To ask mums ahead of play dates if their children have a cold or a bug etc?

[lzn]

I was born and raised abroad and moved here to be with my now-husband, so I think my mindset can be a little different from some of the more local mums. I’d really love to hear your thoughts on this—and honestly, if you think I’m off base or setting my daughter up to be a friendless hermit, I’m open to hearing that too!

My daughter is 3, I’m currently pregnant with baby #2, and I’m a stay-at-home mum. She’s not in nursery (we tried—it was a disaster, not the point of the post so let’s take this as a given rather than discuss), so I make a big effort to give her regular social time at the park and through playdates.

The tricky bit is this: a few times now I’ve arranged playdates and the other parent has shown up saying their child had a temperature very recently or the child looks clearly unwell—coughing, runny nose, that sort of thing, or the mum herself is coughing non stop. I totally get that kids catch colds and it’s just part of being a child, but when a whole household goes down—especially with a toddler—it’s tough. Surely it’s basic politeness to avoid spreading a cold that you have. And when you’re pregnant, it’s even harder.

I always give a heads-up if we’re under the weather and let the other parent decide if they’re still comfortable meeting. So my question is—would it be weird or off-putting to include a little check-in before playdates, like: “Still good for 2pm tomorrow? Everyone feeling okay—no colds or coughs? We’re all healthy and looking forward to it!”

Is that too much? Too fussy? Or is there a better, less awkward way to phrase it?

I would absolutely cringe if I get a message saying ‘we’re all healthy’ - OP you are setting your children up to be excluded from so much. You’ll be that mum who people will not invite to parties because the rest of the kids are ok with a cold etc but they know you’re not so your kids just won’t even be invited…. Don’t be that parent. Unless it’s chicken pox I guess - I would defo like to be Informed of that.

Your limits are totally up to you. Just be aware that sniffles spread like nursery like wildfire, If you want to avoid children with sniffles, you may find playdates hard to come by during autumn/winter.

YANBU at all, but as you can see from the replies to this thread, this isn’t how a lot of Brits roll unfortunately (I say that as a Brit)🙄

I think unfortunately for you most kids that age are at nursery so having a constant cold during the winter months is pretty much a given, so you really stop paying attention to it as otherwise you'd never go out. I assume most of the kids you're inviting for playdates are at nursery and therefore its not such a big deal for their parents.

I think also their colds seem worse than they actually are at that age - they don't know how to blow their nose or clear their throats properly so they are just snotty and cough a lot!

My son had some asthmatic issues when he was younger and he'd get a little cold and genuinely sound like he was at death's door, but he was perfectly fine.

Where I live outside of the UK, people don't ask... But it is 100% expected that if your child is actively ill you will tell the other parent (or cancel depending on how bad it is).

I've never had a parent show up with an ill child and not known about it.

If it is just a cold, most parents don't care, but it's still polite in case they do.

I think I'd say that with the pregnancy yout immune system is shot and you've been picking up bugs a lot easier and been a lit more ill than normal, so if anyones got a cold or anything else please can they reschedule

YANBU, I have ME/CFS caused by a virus and am trying to avoid viruses which can make my condition worse. Friends and family know this, and yet some have still brought obviously sick children to meet me. I don't trust them anymore.
If your friends cancel because of that message, it's doing you a favour, you don't want to be mixing with people like that.

The thing is they are worse for them. Can you imagine not being able to blow your nose properly when you have a cold? Or having to sleep flat on your back (in an unfortunate case a newborn/young baby is to catch it). There is too many babies/toddlers suffering needlessly with it for 9 months of the year. If everyone at least attempted to stay away from others when ill, there would be a lot less of it circulating and the whole “we would never go anywhere if we stayed at home every time we’re ill’ wouldn’t be a thing as you wouldn’t be ill so often. Catching back to back illnesses is really bad for the immune system as it doesn’t allow for any recovery period (which is when the immunity is actually gained).

