To ask mums ahead of play dates if their children have a cold or a bug etc?

[lzn]

I was born and raised abroad and moved here to be with my now-husband, so I think my mindset can be a little different from some of the more local mums. I’d really love to hear your thoughts on this—and honestly, if you think I’m off base or setting my daughter up to be a friendless hermit, I’m open to hearing that too!

My daughter is 3, I’m currently pregnant with baby #2, and I’m a stay-at-home mum. She’s not in nursery (we tried—it was a disaster, not the point of the post so let’s take this as a given rather than discuss), so I make a big effort to give her regular social time at the park and through playdates.

The tricky bit is this: a few times now I’ve arranged playdates and the other parent has shown up saying their child had a temperature very recently or the child looks clearly unwell—coughing, runny nose, that sort of thing, or the mum herself is coughing non stop. I totally get that kids catch colds and it’s just part of being a child, but when a whole household goes down—especially with a toddler—it’s tough. Surely it’s basic politeness to avoid spreading a cold that you have. And when you’re pregnant, it’s even harder.

I always give a heads-up if we’re under the weather and let the other parent decide if they’re still comfortable meeting. So my question is—would it be weird or off-putting to include a little check-in before playdates, like: “Still good for 2pm tomorrow? Everyone feeling okay—no colds or coughs? We’re all healthy and looking forward to it!”

Is that too much? Too fussy? Or is there a better, less awkward way to phrase it?

Haha- I can tell you grew up in France ! Let's bring out the antibiotics for the viruses🙄

@lzn I would definitely say that my child was having a cold and let you judge whether to meet up. If fever/stomach bug I would cancel. I once had two brothers over to play with DS2 (also sahm so I offered the mum to leave them with me while she ran errands). They both look tired and had a cold. After two hours I could see they were not feeling well and they were hot. They said they needed Tylenol. I called the mum who said she forgot to give me their Tylenol and could I give them some because they were ill. Needless to say- last playdate with them.

My friend and I always warn each other before we meet up if our toddlers have coughs and colds. I'm not offended if she wants to rearrange due to going on hols / visiting a newborn or elderly relative soon.

Nope, not France. But interesting to hear there are other places like this 😅

This. Reception year is going to be a nightmare for you. Children need to build their immunity

I'd think you were bonkers, unless you were immuno compromised in some way. I'd worry you were very precious in other ways too, and I wouldn't be seeking out your company. I wouldn't say that to you of course.

Life is all about mixing. Children are often contagious way before they show any symptoms. I would be spending energy on helping my child with whatever meant nursery was a disaster rather than worrying about this.

Same here - harsh but true!

You've swerved the questions about what you plan to do when school starts.

Being ill is part and parcel of raising a child - its rubbish sometimes and involves lots of cancelled plans and days spent in sweat pants, but you get through it and you move on. We all get ill as a household probably...once every 6 weeks if not more. Our DD is 6. The bugs have been relentless.

We have had a cancelled holiday, a cancelled school trip...we were in A and E on Christmas Eve one year..we caught noro off our friends once. Just so many things have had to be rearranged or cancelled due to illness over the years, but we ride it out and we are flexible, and we learn that changing plans is not the end of the world. We've had some fun family memories to be honest from having picnic teas on the floor because no one has the energy to cook, or watching a film all together under a blanket, or laughing now about the time Santa visited in hospital. Learning how to cope when times get rough is a more important thing in my eyes than neurotically avoiding all risk in life.

Socialise, have fun, spend time with people you love. You'll survive

You wouldn’t take them to the park while coughing? My DDs have both had coughs that really lingered well after the cold has gone.

You do sound quite anxious if you’re worrying that riding a scooter after the “peak illness” has passed might damage your child’s health.

I stick to the 48 hr rule for D&V, don’t do play dates or school/nursery if they have a fever or seem unwell in themselves. But a cold with no fever and they’re fine (not lethargic etc) I’d see as a non-issue.

Don't do this. Your child needs exposure to bugs, especially if not going to nursery.

YANBU OP. Like you, I used to postpone these types of meet ups (both so my poorly children could rest and recuperate at home and also to avoid making others unnecessarily ill), or definitely let the other person know. Usually I found people were keener to go ahead if it was an outdoor park meet up.

Most of my friends did the same, and I really appreciated the heads up in advance. I could then decide to go (which I would if it was a sniffle/mine also had a sniffle at the same time) or postpone (if it was before a different, very important commitment I didn’t want to have ruined due to unnecessary illness).

You are not being unreasonable at all (especially as you are pregnant) but you won’t get a lot of sympathy on here I’m afraid.

Despite the pandemic people generally in the UK won’t put their lives on hold to stop the spread of bugs. In fact I’d say it’s got worse since the pandemic. People don’t want to be inconvenienced but they’ll happily inconvenience you with a potential bug/virus.

Of course, there are situations where you don’t know if you’re harbouring something and it can’t be helped. Some bugs will always spread unnoticed but KNOWINGLY meeting up with people is a different story.

Not necessarily. There’s a great deal of misinformation about this. Older children naturally have stronger, better developed immune systems than under-3s. Mine were rarely ill once at school, and thankfully missed years of suffering prior to this with constant illnesses which their little bodies just weren’t mature enough to deal with. They were never hospitalised with RSV/pneumonia, never caught hand, foot and mouth or conjunctivitis.

