To be disappointed that DH didn’t clean when I was on holiday?

[FairPlayer274]

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my DD. DH didnt go because he couldn’t take off work, doesn’t particularly like camping, and has bad seasonal allergies. Before I left, I made sure that the house was clean, the laundry was done, the dogs had been to their regular vet appointments and were stocked up on meds, etc. On my way home, I thought DH would have surprised me by having kept up with the laundry and cleaning, and probably have gotten me a gift or two, as he usually does when I go away for long periods of time. Just as like an expression of “I missed you and I’m glad you’re home!”

Well… He did his dishes, but that’s about it. He said he didn’t leave things lying around, but I noticed a few of his things out. His hamper is full again, the house is dirty, and he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.) He didn’t get me any gifts, but he did purchase 24 little, squishy animal toys and hide them around the house for DD to find, which she has delighted in and I thought was cute.

I was also exhausted from traveling and caring for a child on my own for 10 days and extremely touched out, and we stayed up late waiting for him to get home so DD could see him. He recognized my mood, but he didn’t make any effort to put DD to bed, either, which I thought was a bit inconsiderate.

I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off. And if I’m off having a holiday, maybe he should get to come home from work and do whatever he wants, too. Enjoy the child-free time, you know?

On the other hand… It’s very difficult for me to catch up on 10 days worth of cleaning and laundry, especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st, and if he was relived from childcare for 10 days, he would have had a lot of free time to get some cleaning done. It makes me not want to go on future holidays, knowing how much I have to do when I get back. He’s also going on holiday with his older DD (she’s 18 and off at uni in another country; he’ll go to visit with her there and then they’re going to tour Portugal) in a few days, so I kind of feel like he’s getting the equivalent time off, you know?

There’s also the fact that he invited me out to lunch today and I declined because I have a lot of work to do at home and for my job (where I kind of hinted that the house is dirty because he hasn’t cleaned in 10 days) and he took that personally, like I didn’t want to spend time with him. He “joked” that he should be my #1 priority. It was… frustrating in a weird, hard, saddening kind of way. I wanted to cry over it. I’ve been jet lagged and overwhelmed by everything (also I think I forgot to take my meds) so I haven’t gotten much done today anyway. Mad at myself for it. Digging myself in deeper, I know.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to. So I do feel disappointed and kind of worried about it, even if I know there’s no reason I should expect a gift. Also I didn’t bring him anything back from the trip, but that was because I didn’t have any spare room in our luggage, with all the gear and clothing we needed to bring, not for lack of consideration.

Thoughts?

There’s a way, it’s called parwnting. But someone as entitled as this wouldn’t know what that is.

She doesn’t work. 2 days a month is not working to the extend that she cannot take care of a household when her husband works full time. Why are the bars for women so low when it comes to taking personal responsibility.

Within his working hours, I completely agree. Child and house is her job for those hours.

Outside of working hours, it should be shared. This isn't a low bar for women, it's a standard bar for both men and women.

Why is the bar so low for men that the fact they work seems to be enough?

Get a cleaner in and tell him to pay for it

Why is the bar so low for men that the fact they work seems to be enough?

Because she doesn’t work - or at least very little.

Oh, another who thinks that childcare isn't work so if a man works and a woman is a SAHM they are automatically responsible for everything.

There are 112 hours in a week if you account for 8 hours sleep per night (lol, how many of us get that??). A full time job is around 40 hours. Why is a SAHP expected to work 112 hours a week but a working parents gets 72 hours free?

Because the SAHP doesn’t work without ceasing throughout their waking hours. And looking after one three year old is hardly so onerous that there’s no time to do the laundry and a bit of cleaning.

Ha ha, oh gosh yeah, the plane seat lady too, I hadn't realised! 😂

Oh heck, I don't want to be mean buttttt... Men get a rough ride on here at the best of times but sometimes really gotta wonder how much of the story you're hearing.

@FairPlayer274 You've created several threads in which you ask us if you're BU.
With little exception, you're being advised, in gentle and less-than-gentle ways, that yes indeed, many of us feel YAB(wildly)U in a variety of circumstances.

Yet, you have a retort and justification for most replies which suggests you're not really open to considering that your own behaviour and attitude may occasionally be the issue.
I don't doubt that your DH can be a pain, or that your DD may not respond in the ideal way to your preferred trips etc, but I honestly feel like you're demanding huge amounts from them and maybe a little self-reflection may be in order.

I hope you're ok ❤️

I assume there were openings that could be closed? In my experience of camping it's almost impossible not to know when anyone breathes in too deeply, let alone unzips the door and wanders off.

The bears thing I can sort of see, although that seems part of the whole adventure of camping in an area that potentially has bears - I think in the UK it seems like a big deal but perhaps less so in areas used to big wildlife. The escaping the tent? Not sure I'd worry about that too much more than general awareness of where your child is at any given moment.

I wanted to clarify some things, before I log off permanently:

I didn’t go to DH with these feelings about the state of the house because I wasn’t sure if they were valid. That’s why I came here, to try to figure that out. I don’t have any friends to go to with this sort of thing, and I don’t want to badmouth DH in any way to any family members; that never goes well long-term. For me, this is sort of like a diary that gives (occasionally very nasty, occasionally very helpful) feedback from readers.

