To ask mums ahead of play dates if their children have a cold or a bug etc?

[lzn]

I was born and raised abroad and moved here to be with my now-husband, so I think my mindset can be a little different from some of the more local mums. I’d really love to hear your thoughts on this—and honestly, if you think I’m off base or setting my daughter up to be a friendless hermit, I’m open to hearing that too!

My daughter is 3, I’m currently pregnant with baby #2, and I’m a stay-at-home mum. She’s not in nursery (we tried—it was a disaster, not the point of the post so let’s take this as a given rather than discuss), so I make a big effort to give her regular social time at the park and through playdates.

The tricky bit is this: a few times now I’ve arranged playdates and the other parent has shown up saying their child had a temperature very recently or the child looks clearly unwell—coughing, runny nose, that sort of thing, or the mum herself is coughing non stop. I totally get that kids catch colds and it’s just part of being a child, but when a whole household goes down—especially with a toddler—it’s tough. Surely it’s basic politeness to avoid spreading a cold that you have. And when you’re pregnant, it’s even harder.

I always give a heads-up if we’re under the weather and let the other parent decide if they’re still comfortable meeting. So my question is—would it be weird or off-putting to include a little check-in before playdates, like: “Still good for 2pm tomorrow? Everyone feeling okay—no colds or coughs? We’re all healthy and looking forward to it!”

Is that too much? Too fussy? Or is there a better, less awkward way to phrase it?

I think you're right but it's also think it would be a bit off-putting tbh. When my kids were that age it was a given amongst my friends that we'd give each other a heads up about any bugs, because it's really shit when everyone ends up poorly for the sake of a couple of hours of playing. But I know plenty of other people don't think it's an issue. If you know people who clearly aren't bothered about spending germs then they're just going to think you're neurotic.

There's probably a less awkard way to phrase it, yes, and you're potentially setting yourselves up for hermitville!

If you're planning on sending them to school at some point you won't have the choice, so it's delaying the inevitable really. The SAHM aspect is giving you the illusion of control, it's coming at some point, but I do agree that being sick with little kids is no fun whatsoever.

@GoldDustercould you maybe advise me on a better way to phrase it?

That would put me off. The thing is, children can be fine one minute, throw a temperature within another minute, and be fine by teatime.

And this time of year, how will you tell the difference between a cold and hay ever?

I think you have to go with the flow. Viruses are just part of life with a toddler. Encourage them all to wash their hands before eating, and keep tissues to hand.

I don’t think this would go down well. Apart from the fact that children need some exposure to germs & viruses to strengthen their immune systems, your suggested text message sounds patronising and implies some superiority. I wouldn’t be happy if someone text me that, because I’m an adult and can make a sensible, informed decision as to whether my child is well enough to go outside and play, and if they will infect other kids! You may need to look a bit deeper at your health anxieties because how will you cope when your child goes to school?

The other telling words in your original post are that you say it’s “basic politeness”. That tells me you’re placing a value judgement on other mums for not telling you in advance. Maybe you also need to consider your pre-conceptions about other people?

I'd give a heads-up if my child had a cold (and would cancel over anything more serious like a tummy bug) but would find it a bit weird if the other person specifically asked me to confirm no colds.

I would feel they were judging me if my otherwise healthy child then - shock, horror! - sneezed/coughed during the meet-up and it would put me off arranging to see them again tbh.

Not unreasonable at all to be annoyed if the other child is coughing their guts up and you haven't been given the opportunity to cancel, but your proposed message is a bit precious, sorry. Just a "just checking we're still on for the park tomorrow morning?" is fine.

As you are pregnant I would say you have some health vulnerabilities in the family at the moment (I mean pregnancy is a health vulnerability) so you hope it's ok to ask about the coughs and colds. And carry on saying that with the newborn too.

My child has awful hay fever and spends a lot of time sneezing/blocked nose/coughing.

Honestly if you sent that I would think more hassle than it’s worth and probably cancel, as it would be like you are judging my ability to see if I think my child is healthy or not. Kids get ill, it is what it is. I’ve got a 4 week old and went through cold season pregnant, again it is what it is

I think ok to ask, I have to for my weak immune system

Massively over the top IMO.

I don't know how you enquire about a social engagement's state of health prior to the event, whether it involves children or not. How might you ask a colleague about their state of health 24 hours before a business meeting without it sounding odd?

"Looking forward to the board meeting tomorrow, everyone feeling healthy? All tip top, no headaches, no throaty niggles? Cant' wait to crunch those numbers team!"

