To be disappointed that DH didn’t clean when I was on holiday?

[FairPlayer274]

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my DD. DH didnt go because he couldn’t take off work, doesn’t particularly like camping, and has bad seasonal allergies. Before I left, I made sure that the house was clean, the laundry was done, the dogs had been to their regular vet appointments and were stocked up on meds, etc. On my way home, I thought DH would have surprised me by having kept up with the laundry and cleaning, and probably have gotten me a gift or two, as he usually does when I go away for long periods of time. Just as like an expression of “I missed you and I’m glad you’re home!”

Well… He did his dishes, but that’s about it. He said he didn’t leave things lying around, but I noticed a few of his things out. His hamper is full again, the house is dirty, and he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.) He didn’t get me any gifts, but he did purchase 24 little, squishy animal toys and hide them around the house for DD to find, which she has delighted in and I thought was cute.

I was also exhausted from traveling and caring for a child on my own for 10 days and extremely touched out, and we stayed up late waiting for him to get home so DD could see him. He recognized my mood, but he didn’t make any effort to put DD to bed, either, which I thought was a bit inconsiderate.

I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off. And if I’m off having a holiday, maybe he should get to come home from work and do whatever he wants, too. Enjoy the child-free time, you know?

On the other hand… It’s very difficult for me to catch up on 10 days worth of cleaning and laundry, especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st, and if he was relived from childcare for 10 days, he would have had a lot of free time to get some cleaning done. It makes me not want to go on future holidays, knowing how much I have to do when I get back. He’s also going on holiday with his older DD (she’s 18 and off at uni in another country; he’ll go to visit with her there and then they’re going to tour Portugal) in a few days, so I kind of feel like he’s getting the equivalent time off, you know?

There’s also the fact that he invited me out to lunch today and I declined because I have a lot of work to do at home and for my job (where I kind of hinted that the house is dirty because he hasn’t cleaned in 10 days) and he took that personally, like I didn’t want to spend time with him. He “joked” that he should be my #1 priority. It was… frustrating in a weird, hard, saddening kind of way. I wanted to cry over it. I’ve been jet lagged and overwhelmed by everything (also I think I forgot to take my meds) so I haven’t gotten much done today anyway. Mad at myself for it. Digging myself in deeper, I know.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to. So I do feel disappointed and kind of worried about it, even if I know there’s no reason I should expect a gift. Also I didn’t bring him anything back from the trip, but that was because I didn’t have any spare room in our luggage, with all the gear and clothing we needed to bring, not for lack of consideration.

Thoughts?

OK 👌

You expect your DH to come home and start cleaning up the mess you and have been making all day though don’t you?

Maybe both parents should regularly discuss what works for them?

It sounds to me as if you made completely the wrong choice of holiday in terms of what suited you and a 4 year old. She would have probably enjoyed staying in a B+B by the sea in this country more!

Having made that poor choice, you then didn't get the holiday you envisioned, so were tired and fed up when you walked in the house.

Yes, he could have hoovered through, but you didn't need to moan about it here. What is the main issue here is the lack of communication in your marriage. Why couldn't you have said 'I would love lunch, but how about we both whip through the housework first?'

You do sound very aggravating! Try to be more aware of others and their needs.

No. Because I'm responsible for my own mess. In the same way he wouldn't expect me to clear up after him.

I expect him to come home from work and do tasks related to the whole family such as cooking dinner sometimes, putting on a load of laundry for all of us, feeding/walking/cleaning the dog. I also expect him to put his own washing in the laundry basket, make sure his work lunchbox and bottle are at least in the kitchen for whichever of us does the washing up, bathe the child, put her to bed and so on equally.

I work three days he does five. I do two days of childcare so we are a) not paying for it and b) able to provide her with the lifestyle we want.

The rest of the stuff is fairly split between us.