I am quite content with the way DH and I split our responsibilities like, 99% of the time. I recognize that I don’t WOH or actively contribute to the finances very much, though I do save my family a lot of money through the work I do perform, in and outside the home. DH is content with the arrangement as well.

I think if I didn’t have to go away for a stressful work event again so soon, I wouldn’t mind playing catch up so much. I’m gonna see how much I can get done in the next few days before needing to pack, and then hire someone to do the rest. I also recognize it was my choice to go on a physically challenging holiday with a not-quite-4 yo, and while enjoyable, I probably should have predicted being knackered upon our return and planned accordingly, which this thread has helped me to see. (Also she was not cold, hungry, or excessively dirty. Just a bit dirtier than usual. There were much younger children camping out with their families as well, enjoying themselves in their adorable little snowsuits! She wouldn’t wander out of the tent into the unfamiliar countryside at night on her own, either; at least if, for whatever reason, she’d tried, she would have woken me up. She was safe.)

Next time I go away by myself, I’ll ask DH to do some cleaning, if he’s not exhausted by his job (which, he very often is. It’s a very mentally stressful job. I try to be understanding of it.) He works late 2-3 nights a week, so picking up DD on time from her school (which she normally attends 2x a week) isn’t feasible for him. That’s why she comes with me on my trips and goes to her grandparents’ for care when I’m working for longer than a weekend. We occasionally go on holidays without DD, if we can find her care for that time.

I don’t know about anyone else’s house, family, situation, or cleaning standards. But I know how long it takes to clean my home to DH’s standards, in between caring for DD and doing other pressing tasks. I am naturally very messy and tolerant of dirt (hence my affection for outdoor activities like hiking and camping), but DH likes things very clean, and very tidy. Unfortunately, he also really hates doing housework, and would rather live in a dirty house, sleep in a dirty bed, and run out of clean clothing after ten days than do any cleaning himself. (Yes, I do need to get off the internet and get to work!)

It’s a lot emotionally to deal with his stress and dissatisfaction with the house in addition to his disappointment and taking it personally when I decline an invitation to spend time with him… because I need to clean and take care of things at home. He said he would be more than happy to pay for a cleaner to come, if it meant we could spend more time together.

Right, I think that’s everything. Farewell MNs of all kinds. Thanks for your insights.

Expecting to be bankrolled by a partners well paid job while you work 2 days per month. I'd call that great expectations.

Maybe so, but that doesn't make the women right and the men wrong. I think OP is being very unreasonable.

You need to hire a cleaner, to come in a few times a week. Problem solved. It is very cheeky of you to expect him to clean on top of his high stress job, if it were the other way around and he expected you to clean people would be telling you to LTB. Get a housekeeper/cleaner.

I didn't think you could name change mid-thread?

I think there is no point in saying anything else to you on this thread. You can't reason or sympathise with someone who thinks taking a 4 year old camping in bear country, the other side of the Atlantic, is a good idea for a holiday.

Your poor husband and daughter! They have a raw deal, I fear.

To be fair to the OP - that is their agreed arrangement.
However - why should she clean up any mess when she wasn't even there!

OMG I've just realised that this OP is the one whose daughter kicked a seat on a plane and got angry when the woman in front objected. The poor husband. OP, you are the very definition of spoiled and entitled. Get a grip.

Leave his laundry in the hamper. He can do it when you are away with work next.

Get a grip, the OP had no issue with the woman in front being unhappy about her chair being kicked, she had an issue with the woman dealing with it in an unecessarily aggressive and offensive manner.

Some folks do like to re-write history eh!

Read the thread again. I would also recommend doing an AS on the OP. Bit of an eye opener.

I could say “It was a sunny day, so I put some shorts and sunscreen on DD and we walked to the shop to get ice cream. They didn’t have chocolate, but she enjoyed her vanilla ice cream anyway. On the way back, some speeding driver almost ran us over in a crosswalk with a “yield to pedestrians” sign.I wish people would pay more attention while driving”

And you would go “You dragged your poor, fragile child down the street in the glaring, sunniest part of the day without any protection, in order to feed her toxic garbage, threw a tantrum over them not having the niche flavour that YOU picked out for your child, and then couldn’t be bothered to look both ways while crossing the street. Now you’re blaming everyone else for your shit parenting! You’re so entitled. This is so eye opening to what kind of person you are.”

It’s almost comical

She chose to go on holiday and not arrange cover for her normal tasks.

How many people "arrange cover" for the housework when one of the people who owns and lives in the house will still be there!?

I don't go visit my parents (4 hours away) and "arrange cover" for my share of the housework. DH just does what needs doing while he's in the house. Same as I do when he goes away.

You're hilarious.

Arrange cover? What does that mean? Have someone come in every day to clean around her DH? Hire someone in to wash his clothes? I think you're thinking of a carer

You have a plant sitter? You don't have moss that needs spritzing regularly by any chance, do you?