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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over reaction from DH

113 replies

Notthetidiest88 · 21/05/2025 19:39

I am the first to admin I'm not always the tidiest person. Our house is clean but I don't have any issues with the odd cup or water bottle being left on the side, especially if know i am going to use in the bear future (ie the kids schools bottles if they are being used the next day)

This morning i was tidying in the kitchen after unloading the dishwasher and making DH's lunch and i moved the air fryer liners to on top of the air fryer. Dh likes them in the cupboard but I knew I was using them later (had planned my lunch to use the air fryer) so popped them on top of the air fryer. DH started screaming ans shouting about how I never tidy up. Leave everything everywhere etc. Called me a few words I won't repeat and stormed out.

Should point out that this is the person who fixed a new picture up the other day but has the left thenpile of dust from dilling the screws on the floor for a week until I clear it. Who leaves washing by the side of the bed until I move it and pick it up

This isn't an unusual reaction from him and I do try and remember to put things away but with 2 you for children and working full time i just forget.

OP posts:
Hopingtobeaparent · 22/05/2025 21:37

Notthetidiest88 · 21/05/2025 20:30

So this was this morning

Tried talking to him when he came home from work (he finishes at 1pm, I wfh and finish at 5pm)

His answer was I was snappy when he asked why I wasn't putting the things away and that i always have to be right (I don't - learnt a long time ago just to apologise, take the blame and move on) and that the way I speak to him is disgusting

I went back to work in my office space, he has gone out for the evening to the pub to watch the football. Didn't say bye. Just walked out.

At least it's peaceful tonight

Or what, OP? What happens if you assert back against his unreasonable behaviour/communication towards you?

I agree with pp’s: this is not about the air fryer, this is not a healthy way to communicate frustrations.

Personally, I would suggest that you review your boundaries with him and decide what you’re willing to accept and tolerate for the sake of the relationship, and what you are not.

Good luck, he sounds ‘challenging’.

user1492809438 · 22/05/2025 21:41

Why are you with him? He is vile

whatcanthematterbe81 · 22/05/2025 21:45

I am so much worse than this (I blame my adhd but it’s probably just because I’m a tad lazy, brainless). My husband would NEVER scream and shout at me. Just quietly moves thing if it bothers him! He’s a dick as your example is so trivial

IdiottoGoa · 22/05/2025 21:48

Springadorable · 21/05/2025 19:54

He totally overreacted, 100%. But also do you think you might put things in random places more often than you like to admit? Because it's weird to unload something out of the dishwasher, have an active thought of "this will be used later" and then put it away in the wrong place when you know it winds him up rather than just put it away when you're already holding it?

That’s not remotely weird, it’s efficient 🤷‍♀️

notatinydancer · 22/05/2025 21:48

He’s abusive. How dare he speak to you like that. Wanker.

Gyozas · 22/05/2025 22:01

What an abusive cunt he is.

CurlewKate · 23/05/2025 00:47

@Notthetidiest88This is the man your children are learning about relationships from. Would you like your son to treat his partner like this, or your daughter to put up with this from hers?

pikkumyy77 · 23/05/2025 00:57

ZoggyStirdust · 22/05/2025 19:35

When it’s a man who doesn’t tidy up someone always posts that “I left my cup by the dishwasher” thing and he’s roundly derided…

That is quite a different story. It is literally a man’s story of how his consistent disrespect for his wife’s efforts to keep a clean house led to the end of his marriage.

Firethehorse · 23/05/2025 02:37

OP you know this is all so wrong and you are being slowly crushed into yet more submission.
You mention your mother, please confide in her today so you have some immediate support.
You’ve had some great advice re assertiveness but I wonder how this bully would react to you effectively saying no.
On balance, I would have an immediate (as much as you can) separation period and see what happens and how YOU feel. Don’t be coerced by him, or the children, into maintaining this abusive, miserable existence. In fact, the more the children see no issues the more I would know things need a huge reset and fast.
It’s hard, it’s scary, but you do need to make big changes and gain your self esteem and self respect.
Life will become happier and more fulfilling, just keep remembering that.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 23/05/2025 03:18

DoNoTakeNo · 21/05/2025 20:20

My DH reacts like this sometimes, always has done - but it is part of his ASD personality, and over the years I’ve learned how to handle it.
i seriously considered divorce but in all honesty it’s part of the same personality that is kind & loving & funny, so it’s a case of learning to understand him and work with him.
Obviously I don’t like his little paddies, but I’m sure there’s parts of me that he isn’t too keen on!

"I don’t like his little paddies"

Are you being deliberately offensive, or are you just ignorant to what this actually means?

TheBig50 · 23/05/2025 03:28

This is why I am single.

I was in a relationship many many years ago and couldn't find my kettle. I had to phone then boyfriend to ask if he knew where the kettle was.
It's on the trampoline at the back of the garden because you used it to kill the ants nest.
Oh yeah!
Huh.

Nobody could live with me.

I don't think people should live together in general.

