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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over reaction from DH

113 replies

Notthetidiest88 · 21/05/2025 19:39

I am the first to admin I'm not always the tidiest person. Our house is clean but I don't have any issues with the odd cup or water bottle being left on the side, especially if know i am going to use in the bear future (ie the kids schools bottles if they are being used the next day)

This morning i was tidying in the kitchen after unloading the dishwasher and making DH's lunch and i moved the air fryer liners to on top of the air fryer. Dh likes them in the cupboard but I knew I was using them later (had planned my lunch to use the air fryer) so popped them on top of the air fryer. DH started screaming ans shouting about how I never tidy up. Leave everything everywhere etc. Called me a few words I won't repeat and stormed out.

Should point out that this is the person who fixed a new picture up the other day but has the left thenpile of dust from dilling the screws on the floor for a week until I clear it. Who leaves washing by the side of the bed until I move it and pick it up

This isn't an unusual reaction from him and I do try and remember to put things away but with 2 you for children and working full time i just forget.

OP posts:
Springadorable · 21/05/2025 19:54

He totally overreacted, 100%. But also do you think you might put things in random places more often than you like to admit? Because it's weird to unload something out of the dishwasher, have an active thought of "this will be used later" and then put it away in the wrong place when you know it winds him up rather than just put it away when you're already holding it?

Figcherry · 21/05/2025 19:59

Dh occasionally has a go if I don’t put things away immediately.
My reply, as always, is I’m the person that generally tidies up and he is not my boss.
Tbf though, dh would never leave brick dust on the floor or dirty washing next to the bed.
Your dh is a hypocrite and I’d be telling him so.

Hankunamatata · 21/05/2025 20:00

This so isn't about the airfyer liners

Iv just lost my cool at dh as once again he walked away from table not taking his plate or clearing away anything off the table. Iv politely asked him every night to clear the table and tonight I lost my crap.

SALaw · 21/05/2025 20:02

Sounds like he might be a twat?

Bourbonversuscustardcream · 21/05/2025 20:05

The day my DH screams, shouts and calls me unrepeatable names is the day our relationship is over. Why are you putting up with regular abusive behaviour?

faerietales · 21/05/2025 20:08

DH is messy and it drives me mad, but I would never dream of shouting and screaming at him over it.

He sounds awful.

Apksbdv · 21/05/2025 20:09

No excuse for screaming and shouting.

ExtraOnions · 21/05/2025 20:13

In 20 years my husband has never shouted, screamed, or called me names. We are different people, and don’t always see eye-to-eye with household things, but we would never disrespect each other in that way.

As adults, we are all capable to choose how we communicate, and he has chosen to communicate in a rude & disrespectful way - don’t stand for it

TooGoodToGoto · 21/05/2025 20:14

This is totally unacceptable, what happens when something serious happens?

JWhipple · 21/05/2025 20:15

Springadorable · 21/05/2025 19:54

He totally overreacted, 100%. But also do you think you might put things in random places more often than you like to admit? Because it's weird to unload something out of the dishwasher, have an active thought of "this will be used later" and then put it away in the wrong place when you know it winds him up rather than just put it away when you're already holding it?

Or he could not scream at her? Maybe if he is that bothered he could take on all the housework from now on?

JustAnInchident · 21/05/2025 20:18

Any man (or woman, to be fair) who thought it was acceptable to scream, shout and call me names often enough that I would deem it ‘not unusual’ wouldn’t be sharing a home with me much longer. It’s not acceptable to treat you that way and it’s not okay for your children to be brought up thinking that’s normal.
I dare say I wind my husband up sometimes, he’s never once screamed and shouted at me.

DoNoTakeNo · 21/05/2025 20:20

My DH reacts like this sometimes, always has done - but it is part of his ASD personality, and over the years I’ve learned how to handle it.
i seriously considered divorce but in all honesty it’s part of the same personality that is kind & loving & funny, so it’s a case of learning to understand him and work with him.
Obviously I don’t like his little paddies, but I’m sure there’s parts of me that he isn’t too keen on!

