Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

[Clariey]

Okay first of all, I want to clarify, I love my daughters more than I love anyone on this planet, that’s not what this is about.

Background, I have 2 daughters, they are 19 and 21. Lovely girls, both still live at home and I think like most families we have our issues but I love them deeply. As they have gotten older I’ve struggled at times with “liking” them, it’s tricky to explain, as they have all the traits one would want their child to have, they are kind and intelligent, they are funny and in every way I’m proud of them.
However there are traits they both have that sometimes irritate me, a lack of self-awareness, a desperate need to follow every trend and sometimes I feel they lack any originality and seem to be incapable of thinking truly for themselves. We can’t discuss politics as they just regurgitate opinions heard on social media, they pick holidays based on wherever some influencer has said is cool. It often feels like I could be talking to any late teen/early 20s girl. This frustrates me as I’ve always believed in the power of forming your own thoughts and opinions, I feel like this often what makes someone really interesting.

My step-daughter is 22, she moved in with us in September as she moved to the uk for her masters. I never really knew her before this, my husband and her mother were never a couple, she was raised by her mother in one country most of the year then spent summers with her dad in another. When she first moved in with us, I found her hard to read, intensely private and to be honest I didn’t really get her or like her. I loved her as an extension of my husband but didn’t really know her as an individual. Over the months I’ve gotten to know her and I have realised I really like her as a person. She doesn’t seem fussed by trends, not in a contrarian way where if something is trendy she must hate it, more in a I like what I like regardless of the popularity sense. She is incredibly intelligent, she reads books by authors I’ve never heard of, is capable of having meaningful conversations about most topics, from politics to feminism and history. She’s happy to have her view point challenged and her supporting arguments are never “such and such on TikTok said such and such”. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think she is perfect, I think she can be extremely cynical and seems to be permanently dissatisfied with the world.

Lately I’ve felt like I’d rather talk to my stepdaughter than my own children, not because I don’t love my children or enjoy their presence but I sometimes find their life boring. They surround themselves by people who are just like them, all caught up in a whirlwind of trends. Conversations quickly turn to arguments as they get defensive if I ever question a thought process (my theory here is they don’t have a thought process but rather they are regurgitating an opinion, they can’t defend it or talk about it in any real depth as it’s not their own).

On the flip, I feel like my step-daughter challenges me intellectually which I really enjoy. She teaches me things I never knew, has recommended some books to me which have left me feeling haunted and changed as a person. Equally she is receptive to criticism, she is open to discussing anything in depth and being challenged on her views and even conceding that her own opinions aren’t always correct. I know partially it is because she isn’t my daughter, we don’t have the same bond or relationship and probably look at each other more as equals than my own daughters and I do (I think they view me as past my best and a relic of the past while I often view them as naive and immature). Then there is the fact that my step-daughter grew up in a very different world to my own, learning about her childhood, her home city and her culture is all fascinating to me.

Last night I was chatting to my step-daughter and my own daughter wanted to change the topic to a date she had been on recently. I realised I felt a sense of dread at hearing about it as it’s always the same story with a different character. However when my step-daughter goes to share a story from a date she’s been on I am keen to listen, this is because she often has more profound views on the dates, her standards for men are higher and she’s attracted to more interesting people. I felt awful afterwards as in my mind my own children should be my priority, I should be grateful that they want to let me into their life and me being bored by it makes me feel like a bad mother, they are my own flesh and blood, how can I be anything but excited to hear what they have to share?

Now I can’t sleep, I feel like I’ve let my children down in some way, both by comparing them to my step-daughter when they are wonderful people in their own right but also by failing to instil some of these qualities in them.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Am I awful and unreasonable for feeling this way?

These are the children you raised and a ‘better’ person was raised by someone else. I should imagine your daughters know how you feel, even if you think you’re hiding it.

You raised your dds. If you’re not satisfied with how they are, I would say to learn about their world and about how to challenge their thinking. Ie get reading and studying. This will give you the scope to learn from them and expand who you are. What you’re doing right now is passive learning, which of course is interesting, but doesn’t upskill you in areas to upskill your kids.

Interesting you find both daughters like this. I think you probably feel like this is your fault as you’ve raised them, like they have disappointed you as they are not like your step daughter, who is the opposite. You don’t really mention any good points to your daughters either, don’t mention if they intelligent etc but mention a lot about the step daughter. It almost sounds like a crush. I don’t mean that in a weird way but I mean it’s like you’re only really seeing the good sides to her. I think also from the sounds of it you may find that your daughters are dismissive of you, you mentioned old and past it and you see them as immature and naive. Whilst you enjoy in-depth conversations with SD and find the conversations with Ds boring.

