Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

[Clariey]

Okay first of all, I want to clarify, I love my daughters more than I love anyone on this planet, that’s not what this is about.

Background, I have 2 daughters, they are 19 and 21. Lovely girls, both still live at home and I think like most families we have our issues but I love them deeply. As they have gotten older I’ve struggled at times with “liking” them, it’s tricky to explain, as they have all the traits one would want their child to have, they are kind and intelligent, they are funny and in every way I’m proud of them.
However there are traits they both have that sometimes irritate me, a lack of self-awareness, a desperate need to follow every trend and sometimes I feel they lack any originality and seem to be incapable of thinking truly for themselves. We can’t discuss politics as they just regurgitate opinions heard on social media, they pick holidays based on wherever some influencer has said is cool. It often feels like I could be talking to any late teen/early 20s girl. This frustrates me as I’ve always believed in the power of forming your own thoughts and opinions, I feel like this often what makes someone really interesting.

My step-daughter is 22, she moved in with us in September as she moved to the uk for her masters. I never really knew her before this, my husband and her mother were never a couple, she was raised by her mother in one country most of the year then spent summers with her dad in another. When she first moved in with us, I found her hard to read, intensely private and to be honest I didn’t really get her or like her. I loved her as an extension of my husband but didn’t really know her as an individual. Over the months I’ve gotten to know her and I have realised I really like her as a person. She doesn’t seem fussed by trends, not in a contrarian way where if something is trendy she must hate it, more in a I like what I like regardless of the popularity sense. She is incredibly intelligent, she reads books by authors I’ve never heard of, is capable of having meaningful conversations about most topics, from politics to feminism and history. She’s happy to have her view point challenged and her supporting arguments are never “such and such on TikTok said such and such”. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think she is perfect, I think she can be extremely cynical and seems to be permanently dissatisfied with the world.

Lately I’ve felt like I’d rather talk to my stepdaughter than my own children, not because I don’t love my children or enjoy their presence but I sometimes find their life boring. They surround themselves by people who are just like them, all caught up in a whirlwind of trends. Conversations quickly turn to arguments as they get defensive if I ever question a thought process (my theory here is they don’t have a thought process but rather they are regurgitating an opinion, they can’t defend it or talk about it in any real depth as it’s not their own).

On the flip, I feel like my step-daughter challenges me intellectually which I really enjoy. She teaches me things I never knew, has recommended some books to me which have left me feeling haunted and changed as a person. Equally she is receptive to criticism, she is open to discussing anything in depth and being challenged on her views and even conceding that her own opinions aren’t always correct. I know partially it is because she isn’t my daughter, we don’t have the same bond or relationship and probably look at each other more as equals than my own daughters and I do (I think they view me as past my best and a relic of the past while I often view them as naive and immature). Then there is the fact that my step-daughter grew up in a very different world to my own, learning about her childhood, her home city and her culture is all fascinating to me.

Last night I was chatting to my step-daughter and my own daughter wanted to change the topic to a date she had been on recently. I realised I felt a sense of dread at hearing about it as it’s always the same story with a different character. However when my step-daughter goes to share a story from a date she’s been on I am keen to listen, this is because she often has more profound views on the dates, her standards for men are higher and she’s attracted to more interesting people. I felt awful afterwards as in my mind my own children should be my priority, I should be grateful that they want to let me into their life and me being bored by it makes me feel like a bad mother, they are my own flesh and blood, how can I be anything but excited to hear what they have to share?

Now I can’t sleep, I feel like I’ve let my children down in some way, both by comparing them to my step-daughter when they are wonderful people in their own right but also by failing to instil some of these qualities in them.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Am I awful and unreasonable for feeling this way?

Perhaps it’s quite obvious why there can’t be a two state solution when one state has justified the entire mass genocide of the other..? I mean. They’ve fucked that entirely, haven’t they? How could any Palestinian feel safe ever again! Imagine asking the Jewish people to live on equal terms with the nazis. It’s just insane. One side definitely won’t attack the other again. No, the leaders of Israel haven’t, in fact, likened Palestinians entirely to rats that need exterminated (they in fact have, quite openly.) and they definitely haven’t justified that they themselves deserve the entire country for themselves (again yes, they have quite publicly).

There is no two state solution when one state sees the other as less than human and deserving of complete eradication. Give your head a wobble.

Where did your SD grow up? You might, psychologically, be finding her ‘exotic’ in her ways which is something to unpack. We tend to find our own Britishness something to be contemptuous of.

