To ask mums ahead of play dates if their children have a cold or a bug etc?

[lzn]

I was born and raised abroad and moved here to be with my now-husband, so I think my mindset can be a little different from some of the more local mums. I’d really love to hear your thoughts on this—and honestly, if you think I’m off base or setting my daughter up to be a friendless hermit, I’m open to hearing that too!

My daughter is 3, I’m currently pregnant with baby #2, and I’m a stay-at-home mum. She’s not in nursery (we tried—it was a disaster, not the point of the post so let’s take this as a given rather than discuss), so I make a big effort to give her regular social time at the park and through playdates.

The tricky bit is this: a few times now I’ve arranged playdates and the other parent has shown up saying their child had a temperature very recently or the child looks clearly unwell—coughing, runny nose, that sort of thing, or the mum herself is coughing non stop. I totally get that kids catch colds and it’s just part of being a child, but when a whole household goes down—especially with a toddler—it’s tough. Surely it’s basic politeness to avoid spreading a cold that you have. And when you’re pregnant, it’s even harder.

I always give a heads-up if we’re under the weather and let the other parent decide if they’re still comfortable meeting. So my question is—would it be weird or off-putting to include a little check-in before playdates, like: “Still good for 2pm tomorrow? Everyone feeling okay—no colds or coughs? We’re all healthy and looking forward to it!”

Is that too much? Too fussy? Or is there a better, less awkward way to phrase it?

Children are often very snotty at that age and also fevers can come and go very quickly. Nursery does often quash this anxiety, as they will truly pick up all sorts. Same with school. Unless there’s an issue with immune suppression, I think it’s no big deal and part of kids socialising. Often children can be infectious prior to coming down with any symptoms.

It's more that they'll he generally cracking on with life. When you have a young child in nursery or school you'd never go out if you stayed home with every sniffle.

Most people don’t treat colds as anything special and schools expect kids to be in with colds. It’s often hard to tell how bad a cold is so you get the endless cycle of colds until kids build enough immunity. You either get it nursery age or in school. There is no way to avoid it unless we go back to covid levels of isolation.

Hi Sally, how are you feeling? I don't want to be awkward, but we have had cold after cold after cold recently. If you or Bob or little Timmy have had a cough or cold or temperature or anything in the last couple of days, would you mind if we postponed? I'm shattered enough with this pregnancy and can't cope with the thought of another week of feeling like crap right now!

@Hoohazthank you! 🙏

We have regular play dates and parents would always give the heads up if their child was sick and ask whether we’d rather cancel! Seems so obvious.

When mine were small I would forewarn the person we were meeting if mine were a bit poorly and ask if they were still happy to meet but fine if not.
If you are really keen to check beforehand I would say something like “we are trying to avoid illness atm as we have a fun weekend planned and don’t want to risk missing it so just wanted to check so and so is in fine fettle?”
Maybe try to spend more time with considerate/like minded people with regards to illness.

OP - this year the colds/viruses have been particularly long-playing for many people. So hopefully you recovered.

My advice (and I am also not from the UK originally) - play the "pregnant/vulnerable card" for now. It's the only way to not appear overly anxious.

But, you will need to get used to different standards in the UK. And - given that you didn't send your DD to nursery - you are in for a very rough ride for when she does start formal education. She will be ill a lot and will be bringing it home to your baby. People here are a lot more relaxed about running noses and coughs - and kids are at school and pass around germs all the time. Fall/winter is the worst. I keep mine at home more often than a UK parent would - resulting in occasional drop in attendance - followed by phone calls from school ...

Separately - I'd really really reconsider no nursery for your DD. She is 3 - keeping her at home is not doing her any favours. It won't get easier at 4 when she would need to go.

A message like this would put me off but if I thought my child had something highly contagious I wouldn't meet people.

I have a friend like this and honestly it has become exhausting and has turned me off meeting up with her. At the moment my baby has a teething cough from drools, he's been to the doct twice and they've confirmed it's only teething, but I'm terrified to meet her because I know she'll be cross, probably won't believe me and will be judging me.

Interested to know what you say when your children are sick and a play date has been arranged, and what the response is?

I think it's very unreasonable to want to spend time with other children but avoid any viruses. You either need to completely isolate yourself and your family, or accept that socialisation means viruses spread. If I got a message like that I'd cancel and never rearrange to be honest as it sounds hard work. I think what most people don't consider is that many viruses are more contagious in the time before we have symptoms and know about it. So if I developed a cold today should I message everyone that I've seen earlier this week to let them know they may develop symptoms too? I mean, let's just go back to COVID times and all stay home shall we 🤣

I would cancel if I got a message like this. Little kids have colds constantly; I’d not take mine anywhere if they were not well enough for school, but they’d go anywhere after that.