As a functioning adult he should have chucked the washing machine on and whizzed a hoover around and changed the bed if he thought it was gross.
From your updates you have had a 10 day holiday away at a place of your choosing, you work a few days a month with possibly a few weeks in the summer. Your wages are for yourself for high interest options and things for yourself and your child.
I assume your husband was working full time whilst you away and caring for the dogs ie walking and feeding.
I think you are making a bigger deal out of this then is necessary, he has probably created one maybe 2 loads of washing which I would have chucked on first thing this morning then headed out for lunch.
You have the rest of the week to gradually catch up on getting the house back up to where you like it to be. I’m guessing your husband was fine living in the environment and didn’t see much wrong with it.
I’m not sure why you expect a gift taking your daughter away on a camping trip so you had to solo parent was your idea, from a few of your other threads I’m not sure it was worth the effort because your daughter would have been just as happy more local without the plane ride etc
To give you a little perspective, I have 3 children, multiple dogs and other animals. I frequently have to take the children away on my own as my DH works 6 days a week and is the main breadwinner although I do work 25 hours a week myself.
When I get back the house will be a bit of a pickle because DH after a long day doesn’t want to start hoovering and dusting (he does do his own washing and dishes) but I appreciate the fact the animals are cared for, the house in still standing and I’ve been able to get away. It takes me a couple of hours to put it back to how I like it but I don’t refuse a lunch with him or strop about the state of the house.
I personally would stop the dogs going upstairs if they are leaving everything so gross. If they don’t mind having comfy sleeping arrangements elsewhere downstairs then that is a super easy fix and will make future trips away easier.
The gift giving on your return is bonkers, regardless of it previously being his ‘love language’ I think you need to work on how you express your love and holding a grudge and turning down a chance to spend meaningful time together after you chose a holiday where he couldn’t go wouldn’t be the idea of mine.

That’s because men and women are totally separate beings apart from the obvious!
We meant to compliment each other, not be the same. I doubt for one minute that it would have occurred to the man to water the plants unless he was asked and reminded.

To be fair to you, OP, as you'd tidied the house before you left he could have tried to keep it tidy for you both coming home.
I hate coming home to a messy house.

You work significantly more hours than OP.
In your scenario I'd expect you to be doing a bit more childcare and a bit more housework, simply because you're in paid work a bit less than DH.

YABU. I actually feel a bit bad for him, you sound awfully precious. You were on holiday! You should apologise to him for being moody, if I'm honest.

Well I'm glad we're living up to your expectations...

I'd still be expecting DH to pull his weight for the home we both live in even if I was in paid work less. Because I'd be saving us a significant amount in childcare, which we have to pay for when I'm working outside the home but apparently is just considered to be "free" when I'm not?

Stop doing his laundry! And just do your own and the bedding

if you’re going away again soon I wouldn’t bother deep cleaning the place - let him live in filth ! And leave him with no clean clothes.

He didn't do anything cause he knew you'd come back and do it. That's it really. Simple.

What is going on here? Why is MN so desperate to keep the bar for men on the floor?? Of COURSE he should have cleaned the house while you were away! He lives there, he's a grown adult and unless I missed it not missing both his arms or mentally deficit in some way. Why, on God's green earth, should he not keep the house he lives in clean and tidy while his partner is away??

PPs are acting like asking him to do anything but the absolute bare minimum is wildly out of order. Because OP generally does most of the housework he is therefore excused for the rest of time? Where are your standards?? Raise them!

OP, you are perfectly reasonable to be annoyed.

It's quite sexist to leave all the cleaning to the woman...

How is the man supposed to work when he’s looking after his child?

This. It sounds like a really miserable holiday for your child.
and the gift thing is just weird. You should be bringing him one. Anyway it all sounds very odd. You seem to go on a lot of holidays yet think you are the one hard done by.

What a snarky comment.

Women / mothers should be absolutely have the opportunity to go on holiday without their husbands. The camping trip doesn’t sound like too much fun for a 4 year old, but then again to each their own. Some people love this kind of vacation and their children grow up to share the sentiment.

And of course the house shouldn’t be a mess when OP comes back. Her husband is a functioning adult. Not sure how messy it really was, don’t think he should especially clean up, but maintenance is a must.

Mumsnet is so 1950 sometimes. As if household chores and remembering birthdays are exclusively women’s responsibility. And how does this uppity woman dare to leave her husband alone for a vacation!

So how did the credit card go on holiday with you? Thats right you took it.

No its not unreasonable for you to have your own savings, and you literally said you spend it on things for yourself. Again nkt unreasonable. What is unreasonable is for your husband to pay for everything (apart from treats you deem him worthy of) and for you to then complain he hasn't picked up on your role whilst he was away. I'll ask again, are you going to be paying for all living expenses whilst hes away on his holiday?__

She can work more than 2 days a month, but chooses not to

Only if he agrees to splitting the cost of the childcare while she does...

Well I wonder who already pays for the childcare, when she works her 2 days a month and a week in the summer. I presume him, considering she hasn't said she pays for childcare our of her earnings, that or the child goes to family.

You seem to have something against stay at home parents.

Gawd, you're tiresome.

Is it also quite sexist to leave all the bill paying to the man too then?