Your step daughter is really a random stranger in your life and you find it easier to connect to her - have you considered your attachment style in this? People who are somewhat avoidant find it easier to connect with people without the emotional intensity that you get with eg daughters. You may be rationalising the connection you feel with her over her superior intelligence, but it may also be that interacting at this level feels more comfortable to you. If so, this goes back to childhood and some therapy for you would really help you understand what's going on. Your step daughter may be the same btw.

Maybe you are over thinking things by comparing your feelings for your own daughters to your stepdaughter? You didn't bring your stepdaughter up, so you weren't really mother figure to her, can you not just see her as a good and interesting friend and then you won't feel guilty about the comparison?

This is going to be a long post - there's a lot to unpack with what's going on here, and I want to help OP as much as possible while also being honest:

Simple answer to the question is: nope, you're a human being. The grass is often greener - and that includes people. If you spent as much time with the Step Daughter as you have your biological kids you'd probably find plenty to be annoyed about with her too (and the feeling would be mutual no doubt).

Remember that your daughters are, as others have pointed out, in significant part, a product of the way you raised and nurtured them. So they can be a reflection of your successes as a parent and also your failures. This is normal. Your daughters are also still quite young and are trying to figure out who they are and what they are doing in life - they are still growing as people. If you think they lack self awareness and need to work on that then you can teach them/encourage them. If they seem to be overly worried about trends and basing a personality on what other people perceive of as cool then it may be that they lack self confidence - including the confidence to figure out what they actually like, rather than just going along with what people think of as cool. There are all sorts of reasons why people do this - and lacking self-confidence is one of them. Though it's also perfectly possible that they absolutely LOVE fashion and find it incredibly interesting to learn about what new clothes and designs are coming down the pipeline.

It sounds that, unlike your SD, your daughters haven't really had much experience of the world, and haven't really ever had to defend their viewpoints (as vapid as they may be) to anyone but people who think the same way as they do. Understandable if they've never left home and had to live with different people who have challenged them. And given they are young it's not really their "fault" that they haven't had that experience: you were in control of where they lived, who they associated with, and how intellectually challenged they were. Your step daughter, by comparison, is fortunate enough to have lived in different countries/cities/communities and has had to be open to the views of others. The fact is that you are comparing apples to oranges here: your kids have never, it sounds like, ever spent any time anywhere but living at home with you. It's a shame that the one who went to uni remained at home - one of the main benefits to University is having to live with a load of people from different backgrounds with different viewpoints and having to get along with them, but of course it may have been that she couldn't afford to live in halls/move away. If she is still at uni can she do a year abroad? Can you encourage your younger daughter to do a university course or apprenticeship etc that requires training abroad? You say you are very protective of them: is it possible that you have been too protective? Have you encouraged them to get out of the house and go live elsewhere/travel/study elsewhere etc?

As for their immature/ignorant political/historical view: again that could well be a reflection of what they've grown up with. If you want them to become more worldly and informed then encourage them in a positive manner: because making them feel lesser certainly isn't going to work. Very simple things you can do: if they are still at home then get some subscriptions to magazines that do cover world issues in an interesting and engaging way: Private Eye, The New Yorker (a fantastic magazine); the Economist (a bit dry at times but it's still fascinating). Play podcasts in the house when you are puttering around that are an easy listen and challenge normally accepted views of the world (Malcolm Gladwell's "Revisionist History/Histories" is a good example of a podcast that does this.

Of course it's always possible that even if you had stocked the house with books/magazines/very learned visitors and travelled the world with them they would still be insufferably vapid and dull. Speak to anyone who has mutliple children and they'll all generally be very different with differing levels of intellectual curiosity. Chances are that if they were intellectually superior/more intellectually inquisitive than you that you'd probably find you thought they were "know it alls" and found them annoying. The thing is that your step daughter is a novel arrival, and you are likely still both somewhat on your best behaviour: so you are seeing her best qualities rather than what she's like when she's being a complete pain in the ass. She can probably tell that you are comparing her to her own kids, and it's human nature to rather enjoy that if it's being done in a positive way - so she could be acting in an agreeable fashion. An example: when I first met my ex-in-laws they seemed delightful, and were so encouraging of me etc etc - I thought they were far more interesting and engaging than people in my family. But when they stopped being on their best behaviour the truth was that it was all a facade for some deep seated highly problematic behaviours that became more and more concerning and upsetting - they made the people I had previously thought of as boring and dull seem absolute saints by comparison.

