To be disappointed that DH didn’t clean when I was on holiday?

[FairPlayer274]

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my DD. DH didnt go because he couldn’t take off work, doesn’t particularly like camping, and has bad seasonal allergies. Before I left, I made sure that the house was clean, the laundry was done, the dogs had been to their regular vet appointments and were stocked up on meds, etc. On my way home, I thought DH would have surprised me by having kept up with the laundry and cleaning, and probably have gotten me a gift or two, as he usually does when I go away for long periods of time. Just as like an expression of “I missed you and I’m glad you’re home!”

Well… He did his dishes, but that’s about it. He said he didn’t leave things lying around, but I noticed a few of his things out. His hamper is full again, the house is dirty, and he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.) He didn’t get me any gifts, but he did purchase 24 little, squishy animal toys and hide them around the house for DD to find, which she has delighted in and I thought was cute.

I was also exhausted from traveling and caring for a child on my own for 10 days and extremely touched out, and we stayed up late waiting for him to get home so DD could see him. He recognized my mood, but he didn’t make any effort to put DD to bed, either, which I thought was a bit inconsiderate.

I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off. And if I’m off having a holiday, maybe he should get to come home from work and do whatever he wants, too. Enjoy the child-free time, you know?

On the other hand… It’s very difficult for me to catch up on 10 days worth of cleaning and laundry, especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st, and if he was relived from childcare for 10 days, he would have had a lot of free time to get some cleaning done. It makes me not want to go on future holidays, knowing how much I have to do when I get back. He’s also going on holiday with his older DD (she’s 18 and off at uni in another country; he’ll go to visit with her there and then they’re going to tour Portugal) in a few days, so I kind of feel like he’s getting the equivalent time off, you know?

There’s also the fact that he invited me out to lunch today and I declined because I have a lot of work to do at home and for my job (where I kind of hinted that the house is dirty because he hasn’t cleaned in 10 days) and he took that personally, like I didn’t want to spend time with him. He “joked” that he should be my #1 priority. It was… frustrating in a weird, hard, saddening kind of way. I wanted to cry over it. I’ve been jet lagged and overwhelmed by everything (also I think I forgot to take my meds) so I haven’t gotten much done today anyway. Mad at myself for it. Digging myself in deeper, I know.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to. So I do feel disappointed and kind of worried about it, even if I know there’s no reason I should expect a gift. Also I didn’t bring him anything back from the trip, but that was because I didn’t have any spare room in our luggage, with all the gear and clothing we needed to bring, not for lack of consideration.

Thoughts?

Yeah, it's me with my idea that both parts of a married couple should be contributing to the house they live in that's tiresome. Not you with your sexist ideas that she should do everything because "man works, man provides money".

I don't think you even realise you sound like that's what you believe. But it is.

Because if you pay bills you don't need to clean your home, do you?

He does money, she does childcare. They both live in the house.

Try and come out of the fifties.

YANBU for expecting your husband to have kept on top of the house while you were away.

I can't get my head around taking a 3 year old away for a 10 day camping trip.

Jet lagged and exhausted from a holiday with 1 child that you haven’t had to entirely fund yourself?

I hope you’re sitting comfortably. I’m going to tell you about my life as a single parent to 4. All life admin, money, holidays, fun, heartache, washing, careers advice, cleaning, surprises, birthdays, Christmases all up to me.

Good grief.

So if you'd come home to a partner who'd had the house to himself for the whole time and had to clean up after him, that'd be fine?

Because you have to do everything yourself, other people should have to clean up after their adult partners?

To be fair, I wouldn't have expected much more from my DH. If you had come back to a kitchen full of dirty dishes and takeaway boxes, clothes strewn everywhere etc, I could understand your frustration.

My DH is banned from using the washing machine - too many pink and grey items when he washes. The bed - stop the dogs sleeping on it and then you'd only need to change it once a week like normal people.

The bathrooms will need a full chemical shakedown to get rid of the smell.

This sounds very extreme - what on earth was he doing in the bathrooms to cause such a problem?!

How do people keep kids that age safe in a tent during the night? Very strange holiday choice to me.

@seema

is he stupid ?

It. Is. Not. A. Race. To. The. Bottom.

No, but the OP does sound very spoiled. It isn't a case of him doing nothing while she does everything, like we sometimes see on here. I think she's taking the piss with this.

Safe during the night?? Were there bears?

I think when women are left alone in the house, they tend to think, great, I can get so much done. When men are left alone in the house, they think, great, I won't have to do much

Obviously this doesn't apply to absolutely everyone but I think it's broadly true.

She was in the US so there might have been

Yes, but they don’t bother you unless they smell food, and even then they are easily scared away by loud noises. I slept with the car keys in hand and just made the car honk and the lights flash if I heard rustling of any kind outside the tent. And we kept all the food in our car or in the lockers, if the campsites had them. We carried bear mace with us on hikes, just in case.

The only bears we saw were on the road or in the zoo.

Have you spoken to him about it? In a light way, just something like ‘is the washing machine broken or why is there a big pile of laundry here?’ Get him to do the washing and change the bedding now, no big deal.

Then, when you go away in the future, preface it with a ‘btw I do expect you to do a wash and keep the house reasonably clean while I’m away!’ as you shut the front door.

If your argument is that both people contribute equally to things that benefit both partners equally, I'm not sure how it squares with the money he earns benefiting them both? Nothing wrong with that setup, but it's a bit disingenuous to ignore that.