I just think that socially it's a bit of a no no, regardless of the age of the people involved. The only thing I can think of is to be honest and say, Jane I'm finding this pregnancy really difficult and I don't think I could handle a bug in the house at the mo, let me know if you feel you or Jimmy might be coming down with something

but socially it's a bit of a distancer, which is anti making friends unfortunately.

Just don’t say it.
Let the parent decode if their kid is well enough.
School will be an eye opener for you!

At age 2/3 most kids are permanently snotty ime. Other than feeling unwell in themselves or d&v in the last 24 hours most times my dc and their friends just got on with it.

I'm with you in that I think it's polite to give a heads up if they are really under the weather, but a certain background level of lingering cough or snottiness I wouldn't necessarily or we'd never see anyone in winter.

I think your message sounds too fussy. As a one off I think you could ask if there is a particular reason, eg you have a special event next week and don't want kids to be ill for that, or one of you is getting over a nasty illness and you want to avoid a double whammy. But I can't think of a way to ask politely every time.

You could perhaps face to face suggest you both give heads up for bugs in future. Say it once and hope they do.

@Alocasia1982I’ll be honest, I do judge the other mums for not warning in advance if their child is unwell. Maybe it’s a different mentality, maybe different attitude to health, different upbringing myself, I don’t know, but to me it’s impolite to meet up with people when you’re ill because you risk infecting others.
And yes, I do think a mum who brings an infectious child to a playground isn’t capable of making sensible decisions as an adult.

I don’t think it’s health anxiety as such, we’re all just recovering from a virus that has put us pretty much out of action and has cancelled a meet up with the grandparents. It feels like this would have been easily avoided if the mum mentioned her child’s temperature before the meet up rather than during…

I would find your message very weird to be honest. I also come from a culture where a sneeze or a cough or god forbid a runny nose sends parents to the paediatrician (not the GP!) for antibiotics, but I find this so over top. Kids are building up their immunity and all of these things are inevitable. I would try and let go of these health anxieties for the sake of not appearing so uptight and anxious about coughs and colds. It’s unpleasant, but this period is a fact of life and it will pass.

Unless something had a genuine medical reason like undergoing chemo I would think they were weird. The fact you felt the need to check would make me think you think I'm irresponsible or that you have major health anxiety and are going to be hard work.

You're also storing up an awful lot of sickness and absences for once your child starts school if you shield them from everything now.

I think it will depend if the kids you mingle with go to nursery. For the first year or so of nursery most kids are ill all the time and it can be pretty unpredictable. I would generally not socialise if kids had temp or tummy bug, but for a little cold it would not even register. Otherwise you would basically live in confinement for years.

I agree, the week before my daughter’s 1st birthday a friend came round with her daughter - my daughter was born small and spent time in NICU. This child was a big strong baby and had a horrible cold. My baby caught that cold and spent their first birthday in A&E incredibly poorly with RSV, which then set her up for years of issues with viral wheezing and inhalers etc I’ve never forgiven them although they’re not to know, but they at the same time knew their child had been very very poorly and was recovering when they came round.

I agree, the week before my daughter’s 1st birthday a friend came round with her daughter - my daughter was born small and spent time in NICU. This child was a big strong baby and had a horrible cold. My baby caught that cold and spent their first birthday in A&E incredibly poorly with RSV, which then set her up for years of issues with viral wheezing and inhalers etc I’ve never forgiven them although they’re not to know, but they at the same time knew their child had been very very poorly and was recovering when they came round.

We, my friends and I, always advise of illnesses before meeting up. Sometimes we cancel and other times we change the venue. We might swap an inside playmate for ab outside one.

I'd just text.. please let me know if anyone's got the lurgy at the moment. I really can't afford to be ill at the moment.

I think it’s a bit OTT, sorry OP.
Coughs and colds just come with the territory of toddlers annoyingly. I think if you start saying that to people you will never end up seeing anyone and it’s good for your child to build up immunity even though it’s tricky to deal with at the time.
Most decent human beings would always say before a play date if their child had an illness anyway. My friend was very germ phobic with her child and it got very annoying at times and she really put me off spending time with her.

@GetMeOutOfHere20 urgh that sounds absolutely horrible and I just don’t see the reason parents wouldn’t warn in advance? What do they get out of it? Occupying their child for a couple of hours?

Would you class the child as not well enough to attend nursery/school? Because you have no way of avoiding this if your child is going to mix in society. The bugs my child has brought home from nursery have been awful and we have all been sick. It sucks but is part of having a toddler.

You will never leave the house.