If you really are concerned about this situation and wondering what is prompting it all/how you can better interact with and encourage your children and "like them" more, then therapy is the way forward. Mothers and daughters usually have a pretty tense/complicated relationship at times - especially at the ages you are describing. For my own part: I like my mum a lot more now that I am middle aged than I did when I was a teenager - and I am sure the feeling is mutual. She also acts very differently when she is just with me, versus when my other sisters are around - and I've done a lot of work in therapy to, among other things, understand why this is and why she is the way she is (and why I am the way I am). It helps a ton to do that work. I should say that in our family I am more akin to the person you are describing in your step daughter, and my middle sister is the far less travelled/well read/intellectually
inquisitive/independent. Alas we were "pigeon holded" by our father in particular when we were growing up: he viewed me as the intellectual/booksmart one, and viewed her as the "girlygirl/princess/"oh she's never liked reading books" one - which is a shitty way to treat kids, and has made her believe that she is somehow "stupid" - she isn't, she's just not been encouraged. I loathe that she/we were treated that way - and it's readily apparent that he was entirely incorrect to do that - but he isn't a particularly "bright bulb" and refuses to do any work on himself whatsoever. Our youngest sister is a sort of mix but I do think she is also ND - and is also highly strung and very very defensive, so even though she is smart and interested in the world she lacks the ability to have a conversation about such stuff without taking a difference of opinion personally, or being able to "go with the flow" when having those chats...and, like my other sister, has never lived anywhere different, never lived alone, and only ever been in a relationship with one guy (I KNOW!!!). We all drive each other utterly bonkers. But I love them dearly and would defend them to the ends of the earth.

Hope that helps: you aren't being unreasonable, you are being honest. And I think you would benefit from doing a bit of work with a therapist to try to figure this out. Keep encouraging your daughters: give them positive encouragement and whatever you do please don't ever make them think you wish they were more like your step daughters: you won't be able to take those words back, and it's the sort of thing that a child will internalise and be deeply hurt by.

I actually think this is an interesting thread op.

It presents as being about step parenting but I think in fact it’s more about a sobering awakening as to just where our culture is headed atm. The fact this person arrived in your home to create that contrast is less about your love for your DD’s and more about societal trends I think.

This is a very good point and very well said!

I don't think it has been or is always about Gaza. I think that was just an example OP used. It seems that OP is interested in the world and culture in general and that's why she in enjoying talking to her SD as she is quite intellectual.

There is a mismatch in interests between OP and her DDs so she may never have those types of discussions with her DDs and that's why she is enjoying being able to have them with her SD. The same way OP doesn't want to discuss Love Island or whatever her DDs are into, her DDs aren't interested in discussing the latest Murakami book. None of them are wrong and it doesn't mean that the DDs are unlovable or not interesting, they are just more of a blank canvas than the SD so there are less topics to talk about.

Thos doesn't have to be a bad feeling that you retreat from, instead it's a mirror held up to your parenting and family dynamics, one you can do something about.

You now realise that staying home for uni and staying in their comfort zone has made their world small. So expand it, suggest they spend the summer inter-railing or at camp America, or anything that will broaden their minds. When you finish a great book, lend it to a DD, tell her she'll love it. Take them to the theatre or a weekend away. Your DDs and SD would benefit from developing their own relationship as well, without you being in the middle.

You point out that your daughters are happy and funny, kind and intelligent. Their views are not what you want them to be or not as in depth as you would like. Your stepdaughter has the attributes for long 'intelligent' discussions. Yet you say she seems unhappy. As someone who is intellectual I would wish to not be as in depth as i am, it can be exhausting. You should be glad your daughters are enjoying life without being bogged down with the state of the world or analysing every tiny thing. Much better to be like that than over opinionated and serious, especially at their age. I would worry more about your stepdaughter's unhappiness. I believe you think you like her better due to the 'adult' conversation she brings to you. This has made you see your daughters in a different, dare I say disappointing light which as you probably know is completely unfair. I have two stepdaughters whom I've known since they were teens when I found some of their regurgitated political views hard to stomach. Now they are approaching their thirties they have a more open, educated view of the world but we don't talk politics etc a lot. We talk about movies and books and TV and life in general without being 'heavy' and I love it.

Yes I agree.

Don’t see this as a negative op. Your DD’s lives are just beginning. Use this as inspiration for how they could open up their thought processes.

It’s not about who loves who the most. It’s about seeing what is possible.

We can all get a bit stuck looking at the flowers in our own garden. Sometimes it’s good to peer over the fence.