I wouldnt say you are a bad mother at all for thinking this and you’re not being unreasonable to have these feelings. These are your feelings after all. I do not know what to suggest but do not ever tell your daughters or anyone about these feelings (maybe a priest) they would find it extremely hurtful and could even cause the relationship to break down.

Also expect you may get flamed on here

“Cynical and permanently dissatisfied”
Honestly, that’s just the definition of smart and being hyper aware of the world.

She was brought up in part by the person who you love so that’s absolutely understandable. Enjoy her company. You’re not doing anything wrong.

I did start with saying they are intelligent, kind and funny and I am very very proud of them.

You are right I probably don’t see the bad sides of my step-daughter as often. I don’t think she is happy or at least not as happy as my daughters. She seems to be permanently upset about something, the world is never quite to her likening, her standards and expectations are always very high but that’s the only flaw I ever really see. I’m sure there are more but we don’t have a mother daughter relationship and I’m still getting to know her.

Sorry it was a long post and trying to remember everything you said, but yes you did. My mistake.

I would say that I got a feeling my nana felt like this when we would go out, she always seem really impressed by girls who were more intelligent, spoke nicer, were more well behaved. She was older and believed children should behave a certain way so it could be that but it hurt as I knew she was comparing us. She would bring up comments about other kids and their achievements whilst not really saying anything about me.

I think it’s the UK in general has become a rather shallow nation, with too many people growing up to think they shouldn’t need to work hard and should just be allowed to get by. This is reflected by all the voices against any sort of educational standard, even just plain basic ones, for example kids need to learn timestable properly, or the end of primary school sat test.

But you’re not proud of them without qualification - by your own admission you think them boring (being ‘bored’ by her discussion). Obviously I don’t know you, but your daughters will know how you feel. It’s interesting that you consider your step daughter’s standards and high expectations are her weakness, but that’s what you seem to find lacking in your daughters.

If kids are brought up being allowed on social media a great amount of time don't be weird about it when that's all they have to talk about. We need the decision no social media and even online gaming is at a minimum and classed as a treat this week have 4 children that never shut up, have a wide range of topics and opinions which I wouldn't change ☺️

Did you try to encourage the kind of mindset you now admire in your SD, in your own daughters when you were bringing them up? Did you debate topics and challenge them to think in different ways, talk about books and newspaper articles and discuss TV programmes etc?

I don’t think you should have the expectation that your own children will challenge your views or teach you things or have an interesting take on a date they went on (of course it’s great when they do, but it’s not their job to do this- fine to have this standard for your actual similar-age to you friends, but your early 20s daughters don’t need to fulfil this role.) I’d be very wary of them picking up on the feeling of irritation you have that they’re not as interesting or intelligent or ‘deep’ as your SD, and it starting to drive a wedge between you.

She's 'new' and has new things to say. Plus isn't from the uk so maybe has different cultural references.

And you know your daughters inside out. You know they're about to say 'oh wow how I wish I had a bum like Kim Kardashian' and your stepdaughter says 'who's that?'

Over the years my now adult kids have brought home a child or two who I've found fascinating for their views on Greenpeace or opinions on farming and the economy.

One went on to be an actor and would quote Shakespeare at me whilst acting things out. My kids looked like lumpen proletariat in comparison.

But I LOVE my children much much more and they're first in line for one of my kidneys.

She's just new and fresh to you and soon you'll find it irritating that she's an utter bitch if you don't buy the right asparagus and wish she'd dial it down and talk about bums.

I think you would benefit from going to an absorbing arty club with some peers.

I would place bets that your daughters are not just regurgitating opinions from social media. I would bet my right arm that they are whole, considered, aware people who have formed their own opinions and thought processess. Because most people who are "kind, intelligent and funny" - as you say your daughter's are - do.

You are devsluaing them in favour of a new shiny toy. You are putting more effort into liking your step daughter over your own daughters - probably because they are familiar to you, have always been there, and you're just not as interested.

Yes, that does make you a bad mother. Placing more effort and value into "new shiny people" who enter your life and then devaluing the people you already have and are close to is also a very narcissistic trait, a particularly gross one.

I'd say make more effort with your daughter's - but I'm unsure you'd bother, you've already made up your mind. If you cared at all, you might continue to not like them, but you might realise it's because you disagree with their considered opinions, rather than it being their fault for being airheads or whatever nonsense you're currently telling yourself.

it comes across as though you have inappropriately excessive expectations of your children. Expecting them to have fully formed political views with no influence from their main source of knowledge in the 21st century which is social media, is unrealistic especially as they are only early 20s. They haven't yet lived a life to be able to make sense of politics. Ask them in 10 years when they've lived independently, had to pay their bills, raise a family, hold down a steady job, etc, which is how you form meaningful opinions of what politics you subscribe to.