That said, this thread is bonkers on both sides. I've been the major earner, an equal earner and a SAHM over the course of our marriage. Responsibilities, duties and agreements shift to accommodate time, mental space and priorities. Just have a conversation and work it out, OP. Sometimes roles and responsibilities have broken down in a way that's traditional, sometimes they haven't. But then, I think the separate money is weird anyway. Throw it all in a pot and agree on savings and then run your household, together, as equals, regardless of who's bringing home what. Way too many marriages/partnerships on here are tit for tat instead operating as a team.

@DonnyDoris

The bathrooms will need a full chemical shakedown to get rid of the smell.

This sounds very extreme - what on earth was he doing in the bathrooms to cause such a problem?!

I wondered the same thing. We have a cleaner, but obviously didn't during lockdown. DH and I share a master bath and there were definitely times during lockdown where it went 10 days without a cleaning. You wouldn't have wanted to eat off the floor, but it was basically fine. No smell, no chemical shakedown other than a bit of soap and vinegar needed.

Actually my argument is that while he's at work, she's the childcare. Everything outside of "working hours" should be split equally. If she wasn't looking after the children, someone else would need to and that would likely be at a cost. Or he'd need to organise something.

I pay nursery to take care of my child while I'm at work. It's not cheap and there's a reason for that, because it is work.

If the working partner upped and left, a SAHP is going to struggle financially and will likely struggle to get a job paying what they need to keep the family running, because that's a thing sacrificed for the family, being out of the workforce means they lose skills and experience. Many wind up with no or minimal pension.

It's not just parent A goes to work and so parent B does literally everything else to keep the family going. That's such an archaic way to look at the split.

We don’t have a fan in the full baths, and the window handles are broken so that if we open them, we have to go outside to close them… They get mildewy and hard water stained if I don’t clean them weekly. They’re overdue.

I know you both have your roles within the marriage. But it sounds like you never have time off yours, whereas he gets time off his (and time off being a parent sometimes as well).

Although I wouldn't expect him to do stuff that's your role but only needed occasionally (eg clean the windows) I would expect him to keep on top of stuff to the extent that your workload isn't tripled when you get back. A grown man should be able to keep on top of hoovering daily after his own pets (if that's genuinely what's needed) and doing his own laundry i.e. the jobs he'd be having to do if he was single, while you're away. It's not nice to have to come back from holiday and deal with stuff like he is a child.

But why aren't you talking to him about this. When he said 'but I cleaned up my own dishes' why didn't you say what about the other jobs you just ignored and left for me. Is there a reason you don't feel able to raise your feeling with him?

The other things you have posted about suggests you spend quite a lot of time worrying about things that other people would find irriating but not a big deal. Are you actually OK OP?

“I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off.”

Apologies if what I say has already been said…

I honestly couldn’t be with someone who didn’t do their share of the housework/help out equally. I personally don’t agree with one of us handles “this thing” and the other handles “this thing” because then it gets taken too far and there’s no common sense involved.

Did you need to spell it out to him to make sure he cleaned the bedding and made sure the house was tidy for when you come back (because you’ve been away and can’t physically do it?) I couldn’t be with someone who needs it spelling out to them too.

You need to work out if you want to continue living like this where things are not shared better and common sense isn’t involved otherwise it’s going to eat away at you, and he probably has no idea this is what you’re thinking.

Have you talked to him about what your expectations were and that’s why you were upset? Have you made a plan going forward of what you’re happy with so this situation doesn’t happen again?

“and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off” - That’s his choice… it’s not you can do this and I won’t make sure the house is clean/tidy when you get back. You can’t look at things like “Well he does do this, and he does do this so I’ll let him off” there’s no excuse for it.

Also the not helping get your daughter to bed did you mention?
It sounds like he’s not pulling his weight in all aspects and it only really comes to light (for you) in certain situations liking you going away.

You both need to sit down and talk about how you feel and what you both need going forward. If your thoughts don’t align then you need to make a decision whether you’re happy to continue living like this.

In which case you'd probably be better off having a fan installed and the windows fixed with some of the spare money you seem to have at hand. Far better for your daughter and for the environment than a "full chemical shakedown" I would think ......

How do you stop your child from wandering out of the tent!

Well, like everything else in life it depends.

DH and both worked in city law. I was not particularly interested in mopping the floor when I got home after a 10 hour day and didn't expect him to be either.

I do agree with you, looking after children is undervalued and is work (the people are hugely underpaid to do, by the way), and when I was home with mine, I took it seriously as in, I was home to be a parent, not household labour, and, as it turned out, I wasn't all that interested in mopping the floor then either, so we continued to outsource that. Being home with a three year old is hard work, I agree, but they way I felt at the end of a day of that wasn't the same as the way I felt at the end of a day at work.

There is also a question of priorities and how you figure them out and agree on them as a couple. Some people really care about a clean house and some don't. If you do, but your partner doesn't, you have to figure out together how to accommodate both sets of priorities in a way that works.

I agree that he sounds entitled, leaving a mess, but to be fair, so does she.

Adding that it actually sounds to me like there's just a big failure in communication all around. The not helping put their DD to bed sound like a weird passive/aggressive way of expressing anger that she left, as does the not cleaning, but she's doing the same. Refusing lunch and crying because she needs to decontaminate the bathroom. And the using/expecting gifts as an expression of feelings doesn't sound hugely healthy. These people need to have a few honest conversations.

"What would he do if he lived alone?"

Well, presumably live by his standards which differ from OP

So he'd do his washing up, keep his stuff tied away and then do his laundry when desperate and hoover when he thinks it's filthy.

And get the window fixed so it's not such an excessive chore to make such a deal out of