Theunamedcat · 21/05/2025 20:21

I'm clearly the only person who stores the air fryer liners IN the air fryer so I will just say

He is a twat next time he ditches his clothes by the side of the bed leave them because Mr perfect would never EVER put a thing where its not supposed to be so clearly that is where they belong

Same with the brick dust

livelovelough24 · 21/05/2025 20:24

I think that you have two issues here OP, one being weather or not your husband should be upset about what you did, and the other, him shouting and calling you names. I have to say that I am surprised that you are actually not concerned about the latter. I have divorced my husband of twenty-five years, as I was not happy with him any more, but I can say that in all that time, he never yelled at me or called me names. This is one thing that I would not tolerate for a second and neither should you.

LoveItaly · 21/05/2025 20:25

Awful behaviour, I really couldn’t be married to someone who behaved like that.

GrumpyInsomniac · 21/05/2025 20:25

I think I would calmly and quietly wait until he’s in the bedroom next to his mess of clothes on the floor and say “if I were inclined to tit for tat, I would be screaming at you and calling you names for always leaving your shit on the floor. But then I have a sense of proportion and wouldn’t dream of treating you the way you treated me for the same offence.”

How he responded to that would be what made me decide my next steps. If he had the good grace to look sheepish and apologise, and learn from the experience, then fine. We’ve communicated and we move on. If he started arguing the toss or gaslighting I would start getting things straightened out and preparing my exit from the marriage. You deserve to be treated better, no matter how frustrated he may be with a situation.

Createausername1970 · 21/05/2025 20:26

If he was a clean freak I could understand him getting frustrated (but it wouldn't excuse the way he spoke to you) but as he isn't then it's really not on.

Have a conversation along the lines that you don't appreciate being spoken to that way, and from this point forward he is responsible for his own mess, including doing his own laundry.

Original poster
Notthetidiest88 · 21/05/2025 20:30

So this was this morning

Tried talking to him when he came home from work (he finishes at 1pm, I wfh and finish at 5pm)

His answer was I was snappy when he asked why I wasn't putting the things away and that i always have to be right (I don't - learnt a long time ago just to apologise, take the blame and move on) and that the way I speak to him is disgusting

I went back to work in my office space, he has gone out for the evening to the pub to watch the football. Didn't say bye. Just walked out.

At least it's peaceful tonight

OP posts:
GrumpyInsomniac · 21/05/2025 20:33

Well isn’t he an absolute prize? Classic DARVO right there. I’m guessing this isn’t the only thing he’s a dick about?

YourWildAmberSloth · 21/05/2025 20:37

Notthetidiest88 · 21/05/2025 20:30

So this was this morning

Tried talking to him when he came home from work (he finishes at 1pm, I wfh and finish at 5pm)

His answer was I was snappy when he asked why I wasn't putting the things away and that i always have to be right (I don't - learnt a long time ago just to apologise, take the blame and move on) and that the way I speak to him is disgusting

I went back to work in my office space, he has gone out for the evening to the pub to watch the football. Didn't say bye. Just walked out.

At least it's peaceful tonight

That's no way to live OP.

RickiRaccoon · 21/05/2025 20:38

I'd say he's (unreasonably) upset about something else or a cumulation of things. He doesn't sound like he's Mr Clean himself. And you were visibly tidying and making his lunch so it's not like you were sitting idle amongst a huge mess. There's no reason to have such an extreme reason to you not doing it quite how he likes.

user2848502016 · 21/05/2025 20:50
  1. stop making his lunch
  2. stop picking up his laundry
  3. stop tidying up after him
user2848502016 · 21/05/2025 20:54

“learnt a long time ago just to apologise, take the blame and move on”

Really? That sounds a bit like an abusive relationship to me

Hadalifeonce · 21/05/2025 20:55

Everyone in my house knows, if it's not in the laundry basket, it doesn't get washed.
You should consider this OP.

Rhaidimiddim · 21/05/2025 20:57

Why are you making his lunch?

Let him make his own lunch and tidy the kitchen to his standard when he's done.