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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over reaction from DH

113 replies

Notthetidiest88 · 21/05/2025 19:39

I am the first to admin I'm not always the tidiest person. Our house is clean but I don't have any issues with the odd cup or water bottle being left on the side, especially if know i am going to use in the bear future (ie the kids schools bottles if they are being used the next day)

This morning i was tidying in the kitchen after unloading the dishwasher and making DH's lunch and i moved the air fryer liners to on top of the air fryer. Dh likes them in the cupboard but I knew I was using them later (had planned my lunch to use the air fryer) so popped them on top of the air fryer. DH started screaming ans shouting about how I never tidy up. Leave everything everywhere etc. Called me a few words I won't repeat and stormed out.

Should point out that this is the person who fixed a new picture up the other day but has the left thenpile of dust from dilling the screws on the floor for a week until I clear it. Who leaves washing by the side of the bed until I move it and pick it up

This isn't an unusual reaction from him and I do try and remember to put things away but with 2 you for children and working full time i just forget.

OP posts:
Lesina · 21/05/2025 21:04

Bourbonversuscustardcream · 21/05/2025 20:05

The day my DH screams, shouts and calls me unrepeatable names is the day our relationship is over. Why are you putting up with regular abusive behaviour?

yep. Nailed it

theclampits · 21/05/2025 21:04

SALaw · 21/05/2025 20:02

Sounds like he might be a twat?

🤣

Thepossibility · 21/05/2025 21:15

I have been with DH for 21 years and this situation would have gone one of three ways.

  1. The liners are ignored because who gives a shit.
  2. Whoever is bothered by them puts them away without a fuss.
  3. Ask calmly if these are there for a reason (this is a most aggressive either of us would ever get over something so innocuous).
NEVER should there be aggression over such a thing. Who does he think he with that behaviour?! Is it common in your relationship? The liners are a red herring here.
TatteredAndTorn · 21/05/2025 22:17

Springadorable · 21/05/2025 19:54

He totally overreacted, 100%. But also do you think you might put things in random places more often than you like to admit? Because it's weird to unload something out of the dishwasher, have an active thought of "this will be used later" and then put it away in the wrong place when you know it winds him up rather than just put it away when you're already holding it?

Why is that weird? I think it’s weird to put something away that you are going to use imminently. Do you do everything on autopilot? My DH is like that and I find it causes more problems as he doesn’t consider this stuff and finds it very hard to dial in changes (like we’ve decided store something in a different place).

whatsappdoc · 22/05/2025 00:55

He'd be wearing his lunch if he'd spoken to me like that.
Each time he overreacts he needs to know it's not acceptable, don't let it pass.
Don't apologise to keep the peace, he's not God.

Original poster
Notthetidiest88 · 22/05/2025 06:18

Thank you for everyone's replies. They have helped

On answer to some comments:
I fully believe this is not just about where I was putting something yesterday. He has tendency to be annoyed with things for a while and them blow up so yesterday was probably this. However it's always my fault and I drive him to shouting etc

Our oldest dc was off sick yesterday (stomach bug doing the school rounds) and Tuesday evening when she was sent home sick I looked after her, and youngest DC, cooked dinner and sorted everything out while he sat on hisbtablet playing games, then moaned when I forgot to get him a drink when I was in the kitchen

We are having some housework done so have builders in. He organised it all (found the builder) however I have had to sort payment out and in the 3 weeks they have been here I have had to take time away from the office (wfh 3 days, office 2) so am using up a lot of goodwill that my boss luckily extends me. However he has just assumed that I can wfh and on the 2 days I couldn't and had to be in he acted like it was the end of the world even though my mum had said she would come and sit round.

Its just all very draining right now

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 22/05/2025 06:31

Erm... is everything on his terms? What does he do for you (do something because you like it done a particular way for example)? What does he do to contribute to the family (you both work, so what else)? How is he a good partner and father?
I know I'm only seeing a snapshot of whst your relationship is but it doesn't sound healthy, it sounds like you walk on egg shells and put his needs high on the list, higher than your own.
Would you be happy with your child being in a relationship like this?
Take a minute to consider and reevaluate you relationship. The bit that screamed to me was your last sentence... that is how i would feel about my ex, but I also know the anxiety I would have of when he returned home and it sounds like you have that too. It doesn't sound good.

Wallywobbles · 22/05/2025 06:43

Honestly he does sound like a twat.

RollerSkateLikePeggy · 22/05/2025 06:47

I'm someone else who finds it far more efficient to leave out something that you are using later, and quietly find it ridiculous that people find it more important to prioritise somewhere looking pretty over being time-efficient. Yes, I'm what most people would therefore find untidy, but I don't really care. In your circumstance I would tell him that you have decided that sometimes the liners live on the air fryer and sometimes they live in the drawer and as the person cooking that day it's your choice rather than his, as he does not get priority in making the decision. But, he doesn't sound very pleasant.

gannett · 22/05/2025 07:08

If I need to do something later (eg replacing the dishwasher salt) I'll leave the salt packet out, as if I don't my brain defaults to "out of sight, out of mind". Expand this across everything I need to do later and yes this results in what most people would call "untidiness" but which I call "my system".