TheBig50 · 23/05/2025 03:31

ReadingSoManyThreads · 23/05/2025 03:18

"I don’t like his little paddies"

Are you being deliberately offensive, or are you just ignorant to what this actually means?

Show quote history

Us Irish folk eh?

Paddy wagons for the moodies!

2024onwardsandup · 23/05/2025 04:57

Why are you making his lunch? If you work full time?

he’s abusive

FiveShelties · 23/05/2025 05:27

Oh OP, this is no way to live. Life is just to short to tolerate this behaviour.

Original poster
Notthetidiest88 · 23/05/2025 07:10

So today's telling off (all before 630am)

We have just had a new shower put in, dh spent an hour or so after work putting the spare room back together and I joined when I finished work. But today's I've been moaned at for:

Not replacing the toilet roll - i used the last of it, didn't know DH had put the spares in the new u der sink cupboard (because we have never done that before so I got one from downstairs to take up this morning, apparently I should have guessed he had moved them)

I put my hand on the wet mirror to clean it - i didn't, I think our daughter did when I was in the shower but I can't tell him that it he'll have a go at her

I left my small bottle of shampoo in the shower - juat completly forgot however he could have just moved it to the side and asked me not to do it again

I put my towels in the airing cupboard instead of the new towel rack in the spare room

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 23/05/2025 07:20

@Notthetidiest88 think he really needs to get a life and stop nitpicking!!

Lurker85 · 23/05/2025 07:58

It’s your home as well. He wants them put away, you want them left out for lunch. Why is where he wants them automatically the “right” place? What makes his wants trump yours in a shared home?

user2848502016 · 23/05/2025 08:03

He’s a controlling a*hole and you need to make a plan to leave

Duvetsse · 23/05/2025 08:03

You are being abused.
Tell your mum the truth.
It sounds so stressful.
Please contact Women's aid for a chat.

This is not a good man, husband or father.
He is a house terrorist.

OhCobblers · 23/05/2025 08:17

@Notthetidiest88 are you seriously going to live the rest of your life with this wanker?? What about when you can’t stop him having a go at the children over the stupidest of things?? Are they going to live this shitty life too?? For their whole childhood?

Tiswa · 23/05/2025 08:18

Why are you living in such an abusive relationship he has told you he thinks he can’t speak to you as he wants

Enrichetta · 23/05/2025 08:25

If you don’t care about what his abusive behaviour is doing to you……. can you at least consider what he is doing to your children?

FamBae · 23/05/2025 08:31

Your last post yesterday made me so sad, this is is not normal behaviour but that of an abusive control freak. You say you have teens, has he always been like this. The verbal abuse is what makes me worry, my ex was very verbally abusive, the neighbours would give me pitying looks when they could hear him calling me allsorts in the summer when the windows were open. Never touched me physically but boy it still hurt, and I couldn't financially afford to leave until my kids were teens, which I did, and yes it has affected their personalities as adults. He was diagnosed as Bi Polar about 5 years before I left him, he then used his illness as an excuse for being a verbally abusive arseh*le and refused to take his medication, he would actually laugh and say it's ok because I'm mental. Wtaf. Today I look back with tears in my eyes that I put up with it for such a long time, finances paid such a large part, we never went without but there was never anything left at the end of the month, so no savings. The really sad thing is that we had so much in common and we could chat way into the night making each other laugh, and you forgive because of these times, and for the sake of the kids and family harmony, but eventually the bad outweighs the good, when memories of every family day out is marred by traveling home in the car with him ranting at you about something so minor you really can't remember what started him off.
He died about 2 years after I left him, we had remained cordial for the sake of the kids, but when he died he wasn't talking to me because I had displeased him yet again.🤷‍♀️
Sorry for the rant, he's been dead for over ten years but sometimes posts on here do take me back.
I wish you all the best, and hope one day you can relax in your own home without fear of being told off.

Laurmolonlabe · 23/05/2025 09:50

If he likes everything put away all the time he should do it himself, I would not put up with this, where does he think he is-work, you are his partner not his subordinate.

BookArt55 · 23/05/2025 10:45

Notthetidiest88 · 22/05/2025 17:13

Finally got him to talk to me today

Asked if he thought it was appropriate to speak to me that way. He said yes. As it was a large list of things that tipped him over the edge (but can't give me the examples) and that until I learn he will speak to me how he wants

I apologised (not sure why) he doesn't want to know and we're back not talking

I've read your latest comment. But this one broke my heart and gave me flashbacks.
I think after this thread you are going to be even more aware of how much you and the kids tiptoe around him. You'll then start noticing all of the things you do 'his' way, silly things like the dishes or a certain meal. You'll then notice you don't actually want to do that, you used to do it a different way but because he didn't like it and he told you his way was better you've now changed so many small things about yourself to please him... but it still isn't good enough. And it will never be good enough.
Then, I hope, you'll leave. You, and your kids, deserve better. Hard initially but you'll look back obe day and be so glad you got out and taught your kids such a big lesson.

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