Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

[Clariey]

Okay first of all, I want to clarify, I love my daughters more than I love anyone on this planet, that’s not what this is about.

Background, I have 2 daughters, they are 19 and 21. Lovely girls, both still live at home and I think like most families we have our issues but I love them deeply. As they have gotten older I’ve struggled at times with “liking” them, it’s tricky to explain, as they have all the traits one would want their child to have, they are kind and intelligent, they are funny and in every way I’m proud of them.
However there are traits they both have that sometimes irritate me, a lack of self-awareness, a desperate need to follow every trend and sometimes I feel they lack any originality and seem to be incapable of thinking truly for themselves. We can’t discuss politics as they just regurgitate opinions heard on social media, they pick holidays based on wherever some influencer has said is cool. It often feels like I could be talking to any late teen/early 20s girl. This frustrates me as I’ve always believed in the power of forming your own thoughts and opinions, I feel like this often what makes someone really interesting.

My step-daughter is 22, she moved in with us in September as she moved to the uk for her masters. I never really knew her before this, my husband and her mother were never a couple, she was raised by her mother in one country most of the year then spent summers with her dad in another. When she first moved in with us, I found her hard to read, intensely private and to be honest I didn’t really get her or like her. I loved her as an extension of my husband but didn’t really know her as an individual. Over the months I’ve gotten to know her and I have realised I really like her as a person. She doesn’t seem fussed by trends, not in a contrarian way where if something is trendy she must hate it, more in a I like what I like regardless of the popularity sense. She is incredibly intelligent, she reads books by authors I’ve never heard of, is capable of having meaningful conversations about most topics, from politics to feminism and history. She’s happy to have her view point challenged and her supporting arguments are never “such and such on TikTok said such and such”. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think she is perfect, I think she can be extremely cynical and seems to be permanently dissatisfied with the world.

Lately I’ve felt like I’d rather talk to my stepdaughter than my own children, not because I don’t love my children or enjoy their presence but I sometimes find their life boring. They surround themselves by people who are just like them, all caught up in a whirlwind of trends. Conversations quickly turn to arguments as they get defensive if I ever question a thought process (my theory here is they don’t have a thought process but rather they are regurgitating an opinion, they can’t defend it or talk about it in any real depth as it’s not their own).

On the flip, I feel like my step-daughter challenges me intellectually which I really enjoy. She teaches me things I never knew, has recommended some books to me which have left me feeling haunted and changed as a person. Equally she is receptive to criticism, she is open to discussing anything in depth and being challenged on her views and even conceding that her own opinions aren’t always correct. I know partially it is because she isn’t my daughter, we don’t have the same bond or relationship and probably look at each other more as equals than my own daughters and I do (I think they view me as past my best and a relic of the past while I often view them as naive and immature). Then there is the fact that my step-daughter grew up in a very different world to my own, learning about her childhood, her home city and her culture is all fascinating to me.

Last night I was chatting to my step-daughter and my own daughter wanted to change the topic to a date she had been on recently. I realised I felt a sense of dread at hearing about it as it’s always the same story with a different character. However when my step-daughter goes to share a story from a date she’s been on I am keen to listen, this is because she often has more profound views on the dates, her standards for men are higher and she’s attracted to more interesting people. I felt awful afterwards as in my mind my own children should be my priority, I should be grateful that they want to let me into their life and me being bored by it makes me feel like a bad mother, they are my own flesh and blood, how can I be anything but excited to hear what they have to share?

Now I can’t sleep, I feel like I’ve let my children down in some way, both by comparing them to my step-daughter when they are wonderful people in their own right but also by failing to instil some of these qualities in them.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Am I awful and unreasonable for feeling this way?

… will only make them defensive.

Exactly this. PP said she perhaps wants more for her daughters. OP described DD’s as happy, intelligent and kind. While describing DSD as intelligent and fundamentally dissatisfied with life and the world.

Listen. I have been a jaded intellectual since childhood and it took me into my late 30’s before I started to find the joy in letting go and enjoying things the way that seems to come natural to OP’s DD. No, I would never be caught dead watching reality shows or even owning a tv. I had my books and Russian literature doesn’t read itself.