DP is a neat freak and doesn't like this, but my compromise is keeping my system to my specific spaces (office) and for my specific chores (dishwasher). And he doesn't lose his shit, he just sighs deeply because he knew what he was getting with me. (I sigh deeply whenever he fusses around straightening everything to be at 90 degree angles.)

I strongly believe when you make a long-term commitment to someone you have to make a long-term commitment to accepting their flaws with good grace; if they have habits that actually enrage you, don't marry them in the first place.

Renamed · 22/05/2025 07:09

So this is one of those threads where the clarification is basically “Just to confirm, my husband moans and treats me like shit whenever anything gets him down”. And thinks he’s hard done by. Why put up with this?

CleverButScatty · 22/05/2025 07:42

Bourbonversuscustardcream · 21/05/2025 20:05

The day my DH screams, shouts and calls me unrepeatable names is the day our relationship is over. Why are you putting up with regular abusive behaviour?

This.
Never mind the ' are you sure you aren't untidier than you think?' comments?

SingtotheCat · 22/05/2025 08:01

He’s you’re husband not your boss.
Tell him “no”, stop doing things for him and make plans to leave the bastard.

Naunet · 22/05/2025 08:18

You both work full time, so why the hell are you making his lunch and fetching his drinks when he can't even be bothered to pick his dirty pants up off the floor? You're telling him loud and clear that you're not worthy of respect.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/05/2025 11:16

I'd tell him to F off

pikkumyy77 · 22/05/2025 11:17

Springadorable · 21/05/2025 19:54

He totally overreacted, 100%. But also do you think you might put things in random places more often than you like to admit? Because it's weird to unload something out of the dishwasher, have an active thought of "this will be used later" and then put it away in the wrong place when you know it winds him up rather than just put it away when you're already holding it?

No. Its not wrong.

Original poster
Notthetidiest88 · 22/05/2025 17:13

Finally got him to talk to me today

Asked if he thought it was appropriate to speak to me that way. He said yes. As it was a large list of things that tipped him over the edge (but can't give me the examples) and that until I learn he will speak to me how he wants

I apologised (not sure why) he doesn't want to know and we're back not talking

OP posts:
Nicebottleofred · 22/05/2025 17:34

“until I learn he will speak to me how he wants”

WTF??!!

Nicebottleofred · 22/05/2025 17:35

Wallywobbles · 22/05/2025 06:43

Honestly he does sound like a twat.

Definitely a twat!

Therealjudgejudy · 22/05/2025 17:41

He is an abusive prick op.

Terrible example to be setting your kids

nutbrownhare15 · 22/05/2025 18:01

He's abusive. Have a look at the cycle of abuse and Lundy Bancroft's book. Why does he do that? Free pdfs available online. You'll recognise him. You can speak to domestic abuse charities for support. I wish you a him-free future.

pikkumyy77 · 22/05/2025 18:12

Notthetidiest88 · 22/05/2025 17:13

Finally got him to talk to me today

Asked if he thought it was appropriate to speak to me that way. He said yes. As it was a large list of things that tipped him over the edge (but can't give me the examples) and that until I learn he will speak to me how he wants

I apologised (not sure why) he doesn't want to know and we're back not talking

That is AWFUL. I would not stay with someone who was proud of grudge holding and thought he was entitled to berate and insult me in the basis of this fantasy of bad behavior.

Revolting behavior on his part. What is the point of being with someone who treats you like shit and tells you that you deserve it?

Elsvieta · 22/05/2025 18:20

So he basically tells you that every time he treats you like crap, you somehow "made him" do it? Classic abusive behaviour.

Next time he moans at you when you've just made his meal, scrape it straight into the bin.

AutumnFroglets · 22/05/2025 18:31

Look up emotional abuse and coercive control @Notthetidiest88 . I can tell you right now that you are in an abusive relationship but you need to read up on various websites yourself to fully understand why I've said that. Then you need to start planning to leave as it will only get worse until you don't know who you are. He will crush the life and soul out of you.

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

Emotional abuse | Relate

Most people know what physical abuse is, but when it comes to emotional abuse, people tend to think there’s much more of a ‘grey area’.

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

butteredhorseradish · 22/05/2025 18:42

Springadorable · 21/05/2025 19:54

He totally overreacted, 100%. But also do you think you might put things in random places more often than you like to admit? Because it's weird to unload something out of the dishwasher, have an active thought of "this will be used later" and then put it away in the wrong place when you know it winds him up rather than just put it away when you're already holding it?

They weren't put away in the wrong place. She didn't put the air fryer liners away at all because she was intending to use the air fryer so she just put them on top of the air fryer until she was ready to use them. Why put them away in a cupboard only to have to get them out again a short while later?