Slightly different perspective, you met her as an adult and have never needed to see her as anything other than an adult. She just sounds like a friend you enjoy hanging out with and chatting too. I have some friends I prefer talking too about the bigger topics. It doesn’t change my feeling for the people I love. She just sounds like a friend, enjoy it

Edit to add, it takes awhile to make friends with your parents as adults. I was probably early 20s before we hung out, give your kids some time to grow that friendship and fully realise the dynamic change from child/ parent relationship to adult/parent relationship

See I really disagree here, there are definitely some topics my children do just regurgitate opinions on and having directed them towards seeking other sources of information have been told flat out now. Such as I often fear my children lack the nuance and depth necessary to understand the war in Gaza. They often times sound almost anti-Semitic in the way they speak and defend this attitude with simple one liners. They have no idea of the history, and refuse to take the time to learn it.
Now I don’t really mind if at their ages they don’t want to go on a deep dive of history to understand, however it does bother me that they take their one dimensional understanding and use it as an excuse to be horrid at times.
I don’t deny social media has a place in learning now, it does however there is no amount of 60 second TikTok’s that will give someone a rounded view on a situation like the war in Gaza.
My stepdaughter on the other hand, sits far more neutral on the subject, admits that she doesn’t have a full grasp of the situation but is happy to learn, talk to people, read books and articles, learn about the history etc.
Its not that I disagree with my children’s political views as I don’t really, we all as a family sit on the left, however it bothers me when they can’t back their opinions up, I think that’s a really important skill.
I think their heart is in the right place and they are wonderfully kind girls (more so than my step daughter, who is more cautious with her kindness) but they haven’t yet developed the maturity to understand that the vast majority of things in life don’t have a clear right and wrong.
I also know they get their stubbornness from me, and at 18-22 I was probably equally shocked to be told I was wrong and reluctant to admit that I didn’t know everything!

In many ways I think what it comes down to is for various reasons (childhood and culture) step-daughter is mature beyond her years, I think this can make my children look immature in comparison when really they are exactly where they are meant to be at their ages. Maybe I ought to feel more sadness that step-daughter has been forced to grow up quickly and mature faster than anyone really should.

Yes I think this is a big part of it. I definitely love my children more than I love my stepdaughter, I am more fiercely protective of them and worry more about them.
I think I just enjoy the fresh perspectives step-daughter brings to the table and her willingness to both challenge and be challenged but really they are the qualities of a friend rather than a child.

I think you have to see that your daughters are at home under your roof with social media as their life raft for escapism . They don’t have full agency until its their roof so part of the fantasy is getting sucked into the matrix of online brainwashing where the road map is predictable unlike real life. They do have the challenges of blended family to navigate and they might be just escaping online a bit from that you just never know.

I do look back and cringe at myself for being swayed by the more 'interesting' children who've been through my house. I should have not blurred peer boundaries with them and just been strictly mumsy. I'm sure they went home and moaned to their own mothers about socks and Love Island.

Did either of your daughters move out for university or have they both lived with you while they were studying?

Don't think of her in comparison to your daughters but as an interesting person and someone you would choose as a friend.
Lucky you!

I suspect that them still living at home has something to do with it. You've known your own kids from birth, so you know so much about them, it's hard for you to see anything about them as new or interesting. I think it's not uncommon between adult kids and their parents - and it goes both ways.

They have both stayed home, and I do think this has made a difference. Step-daughter on the other hand has now lived in 3 countries (her birth country, uni in the country DH is from and now the UK). I think this has given her maturity and independence.

This from one of your recent posts stands out for me: In many ways I think what it comes down to is for various reasons (childhood and culture) step-daughter is mature beyond her years, I think this can make my children look immature in comparison when really they are exactly where they are meant to be at their ages.
They have been shaped by different experiences, and it is only now that you can view your Ds comparatively that you feel they do not measure up. Did you have these reservations about your girls before SD arrived?
What I am interested in is how the three girls get on together. Can SD have some positive influence over the others? She sounds a bit aloof for your daughters to influence her to lighten up a bit - they wouldn't all be going out for a drink I imagine.

None of them are children.

You will always love and support your family, but you will not necessarily have that much in common as friends.

Like all adult relationships, how you feel can also change over time.

All of the above is normal and healthy and, as long as your daughters know they are loved, you don’t need to beat yourself up about having a closer friendship with your stepdaughter.

I think that might be the issue. Once they move out they’ll develop a lot more independence and you’ll see them more as separate adults rather than this hybrid adult/ child state you have at the moment.

my daughter is 18 and waiting to know where she’s going to uni. I deeply hope she gets her first choice as her second choice she’d remain at home. I love the bones of her but I want her to spread her wings. Maybe that’s partly how you feel about your girls?