I’d rather my children just be happy, intelligent and kind to be perfectly fucking honest. I don’t exactly yearn for them to live with the kind of dissatisfaction with life OP describes as being a clear part of her DSD’s personality.

@Clariey You’re not a bad mother. You sound like a wonderful mother.

Your DC sound pretty typical of many of their age group. Informed by social media. I have disagreements over politics etc with my DC of a similar age. I don’t let them get heated. I challenge them on the evidence for their arguments. IMHO, it teaches them how to reason and to be fully informed. And DC of that age will often wind their parents up by saying stuff they know will antagonise. I remember I used to. They’ll rarely tell you you’ve shaped their views, even though you have.

It’s wonderful you get on so well with your SD. She may become a lifelong friend. But the key is not to compare anyone with anyone else. We’re all different because of our different experiences and influences. You have a very different relationship with her than with your DDs: you met her as an adult.

Carry on enjoying all of their company. Encourage your DDs to tell you about their experiences (e.g dates) and views in their own way. It’s good they talk to you and you can reason with them and explain your views and thoughts. They’re learning from you how to be a well-informed, reasoned woman.

But the OP has raised two daughters who are into 'yawn' subjects, and perhaps the OP was too in the past and has only recently started thinking there is more to life. If the OP was always so interested in widening her horizons in terms of literature and politics, then she would have noticed how boring her children were long before now. Sounds like the daughters haven't changed, but the mother has - but she is now reaping what she has sewn in terms of her daughters' personalities and interests. The OP reminds me of a man whose head has been turned by a younger woman in a way.

OP can I ask how you form your views on subjects? What did you study at university? I am curious about how you form your opinions and your rigour in accessing information available to you. Have you travelled through the Middle East and do you have friends from a range of countries in your social circle? Otherwise maybe you are so impressed by your SD because she is validating your own relatively limited understanding of the world. I’m assuming that your daughters did not go to university - why was that? If you have always taken an intellectually curious view then this seems very surprising. Picking up on their opinions on one of the most complex and intractable issues of modern times is quite an extreme example. I do remember many years ago a friends Spanish cousin came to our school for a term, we were so in awe of her, so desperate for her attention. I think you may be similarly in awe.

You've known your stepdaughter for less than a year. I'd imagine traits like "permanently upset about something" will start to grate eventually! And for what its worth, I think very very few people really form their own opinions. And that includes very intelligent, well-travelled & well-read people (I used to work in academia - academics are just as susceptible to groupthink and peer approval as anyone else IME). We're all influenced by peer groups, the desire for status and acceptance etc. My guess is your stepdaughter has her own niche / peer group / online subculture. She might not necessarily be any more independent-minded / exotic than your DDs. Genuinely original 19yos are pretty thin on the ground!

Agreed. It actually shows a real intellectual
immaturity on OP’s part.

I think you sound pretentious. You SD is from another county so she has a different culture which is novel and so interesting to you.

Your daughters might hear stuff on social media but that doesn’t mean that those opinions are just regurgitated, they obviously appeal to their world view. Social media gives us different perspectives and so they’re listening to the ones that appeal to them. They probably tire of you trying to debate with them whenever you question their opinion and demand they go and read x y or a to get better informed.

They sound like nice young girls who are just trying to live their lives and learn as they go. You’re expecting them to have concrete well informed political and social opinions when they’ve not even left home. And you view this as them being shallow.

You have no idea what your SD friendship group are like, her peers may be like her, trying to be cool by being alternative. You think she’s an independent thinker but it’s very unusual for people at that age to not want to fit in with the crowd.

i think people in the replies are taking it at face value that your daughters are brainwashed social media addicted boring girls. My bet is that they just don’t agree with you and are bored with your constant attempts to ‘challenge’ their views

I think though what people are picking up on is a tendency in young people to not think for themselves. There is a lot of group think culture at present - and a lot of pressure to go along with it.