As a society we underestimate the need for rest. A very young child will become frequently ill if their immune system is never given the time to properly recover from the previous illness, as it is weaker and more immature anyway. Young children who are ill need R & R at home, not being constantly surrounded by a whole load of other ill children who are incapable of washing their hands or blowing their noses properly.

At that age I think ul find play dates will be few and far between if u cancel every time theres a cold. My 3 year old has a cold every other week !

I relate to all you’re saying OP. I was the same when mine was around 2-3 and boggled my mind why other parents didn’t even think to mention their kid is sick (was also right after Covid as well so not unusual to expect that). Now 3 yrs later it’s the normal - for the past 3 winters I know and have accepted oct- march/April at least one of us will be sick at any given time. I tried keeping home etc but even a trip to the store could result in a virus and we can’t live in a vacuum.

If I got a text along the lines of "if your child has a cold please don't come" then I would cancel as I'd feel I'd be on eggshells. If my kid sneezed, coughed or just happened to produce a ton of snot I'd feel judged, and even without all that I'd feel like as if I was being judged on my ability to decide for myself if my child is ill.

its a part of growing up. Although in the same breath, saying that; if a kid did turn up clearly with a huge temperature and being really ill I'd be quite surprised and a bit miffed, but I wouldn't dream of messaging in advance unless someone in my household had a compromised immune system.

i know you didn't want this mentioned, but you say nursery didn't work out - i wonder if the two are linked -
I don't mean illness, but perhaps expectations (you mentioned living abroad and perhaps there being some
cultire differences)

It would put me off, if my child was really badly ill I cancel but a cough/runny nose nope plans stand. Kids need to build an immune system.

If you don’t use nursery, you’re likely to be making friends with parents who do and have lots of friend options for their children. They’ll think it’s OTT or odd and stop wanting to do the play dates and stick with their other friends.

You will be hit really hard when school starts, you may as well start building the immune system now because it really won’t be any better when they’re at school just because they’re a bit older, and you’ll be getting more letters about absence than others if you try to avoid everything going.

Sorry I’m with you OP and find it a bit thoughtless and selfish if people don’t think to mention a high temperature, or why they would even go ahead with a play date or send DC to school in this scenario.

I don’t think sending a text like that will be well received though, there I agree with PP.

When you are setting up the play date I would rather say in person you would prefer to cancel if anyone has a viral illness on the day, please let me know and I’ll do the same.

We used to have a rule with my group of friends; cold are fine and do not need to be warned/asked about, but temperatures are not and neither are D&V. In those cases, the ill family stayed away.

Agree with this. I would rather a person who’s happy to spread germs to cancel on me and never meet again. Like you say, good way to weed out such people. Having said that, be prepared that in this country it means weeding out most people 🤣

I’m also from a culture where it’s socially unacceptable to spread infectious diseases (including a cold) and find these sort of confrontations awkward as a parent living in the UK.

I also wouldn’t listen to people saying that if you don’t catch viruses now, your daughter will be constantly ill in school. It’s a myth, no doctor would advise you to deliberately meet with someone who has a virus. She will be exposed to enough just by being in supermarkets etc.

We managed to avoid germy kids when mine was a toddler and guess what, she’s not any more sick than other kids now she’s school age. And she avoided having a miserable toddlerhood with a permanent snotty nose.

I so wish there was more parents who understood how the immune system works! It’s tiresome hearing the same old myths repeated over and over again.

From chat GPT: It’s a bit of a myth that toddlers need exposure to other sick children to “build their immune system.” Here’s the nuanced picture:

• Immune system development – Toddlers’ immune systems do strengthen over time as they’re exposed to everyday germs in the environment (home, playgrounds, nursery, outside). They don’t need deliberate exposure to ill children for this.
• Normal illness frequency – It’s very common for young children, especially in daycare/nursery, to catch frequent colds (sometimes 8–12 per year). This is part of immune development, but it’s more a side effect of being around groups than a medical necessity.
• No benefit from intentional exposure – Purposely exposing toddlers to sick children (like with colds, flu, chickenpox, etc.) is not recommended. It can lead to unnecessary suffering and sometimes serious complications. Vaccinations provide safe immune “training” without those risks.
• Healthy exposure – Regular interaction with other children is great for toddlers’ social, emotional, and language development. They’ll naturally encounter everyday microbes through play, shared toys, outdoor time, and family life.

✅ So: toddlers benefit from playing with other kids, but they don’t need direct exposure to illness to build immunity.

Genuinely interested here - for those who are from cultures where it is socially unacceptable to spread colds, do you never leave the house when your child has a bit of a runny nose/ slight cough? What do you do about work and school?

My general rule of thumb was temperatures, D&V, bad viruses and heavy colds were no goes - and I would have cancelled anyway. Minor colds I'd just crack on.

I wouldn't find it odd to get a message like this, but I would think you were a bit precious, although if you were heavily pregnant I'd give you the benefit of the doubt. I'd also feel incredibly judged though.

There is generally a lot less circulating because people stay at home during the most contagious phase (sneezing, green snot) so kids are not ill as often. Nursery/school/work would likely turn you away with a visible bad cold.