I suppose a message like this (the day before a planned meet up) is pretty normal: “Hi, hope you’re all well and still up for meeting tomorrow”

oops edited as posted it twice

I think this is a bit dramatic tbh. Some children are perpetually snotty. DD had a cough from the ages of 1-3 non stop, we were given an inhaler and everything. Turns out she had a milk allergy. Was a bloody nightmare during COVID

I'm totally with you OP, I would always give a heads up for any type of illness so that the parent can make their mind up if they want to meet or postpone. It's common courtesy to me 💐

I'd never be able to go anywhere if I couldn't even go to a playground with a kid with a cough

I agree with giving the heads up if choked with the cold but I think that's a bit OTT

I think it’s hard to go against the norms. If people kept their children off school for every cold, attendance officers would be losing their minds and parents would be constantly hassled. Plus they’d probably lose their jobs because they’d be off a lot for childcare. So then if they’re mixing at school, it seems silly to worry about a mild cold on a Saturday.

I appreciate that if everyone was off with a mild cold, there’d be fewer colds overall. But that’s what I mean about it being hard to go against - if you’re the only one keeping them off, they’d be off all the time.

I wouldn’t bring a child with a cold to visit a new born. But between toddlers and older kids, normal coughs and sniffles are part of life.
with a temperature or actual Ill child I would of course keep them at home to relax and recover.
I would find neurosis about coughs and stuff tiresome and wouldn’t put much effort into a friendship. Other than if the child in question is a new born with no immune system. Or about to go on holiday or something like that.
I too have lived in various places abroad and yea they do tend to take the common cold more seriously in a lot of places. Taking a child to the emergency room for a slightly raised temp can be a normal thing to do. But in the UK generally just crack on

The social norm in my circle was to do this for babies - as in under about 18m - because when babies get coughs and colds, it can get quite serious, lots of hospital admissions for RSV.

But once the children were 3+, it's just assumed they always have a runny nose.

There was an awkward transition period where some people continued doing this for longer than others

D&V is different and everyone I know is v cautious about that

I do remember meeting up with friends and having them text afterwards to say "little cherub woke up with a temperature, are yours ok, did they have any illnesses?" with a clear implication that we had carelessly infected their child and it has kinda put me off spending time with them

You might be best off doing more meet ups outside to minimise infections and social awkwardness

I personally think you are right .However with many children attending Nursery or Playgroup it may come over a little precious .I would not have sent my child to play with a heavy cold or sore tummy .However a sniffle would be fine I think. I like PPs note If anyone has the lurgy ,please let me know!

Not unless their child or mine had a diagnosed underlying health condition that made it risky. If you asked me that without such an explanation I'd mentally label you a fussy parent.

I had my child when Covid first started. It was a shock to my system when all the lockdowns were over and people would just show up sick! People just don’t care.
I set hard boundaries at first and had a rep as a hypercondriac - sorry can’t spell it! Anyway, after 6 months of nursery I realised we’d never leave the house if we didn’t go out /meet people who were sick and I gave up.
I still warn people on my end.

In an ideal world, other parents would give you a heads up that their kid wasn’t well OP. Some parents will do this and some will just choose to make you/your child ill instead. It’s not odd to want a break between incessant viruses - it’s odd to keep perpetuating it. I would respect you for asking me this, would hope I could reassure you so that you didn’t have to ask me every time, and would feel relieved as I could trust you to do same back.

I personally think your approach is entirely sane, normal and considerate. I think it’s TERRIBLE form to tip up with a bug and pass it on to someone.

My teenage daughter was once asked to babysit a friend’s little one a week before Christmas. When she tipped up it was apparent that the kid had a filthy cold. Needless to say she caught it and then gave it to the rest of our family. We were all streaming, coughing, taking Lemsips and unable to taste anything over Christmas. Selfish cow.

My friends and I get together once a week for a hobby we do together. If anyone ever has a cold she doesn’t come. No-one wants to catch a virus and feel crap for days.

You do you, OP.