I hear what you are saying about happiness, and yes, of course that matters. But I think what people worry about is how happy can you really be if just getting swept along without really feeling able or equipped to explore your own thoughts? There are an awful lot of things that come to us pre-packaged and pre-labelled today. People deride religion for this, but it’s similar in terms of its rigidity. The philosophy - such as it is - is also built on fundamental fallacies such as being about tolerance when in fact that is being hijacked to mean toleration is key so long as it’s not an attitude they can’t tolerate themselves. It also boxes and labels people who don’t fit in with their dictates. In this environment, it’s small wonder that op finds it refreshing to meet a young person who says “ I can see room for that argument.”

Naaa, you are just bored and she is a novelty. When the novelty wears off, you won't like her more.

So I see it as you have a good personality match. She isn't your daughter and you get on well almost as a friend. Nothing wrong with that. And nothing wrong with not having a friendship with your daughters. They are your daughters and you are their parent.

Not all mothers and daughters share the same interests and opinions.

Your step daughter is your husbands daughter and you don't have a mother daughter bond. Enjoy the little friendship you have and don't worry about it.

But his daughter and your daughters aren't on the same hierarchy in your family as in you and your daughters.... so I don't see the need to compare! If that makes sense.

You are more like your daughters than you think. Just like their fascination with all things insta you too have been influenced and dazzled by this bright new thing.

But like everything that dazzles the shine will wear off and you will realise that the bond between you and your daughters is the one that is real.

This is a very honest and interesting thread @Clariey . Im raising a teenage girl and I do worry about her becoming trapped in a SM mindset, so I encourage conversations on all things and appreciate her challenging my thinking and vice versa.

I breathed a sigh of relief recently when she asked me the basis of my beliefs on certain topics and whether I ever think I may be on the wrong side of an argument. I thought phew - critical thinking is happening.

Your stepdaughter sounds a fantastic young woman, but keep communicating with your daughter's; who may yet mature in their thoughts; especially if they're having thought provoking conversations.

Do you have friends of your own op? Perhaps the problem

I think the world view your daughters have is limited, due to their lack of exposure in certain areas.

You're not a bad mother for the way you feel.

I have 2 daughters with the same age gap yours have. They're a bit older, but I would feel like you if they just followed the latest trend and swore by tiktok.

My girls both left home for university, they do travel and embrace other cultures. My youngest just did a solo trip to Spain, to help with her Spanish.

They're not perfect by any means, but they're intelligent and articulate themselves well.

People are blaming you for the way they are, but I think that's unfair. Your girls are like a lot of people their age in the UK. They may change a bit in time (they're still young) , but they need to get out and have different experiences.

Although I was born here, I don't originate from the UK, so my daughters have another culture and I think that plays a big part in it.

As a child, I spent some time living out of the UK and that made me different and more aware of more than the latest trend, even though social media wasn't a thing back then.

This is what I was going to say.

Our society is so dumbed down now, achievement and wisdom are almost despised in our schools and children are encouraged to parrot the latest acceptable tropes instead of being taught to think for themselves. Kids seem to be taught with iPad apps instead of books and attention spans are falling. There is only so much a parent can do within this milieu.

Im guessing your SD was raised in France, judging by the book list.

Wow. What a response.

This is not a criticism of you. You’re obviously trying to be thoughtful about this. You’re very very lucky to have a nice stepchild. She’s 19 though so not in the adult friend category. Don’t elevate her like that. Most importantly she’s also a kid just like yours, who needs you to make her feel secure at your home. Focus on that. it sounds like she has been through a lot of difficult life experiences. Of course she feels like she has to befriend you and impress you. She’s on her absolute best behaviour. That’s exhausting. Let her know she can relax with you. You accept her in a maternal way, she’s always welcome, you’re not going anywhere. She doesn’t have to perform for you to be accepted.

When she’s older in five years or so and not living with you, then maybe she can be your adult friend if you are both lucky.
In the meantime work on your own social life with adults your age. Let your daughters be who they are. They sound fine- raising kind girls is great.

Though typical of the attitudes we are concerned about …

It’s generational.

Most parents of young adults grew up pre-internet. We had to read (books, newspapers, magazines) or watch mainstream TV for our information. Doom scrolling, poorly-informed wannabes spouting nonsense, and likes are a whole different kettle of fish.