I’d also assume you were quite an anxious, stressy/fussy mum, and we wouldn’t gel for this reason, so I’d cancel.

I would probably cancel if I got that kind of message unless there was some genuine immunity issue like cancer treatment going on in the home. Maybe just hold off the play dates for now?

Toddlers at nursery might have a cough and a runny nose throughout the whole autumn and winter, never knowing when one cold ended and the next began. If you don't accept a bit of illness now then you are going to be hit much harder when she starts school! And if playdates and park trips are the only socialisation she gets then I don't think it's right to minimise that as unimportant and not worth getting colds for.

I think it’s v reasonable and especially so when pregnant or with a young baby in the mix. I’d want to be friends with someone like you, not the germy ones, maybe it’s a good way to weed out out those people 🤣

@Heidi2018
I will say something like “hey! Unfortunately little Bella has not been feeling well - she’s got a cough and had a temperature of X a few days ago, but seems to be feeling a little better now. Up to you if you’d still like to meet - we’ll be going to the park anyway, but if you’d rather not risk it, I would completely understand and would feel the same!” if I don’t mind taking my daughter out or “good morning!! Sadly Bella isn’t feeling well so we won’t be available to meet - she’s had a temperature last night and I think it’s better for her to rest. Are you free next week?”

My family don't give the heads up about their kids being poorly so I've started sending a quick text the day before just along the lines of, "hey everyone all okay for tomorrow? Let me know if anyone has a cold or anything, don't want X to get poorly again his asthma is really struggling lately". No one seems to have an issue with it. And I always let people know before I meet up if any DC are poorly

Have you spent much time around toddlers? 😂 they’re all germy!

Also OP I can more or less guarantee that your children will pass on something unpleasant to another child or adult at some stage. Likely when they start school.

I understand, I come from a different country as well and the threshold to keeping children at home is much lower than in the UK. I suspect this is because where I am from parents are entitled to a fully paid sick leave when their child is sick, which is not the case in the UK. No school will interfere if they are told a child is sick and doctors give an official 'sick certification' with no issues.

I am also pregnant and trying to avoid catching anything and I will be super careful in the first weeks after birth, however be aware that sooner or later when your child goes to school they will probably be sick all the time and they will be expected to attend even with cough and runny nose, so it might be good to expose them to germs before, so they build up their immunity and resistance to viruses. (also do read about head lice in the UK schools, it was a bit of shock to me).

I wouldn’t word it like that, it sounds very odd. I would hope that people you know well know that you’re pregnant and wouldn’t bring an overly sick kid out with them anyway.

If you’re meeting outdoors I’d say the risk is negligible.

Getting sick is part of life with dc. When mine first started nursery we had back to back bugs, some of which required hospital. It’s never a good time for this and if you protect dc too much now then you’ll find she goes down real quick with every bug going once she starts school.

I think it's something you might have to navigate through experience. By that I mean don't ask this of everyone before you have a track record together, but instead see if anyone does turn up unwell and then decide whether or not you want to arrange further playdates on that basis. I would find it odd if you asked me this before each playdate, and we had never turned up unwell.

There isn't a good way to phrase this. Coughs and colds are to be expected with small children. It'll be way worse when they start school. Might as well get used to it.

I've got a friend I meet for a coffee now and then. She checked whether I had a cold first one time. It didn't bother me at all as I give people the heads up anyway. Our kids are young adults. She's Russian although that might not be anything to do with it

The problem is that you’re infectious way before you’re symptomatic a lot of the time and by the time you’re symptomatic often you’re not infectious.

Plus my DS and DD sometimes throw up for fun (or so it seems to me 🙄) with no other symptoms or go down with a fever and are back to normal after a dose of Calpol, are snotty most of the time etc etc.

Realistically you can’t stop kids catching stuff and, although I agree obviously ill kids should be kept at home, I don’t think that a sniffle would stop me taking my kid to a park or play date!

When they get to school they’ll get everything under the sun and schools have policies about 48 hour absences after sickness/diarrhoea/temperatures etc but it doesn’t stop the progress of bugs when infectious people don’t know they are.

So, I guess I would just take the risk and not check in if the kids are in 100% health before a play date for risk of alienating the mums and looking a bit odd/health freakish.

"We will be going to the park anyway"... This sounds contradictory to your opening post to be honest. It reads like you still bring your child if sick but are putting the onus on them to not attend if they want to avoid? And what about the other children at the playground that you don't know and haven't forewarned?

Unless you're medically fragile, get on with it. Kids are germ factories. Honestly it's probably better you get some of it out of the way, or reception will be a rude awakening. Lack of socialisation will harm your DC far more than a cold.