@Clariey

why did they both stay at home for uni, OP? I agree it does make a difference. Are they planning on moving out and living with boyfriends and/or friends any time soon? That would be good for them and their development.

I would argue that because OP’s step daughter could come across as more intellectual than her own DD (based on her rejection of social media and her enjoyment of sounding intellectual) it does wonders for OP’s own ego. Then the disagreements with her own DD’s are not due to her own misunderstandings of them, it is because she is smarter and more informed.

Incels often feel this way about Joe Rogan or Andrew Tate. They read highly intellectual books and have highly intellectual discussions with men that all agree with each other that they are in fact, correct and superior. These silly little girls only care about their nails and their friends and being cool. They just watch Love Island and we read books they haven’t heard of. We aren’t like them. They can’t understand our level.

It’s very yawn. I think if I was OP’s daughter I would only discuss things on a surface level too. That kind of superiority complex is usually as obvious as it is blatantly incorrect. SD is fanning OP’s ego in a way her own daughters do not.

Love island and related reality TV shows make for interesting conversation in terms of the ethics etc. You don't have to talk about whether Wendy and Wesley will pick each other

@Clariey ahes obviously a bit more mature and easier to engage with in a proper adult way, your girls are likely to also get their in time, i wouldn't overthink it! Toddlers and Teenagers can be brutal to engage with even if they are your own, this stage will pass too

Sorry to say, but it sounds like your step daughter was raised by a more accomplished mother than you have been to your daughters. I get they are grown ups now, but we are all intensely shaped by our childhoods and early experiences, and you appear to have raised two vacuous sounding women.

I think the trouble here is that you’re comparing them to each other because of their age and relation to you. If your SD was ten years older and a colleague, you might enjoy conversation with her and not even think about your daughters in the same context. Your dd’s are very young and will change so much over the decades. I don’t recognise the girl I was at 19/21, I couldn’t have backed my opinions up as well then as I can now either. Also, it’s not always fun to have those kinds of conversations with your parents. At that stage of life, young people are often desperate to be independent and tired of listening to their parents. So you telling them to read about this or that is likely to be met with resistance. Once they fly the nest and have lived independently for a while, the relationship changes and that resistance might drop a bit. My point is, try not to compare. Your dd’s have so much time ahead of them to develop and learn from the world. You can enjoy your sd’s company in a different way and that’s ok.

OP can you stop comparing these girls? They haven’t entered a competition. There are things about your SC that really strike a chord with you. Great. You adore your DC whilst rolling your eyes at some of their attitudes. Fine. It’s all normal and OK unless you make a crisis of it.

Maybe op wants more for her daughters than nails and Love Island. Perhaps op cobsiders those things very “ yawn.”

But if we don’t pit women against each other and make it clear certain interests make them inferior how will we ever feel good about ourselves!?

I bet you like the colour pink too, because you’ve been TOLD TO! Not because it’s independently a beautiful colour or makes you happy or anything like that. Typical girl! 😉

And perhaps many women get their PHD’s while unwinding watching trash tv with their friends, all while having beautiful nails and 3 thousand instagram followers:

perhaps that’s just fine and she should be happy women have the choice to live in a way that makes them happy while in fact taking time to disagree with their parents on political views.

The difference in all the girls dispositions is interesting:

I don’t think she is happy or at least not as happy as my daughters. She seems to be permanently upset about something, the world is never quite to her likening, her standards and expectations are always very high but that’s the only flaw I ever really see.

That's a very hard way to navigate life. You should be proud that you raised your DDs in a way to feel secure enough to approach life as happy and fun.

You suggest that DSD had to mature fast due to her circumstances and correct me if I am wrong but you both seem to sneer at your DDs for being a typical teenager and 21year old?

I get the impression that your DSD is a bit of fun sponge - does she hang out socially with your DD? Do you both have the same slightly negative and serious energy - is there space to your to incorporate their frivolity and lightness into you and your DSD lives similiar to your desire that they incorportate political and historical depth of current affairs into theirs?

You have an adult friendship with your stepdaughter OP - that's the difference. Your judgement is clouded by her being your stepdaughter, but in reality, she's a friend you get on with because you have loads in common and like each other's company. Don't compare the relationship with the mother/daughter bond you have with your daughters because it's not the same at all.

Perhaps.

Honestly, OP, I would suggest doing a course or other intellectual study - gaining a qualification if possible - and showing your own daughters by your own example that there’s more to life than TikTok. Talking to them w