Plus, young adults tend to want to rebel. If you have a mother who’s well-informed and bookish, if you were taken to museums and art galleries as a kid, one way to rebel is to be vacuous. Especially if that’s the zeitgeist. Far from being a reflection of poor parenting, it can be pushback against good parenting.

They’ll be OK as they get older.

YANBU
It's quite easy to love someone - possibly unconditionally - but to prefer the company of someone else
I love my mum and dad, and would (and have) dropped anything to be with them when they needed it
But there are easily dozens of people I'd rather spend time with, talk to, discuss things with
This is perfectly normal and reasonable
As long as you continue to show your own children the love and care you have done so far, this will not be an issue with them

I definitely think part of this is the step daughter not being from the UK. Of course she will have different thoughts and totally different upbringing, which might make her more interesting and less likely to follow trends etc. Late teenage girls from the UK are often quite similar, following trends and with a huge focus on social media - but I imagine your daughters will grow out of this? When you were 19/21 you were probably also following what your friends did, what you read in magazines etc!
I don't think it's necessarily bad you are getting on better with the step daughter, but I would be careful not to make it obvious to your actual daughters.

I think, however, the worry is that these somewhat “ juvenile” attitudes are persisting through to people well beyond their teens.

See I really disagree here, there are definitely some topics my children do just regurgitate opinions on and having directed them towards seeking other sources of information have been told flat out now. Such as I often fear my children lack the nuance and depth necessary to understand the war in Gaza. They often times sound almost anti-Semitic in the way they speak and defend this attitude with simple one liners. They have no idea of the history, and refuse to take the time to learn it.

You said they were intelligent, but now you claim they aren’t smart enough to understand geopolitics? “Sound almost anti-Semitic” is probably coded for “they don’t agree with Israel” I completely understand the history, the nuance and the depth of the situation and frankly I can’t understand how anyone who does wouldn’t be entirely on the side of the Palestinian people. Perhaps they give you one liners and are refusing your “education” because they know there is no point in debating it with you as you assume anyone who disagrees isn’t as smart as you.

Now I don’t really mind if at their ages they don’t want to go on a deep dive of history to understand, however it does bother me that they take their one dimensional understanding and use it as an excuse to be horrid at times.

Now you’re saying young people don’t want to learn history? Are they “horrid” or are they saying something you should listen to but don’t want to?

I don’t deny social media has a place in learning now, it does however there is no amount of 60 second TikTok’s that will give someone a rounded view on a situation like the war in Gaza.

If you think social media is simply “60 second TikToks” it’s you who needs more education.

My stepdaughter on the other hand, sits far more neutral on the subject, admits that she doesn’t have a full grasp of the situation but is happy to learn, talk to people, read books and articles, learn about the history etc.

“My stepdaughter is totally politically unaware so will listen to my view politely and pretend she cares”

Its not that I disagree with my children’s political views as I don’t really, we all as a family sit on the left, however it bothers me when they can’t back their opinions up, I think that’s a really important skill.

“I raised my children not to challenge my views and now I’m annoyed when they do, and don’t accept any of their evidence so I think their opinion is invalid”

I think their heart is in the right place and they are wonderfully kind girls (more so than my step daughter, who is more cautious with her kindness) but they haven’t yet developed the maturity to understand that the vast majority of things in life don’t have a clear right and wrong.

When you are young, things are more black and white. As they should be. This is the generation who will affect change and you don’t do that by sitting chatting about nuance for hours on end.

I also know they get their stubbornness from me, and at 18-22 I was probably equally shocked to be told I was wrong and reluctant to admit that I didn’t know everything!

“I raised them to be like me and now I’m pissed off they are being like me towards me.”

In many ways I think what it comes down to is for various reasons (childhood and culture) step-daughter is mature beyond her years, I think this can make my children look immature in comparison when really they are exactly where they are meant to be at their ages. Maybe I ought to feel more sadness that step-daughter has been forced to grow up quickly and mature faster than anyone really should.

It’s nothing to do with culture. You raised your kids. They are what you made them. If you don’t like them, that’s on you, not them.

Stepdaughter's mother obviously did a great job on raising a mature, independent woman with her own opinions. Maybe you should look at what you did differently. Nature and nurture have a big influence on who we are.