about it. He said he didn’t leave things lying around, but I noticed a few of his things out. His hamper is full again, the house is dirty, and he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.) He didn’t get me any gifts, but he did purchase 24 little, squishy animal toys and hide them around the house for DD to find, which she has delighted in and I thought was cute.

I was also exhausted from traveling and caring for a child on my own for 10 days and extremely touched out, and we stayed up late waiting for him to get home so DD could see him. He recognized my mood, but he didn’t make any effort to put DD to bed, either, which I thought was a bit inconsiderate.

I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off. And if I’m off having a holiday, maybe he should get to come home from work and do whatever he wants, too. Enjoy the child-free time, you know?

On the other hand… It’s very difficult for me to catch up on 10 days worth of cleaning and laundry, especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st, and if he was relived from childcare for 10 days, he would have had a lot of free time to get some cleaning done. It makes me not want to go on future holidays, knowing how much I have to do when I get back. He’s also going on holiday with his older DD (she’s 18 and off at uni in another country; he’ll go to visit with her there and then they’re going to tour Portugal) in a few days, so I kind of feel like he’s getting the equivalent time off, you know?

There’s also the fact that he invited me out to lunch today and I declined because I have a lot of work to do at home and for my job (where I kind of hinted that the house is dirty because he hasn’t cleaned in 10 days) and he took that personally, like I didn’t want to spend time with him. He “joked” that he should be my #1 priority. It was… frustrating in a weird, hard, saddening kind of way. I wanted to cry over it. I’ve been jet lagged and overwhelmed by everything (also I think I forgot to take my meds) so I haven’t gotten much done today anyway. Mad at myself for it. Digging myself in deeper, I know.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to. So I do feel disappointed and kind of worried about it, even if I know there’s no reason I should expect a gift. Also I didn’t bring him anything back from the trip, but that was because I didn’t have any spare room in our luggage, with all the gear and clothing we needed to bring, not for lack of consideration.

Thoughts?

Stop sitting on the feelings. Speak to him.

"You were the only adult in the house, why did you not do any housework?"

"I work too, why is it my responsibility to clean up after you?'

"Put DD to bed please, I'm shattered from travelling with her and it'll give you some time together. "

"You are one of my top priorities, but the house is filthy seeing as you didn't bother doing any basic cleaning in 10 days, so I'm going to skip lunch and do that. Next time clean up and we'll be able to go out for lunch. "

Use your words.

Yes, maybe don't let the dogs in the bedrooms, yuk. I bet you are a shoes off household as well

It’s all a bit drama over very little.

id have told him to change sheets and run the hoover over whilst I had a bath and unpacked. I would have definitely gone out for lunch for a good catch up.

But then saying you spend a day cleaning 2/3 rooms indicates either you live in a National Trust property or you are unusually fastidious/make work for yourself.

This seems like a very unusual set up , I wonder if your DH buys into your 'free spirited, nature loving' lifestyle.

It sounds like you are forcing it on your daughter as well, with mixed results.

You definitely need some 'franker' conversations, lots of mixed messages..like your a SAHM but also go on long work trips as some sort of adventure tour guide, I'm guessing.

Yeah, the dynamic is a bit strange IMO.

I don’t get why everyone is giving OP a hard time. She’s just expected to come back to a clean home that her husband also lives in and has lived in the past 10 days, it wouldn’t of hurt him to just do the basics during that time at least once. I honestly don’t get why people are being so shitty. Just because she’s been away and works X amount of days a week doesn’t mean she is his maid and has to come back and clean up after him, just out of respect he should of cleaned up after himself! He’s not in a hotel FFS.

Yeah I'd have been disappointed too op. If he had the house to himself, it's pretty easy to keep things looking immaculate without others around. Yanbu

With dogs? Very!

Dh is a high earner and I’m a sahm and I’ve never come home to a dirty house - maybe not everything done, or quite to my standards, but he’s a fully functional adult. Honestly this would give me the ick.

I’m finding the presents thing odd though. And it’s got my spidey senses tingling. Because normal healthy relationships are quite boring on the whole - and dysfunctional ones tend to have these artificial ups and downs. “Wooing” makes me wonder about love bombing, which often goes hand in hand with control.

For most people, bringing a gift back off holidays amounts to picking up someone’s favourite tipple or perfume in duty free - or not if you’re running late or overpacked. It’s not exactly loaded with deeper meaning.

I was in a love bombing relationship at one point, and it’s not about entitlement when the effort drops - it just knocks you a bit because you’ve been on this artificially high place pedestal and suddenly it’s gone from under you. And that destabilisation is exactly the point- you get so disoriented that you miss the problems you should see, and feel inherently unreasonable if you try and express disappointment. It’s more that you’re left wondering “what does this mean?” but say it out loud and everyone thinks you’re stomping your foot like a toddler.

He should be your highest priority? Again, I hope I’m reading this out of context, and everything is really fine. But that’s sounding another bad note to me. I mean dh and I are among each others highest priorities but it’s something that doesn’t need proving. Or when he’s busy at work or I’m swamped catching up laundry, neither of us would question our relationship.

OP I’d be delighted to be completely wrong here.

YABU because I can’t get over the fact YOU went on holiday and expected gifts on return 😆

YANBU OP.
He could’ve easily been relaxed about it the whole time you were away, then changed the beds/put a wash on/mopped round the day before you were getting home.
Having lived with dogs I know how grubby it can get, and I wouldn’t want to come home to it either.

I'm not sure about this one. When I went on holiday for ten days with the DC, I specifically told DH I didn't want to come back to a messy house and I recall he made sure it was clean and tidy. We both work but I do most of the cleaning and all the laundry. He often leaves mess and doesn't make the beds and I knew it would annoy me to come home to a messy house. I recall he did make sure it was clean and tidy.

If you usually do the cleaning then I don't think your DH would have thought about it.

I wouldn't have expected a gift when I got
home. Did you bring him a Gift?

If someone was fully supporting me while I kept all my earnings from my very part time hobby job, I would be wooing the hell out of him.

She has already stated her working hours - it's very little compared to his.

Yep, but is OP?

So that means he can't clean up after himself when he's the only person in the house? Cos she works less hours?

Did I say that?

You picked on one suggestion I made for her using her words about her working too and therefore it not being her responsibility to clean up after him.

Why that one if that's not how you feel?

God, the bar is low for men!

YANBU. An adult should be able to clean after himself and the dogs (I assume he agreed to have) for 10 days. And to those questioning how dirty it can be, the answer is very if you have two dogs that shed.

I am away with the DC and I expect the house to be clean when I get back. Also, I expect DH to do some DYI we don’t get the chance to do when the DC are there, given that he is getting more of a holiday than me by not having to do any parenting or wake up at night/early with the kids.

The gift is a red herring. If you hadn’t mentioned it, you would be getting very different replies.

This is a great response. Mumsnet could buy it from you and automatically post it as first response to all AIBU threads with DH or DP in the title!
Thank you for your words of wisdom.

Yes maybe he should have done a bit of cleaning. But you sound very high maintenance. Wanting to be woo'ed and bought gifts. Just seen you work two days a month. YABU.

I didn't realise this was the flight poster with the kicking 3 year old, the posts are a bit long and rambling to digest it all at once

There are some shockingly low standards on here.

He's a grown up. He can do his own washing and change his own bedsheets. He can hoover up after his dogs. He just didn't want to, because the house is your job.

The dust will still be there tomorrow. Get a cleaner for a couple of hours, go for lunch.